Chapter 44
June
I’m such an idiot.
I wrote it in my phone notes like I was eternalizing the idiot I’d made out of myself that day.
I was practically passed out on James’s couch after taking two hits.
Knowing him, he must’ve thought I was ridiculous.
He’d probably be doing what he usually did, waiting until we got to school to humiliate me.
I’d learned three lessons. Never smoke. I wrote that in my phone.
I wanted to promise myself that because it seemed like when I was under that influence that I kissed the cheeks of guys I hated.
Never fall asleep at your enemy’s house.
Ridiculous things could happen, like him finishing the homework instead of me.
Be less impulsive. I shouldn’t have hung up on William like that, but what he’d said hurt me. I have too many things in my head, June, maybe it’s better if we slow down.
“What do you mean ‘slow down’?” I asked, despite it sounding like slower than this before we don’t see each other anymore.
“Come on, you know what I mean. People say those kinds of things in cases like these.”
I couldn’t stand it anymore. “So, Will? How do people respond to things like that? Explain it to me.”
“Tell me if this works for you. Let’s take it as it comes.”
“I don’t understand.”
“June, you’re annoying when you act like this.
” I hung up on him. I’d tried to be understanding with him more than once; I’d even apologized when I’d impulsively asked him to choose between me and his best friend.
And what did I get in return? A waste of time.
I hated the fact that I was at James’s exactly when I got Will’s call.
I would’ve preferred to be home to have all my reactions under control and sit with the disappointment and negative feelings. On my terms.
But there I was, exposed, and I didn’t want James to see me vulnerable.
That’s why I’d asked him to smoke. Of course I didn’t expect to pass out on his couch while he took care of the assignment.
Sure, it was a small gesture, but it certainly wasn’t nothing coming from James.
I didn’t understand why he didn’t chase me out.
June, he’s always the same arrogant dick. Don’t get any ideas.
I sat down at the desk and opened the folder to read what he’d written. I caught myself smiling and putting my knuckles on my cheeks almost as if I wanted to hide the reaction from myself.
Why the hell was I letting myself get caught up in the enthusiasm over someone having had two brilliant ideas in a row? What was my problem?
Suddenly, I heard a sound coming from the room next to mine. Then silence. I went back to reading the homework, but the sound got progressively louder, so loud that I thought the second Wizarding War was breaking out. I got up. It was impossible to concentrate.
I went to the bathroom, where I found Mom furiously trying to wash her paintbrushes in the sink.
“Another job change? Did you go from painter to percussionist?”
She stopped with her head lowered, her hands gripping the sink as if she wanted to prevent herself from falling. And most shockingly, she wasn’t scolding me or listening to me.
“Mom?!”
I looked at the slight figure collapsing onto herself.
“Are you okay?”
“Sorry,” she murmured without turning around.
In the mirror, I saw her gaunt, tear-stained face. She suddenly seemed to have gone back to who she was four years ago when there was only room for pain on her face.
“What’s going on?” I cautiously approached her and put a hand on her trembling back. “What’s wrong?”
“Everything’s fine.”
She wiped away her tears with her hand, then tried to smile at me.
“You’re worrying me.” I pointed out the big splotches of color that were smeared on the tiles.
“Honey, you shouldn’t. I just had a moment—”
“Is it because of the money issues you hinted at?”
“No.”
I watched her turn on the tap to finish rinsing the brushes. She did it angrily, like it was her stress reliever, like she only knew one way to face disappointment and sadness, with painting everything going on around her.
“We don’t have money problems, and maybe your school’s a little too expensive, but no, it’s not that. It’s my personal stuff. I still haven’t made lunch. How about setting the table so we can eat something?”
No, there was something deeper than that.
“Mom, normally I’d let it go, but given that a part of your personal life affects me too . . .”
“What are you talking about?”
“What’s going on? Does it have to do with Jordan?” She hid behind her blond hair. Bingo.
“Come on, I told you, it’s a professional relationship, and that’s how it’s gonna stay.”
“Why don’t you seem happy to tell me that?”
“Because he took me out to dinner the day before yesterday.”
So that’s where Jordan Hunter was the night I was with Jasper.
“Didn’t you just say it was a professional relationship?”
“Yeah, it is, but—”
I couldn’t control myself when I saw her hesitant face. “Spit it out, Mom. Please,” I urged her impatiently.
She looked at me in the mirror as if she didn’t have the courage to turn around and say it to my face.
“We kissed.”
I knew it. Damn it, I knew it. Why was I still upset?
“June, I regret it so much.”
She sat down on the edge of the bathtub sighing, trying to make me come closer.
“June.”
I couldn’t be upset with her. Right then she seemed so weak and fragile that I would’ve just given her a long hug. But I didn’t. I stayed still with my arms folded.
“Do you regret it because he’s a bad kisser?”
She cracked up, and a few lines showed up on her face.
“It’s not because of that. It’s because I have to think about work, I have to think being a mom. I can’t go out like a woman in her twenties.”
I closed my eyes, trying to repress all the selfishness inside me. “Mom, if you only dedicate your life to working and being a mom, you’re not living anymore. You’re surviving. And that’s not fair. You don’t deserve that. All I ask is that it’s not with Jordan.”
I sat next to her. “You like him, don’t you?”
She nodded.
“I don’t want you to feel bad because of me. The point isn’t that you go out with someone, but the fact that it’s him. I don’t like it, Mom. I know how his son is, and I don’t think he could be much better.”
“How’s it going with Jasper?” She changed the subject.
“Good. I like tutoring him. He’s a bit stubborn, but he’s really smart.”
“I’m happy. I knew you’d be able to get him on the right track.”
“I didn’t see him yesterday because he was at his therapist’s. I think he goes twice a week,” I muttered, nervously scratching my index finger on the tear in my jeans.
“Was Jordan there?”
“No, only James was home.” My eyes went wide, but it was too late now.
“Ah. But you were out for two hours.”
Her inquisitive gaze met mine, and I already knew she was about to give me the third degree. I had to nip it in the bud before she pounced all over me.
“June, that guy really has way too many issues.”
“Yeah, I know. Look, just promise you won’t make out with Jordan anymore.” I made air quotes.
“Certainly, June. If there’s one thing I’m certain of, it’s that you wouldn’t make out with his son. Now go study.”
She mimicked my air quotes then went back to rinsing her brushes, confusing me even more.
William: June, I have to talk to you
I was indifferent to William’s text. As a matter of fact, I was getting a bit hungry.
After talking with my mom, I went in the kitchen for some milk and cookies.
It was five p.m., what better time than now?
I’d spent Friday night in that awful place full of shady people, Saturday afternoon I was at James’s, and we all know how that went, and today, my life became boring again.
Homework, Netflix, and food. Maybe it was better like this.
My phone vibrated. I didn’t look at it. If I did, I’d give in to the temptation of answering, so I waited for it to stop.
A call from William. I ignored it.
How was I supposed to react? Didn’t he have anything better to do than call me? June, I shouldn’t have said that stuff to you yesterday. I tried everything to stay away from you when all I really wanna do is talk to you. For real this time.
I wanted to pretend I didn’t care and that dipping my chocolate chip cookies into the milk was more important, but my instinct got the best of me.
I went to his Instagram.
I didn’t want it to show that I looked at his stories, but I was so curious. I noticed a post from two hours ago.
How did it occur to them to post a photo like that?
It was a mirror selfie of a shirtless Will and James, fighting for my attention. My eyes darted from left to right without knowing who to stop and look at more. I didn’t even examine the caption about training and working hard.
I put both hands on my face, rubbing it nervously. I was treading in very, very dangerous waters.
June: I don’t think there’s anything to say, Will
I sent it quickly.
His answer came just as quick.
William: If you’re upset with me I understand. I don’t want to go back on anything; I just want to give you the explanation you deserve. If you want, come by my place, then we’ll talk
Of course. Why not? Why did it feel like everyone insisted on telling me half-truths? First my mom, now Will.
I put on my hoodie and grabbed my backpack.
I felt the pressing need to get away from everyone and everything, put on my AirPods, and go for a bike ride.
I put on my shoes and took off.
Feeling my hair wave and my lungs fill with fresh air made me feel better quickly. The clutching in my chest started to subside, but too many thoughts were still weighing down my mind.