Chapter 34
Chapter Thirty-Four
“Oh! Sorry!”
I blink up at the woman standing in the bathroom doorway. It’s like staring down a long tunnel. At a reality that doesn’t exist. Sound from the party billows in, but I’m so locked inside myself, it’s like my head is underwater.
She wrinkles her nose. “Um, are you okay?”
Panic speeds through my bloodstream. I need to get out of here. “Yeah.” My voice doesn’t sound like my own, but it has to be.
Did I pull up my jeans or did Nic do it? How did I end up curled into a ball on the floor?
The woman laughs, the noise like thorns on my face. “You having a bad trip or something?”
When I push to stand, everything hurts. My inhale is shaky but I ball my fists.
Get. Out. Of. Here.
“You sure you’re okay?” the woman asks as I limp past her.
It takes every last shred of my strength to return to the main rooms, but it’s the only way to get to the door. With each step, the volume seems to double, until the sound is a monster coming for me with a hatchet.
I half expect the music to quit and all eyes to turn to me, but nothing changes.
Beneath my urge to run, there’s an impulse to tell someone what happened, to scream it, even.
But what would that even do? Before Nic left, he warned me. Tell anyone, and I’ll ruin you. I’ll tell them what a little whore you are. How you begged me for it.
My dad’s words from when I told him about Garret filter through the roaring in my head. He says you sent him mixed signals.
Hot shame ignites my lungs, and I choke back a sob.
I have to get out of here.
Squinting at the bright lights, I skirt the crowds of people still talking and laughing. I half expect someone to call out, but no one does.
As I reach for the door, the pain inside me sharpens. I feel torn in a hundred hidden places, broken, like no matter how long I rest, I’ll never heal.
Keep moving.
My breaths echo in my ears as I shuffle into the elevator. Just before the door closes, a couple joins me, the woman giggling as the guy wraps his arm around her waist and pulls her close.
I spin into the corner to hide my face. If I don’t see them, maybe they won’t see me.
They get off on the next floor down, and I melt into the wall.
It doesn’t make sense. I shouldn’t want to be alone.
That’s what’s beginning to hurt worse than what he did to me. Because right now, I’m more alone than I’ve ever felt.
I reach up to stroke the coda medallion Will gave me, but my fingers clasp around air.
Panic floods me. I feel along my neck, then shake out my shirt, expecting the necklace to fall out.
Where could it be? But there’s nothing. Tears sting my eyes and burn my nose.
I cover my face with my hands and wish that I’d never come here.
Never gone to that party. I should have left with my friends.
I shouldn’t have taunted Nic like that. The thought makes a memory snap into focus, and I gasp.
Nic has my necklace. There was a pop when the chain broke. A look of triumph in his eyes when he pocketed the medallion.
He’s taken everything from me.
The elevator dings, reminding me where I am and how far I still need to go before I’m safe.
I shuffle down the silent hall, my footsteps lost to the thin carpet but my breaths are labored, like I’m having an asthma attack. At my door, when I reach for the key card, my phone comes with it.
My home screen picture flashes to life. Will has his arms around me from behind and he’s pressing an exaggerated kiss to my temple, his eyes scrunched closed. I’m laughing with my mouth open in surprise, my arms wrapped over his to keep him close.
The girl in that picture looks so happy. So trusting. Like life will continue to bring her good things. Things like laughter and joy and peace.
And love.
Where is that girl now?
My fingers shake and the image turns blurry as tears collect on my lashes.
I can’t tell him. He’ll kill Nic. I know that with absolute clarity.
And if I can’t tell William about what happened, then…that means…
A sob breaks loose as I press my forehead into the door.
It means I can’t be with him.
Even if I tried to hide it, he’d know something was wrong.
He’d put it together in no time. And when he did, there’d be no stopping him.
And as a result, he would lose everything he’s worked for. Not just his scholarship, but his career. His life.
And I’d lose him for good .
But it wouldn’t end there. Theo and Dad would find out. Morgan. My friends. Everyone would know.
Everyone.
I tap the key card and the lock clicks open. Inside, the room is dark. Emmie’s a lump beneath the covers, but she stirs when I limp toward the bathroom.
“There you are,” she says in a sleepy lilt. “I was ready to send in the cavalry.”
I walk into the bathroom. I don’t turn on the lights.
I don’t want to see myself or the marks he left on me, the sticky cum dried to my inner thigh.
Reaching into the shower, I swivel the dial to hot and undress, leaving my clothes in a soiled pile.
I’ll stuff them in the trash later, so I never have to be reminded of this night.
My skin jolts at the hot water, but I let it scald me. Maybe it will burn away all trace of what happened, destroy the outer layer of skin so I can shed it just like my clothes.
I can grow a new skin that’s tougher and stronger. A fortress nobody can ever crack.
“Charlie?” Emmie’s concerned voice rises over the pounding of the water. “What’s going on? Why are the lights off?”
I duck under the spray to wash everything into the drain.
The snot running down my face, my tears, the filth.
With shaking hands I pump shower gel into my palm and scrub myself, trying to be gentle but I’m desperate to wash it all away, and my hands are rough, aggressive.
I get soap in my mouth and I accidentally crack my head on the tile, making the lump there beat to its own heartbeat, sending my thoughts swimming.
I cry out but it’s more like a moan.
“Charlie!” Emmie says just outside the shower curtain. “Did something happen?”
“Someone…spilled something on me,” I manage through my chattering teeth.
“Oh,” Emmie says, her voice tentative. “That sucks.”
I need her to believe me. If she doesn’t, everything will fall apart .
“I’ll be out in a minute.” I force my tone to steady. I lean against the tile and hug my middle tight, like it can keep me from sliding to the bottom of the tub. What then would stop me from slipping into the drain and into the pipes, disappearing with the rest of the sewage?
“Sorry if I woke you,” I say, shutting my eyes to rid the image. Stop crying! Pull it together!
“It’s okay.”
Go back to bed , I beg her.
I wait, my limbs feeling heavy and my skin raw after I scoured myself with the soap. My private places are too sensitive to touch, but at least I’ve erased what he left on my skin.
Not that I’ll ever feel clean again.
I have to forget it ever happened. It’s the only way to protect myself. Tell anyone, and I’ll ruin you.
But more importantly, I have to protect the people I love.
Because I won’t survive losing William pieces at a time. Watching his dreams shatter.
The water turns tepid and I start to shiver. After drying myself off, I kick my clothes under the sink, but the heavy object in the pocket of my jeans reminds me that there’s still one more thing I need to do.
With a shaky breath, I pull out my phone.
I lie curled up beneath the covers in the dark, hugging myself. My wet hair makes my neck feel like ice, but my insides are still hot and raw. I had no idea it could hurt this much. With William, even the first time, it didn’t hurt.
I’ll never be able to experience that kind of connection again. That kind of limitless trust. To be pleasured, cherished.
It’s all gone .
Destroyed.
I try to hold back my tears but I’m not strong enough, and soon I’m sobbing in silence, my frame shaking the bed.
“Charlie,” Emmie breathes, her weight dipping the mattress behind me. “Talk to me.”
I clench my eyes shut. “I’m okay.”
She places her hand on my shoulder, but it just makes me cry harder. “Is it William?” Her tone turns angry. “Did he break up with you? I swear I’ll cut off his?—”
“No,” I choke out, then hug myself tighter because when is it going to stop hurting? “It’s not Will.”
She rises from the bed. “I’m getting Sally.”
My refusal comes out like a croak, and too late because she’s already slipped from the room.
I squeeze my eyes shut and try to steady my breathing, but another wave of panic is building inside me.
If Sally comes, she’ll want the truth. But I can’t give it to her.
The hotel room door swings open, bringing in a swath of light from the bright hallway. Emmie’s whispering to Sally as they approach the bed, their footsteps quick.
I brace myself, shutting my eyes so they can’t see me, but I’m crying so hard and shivering, my teeth rattling.
Sally’s warm hand brushes my forehead. “Charlie, sweetie,” she says in a soothing tone. It’s so different from her usual bossy badass one that I suck in a gasp. “What’s wrong? Are you sick?”
I shake my head.
“Are you hurt?”
I start to cry again, snot running down my face. Why can’t I stop?
The bedside lamp clicks on.
“Oh honey,” Sally breathes. “Someone hurt you, didn’t they?”
I squeeze my eyes shut. She can’t know. Nobody can know.
“Don’t tell anyone.” The words come out in a whoosh with my shaky breath .
Sally sighs. “You’re in charge, okay, Charlie? You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to, but…” She sighs. “If you’ve been hurt by someone, there are…important things that need to happen. Did he use a condom?”
The shock that she knows exactly what happened is like a knife carving out a piece of my soul. I shake my head.
“Are you on birth control?” she asks.
“Oh god,” I say, covering my face. What if I get pregnant from this? Will and I have been using condoms. I tried using the pill but I hated the side effects. I was going to get an IUD before I left for Cornish, but the soonest I could get in was next month.
Sally rubs my back. It’s caring and warm and cracks open what feels like a bottomless need inside me. For comfort. Safety. Fierce love and kindness. The kind of love a mom would readily give. Unconditionally.
“Okay, honey,” Sally says, her tone edging toward brisk. “This is what we’re going to do. Emmie and I will be with you every step of the way. It’s not going to be easy, but it’s essential. So you have options. All right?”
I think I know what she’s planning, and it’s the absolute last thing I want to do. But she’s right. I can’t bury a pregnancy, or a life-threatening disease.
And here I thought I could curl up in bed and wait till morning. Wait for the nightmare to fade.
Is this really happening to me?
At least they can’t make me tell them who did it.
I open my eyes to Sally’s concerned expression and Emmie’s tear-stained face.
“But, I…took a shower.”
“That’s all right. They’ll do…an exam.”
My eyes flood with tears and I draw my knees tighter against me, making the raw spot inside me burn with renewed hurt.
“I’m so sorry.” She strokes my forehead. “It’ll be fast, and Emmie and I will be there with you.” She glances at Emmie. “Let’s get you dressed.”