Chapter 44 #3
“I have a love-hate relationship with drugs. Sometimes I try to go off them because they don’t help me.”
“Drugs?”
He was driving me mad with curiosity. I wanted Will to open up freely, on his terms, without pressure.
And he took all the time in the world between sighs and moments of silence.
“Sometimes I feel bad. Like awful. I don’t want to see anyone or even get out of bed to go to school.
My dad has to organize his business trips around my mood swings,” Will said remorsefully, as if he was riddled with guilt.
I couldn’t stop looking at him. His eyes, which always looked calm and gray like a gloomy day, were now stormy skies.
I couldn’t decipher him. Maybe I never would. Just as I thought I knew what kind of guy he was, when he became nice and understanding, he’d throw me a curveball the next minute. Was that what he was talking about?
“What are you thinking about, June? I scared you, didn’t I?”
He seemed to ask that question on purpose to pause the story.
“No, absolutely not. I was just thinking—”
I froze. I didn’t know how to behave. Should I be honest? What if I hurt his feelings?
If James was there instead of William, I would’ve told him everything that was going through my head. He was still just James. But the truth was that I was afraid that Will would feel bad.
“I was thinking about a painting that my mom did.” I interpreted his intrigued gaze as an invitation to continue.
“The subject was a tree divided in half. One side had all the bright colors of spring—the brilliant green of the foliage, the blue sky, the golden cornfields. But the other side was black and white. I think it represented the duality of existence, the blending of life and death that defines it. Maybe it has nothing to do with what you’re telling me, but I wanted to tell you. You made me think of it.”
Will didn’t laugh at me or tease me.
“I think about it a lot,” he articulated slowly.
“About what?”
“Death.”
What followed was an exchange of delicate glances between us. I stayed quiet, respecting his time until he decided to continue
“Maybe I’m like your mom’s painting, but the opposite. Death isn’t my gray area, it’s the brightly colored one. And when I’m in my dark times and I feel too alive, then I seek out extreme experiences like death itself.”
Races, drugs, violence.
It wasn’t James who dragged Will into these messes; in fact, it might be the exact opposite.
“I don’t mean to dismiss what you just told me, but I just want you to know that there’s nothing wrong with you, Will. That’s okay. Everyone has mood swings.” I understood that his problem was a lot more serious than that, but I wanted him to feel understood, not judged.
William smiled strangely at me, so I allowed myself a na?ve observation to lighten the mood.
“I think about my mom, myself—maybe you haven’t noticed, but I’m also a lunatic.
Even Amelia is. She’s a sweetheart to me one day and other days she almost doesn’t talk to me.
” Now that I said it, I realized that there were days when Amelia didn’t even talk to me at all.
“And think about Jackson, who’s impossible sometimes.
Don’t even get me started on James, even he’s so—”
Bipolar.
My jaw dropped. That’s what I’d said at Will’s party in front of everyone. And that was why everyone looked at me badly and he’d thrown me out of his house. My eyes went wide with worry.
“Will, I’m sorry for saying that awful shit. It became a stupid turn of phrase, and we shouldn’t be so cavalier about it.” The words rushed out of my mouth like a flooding river. I felt disheartened
“No, please, don’t apologize, June. If it’s because you feel sorry for me . . .”
“I don’t feel sorry for you. It’s because I’ve been insensitive around you sometimes.”
He grinned, and his two nearly invisible dimples formed at the sides of his mouth.
“I like you like this, June, for who you are. I don’t know what else there is to say.”
I smiled back.
“Whereas in my case, there’s nothing unexpected.
I already know what will happen. If my mood gets better, I spend two to three months where I feel well, but I also do a ton of stupid stuff.
” He lowered his head, embarrassed by what he’d said, or maybe because of what he’d done in the past. “And paradoxically, that’s the exact time when you don’t want to know me, June. ” I squeezed his hand.
“I’m sure that—”
“I get aggressive. I do really stupid shit. Just to do it. I also do a lot of stuff that’s wrong. Really wrong.”
I shook my head to chase away those words, which were so harsh that they drew images in my mind that I couldn’t superimpose on a guy as good and sensitive as William. They didn’t match.
“There’s a solution for everything, right?”
“Yeah, thanks to modern medicine. I’m taking medications, but sometimes I get the sense that taking that stuff is useless.”
“Is that why you get tired and fall asleep without answering the phone?”
“Yeah. Today I hit the punching bag twice with James, and now I feel wiped out.” He hinted at a smile.
“Do you have to take them forever?”
“I’ve been taking them as far back as I can remember. I have a pill for when I’m up high, another one for when I’m too low, one to sleep . . .”
Will paused to clear his throat, which seemed to interrupt his flow.
“While drugs prevent my mood swings from being so extreme, they also have a side effect on my personality. It’s awful to know that every function in my brain depends on medicine. Like I can’t function alone. It’s depressing. For me, for my self-esteem, for my relationships, for everything.”
And here, like an idiot, I thought he didn’t like me because I was so childish and immature.
“I screwed up with you more than once, June. I shouldn’t’ve disappeared, but I was terrified to tell you because . . . I like you. And I don’t want to lose you over something that I don’t feel like I have full control over.”
I put my cheek on his shoulder and let his scent of fresh laundry cradle me.
“Why’d you decide to tell me? To tell me in particular?”
“Because you’re the only one who goes beyond the superficial. And then because James—”
“James what?”
“Until the other day he told me not to tell you. He thought you were an innocent brat who didn’t know how the world worked.”
“Oh. I bet his insults were a bit worse than that.” I bit my lip.
“Yeah, his suggestion wasn’t very romantic. ‘Don’t tell her anything until you—’” He looked sideways in search of the least crass words possible. “‘Get her in bed.’”
“Yeah, I can imagine he’d say something that crass.” We laughed.
“But we talked last night, and he said he thought I could trust you and that unlike the others you wouldn’t run away.”
I straightened up and looked William right in the eye.
“Of course I wouldn’t. I want to be close to you. Now more than ever, because I know why you disappear.”
“I just disappear because I sleep or maybe I’m not in the mood to see anyone, but it has nothing to do with you. I don’t want you to think I don’t like you anymore.”
“I’m sorry, Will. If I could do something—” I looked up at his teary eyes.
“I’m sorry too. I wish I could be like everyone else.
Like James or Jackson. Being euphoric because something good happened.
Getting mad because someone really screwed me over and not feeling frustrated or sad just because my brain tells me to.
I want to have fun because I really want to, not to feel like a slave to the desire to always go further. ”
My hand slid down his shoulder. It was only natural for us to hug for a long time.
Will pulled away first and lay on the bad, making room for me.
I lay down next to him. We shared the same pillow.
Looking at him from close up, I noticed his heavy eyelids and red eyes.
I felt a lump in my throat too big to swallow.
I couldn’t cry. This was the time when anyone else would be found out, but not me.
I couldn’t free myself from everything that gripped my soul.
I could’ve shared the way I felt, but I didn’t.
“June.”
William closed his eyes.
“Don’t send me away,” I said.
“I don’t want to. I want to apologize.”
“You don’t have anything to apologize for.”
“I will anyway. I do stupid stuff and hurt people, June.”
“Don’t say that.”
“I don’t want things between us to end, but being together isn’t the answer. I’ll always disappoint you, and—” He stopped to take a breath.
“I don’t want to put more pressure on you, Will. If you’d prefer for us to not be committed, that’s okay.”
“I want to take it slow.”
I nodded because after all, I agreed with him. I just wanted things to be clear and to not tell each other lies.
“So, you’re not afraid?” His question made my stomach do a flip as his breath tickled my jaw.
“No, Will. It means so much to me that you told me. Let me stay.”
He kissed me on the lips. I stared at him without saying a word.
“Then please stay.”