Chapter 14
Then
I wasn’t scheduled to work at Delanie’s after school and had given my two weeks’ notice.
Tonight, I was going to start my job for Michael.
He said whenever my schedule allowed, and I was bursting at the seams to start.
Concentration was at a loss; all I could think about was him.
After dropping me off at home, he gave me a key to his apartment, and I wore it on a gold chain around my wrist. I wanted everyone to see and ask me about it. Feeling it and watching it dangle from my wrist instilled the reality that something was special between us. It was a symbol that he had won the key to my heart. I wished I had something to give him. I wanted him to wear something that meant ‘me’ whenever he felt or saw it. Giving him my class ring felt too juvenile since he was ten years older. I thought about buying him a necklace with some medallion and engraving, ‘Love, Jill’ on the back. Tammy and I would go to the mall this weekend, and she’d help me pick it out.
The PA came on to give the end-of-day announcements, and my legs bounced eagerly.
When the principal dismissed the school, I was out the door and to my car.
I was heading to Michael’s.
I called him the night before and told him I’d be there.
He said he worked until 5:00, meaning I had time to freshen my makeup or fix my hair.
As I pulled out of the parking lot and onto the street, those romantic feelings of driving home to my husband once again entertained my young heart.
Later, it would no longer be a dream, and the pain in my heart would prolong the journey.
I pulled into his apartment complex and parked next to where his Corvette would be parked when he got home.
I unlocked the door, walked into his apartment, and into the make-believe world I had created.
It had only been three days since he kissed me on that couch, and my destination for his love began.
I walked over and took a seat, remembering the moment.
It was real—that kiss and his sound when he kissed me. I wanted this job to be more than just cleaning and running his errands. I wanted to cook for him and care for him. Be there to make his bad days disappear—if he had bad days.
My eyes spotted a note on the counter, and I went to read it.
Dear Jill,
Thanks again for taking the job.
Feel free to use the stereo or anything you can find in the fridge.
There’s a box with some money on the dresser in my room.
Use it to buy anything you need to clean.
The vacuum and other cleaning items are in the small hall closet. I will work late tonight, so if I don’t see you, have a great night. Hope to see you soon.
Love, Michael
My fingers caressed over the words: Love, Michael.
I stared until my eyes burned.
I wanted to make sure I didn’t see things.
It wasn’t my creative imagination.
He wrote: Love, Michael. I held the letter to my chest and smiled. I went to his room and stopped at his unmade bed. My hand smoothed down the sheet, and I wanted to feel and smell where his body slept. I lay down and squeezed into his pillow. I breathed in his scent—manly soap and cologne. I rolled my face in it like a dog rolling in something terrible. I wanted his scent all over me. I wanted it on me long after I went home. Everything I smelled refreshed my senses, and I was back three days ago on that couch where he kissed me.
The smile on my face was forever embedded, and I thought I would have to learn to turn it off.
Later, I would have to learn how even to smile again.
I got up and went to the little box on his dresser, where his note said the money was.
I thought about wanting something nice for dinner while waiting for him to come home from work.
I wanted a reason to stay longer and be here when he returned.
After that, I checked the closet for cleaning supplies.
He had everything I needed, and they had never been open. I wouldn’t need to buy anything.
I went to the kitchen and checked his refrigerator.
Yes.
The chicken cacciatore was gone, which meant he finished it and hopefully thought of me when eating.
I thought of him when I felt and saw the key hanging from my wrist.
Of course, I didn’t need anything to feel about him.
I popped in a Faith Hill CD, cleaned his bed, scrubbed the bathroom, and vacuumed the apartment.
There was no need to polish the furniture, such as end tables, because he had none.
It was 5:00, and he’d be home soon.
I wanted to make him a steak dinner.
But I didn’t know how he liked his steak.
His phone rang when I was about to grab the money from the box and head to the grocery down the street.
An answering machine next to the phone clicked on.
“Hey, Jill.
This is Michael.
If you’re still there, pick up.”
He wanted to talk to me.
He was thinking of me.
Looking in the mirror, I saw a bright smile when I picked up the phone.
“Hi, Michael.”
“Good, you’re still there.”
My heart fluttered.
He wanted me here.
“Yes, I was about to leave for the grocery store.”
He interrupted me before I could ask him how he liked his steak.
“Great! That’s what I was calling about.
Your cacciatore was impressive.”
I bit down on my lower lip, giddy with all sorts of feelings.
“Take the money in the box and make another pan if you can.”
I was more than excited.
He had the same thoughts about me—having me here and dining together.
“Sure, not a problem,”
I said, glad I didn’t miss his call before I bought him a steak.
“Great.
April is coming over for dinner, and I want to impress her.”
My heart sank as I watched my expression in the mirror of his dresser.
I never saw anything sadder.
He wanted to impress April.
And he wanted me to make dinner…for him and April—blowjob eyes.
My mouth remained open, speechless. I knew if I spoke, it would come out all wrong, and he would know how upset I was. And maybe I should have because all I could say was, “Okay.”
“Great.
You don’t mind, do you? Might require you to stay a little longer.”
By now, the tears were so welled up in my eyes that I couldn’t even see my reflection in the mirror.
I felt my nose begin to run, and I couldn’t sniff it, fearing Michael would know I was crying.
I inhaled a deep breath as quietly as I could and responded.
“No, it’s fine.”
“Thanks, Jill.”
“Ah hah,”
I said and hung up the phone.
By now, snot and big, watery tears were dripping down my face.
What was I thinking? He had no romantic feelings for me.
But what was that on the couch three nights ago?
I went into the bathroom, dried my eyes, and blew my nose.
I flushed the paper down the toilet, not wanting Michael to find my snot-dried tissue, and then angrily snatched the money from the box; it fell to the floor.
I went to pick it up and found wallet-sized photos that were also inside the box that I hadn’t seen before.
They were of all girls—high school photos.
They were all very pretty, and I turned them over to read what they wrote on the back.
Michael, never forget Montauk.
I won’t. Jenny.
I read another.
Michael.
I’ve been in love with your eyes since 1st grade—Love Rochelle.
What the hell went on in Montauk? Where was Rochelle now?
Michael, Thanks for taking my virginity, Love, Pam.
I threw the pictures back in the box, set it down with force on the dresser, and left for the grocery store.
As I shopped for their dinner, I passed by the medication aisle and stared at a bottle of ex-lax.
I picked it up and thought about adding it to the chicken cacciatore.
How much would it take? I threw it in the cart and headed to the checkout.
Standing in line, I heard the person in front ask for the receipt, and then I knew Michael would see it if he asked.
So, I took it out and laid it on the shelf next to me.
I had another cry on the way back, and once I was at the apartment, I prepared the cacciatore with a deep heaviness in my heart.
How, just three days ago, I was on Michael cloud number nine.
Michael played music, lit the candles, and poured the wine as I cooked.
And now, he was going to be doing it all with April.
And I knew after, he would fuck her. Just like the girls in the box. Jenny, Rochelle, Pam, and the rest of the girls’ pictures that I didn’t read.
The oven dinged, and I pulled the pan out onto the stove, wrapping it with foil.
The front door opened, and Michael walked through it.
“Wow, I could smell it as soon as I exited my car.
You’re such a doll, Jill.”
I couldn’t even look at him.
I was furious, hurt, and heartbroken all at once, and he would be able to tell by the look on my face.
“It just came out.
Depending on what time…April gets here, it should be plenty warm,”
I said and went to gather my things.
“The apartment looks nice too.”
I didn’t respond and headed for the door.
I felt him watching me from behind.
“I’ll call you when I have a free day.
I still have a week left at Delanie’s,”
I said, opening the door.
He knew now something was wrong and hesitated before responding.
“Oh…kay.
No problem.
And…thanks for making dinner.”
“Yeah,”
I said and shut the door behind me.
I got into my car and drove out of the complex.
I was only a block down the road when I had to pull over.
I couldn’t see through the tears burning my eyes, and I laid my head on the steering wheel and cried.