Chapter 6 #4
Like, for example, the moment James lay down again.
Leon wrapped him up in a sweaty hug and pressed their foreheads together.
It was hard to keep his sticky eyes open and focused, but he did his best to stare into shifting pools of blue as he said, “I love you.” James opened his mouth, but Leon shook his head.
“You don’t have to say anything. I’m not expecting anything back and…
actually, I think I’d almost prefer it if you didn’t say anything back. ”
James squinted, and Leon tipped his head up to kiss the soft furrows in his brow. “Why not?” James asked.
“Because it’s been a hell of a day, and I don’t want you to say something you don’t mean or feel pressured. I’ve been thinking about this all week, and I know it’s not a spur-of-the-moment thing or an endorphins-after-sex thing or whatever. I love you, and that’s that.”
Speaking of those damn endorphins, Leon’s muscles were beginning to quiver. James really looked like he wanted to say something, but when Leon jerked from an intense shiver, James grabbed Leon’s blanket and pulled it around them. The warmth helped, as did burrowing against James’ chest.
James traced idle patterns into Leon’s back and dropped gentle kisses on his hair. He was just beginning to drift off when James cleared his throat. “I’m assuming there’s no way I can assure you that I’m not responding out of pressure?”
Leon pressed his nose into James’ neck, breathing in the smell of his soap and clean sweat. “I don’t want you to say that you ‘feel the same way, too.’ I want it to be something you say when the time feels right, not in response to me.”
“Okay,” James said, his soft breath rustling Leon’s messy, only somewhat dry hair.
He probably wouldn’t even be able to get a brush through it at this rate.
He’d shower in the morning, or maybe the late afternoon, which was when he hoped to sleep in ‘til.
James had a bad habit of waking up early and waking Leon up with him.
Maybe after their hellacious evening, James would be more willing to sleep in.
As silence settled in around them, so did the weight of the night. He could still feel jitters working their way through his body, from the call, the race to the scene, the hospital, and then the aching release afterward.
His afternoon actually hadn’t been all that much calmer, filled with Aspen’s mile-a-minute chatter. Even Noah had been a little keyed up, excited for Leon to see James’ surprise and for whatever his own plans with Aspen that night might be.
The burst-open hole in Leon’s chest began to ache, remembering how nervous James had been for their special evening, just to have everything fall apart in the end. He’d been such a trooper, handling Trina, Hailey, her mom, and Leon.
“Thank you,” Leon said, as if that was anywhere near enough.
James shifted against him, but before he could respond, Leon forced himself to open up a little more, to try just a little harder. “Thank you for going with me, and coming back here and giving me exactly what I needed, and–”
Leon’s voice cracked, and he cleared his throat so hard he ended up coughing over James’ shoulder. James pulled back, concern etched into the corners of his eyes, and Leon smacked their lips together for a quick kiss. “Fuck, darlin’...I love you so much.”
Leon wasn’t entirely sure if James’ eyes were swimming with tears or if it was Leon’s turn to cry again. The moral of the story was that one, if not both, of their eyes were wet.
“I hear you, baby,” James said, and there was something in his voice Leon couldn’t decipher.
“I’m so sorry your whole date was ruined. I know you spent a lot of time and effort on it.”
The corner of James’ lip twitched up. “It’s okay. It’s just a day on the calendar. It doesn’t really matter. What matters is Hailey’s safe, and Trina’s safe, and we’re safe, and–”
This time, James’ voice broke, and tears leaked out of the corners of his eyes. One of them ran sideways over his nose and dropped onto the pillow. He didn’t bother clearing his throat. He gave a wet laugh, and his smile grew as more tears dropped onto his pillow.
“And you love me.“
“I love you,” Leon said, surprised at how strong his voice came out when his insides were quivering.
“You love me,” James repeated, his voice breaking like sugar glass as he laughed again. “And I’m not allowed to say it back.”
Leon nodded and found himself laughing a little, too. “You are abso-fucking-lutely not allowed to say it back. Not tonight.”
James nodded and pulled Leon somehow tighter against his chest. “I promise, baby, I hear you. I won’t say it tonight.”
That sounded believable enough. Now that that was settled, Leon decided he’d earned a little of his favorite snuggling.
He shimmied around in James’ arms until he became the little spoon.
James allowed this with little fuss, because he was the most amazing boyfriend Leon had ever had. No wonder he loved him.
As he always did, James only lasted a few minutes before he began to fidget. He stroked his fingers over the octopus on Leon’s shoulder, and then down the skyscraper right over his spine.
“Weren’t you going to let me design a tattoo for you?” James murmured.
“Oh fuck, you’re right.” He had promised to message his tattoo artist six weeks after his first sleepover with James. Now that he thought about it, he was pretty sure he had snoozed that calendar reminder into oblivion. Fucking ADHD. “You wanted it on my forearm?”
“Yeah,” James said, lifting up one of Leon’s arms. He traced unknowable patterns into it and then drew a large heart. “I think it should be a heart with my name on it.”
“No,” Leon said, the word coming too quickly, too naturally, after saying it to Hailey’s shenanigans for the past few years.
James’ entire body tensed.
That hadn’t been what Leon had said to Hailey earlier. He’d let her go, even though they could have stopped her and insisted on driving.
As if reading Leon’s thoughts, James let out a shaky breath. “We didn’t know we needed to stop them. How could we know how it was going to turn out like that, but…even so, I…I still feel like maybe…I should’ve somehow seen the future and stopped her.”
“James–”
“The whole time we were driving there, all I could think was I should have insisted we drive them,” James said, his voice tumbling and breaking in on itself.
“The Subaru can handle much better, and then we could have dropped them off, and come back, and then…then I could have… But no, instead we were driving to the scene of a car crash, and I just kept thinking what if…what if she was hurt and you… It would be my fault.”
James sobbed, and his entire body convulsed. He tried to push away from Leon, but there was no fucking way he was letting that happen. Leon rolled over so fast it took his vision a moment to catch up.
“Nothing is your fault, darlin’,” Leon said as he pulled James into his arms, for the first time that night being the one to comfort him.
James tried to shake his head, but Leon pressed a solid hand against his cheek.
“Absolutely nothing. It wasn’t my fault either.
Or Hailey’s mom. Or even Hailey and Trina. It was an accident.”
James’ face pressed into Leon’s hand like maybe he was trying to shake his head again, but he didn’t argue out loud.
“I know it was all really scary,” Leon said softly.
“It was…horrible,” James whispered brokenly.
“I know, darlin’. I know. It’s okay to feel whatever you need to feel right now. You can let it out with me. I’m here.”
James made himself even smaller, fitting against Leon’s chest, tucking his head under Leon’s chin, and his tears ran down onto Leon’s pec.
“We’re okay. We’re all okay.”
James cried until it seemed like he had nothing left. His body still twitched and shivered, but slowly, Leon’s chest dried. When it seemed like they were both about ready to pass out, Leon rearranged them so he was on his back and James was curled up against his side.
“Get some sleep, my love,” Leon whispered, because he could say that now, and it seemed like something that needed to be said.
James’ breathing was almost even, but it hitched, and James pressed himself even closer. “Goodnight…Leon.”