Chapter 5 #2
Wasn’t that the truth? James knew all too well how quickly happiness could be snatched away.
It had happened to him while standing in an empty parking lot, talking to Eli for the last time, while sitting in an uncomfortable doctor’s chair receiving his mother’s diagnosis, and in his own home, when he realized his dad had left for good.
They stood in contemplative silence for a few moments before Noah’s eyes drifted back to James. “Does Leon make you happy?”
James nodded immediately.
“Then I think you should go all out. When you love someone the way you love Leon, you should show them, in whatever way you can, as many times as you can. Sometimes life can get in the way of big gestures and declarations, so when the opportunity arises, I think you should take it.”
James huffed. “You said you’ve had the aspec conversation a few times? Well, you’re the third person to tell me that,” he said, and he walked over to his closet to grab the second basket. “So, I guess it must be true.”
They drank their wine and passed tissue paper back and forth between them to decorate the inside of the second basket.
Noah braided tissue paper into a red, white, and pink cord and wrapped it around the basket handle.
“I had really long hair growing up,” Noah said as he tied a knot at the bottom of the handle.
“Really? I had these hideous bowl cuts for most of my childhood.”
James snorted as he remembered one particularly bad haircut, where he’d taken himself to a men’s barber shop.
The poor stylist hadn’t known what to do with a clueless thirteen-year-old asking for a “shortcut.” He’d ended up with a Karen haircut, and his mom had tried to fix it in the guest bathroom before his dad got home.
“The day I came out, I cut all my hair off at a party, Mulan style.”
James nearly dropped the memory book. “Like…with a sword?”
“A dull kitchen knife I found at the back of a drawer in a frat house,” Noah said. The only sign of how he felt about it was the slight curve in his lip. “Looking back, I feel a little bad, because I think that might have been their only knife.”
Their eyes met, and Noah’s lip quivered as he said, “Then again, I fucked the president of the frat that night using a dildo his ex-girlfriend left in his room, so maybe I paid my dues after all.”
James had to put down the memory book to cover his face in laughter.
After they finished the baskets, they poured themselves a second glass of wine and reviewed how James was going to decorate Leon’s apartment.
They gathered a small mound of decorations and, with Noah’s help, packed them in one of his mom's many tote bags to bring over to Leon’s house.
There was almost another whole bag of unused decorations left, so, with wine glasses in hand, James and Noah wandered around the house, hanging, placing, and arranging the new decorations for his mom to enjoy with Linda and Howard tomorrow.
When James hesitated to text Leon, Noah took charge and texted Aspen, then sent the plan to the group chat.
James checked in with Leon separately to make sure it was okay for him to decorate Leon’s house.
With a simple warning to make sure Yarmen didn’t get tangled up or try to eat anything, James had the green light for his plan.
“Do you want to watch a movie? Or I have an Xbox and a few board games lying around somewhere.”
“Monopoly?” Noah asked, a new gleam entering his eyes as James racked his memory.
“Yeah, I think I can find that.”
After nearly three hours of testing every facet of their newly formed friendship, James somehow won.
Noah had drunk the rest of the wine, and with pink cheeks and a slightly unfocused gaze, he demanded a rematch next week, but with Aspen and Leon present to make sure “you aren’t somehow influencing the dice. ”
Since Noah had done him such a huge favor, and because he was now carrying a small ball of warmth for Noah in his belly along with the ones for his mom, Leon, and Aspen, James paid for Noah’s rideshare back to his place across town.
He put away the game and tidied up the kitchen as he waited for his mom to get back from her date with Linda, so he could show her the new decorations.
“Your dad never really liked Valentine's Day,” she said twenty minutes later, as she straightened one of the paintings Noah had draped with cut-out paper hearts. “I think it’s really sweet that your friends care so much about you and Leon’s day.”
That ball in his stomach bounced around like it was in an out-of-control pinball machine.
There was one thing he hadn’t told Noah, not wanting to saddle him with any more worries after unloading on him about the baskets.
James wasn’t sure he wanted to burden his mom with it either.
He’d spent years silently carrying anxieties and fears that kept him awake at night.
It never felt fair to make his mom carry not only her worries, but his as well.
As he sat at his childhood table, which still bore the scars of years' worth of meals they’d shared together, he took a chance.
“Sometimes I’m afraid I’m not good enough for him. That he won’t actually want me long-term. That I’m not worth it.”
His mom reached out and placed her hand on top of his. “I know you know this, but as your mom, and the person who chose your father to begin with, it's my job to remind you that Leon is not him.”
James let out a shaky breath. “That’s not…”
His words trailed off at his mom’s no-nonsense look.
“That’s not entirely it,” James said, searching for the words to make her understand. “I know that he didn’t leave because of me.”
She squeezed his hand. “Correct.”
“But…he didn’t stay because of me, either.”
“Oh, honey–”
“No, it’s okay, I…I don’t wish that he’d stayed.
He was okay as a dad when I was growing up, but as soon as I became my own person and started showing who I really was, we never had anything to talk about or connect over.
I think maybe it’s possible he loved me, in his own way, but at the end of the day, I’m glad he left.
Our lives have been so much better because of it, but I guess…
” He chewed on his lip, and his mom waited patiently for him to untangle his thoughts.
“I guess, I’m just afraid that in opening up to Leon the past few months, and showing him who I really am, that maybe… maybe I’m not worth staying for.”
Okay, so maybe it was a little about his dad after all. Ugh.
His mom smiled softly at him, with just a hint of indulgence.
He could remember her giving him that smile when he was a toddler, and he would bang his little toddler spoon against the table, as if he were playing drums. He traced his thumb over one of the small dents in the table left by that spoon.
“It makes sense for you to be scared,” she said. “You’re taking a big step tomorrow and making yourself really vulnerable. The only way we can grow and experience love that will finally heal those scared parts of us is by taking that chance, though.”
James stared at their joined hands. “Has that happened with you, Howard, and Linda?”
“It has,” she said, without even an ounce of hesitation. “I did a lot of healing on my own, of course, as I know you have, too. But taking that chance with each of them has laid those fears to rest once and for all. Even if things don’t work out in the end, I feel stronger now.”
She looked stronger, too. Her shoulders were back, and her head was held high in a way he hadn’t seen in years.
“I’m so glad,” James said, tears burning the back of his throat as he wondered if he was somehow going to disappoint his mom, too, if he messed up tomorrow.
She studied him, and finally, after what felt like an eternity, she patted his hand. “I know you’re going to do what feels right for you tomorrow, but remember it’s not your one and only chance. Howard kept shooting his shot over and over with me until finally our feelings clicked.”
James gaped at her. “Who taught you the phrase ‘shooting your shot’?”
Her hand patting slowed, somehow turning condescending. “I have access to the internet, too, dear.”
James shook his head, and his mom’s eyes crinkled around the edges. “I love you so much, sweetie. I’m happy to tell you more about the wonderful things I’ve learned from the youth online, but right now I think you need to get some sleep so you don’t look like a zombie for your date.”
James would actually prefer to avoid that conversation at all costs, so he hastily stood up and kissed her cheek. “I love you,” he said, and it was as easy as taking his next breath.
Maybe one day it would be like that with Leon, too.
“Are you ready for us to deliver your prince to you?” Aspen asked.
James did his best to balance the phone on his shoulder as he put the final piece of tape on the Happy Valentine’s Day sign he was hanging above Leon’s door.
“Are you not with him right now?”
“I am. Why do you ask?” Aspen said, smacking what sounded like gum directly into their phone.
“I was just wondering if you would say something that ridiculous in front of him.”
James hopped down from the step stool and began looking around for Yarmen.
He was the final part of the gift, and James had worried about this most of all, given his lack of experience handling cats.
He’d always wanted one, but his dad had banned all pets when James was a kid.
Then his mom had gotten sick, and James hadn’t had the capacity to deal with taking care of three living things in their house when he was barely managing to take care of one.
Now that his mom was better, he had begun to fantasize about getting a cat, but with how much time he spent over here, he didn’t want to saddle his mom with a pet.
Besides, depending on how things continued with Leon, it might be easier if they got a second cat as a couple; that way, they could introduce it to Yarmen together.
Anyways, first things first.