Chapter 6
Chapter Six
I wake up Tuesday morning on Maryanne’s floor to a text from Dad.
I shouldn’t be too late tonight. Can we have supper together?
So why is it so hard to get out of bed?
If I was still in the field, I’d be halfway up Signal Ridge already.
I reply to Dad, offering to cook for us. If nothing else than to give me something to look forward to because I like cooking, especially in our kitchen, and especially when it’s for Dad.
I set my phone facedown on the floor and curl into Maryanne’s spare comforter, the air mattress squeaking beneath me.
Maryanne didn’t even question my decision to take the floor instead of her couch.
Not that it helped me sleep. It was too hot in her bedroom but she screeched when I opened the window at 2:00 am to let in some cool air.
When I wake again, it’s to my phone ringing. It’s my sister, Sofie.
“Hey,” I answer, doing my best to sound bright-eyed because she’s hypervigilant when it comes to my mental health. Maybe because she’s a child psychiatrist, or maybe because she stepped into a parenting role after Mom left. Either way, it can be a lot.
“Hey yourself,” she replies in a cheerful tone. “My ten o’clock cancelled. Can I take you to coffee?”
Now I feel guilty, because my sister is my rock, and though we’ve texted since I returned home, we have yet to meet up, and I could really use one of her hugs. “I’d love that.”
We agree on Love Buzz in thirty. I don’t have time for a full shower but jump in for a rinse, then braid my hair and brush my teeth.
Back in Maryanne’s room, I sort through my piles of discarded clothes for something clean.
When I give my favorite jeans a sniff, I’m taken back to Sunday night at the Sweetwater and riding that cowboy’s thigh with his callused palm cupping my ass, then swallowing his massive dick like it was dessert.
I almost came again when he slid his hand into my hair. Like a fucking dream, sweetheart. Something inside me came alive that night. I felt alive.
I always thought dirty talk was a silly thing to wish for. Guys don’t really talk like that. And they certainly don’t talk like that and mean it.
Though maybe I was wrong?
Sucking a guy off in public isn’t like me but doing it was a rush.
I can’t help wondering if the news about Nathan getting married is acting like some kind of fuel.
I’m still angry, even though it makes no sense.
I’m still confused. How did I not see what was happening?
How did I let him isolate me from my family, my friends, all while oblivious to his slow drip of toxic manipulation?
I should have been the one to break things off, to walk away, because it’s becoming clear to me that the longer I stayed with Nathan, the further he pulled me from myself.
Tugging on the jeans feels like a step in the right direction for this day, though I can’t say why. I’m strong and smart and capable and—I swallow past an uneasy lump in my throat—lovable too, damn it.
Maryanne’s place isn’t far from downtown, so I bundle up and step into the brisk morning. Dark-bellied cumulus clouds are stacked against the Bitterroots, but an occasional sunbeam breaks through. The icy northwest wind means more snow is on the way, though.
Maryanne calls just as I reach the end of her neighborhood. “Oh good, you’re alive.” In the background hums the copy machine and the faint murmur of conversation like she’s in the school’s office. It’s probably her planning period.
I snort. “Thanks for letting me crash again.”
“Anytime. You feeling okay?”
“Coffee will help.” It’s evasive but not a lie. Coffee makes everything better. Hangovers. Motivation. Even a fragile self-esteem can feel less daunting fully caffeinated.
“Are you walking?” Disbelief edges her tone.
“It’s not that far.”
“Linn, it’s like twenty five degrees outside.”
I kick a chunk of ice. Explaining my reasoning for not burning fossil fuels when I am perfectly capable of walking twists something awkward inside me. Even with my best friend.
Will I ever feel like I belong?
“So I got a text from Bear a little bit ago,” she rattles off, excited.
“And?”
“He asked me out!” she half-whispers.
“Get it,” I tease.
She gives a soft laugh. “You want me to ask about CJ?”
My stomach pitches. “Please don’t.” Though our goodbye was rushed, he didn’t ask for my number. Or attempt to follow me out.
She sighs. “I can say no.”
“Why?” On the way home from the Sweetwater, after I shared what happened in that back hallway, Maryanne told me about dancing with Bear, her eyes all dreamy.
“But that night was supposed to be about you.”
“I had a good time.” Even with the abrupt ending. It’s no big deal.
“It should have been him on his knees.”
I laugh to cover the wave of warmth rolling through my belly. “I dunno, it kind of worked.”
“Would you see him again?”
I check for passing cars at the crosswalk, then continue, my boots crunching on the gritty concrete.
“Being on my own right now is good for me.” Did CJ ever intend to tell me his full name?
Ugh. I’m trying so hard not to overthink it.
We danced, laughed, and enjoyed each other’s company. End of story.
“Not pressuring you to give up your vow of celibacy, but…” She trails off, her tone playful, and I picture the cheeky smirk on her face.
“Too late,” I interrupt with a laugh.
Maryanne sighs. “This conversation isn’t over, but I’ve got fourth graders to wrangle. Still up for hot yoga Friday?”
I hate yoga, especially the hot part, but after Nathan, I’m trying to say yes more. “Only if we can follow it up with donuts.”
“Linn! I’m trying to lose five pounds before summer hits.”
“Why?” I scowl at my reflection in a shop window, then look away because there are dark circles under my eyes. “You’re fucking perfect.”
She laughs, and I relax a little. “I love you.”
“Love you back.”
Inside Love Buzz, Sofie’s not here yet, but it gives me a moment to soak up the welcoming whir of the espresso machine and scents of cinnamon and maple and the low hum of conversation.
I might be in the middle of questioning my life choices right now, but there’s no questioning how nice it feels to be here.
I’m debating between a caramel macchiato and an espresso shake when my sister nearly mauls me in a warm, tight hug.
I wrap my arms around her and squeeze her back. She smells faintly of her strawberry shampoo and when we step back, her eyes are glassy with emotion. “It’s so good to see you.”
The lump in my throat takes me a hard swallow to work around. “I’ve missed you too.”
She links arms with me as we gaze up at the menu board.
She’s wearing makeup but it looks good on her, and though she’s dressed up for work, I know she’d be ready to tack up and go for a ride or join a trail work party at a moment’s notice.
It’s a relief knowing that we can try and fail and grow but the important things don’t change.
After we order and take our coffees to a table by the window, I barely get past my questions about Zach and their littles, Curren and Tanya, when she brings up Nathan. “He hasn’t tried to contact you again, has he?”
I shake my head. For six months after he broke things off, Nathan would call me just to mess with my head.
I finally blocked his number, then I took the Alaska internship if only to put a hefty chunk of distance between us.
After that, the Selkirk project was a great fit.
Closer to home but the remoteness and isolation of that post was enough to keep him from “accidentally” bumping into me.
“He’s getting married.”
Sofie’s eyebrows rise. “Oh. How’d you find out?”
I give her a brief retelling of my plane ride.
My sister’s mouth drops open. “He chose Bear Lodge for his wedding? What an asshole.”
Her compassion softens the barbs protecting my heart a teeny bit. “Right?” With a sigh, I add, “I wish it didn’t bother me. It’s not like I want to marry him, and I definitely don’t miss him.”
Sofie nods, but I know her child psychiatrist brain is lit up like a roman candle. “It’s okay if you do.”
I take another sip, the rich sweetness dancing across my tongue. “I think if anything, I miss what…what I thought we’d be.”
“That makes total sense. You guys were together for a long time. You made plans.”
“He’s working for a biotech firm.”
She frowns in confusion. “I thought he wanted to study polar bears?”
“Guess he changed his mind.”
“That probably feels like a betrayal too.”
That might be why it was harder to untangle my feelings when it all came crashing down.
Nathan believed in me—or so I thought. We had the same goals and an aligned purpose.
The rest of the world could accuse me of being “focused” and “committed” if I didn’t have to bear it alone.
Turns out I was alone all along; I just didn’t realize it until after it ended.
“At least I’ll never have to work with him,” I reply.
She gives me one of her sassy winks. “Way to look on the bright side.”
She covers my hand with hers. Her touch is warm and soothing and it shouldn’t make me cry.
Maybe because I’ve missed it. Missed feeling cared for, important.
These past two years I’ve been gone a lot.
Not that I’ve wanted to avoid my family, I just needed to figure some things out on my own.
When I was with Nathan, I didn’t know how to find my voice.
Being away, outside of their protective bubble…
it’s given me the quiet I needed to tune into the rhythm of my own heart.
And even though it was lonely sometimes, I think I’m stronger because of it.
“I saw his fiancée when I went through baggage claim,” I say, scooping up a melted blob of whipped cream with the tip of my index finger. It’s the homemade kind, rich and a little bit sweet. “She looked, I don’t know…happy? But kind of fragile too.”
Sofie sips her coffee, but there’s a serious glint to her gaze. “You sound worried about her.”
“What if he was only that way with me?” I blurt.
She gives me a look. “From a statistical perspective, that’s incredibly unlikely, but can we dig a little deeper here?”
I huff a sigh. It’s impossible to have a normal conversation about relationships with my sister, especially if there’s a wound to poke.
“How he treated you has nothing to do with you,” she says in a compassionate but firm tone. “He’s manipulative and controlling.”
She’s right, and yet, there was a time not too long ago that I was convinced his mistreatment of me was my fault.
That the way I am meant I didn’t deserve the kind of love that’s pure and genuine.
Logically I know that’s false, but it still creeps up on me sometimes.
Another reason I have no business getting into any kind of relationship right now.
I’m not losing myself in someone else again. Not until I feel solid.
Sofie sits back, a thoughtful expression in her bright blue eyes. “How’s living with Dad?”
I smile. “It’s nice being home.”
“How long do you think you’ll stay?”
I take a slow sip of my coffee. A normal functioning adult would have this answer ready. Because what twenty-eight-year-old still lives at home? “I’m not sure.”
“No pressure, you know that right? Dad loves having you.”
“Kind of hard to have a life though.” Not that I’m ready for that either, but someday, I would like to be. “How’s your hundred dates project for him going?”
She laughs. “Considering I can’t even get him to go on a single date, he’s going to be a hundred first.”
Another reason for me to move out. Because what if he wants to bring someone home?
The idea makes my insides feel like cold oatmeal.
Which then makes me feel guilty. I don’t want him to be alone forever.
Especially with his retirement coming up.
He should have someone to share his life with other than Bruneau and his horses.
“Think he’s just rusty?”
Sofie cocks an eyebrow. “More like stubborn.”
“Truth. He deserves to be loved, though. And happy.”
She covers my hand again and squeezes. “We all do.”
For one instant, I have the urge to share some of my night at the Sweetwater with her. Because dancing and letting loose with a stranger is a sign that my heart is in a good place now, right? But my uncertainty keeps the words locked in my throat.