Chapter 29 #2
“Can I call you later?” I ask Linnea because she’s got her backpack slung over one shoulder and her coat folded over her arm.
Right now, the best place for me to be is alone.
I’ll shut myself in my room and queue up some movies.
Going to a meeting would probably be the best plan, but I don’t trust myself to not accidentally swing by a liquor store on the way.
She hitches her backpack strap a little higher. “Don’t you need a ride?”
“I found one,” I lie.
I’ll call Bear, and if he’s not around, I’ll call Dane.
He’s a couple of hours away but I know he’d try to get here in time, probably talking me off the ledge the whole way.
If both of those ideas don’t pan out, I could try to get ahold of someone in the bunkhouse.
At least make sure Jasper gets fed and turned out for the night. Meanwhile, I’ll start walking.
“And…aren’t we…” Linnea adds when I don’t answer. She pauses to look behind her, like she’s afraid to finish her sentence. Which might as well be a knife to my chest.
We stare at each other for a long moment.
“I can’t,” I finally say.
Linnea’s eyes flash with a mix of confusion and hurt, but I would do anything to protect her. Even if it’s from me.
After a slow nod, she spins for the door.
When I return to Deputy Director Shay’s office, he’s typing at his computer and barely spares me a glance as I drop off the test.
“I should have the results by Tuesday,” he says in that brisk tone that makes my hackles jump. But this isn’t his fault. He could have gone to bat for me, but why would he stick his neck out for an addict?
Then it hits me—this is Sheriff Thomas flexing his powers. I shut my eyes for an instant. Even though he’s a small-minded prick, I can’t shake the sense of foreboding.
When I find the entryway empty, a hollow burn coils inside my ribcage. But I basically told Linnea to get lost, so what did I expect?
When I push outside, the dusky horizon has turned an inky purple, and the first stars pepper the patches of clear sky. I should take a moment to appreciate the fucking endless magnificence of it all, but the energy that requires is slipping through my fingers.
The icy breeze stings my eyes, but blinking just makes it worse.
Fuck!
At the end of the parking area, Linnea’s headlights flash on, but instead of her car heading for the exit, she drives toward me, then parks and lowers the window.
She fixes me with a steady, calm gaze, her hands tucked between her thighs, probably to keep them warm. The idea that she’d sit here waiting for me makes my eyes sting.
Just go already!
But she doesn’t move.
I blink but my hot eyes are leaking.
This is so not how I want her to see me. My head a mess, my cravings at a full howl. On the verge of feeling sorry for myself. Wanting to be alone so I can.
I rub my sobriety coin. Let go and let it be. “You should head home.”
She swallows hard. “Is that what you want?”
Longing and fear crash so hard inside me I struggle to draw a breath. “No?”
“Let me take you home, okay?”
I wipe my eyes again and try to swallow the rest. I just have to keep it together until I get to the ranch, and then I can scream at the sky if I want to.
Once inside the passenger seat, I strap my seatbelt across my lap and Linnea drives to the exit. Her car is a little cramped for my legs, but it’s already warming up in here, and it smells like her. I want to take comfort in it, but I’m spending too much energy holding my shit together to try.
We drive in silence that’s so loud my ears throb.
It’s twelve miles to the turnoff, and watching the mile markers pass is like being in a time warp. One that might never end.
“Are you upset about the drug test?” she asks.
I force down a swallow, but it’s like my throat is full of cotton. “Maybe?” God if I could only form actual sentences.
“I understand if you want to be alone tonight, but you don’t have to be.”
Unwelcome heat rifles down my spine. “You don’t have to babysit me.”
Her startled gasp is like a gut punch.
I squeeze my eyes shut. “I’m sorry.” My voice is rough and raspy. If I could just get out of this car… “I…appreciate the offer, but I…don’t think I’d be good company.”
We pass the little supermarket and the gas station, then the strip mall with the liquor store and laundromat.
Finally, we reach the turn into the ranch, and as we pass beneath the arch, I can’t help the sigh of relief that works up my chest. Home. Though it’ll feel like an empty shell without her.
She continues down the same dirt road I walked this morning before dawn, my steps brisk with purpose. How is it possible this moment exists in the same fucking day?
When Linnea pulls in next to my Dodge, I can’t shake the images playing through my mind. Just one drink. A beer or a swig from a forgotten bottle of Bailey’s or rum.
I draw a full breath until it stings, so I can gather every shred of bravery I have left, then let it out, puffing my cheeks. “Would you be willing to take me somewhere?”
Her brows knit together. “Of course.”
“I need to find a group.”
Understanding flickers in her eyes. “Like a meeting?”
I wipe the fresh tears leaking from my eyes again. “Yeah.”
She reaches for my hand. The sight of my rough rose clasped in her delicate fingers and the warmth from her touch are like twin rays of hope shining in the dark.
Her kind gaze finds mine. “Can I go with you?”