Chapter 27
Now
A ring? Now? What’s he thinking? He was only to walk his daughter down the aisle and then leave.
From my point of view, anyway.
I haven’t seen this man in over twenty years, and he shows up and proposes.
“Michael…I…”
“I said don’t answer now.
Let’s deal with Tammy.
I know you want to be there for her.
I’ll be here waiting, Jill.
I’m not going anywhere.”
He’s still on one knee, braced in the sand.
He holds my hand with the ring.
I look at it.
I look at Michael.
I look at Monica and Jordan at the cliff’s top. Seagulls squawk and squeak in the background. The splashing of waves closes in, and the sun is about to set. He stands and wraps his arms around me. “Let’s watch the sunset…together,”
he says, kissing me gently.
Turning around, Michael cradles me in his arms, and his chin rests in the crook of my neck.
“I never want to miss another sunset with you, Jill.”
So many emotions are running through me.
The past, the present, Tammy, Monica, and Jordan.
Michael.
I can’t process so much in such little time.
But he said not to answer him. And Tammy is high on the list. Even if I wanted to enjoy this moment, I couldn’t, with my best friend, who has such little time left.
“I promise to always be here for you.
All you have to do is accept it,”
Michael says, and I close my eyes.
I don’t want to see the sunset because it’s the end of another day and one day closer to Tammy’s end.
How will I ever enjoy another sunset again?
I break from Michael’s embrace.
“Michael, I can’t do this.”
“I know it’s hard…with Tammy and all…”
“No.
It’s not just that.
I can’t do this with you.
I can’t put myself back through that again.
I’m not the same person. There was a time whenever I saw you, I would get all jelly-like inside.”
“And now?”
“Now, nothing.”
His eyes rim with redness and well with tears.
“I had to learn to look at the ugliness you caused in our life.
And now…that’s all I see.”
“You can’t see any beauty in us?”
“Yes, I did, Michael.
You didn’t.”
I turn and head back down the beach.
The sand makes it hard for a fast getaway, and he’s on my heel.
“Jill, please don’t leave.
Just have dinner with me.
Monica and Jordan went to a lot of trouble…”
“And that’s another thing.
What is it with you getting all involved with my friends and family?”
“Monica’s my family too,”
he defends.
“Oh, don’t start that.
Just because you gave life to someone doesn’t qualify you as family.
That’s a whole other level.
You gave that privilege up.”
He hesitates, sadly gazing into my eyes.
“Yes…I know, and it was the worst mistake of my life.
If only I could go back, I would change everything.
Watch Monica grow up.
Have more children…”
“Stop,”
I say and continue to walk away.
I can’t listen to the what-ifs or should have.
Staying away from Michael was the best thing I could have done for us.
Although I wanted more children to give Monica a sibling, Michael damaged my concept of ever having that.
If a father couldn’t love and want his own daughter and family, how could another man love us? The fear of making that choice and having another baby with Monica cast to the side as the outcome; I couldn’t take that chance. I couldn’t let another man destroy me like Michael had.
I see Monica watching us from the top of the cliff.
Though I know she can’t hear us, the situation is visible.
Is she part of this, too? And now I’m guilty of protecting her too much.
Maybe now is the time to lay it all out.
I want to tell her about my sacrifices to give her an everyday happy life. But that would undo all my hard work—never allowing her to be affected. But even I know that no one is left untouched after divorce.
“Why do you involve her in this? It’s not fair, Michael.
Not to her or me.
I kept all your shit quiet from her—you’re welcome.”
“I know.
Thank you.
When I met my daughter…”
He stops and looks out over the lake.
“When you met her…what?”
“Have dinner with me, at least.
There are some things I would like to tell you.”
Looking up, I see Jordan come and lead Monica back to the house, allowing us some privacy.
But whatever is going on, I feel her involvement.
And that alone hurts. “Please.”
“Okay,”
I say.
“I don’t know what’s going on with you two, but I don’t want to hurt Monica’s feelings—as she’s made this wonderful dinner.”
He holds his hand, but I push past and walk back to the canopy.
“And it’s not fair.
You are using her to make me feel guilty,”
I say when he pulls the chair out.
He bends down and kisses me on the cheek from behind.
“No, it isn’t.
But thanks for staying.”
Dusk has set, illuminating the lights hung around the canopy as we eat lobster, corn, and champagne.
Afterward, Michael adds more wood to the fire, lays a blanket over the sand, and asks me to join him.
“Come here,”
he says, patting the spot beside him.
“Let’s finish this champagne, and we’ll talk about anything you want.”
I grab my drink and sit on my knees so I’m not pressed against him.
Holding out my glass, he tops it off.
Through the light of the fire, I watch the bubbles swim through the crystal.
“Tell me what’s going on, Michael, with you and Monica and asking me to marry you.
You started to say something earlier. What was it?”
I sip my champagne and study his face.
He looks out over the darkness of the lake.
“When did she come to see you? I was under the impression that you two only connected on Facebook.
There seems to be more going on.”
He looks back and presses his lips.
“Monica did come to see me in Seattle.”
I huff and take another swallow of champagne.
“Don’t blame her.
It wasn’t her reaching out to me.
I reached out to her.”
Sadly, that feels like a lesser betrayal, and I shouldn’t feel that way about my daughter.
She is what I created—sweet, loving, forgiving.
“I was going through a bad time, re-evaluating my life.
I had already been watching her grow up on Facebook.”
“Did she know? Were you two online friends?”
“No, she didn’t know.
I didn’t know how she even felt about me.
Or if she had taken another man as her father.
I was never able to find you on Facebook.”
“And there’s a good reason why,” I say.
“So I couldn’t see you?”
“Yup,”
I say, but it’s a lie.
I was afraid that, if I joined Facebook, all the consuming over Michael and what he was doing would be like a reappearing cancer.
Nowadays, it’s so easy to check up on someone and spy legally.
If only we had Facebook back then, I could have spared the degrees I went through.
Seattle. But I knew Monica posted pictures of me on her Facebook. And all this time, I hoped maybe he was watching. He was.
“It was Father’s Day, and all her friends posted stuff about their fathers.
It hit me hard.
Because I knew she didn’t have anything to post about me.
Anything good, anyway.
Things to tell the world how much she loved her father. I had to turn it off. Fear of what I might see. It ate me up, and I logged back in, and there it was.”
“What was it? What’d she say?”
“The picture you took of us in Florida.
The one with Monica on my shoulders, holding her arms out and pretending to fly.
And, captioned above, she wrote: To my long lost father.
I hope you’re happy whatever and wherever you are or what you’re doing.
Happy Father’s Day.”
“She kept that picture beside her bed growing up.
I told her about that day.
That it was a happy day for all of us.”
“Did she ever ask about us? What happened?”
I look away and sip the champagne.
The waves are becoming louder as the dark sky filled with stars replaces the sunset.
“Not too much.
I think it just became the norm for her.
You were gone so much when she was little. That’s how she thought it was for married people.”
I laugh.
“When she started school, she didn’t understand why some dads live with their moms.
It was something she never considered.
And at times, she’d ask why we weren’t together.
I’d tell her our marriage wasn’t meant to be.”
He looks out over the dark water.
“After that post, I messaged Monica.
I thanked her for her post and said I wasn’t happy.
I asked if she would come to see me if I paid her way.”
“When?”
“Two years ago.”
She would have been in college.
“She never mentioned…”
“I told her not to.
I didn’t want to cause you any more pain.
I had done enough to you.
So, she knows Jill.
You did an excellent job raising her and keeping her from hating me. But I made sure she knew the truth about me.”
“How long did she stay?”
“The summer.”
“The summer! She told me she was taking extra summer classes and staying with friends from college.
Now I find out you two were hanging out.
I can see the lying apple doesn’t fall far from the lying tree.”
“Jill, she wanted to tell you.
I told her not to.
Please don’t be mad with her.”
I get up and walk toward the water.
I stop when I feel the water rush to my feet.
I’m not sure how to feel—betrayed, confused? Michael comes up from behind me.
I’m shivering; my arms wrap around my body, and he holds me close.
“Cancer…had just taken a friend, and it made me see how much I regretted my own life and what I had done. And how unhappy I was in my life. I didn’t want to die like that.”
I think of Tammy and understand his concern.
Having such little time left, we see things in a new light.
Tammy has chosen to see peace, goodwill, and the truth.
The good in people.
The good in Michael. I don’t know what to think or how to feel. Denial? I pray that by some miracle, Tammy’s life will be spared. Has Michael changed? Or is he only a wolf in sheep’s clothing?
“What did you and Monica do that summer?”
“She…helped me to heal.
She gave me purpose and a reason to go on.
She talked about her wedding and Jordan.
It made me so happy and sad at the same time.
Because I saw what I never gave you as a young bride. The way her eyes lit up when she talked of Jordan and their life together. It was love, and I saw the same thing in a young girl I destroyed years ago. You.”
He lays his chin on my head.
“I saw something bigger than anything I had been chasing—to be the sparkle in someone’s eye and the reason for the smile on their heart.
I saw you.
I saw everything I ever wanted.
And when cancer took my friend’s life, I was unsure which pain was worse—the shock of what happened or the ache for what never will. Death hurts the most when the story is not finished. Death is the end for all of us. But if my death leaves no memories in someone’s heart, it was the end of nothing. I saw my life as a beautiful lie and death as a painful truth.”
He holds me tightly, and we listen to the waves crash in and crawl back out.
The fire crackles beside us, and I don’t want to think for once.
“Just stay with me tonight on the beach.
No promises.
No commitments. Just you and I and a memory we’ll have after one of us is gone.”
“You want us to camp on the beach?”
“Yes.
There’s a tent inside the cabana.
It might be a little hard putting it up in the dark.”
He makes a small laugh.
“It will make it more memorable.”
I look up and see the sparkle in his eyes from the campfire’s glow.
“You’re serious.
You want to put a tent up in the dark, on the beach?”
He pulls me in, wrapping his arms tightly around me.
“There are lots of things I want to do with you.
But now, putting up this tent is first on the agenda.”
The fire reflects in his eyes, and I see sad desperation.
“Alright, Michael.
I’ll camp with you on the beach.
Besides, it’s something I’ve always wanted to do.
And… I do not promise anything.”
I say, and his ring sparkles when my hand touches his shoulder, reminding me I’m still wearing it.
I remove it and hand it over. “Here.”
“No, it’s yours forever.
Even if you never marry me, it’s what I should have given you a long time ago.”
He slips the ring back on my finger and places a small kiss on top.
“I’m just happy I got to give it to you…”
He starts to say something else and then stops.
“Shall we put up the tent?”
“What else were you going to say?”
“Nothing.
It wasn’t important.”
He walks to the cabana and returns with a bag containing the tent.
“Let’s do this,”
he says, smiling while unzipping the bag.
“Okay.”
We laugh through most of the process, and it’s maybe the release I need.
I wonder if Michael thinks back to the last time we tried this.
He made everything I wanted to do a hassle and a waste of time.
My delusional, romantic thoughts, he would call them.
It takes some effort, but eventually, we have a small tent up.
Michael holds up his palm for a high-five.
“Great job, kid.”
Kid.
He hasn’t called me that since high school.
“So, are we sleeping on the tent floor…or do you have some more surprises stashed away?”
He smiles—diabolically.
“What’s that smile for?”
“I do.
One sleeping bag.”
“Okay, that will do.
What are you sleeping on?”
“You.”
I can’t help but match his smile before running down the beach.
He chases after me, and the harder I run, the more the sand slows me down.
As we run, our laughter fills the night sky.
I feel young and silly.
I needed this. I’ve needed this for a long time.
He’s close, and I kick up more sand, racing down the dark beach.
“I’ll never let you get away again, Jill Danforth,”
he yells and grabs my arm as we both fall to the sand, laughing.
He’s on top of me, and through the dimly lit light of the moon, I see love in his eyes.
“Oh, Jill.
Why didn’t I do these things with you before? I love you.
Thank you for loving me once.”
His eyes admire my face, and then he kisses me.
It’s full of regret, remorse, sorrow, gratitude, and…love.