Chapter 22
Chapter Twenty-Two
Getting dressed is awkward, and when we head down the hall, the sounds coming from the loft make it even more so.
CJ takes my hand and pulls me close, his concerned gaze meeting mine. “I can take you home.”
“Yeah, I think that’s best.”
When his face calms, it quells the growing storm inside me, but not for long. Because where do we go from here? What about him and Dad? What about our work life? If I thought Keith was a patronizing neanderthal before, just wait until he finds out I’ve been messing around with a coworker.
Though it feels like a lot more than just messing around. How did I get myself into this?
CJ takes my face in his hands and leans closer. “Hey, where’d you go just now?”
“Nowhere good,” I say, trying for humor.
He kisses my forehead, and I lean into it with a sigh.
The sounds from upstairs get more distinct, so I’m grateful CJ grabs my coat and helps me into it.
Outside, CJ shuts the door softly while I wind my scarf around my neck.
Fluffy snowflakes drift down, thick and silent.
I grin up at the sky, delighting in the way the snow sparkles in the warm glow from the streetlights.
We descend the steps and follow the gravel drive to his Dodge, parked behind Bear’s truck and Maryanne’s Subaru.
He reaches for my hand. It’s big and warm, those calluses reminding me of the care and confidence in his touch. A rush of heat vibrates beneath my skin.
“Are you a winter person or summer?” he asks.
“I like them both, but spring is my favorite.”
“Because…?”
“All the good things happen in spring. The trees and flowers bloom. The air smells sweet. The trails and high mountain passes melt out. Everything comes alive.”
Inside his truck, the windows are fogged up and it’s icy cold. After CJ starts the engine, we both get out to wipe the windshield clear of the new snow.
He shoots me a playful scowl. “Get back in where it’s warm.”
“I can help,” I protest.
He lobs a snowball at me. It’s too loose to have any real impact, but the explosion of powder at my shoulder gets into my mouth and falls in between the layers of my scarf, making contact with my neck.
I pack a good one from the snow on his hood and throw it, but he ducks, and it whizzes past him.
So I try again, hurrying around to his side of the truck, but he ambushes me with a bear hug, lifting me off my feet.
I shriek but he dives for my neck, licking and kissing gently.
His tongue is so warm and soft where his snowball chilled me that I groan.
He carries me to my side and sets me gently on my feet. Then he opens my door and helps me up, giving my hand a parting kiss before carefully closing the door. It’s enough to make my heart flutter into my throat.
“What’s your favorite season?” I ask as he backs into the narrow lane and pulls slowly out of Bear’s neighborhood, the compact snow crunching under his tires.
“As a kid, I’d dread spring because of lambing season.” He flips on his wipers.
“But lambs are so cute,” I say with what I’m sure are hearts in my eyes.
He snorts. “They’re also a fuckton of work.”
“I’ll bet.” I’m also betting he was just as cute as those lambs. Maybe he’s got pictures somewhere. “But you’re not a sheep rancher now, so maybe you can stop hating spring.”
“I don’t hate it.” He offers his hand again and I slip mine inside it.
My favorite season is fall. It’s when my dad and I used to go hunting together.
It’s when Grams would do all her canning and jam making and bake pumpkin bread and her famous apple pies.
It’s when fire season would wrap and I’d be flush with cash after hoarding it all season long.
It’s rainy days watching movies, the first snowfall… ”
For one sliver of time, I imagine curling up on a couch with CJ to watch a movie while the rain pours down outside. “Thanksgiving,” I add.
He nods, but his eyes are edged with sadness. “Do you guys have a big gathering?”
I tell him about how we’ve been celebrating with Henry and Barb’s family since Zach and Sofie got together. “We have to use two extra tables just to get us all in one space.”
“That sounds like chaos, but in a good way.” He decelerates slowly to a stop sign, then checks both ways before turning left.
He’s always so steady and relaxed behind the wheel.
Like he’s never in a hurry. I imagine the two of us driving somewhere together, like into the mountains for a hike in the summertime, and my heart throbs with yearning.
“Where’s your mom in this equation?” he asks as the road starts to descend the mountain. “Do you ever spend it with her?”
I shake my head. “She lives in L.A.” It doesn’t hurt as much to say out loud now, but I can’t deny the little knot tightening at the base of my throat. “I haven’t seen her since my college graduation.”
He flashes me a look so pained I want to crawl over the console and kiss it away. “I’m sorry.”
I squeeze his hand. “My family makes up for it. What’s Thanksgiving like for you?”
He brings the back of my hand to his lips for a soft kiss. “My aunt and uncle host a gathering with my entire extended family, but I usually go to Bear’s. His mom is a fantastic cook and it’s super chill.”
That he prefers to spend Thanksgiving with his found family instead of his actual family isn’t lost on me. “So back to those rainy days and movies. Tell me your top five.”
The way his face lights up when he lists them and their qualities turns into a heated debate that gets us both laughing, thankfully bringing the mood back from sad town.
“What’s your middle name?” he asks.
“I don’t have one.”
“That’s a thing?”
“It’s not like they don’t let you leave the hospital without one.” I shrug. “My sister got my mom’s, and Jesse got her maiden name.” Just because she didn’t have anything left to give me isn’t my fault.
He frowns. “There are lots of other choices.”
“At least I don’t run out of room filling in forms.”
He watches me for another long moment, but I keep my eyes on the road ahead.
“What was your favorite movie as a kid?” he finally asks.
“Grizzly Adams.”
“A classic,” he says easily. Then, in a passable imitation of Grizzly, he rattles off the movie’s most iconic line about living in harmony with Nature. A line I made my entire personality for longer than I’d like to admit.
“You know it by heart?”
“Not all of it.”
I stare at the snowflakes dancing in the bright beam of his headlights. “I wanted to be him.”
“Because he lived in the woods?”
I scoff. “Because his best friend was a bear, duh.”
“You’d choose a bear over people?”
“Wouldn’t you?”
“Good point.” He squeezes my hand. “Though bears don’t take you dancing or bring you breakfast in bed.”
My tummy warms. “True,” I say slowly. Though the only time someone’s brought me breakfast in bed was when I had the flu and Dad brought me soda crackers and 7-up. And the only person to ever take me dancing is Maryanne.
CJ turns into my neighborhood, and the silence turns charged. “Does your dad know you’re out with me tonight?”
I look out the window. “I didn’t lie about it.”
“So…no?” There’s no malice in his tone, but there’s an edge of emotion I can’t place.
Tiny claws of panic chew up my spine. “I’m still figuring things out.”
“Figuring what out?”
“After that night at the Sweetwater, I didn’t expect you’d want…more.”
He utters a soft curse. “That’s my fault.
I shouldn’t have let you go.” His sincere gaze is steady, but there’s hurt shining there too.
“Because I wanted more the minute I saw you. Even after tonight. When it comes to you, I keep wanting more. But if you’re saying you’re not ready, I need to know why. ”
I gulp in a breath. “That you work with Dad isn’t ideal.”
He turns onto my street, which looks freshly plowed. “So if I didn’t, you’d be okay telling him?”
“It would be easier,” I admit. “Wouldn’t it be easier for you too?”
“I honestly don’t give a fuck.”
Now I’ve done it. He’s mad and it’s my fault. My overthinking, quirky brain at work. Again. “I’ll tell him. I just…need a little time.”
He pulls into my driveway, his headlights sweeping past Dad’s Ford to the house, where a light is on in the kitchen.
Is Dad up? I feel like I’m sixteen again, coming home from my first-ever date with Bobby Sutton.
He tried to kiss me, and I was so eager I accidentally bit his ear.
Needless to say he brought me home early and I was so embarrassed I stayed in my room for the rest of the weekend.
“I’ll walk you in, and we can both talk to him.” To my horror, CJ parks the truck and steps out.
I fly from my seat and hurry to cut him off. Icy snow whirls around my face, sticking to my lashes. “CJ, no.” My tone comes out pleading and too sharp. “Let me handle it.”
He’s already got one hand on the gate, and his shoulders sag. “Is this about Nathan?” He turns to face me, his silver eyes tense with frustration. “Because I’m not him.”
“I know.” I rock up and kiss his cheek, savoring the warmth of his skin and his fresh cotton scent for an instant before I spin away and slip through the gate. But as I hurry up the porch steps, my thoughts swirl like the snow whipping past my hot face.