Chapter 20 #2
She swallows a bite of pizza and sips from her root beer. “When Dad taught me to ski, he’d say that when I was being too cautious. I always wanted to do it right, but being afraid of making a mistake held me back. You have to take risks if you want to get better at something.”
I arch an eyebrow. “That doesn’t mean we should date assholes.”
She nods slowly. “Yeah. But I did. And now I’m trying to learn from that mistake.”
“Is he the reason you hate the word ‘careful’?”
Her lips tense but she heaves a small sigh, and the look is gone.
“Nathan said it to me a lot. At first, I took it as caring. I was longing for reassurance, and I thought that was it. But it kind of fed into the way I think sometimes. Made me question myself. Doubt myself. And then I just got more and more dependent on him, so much so that I sort of lost myself. Lost my way.”
There’s subtext in this that I can’t quite parse, but I’m wary of pushing too hard. “That sounds awful. Like a trap.”
Her eyes meet mine. “It was. But that’s all behind me now.”
I know exactly what this feels like. Identifying patterns so you can address them and work like hell not to repeat them. It’s hard, humbling work. Does she see how strong she is by taking it on?
I offer my rim and she taps it. She sips, drawing my attention to her delicate throat and the way she swallows. It reminds me of that night when she drank me down like a fucking champ.
The lights up ahead flash, startling me back to the cab.
Suddenly the line of cars is moving. Linnea folds up the sleeping bag and stores the pizza box behind the seat while I start the engine and join the convoy of cars climbing the mountain road.
I open my palm on top of the console again, and Linnea takes it.
Our eyes meet, and I give her hand a squeeze.
She was brave sharing all of that with me.
Trusting me. It makes me want to be careful with her, but that’s exactly what she doesn’t want.
I sweep my thumb past her knuckles. Maybe I need to be careful—with my heart.
Because I’m already falling for this girl.
Falling for her kisses, her smile, the way her body feels pressed close to mine. Falling for her courage, her kindness, and how openly she admits to not having everything figured out.
But I remember my pledge to Dr. Keats—to myself. Falling any further for her is out of the question if she insists on keeping her dad in the dark. Agreeing to secrets just opens the door for destruction to storm back into my life, and I’ve worked too hard to let that happen.
I know that, but can I toe that line when she keeps smiling at me like that? Opening up herself to me like she just did?
“Just turn your back if you’re so worried,” Linnea teases as she and Maryanne walk past us wrapped in towels, “and once we’re in, we’ll close our eyes.”
“Who said I’m worried?” I ask.
Maryanne giggles, and the sliding glass door opens behind us, bringing in a gust of cold air. The girls plunk into the water.
“Okay!” Linnea calls out from the freestanding circular cedar tub just out of view on the deck. Bear has the matching sauna just off the deck warming up.
We step outside, the cold air and icy snowflakes bracing on my bare chest. The girls are hidden behind the wall of steam coming off the water, but they both have their hands over their eyes.
Bear and I hang our towels then climb into the deep tub.
The hot water turns my frozen toes painfully hot but I relish the sting.
“All clear,” Bear says as we both sink down.
Snowflakes melt in the rising steam while across from me, Linnea reveals her pretty blue eyes. She’s submerged to her collarbones, but knowing she’s naked only a few feet away is a giant distraction.
Linnea settles back against the edge of the tub. “In Sweden, they have naked coed sauna parties. They play board games and flirt and everything.”
“This sounds like deep intel,” I reply.
“I knew a girl from Sweden in grad school.”
Maryanne leans out to catch a snowflake on her tongue. “The one you dated?”
My nuts tighten and I nearly choke on my spit.
Linnea gives me a shy smile. “Uh, I wouldn’t call it dating. I just…wanted to know what it was like.”
My pervy brain is alight with images of Linnea getting it on with a girl. “Any conclusions you’d like to share with the group?”
Bear gives me a side-eye.
Linnea’s lips twitch. “It was…interesting. Aside from feeling safe, it didn’t really do it for me.”
Yet I’m this close to fisting my cock just for an ounce of relief because the images firing through my brain are definitely doing it for me. “Feeling safe is good,” I say then realize I’m being way too loud, and probably way too obvious.
Linnea looks to Bear, then me, a question in her eyes. “It’s not a big deal, right?”
“Of course not,” I say. “Experimenting is healthy.” And yeah, sexy as fuck.
“I kissed my brother’s best friend in fourth grade,” Bear blurts.
I arch my eyebrows. “What went wrong? Too much tongue? Not enough?”
He splashes water in my direction, then nods at Linnea. “It’s kinda like you said. I didn’t feel anything. I thought I would. I had built it up, you know? Like maybe I liked guys, and I was pretty ramped up about it. But kissing him felt like nothing. And then he punched me.”
“Not cool,” I say.
“We laugh about it now.” He eyes me, then Maryanne. “Anything to add, you two?”
Maryanne shakes her head. “I’m so straight you could use me as a ruler.”
“No interest at all?” Bear asks.
“Nope.”
“Damn. Not even the two of you?” He points to Linnea and Maryanne, who start giggling. “CJ and I could watch?”
“Only if you two reciprocate.” Maryanne wiggles her eyebrows while Linnea laughs.
Bear and I turn to each other, then burst out laughing. “Nope.”
“Your turn,” Bear says to me.
“It’s never even crossed my mind.” I watch Linnea’s face as I add, “When I dream about kissing, it’s always with a woman.”
Linnea’s eyes tense with so much longing, it tugs the knots in my chest a little tighter. How could I have only just met this girl? I already want so much from her.
Maryanne catches Bear’s eye. “Is the sauna ready yet?”
“Should be.” He glances at me, then Linnea. “You guys in?”
Linnea shakes her head. “I’m not a sauna gal. Too hot.”
“Same here.” And they don’t really want our company anyway.
For Bear and Maryanne to access the ladder, Linnea moves to stand in the center of the tub, which reveals the swell of her breasts, the full curve of her shoulders, and the top of her biceps.
I have to shift places too, the hot water swirling around me.
The steam is so thick and the night so dark that Bear and Maryanne vanish to the sound of their footsteps and the thunk of the sauna door closing.
Leaving Linnea and me standing inches apart in the middle of the tub.