Chapter 42
Then
Breaking Drake’s heart hurt more than Michael breaking mine.
I was living with double heartbreak at the fault of my own hands.
Drake didn’t let me walk away that easily.
That night, he showed up on my doorstep, pain in his eyes that I recognized as my own.
To know I was the cause made me hate myself. I tried desperately to let him know it was all because of me. I was damaged, and he deserved better. “We deserve each other, Peach,”
he cried.
And it only increased the pain in my heart.
The cards, the flowers, and the letters came daily.
And when they finally stopped, all my hope stopped, too.
I had now ruined the best thing ever happening to Monica and me.
“Why didn’t you ever tell him how it made you feel when he talked of having children?”
Tammy asked.
We were finishing our shifts at the hospital, and it had been three months since I broke it off with Drake.
Each day, she rode me.
I didn’t blame her.
She knew how much I loved Drake.
“Because…because it’s so complicated.”
“Jill, it’s so complicated that you don’t even get it yourself.”
She was right.
I couldn’t explain it.
And that alone was all Michael’s doing.
“Tammy, please don’t take this the wrong way, but you live in Disney World with Ryan and the girls.”
She and Ryan now had two girls, Casey and Cali.
She choked.
“Disney World? How do you figure that?”
I took a deep breath and did my best to explain this.
“Everything’s perfect for you and Ryan…”
“Okay, first of all, everything is not perfect.
And if perfect is what you’re looking for, girl, you will be alone forever.”
“I don’t mean…perfect, perfect.
I mean, perfect for you and Ryan.”
“Well, today, I could have killed him.
He called me a bitch, and I told him he was an asshole.
He was mad because I was taking the weekend off.
No girls.
No husband. Just me and a book.”
I laughed.
“What if I call?”
“I might pencil you in.
Ryan has golfed for the last three weekends, leaving me with a toddler, a newborn, and a house to clean.
This time, it’s his turn.
Don’t get me wrong.
I love my girls and husband, but we all need a break.”
“Yes, exactly.
But when you say you need a break, Ryan has just as much invested in the girls as you.
I mean, we all know how Michael was as a father.”
“Yes, but you said Drake was great with Monica.”
“He was.
But here’s what I have learned about being a single mom.
First, you’re considered baggage, second-class if you come with kids.
Second, if you’re a good mom and put your children first, you’re not meeting his needs.
And he will never understand this because there is no personal, vested interest. So, you’re forced to be a neglectful mother to have a man. And there’s nothing I hate more than a man who tries to use the Bible in his favor. For example, your husband comes before your children. Where does that put Monica and me?”
“Did Drake say this to you?”
“Not exactly, but I felt it, and a mother knows.
You may get mad at Ryan and he at you, but when it comes to your girls, you will both ache for them.
I will never have this, Tammy.
Those moments when you both look at your children and have that smile on your face.
That is Disney World.”
She sighed.
“Oh, Jill.
I want you to be happy.”
“I know.
I’ll get there. Someday.”
We changed out of our scrubs, and I wished her a peaceful weekend as we left for the parking garage.
She waved as her car passed by, and I thought of what she said.
Maybe I should have explained more to Drake.
Instead, I ran like a scared deer.
As I drove to my parents to pick up Monica, I was dealing with the fear of being alone versus never having what Tammy had.
It’s not that I coveted what she and Ryan had.
It only showed me how it should be.
Was I willing to settle for the next best thing? What was the next best thing? And I would never know because I never gave Drake a chance.
Dad was teaching Monica how to play checkers—more like how to cheat at checkers when I walked in.
She was his pride and joy now, and all the backlash I took for getting pregnant at seventeen was now history.
He could never deny his little granddaughter.
Between Dad and Scott, Monica had two men wrapped around her finger.
“Hi, Mommy.
Pappy is coming to Dad and Doughnut Day at school next week.”
Mom hollered from the kitchen.
“Tell your teacher not to let Pappy eat too many doughnuts.
He’s supposed to be on a strict diet.”
She walked out with a bowl of cut-up apples and set them in front of Dad and Monica.
“I’ve been giving your dad Monica’s snacks.
Maybe he’ll learn some healthier eating habits.”
“How’d your check-up go, Dad?”
Dad was now starting to have heart problems and would never tell Mom.
Last week, he ended up in the ER when I was on duty.
“Oh, those doctors don’t know crap,” he said.
“Ahh…I think those doctors do, Dad.
Your EKG showed you suffered a light heart attack.”
“Light.
It was probably acid reflux.
You know your mother’s cooking.”
“No, I know your bad eating habits when you leave this house.
You need to take this seriously, Dad.
Your test shows early signs, and you can help reverse this.”
“Okay, Doc Jill.
But I’m still going to Monkey’s doughnut day.”
Monkey was his nickname for Monica.
She loved it now, but that would change as she grew.
“Pappy, we could give the doughnuts to Uncle Scott.
He has a good heart.”
A good heart he did.
Scott and Jen loved to have Monica, and many would take her on my weekend shifts.
I had no problems getting a sitter now.
And the fact that she was older helped.
She was no longer a baby but growing up so fast. And Michael was missing it all.
Michael’s name was dead in this household.
No matter how I tried to make us work, I was left with all the repercussions of our divorce.
Dad only made one comment: “I knew that boy would not stick around.”
And this time, I couldn’t disagree with him.
Myspace was new, and I tried it out for a bit.
But all I would do was online stalk Michael—trips to Aspen for Christmas.
He and Cami would post pictures of them sipping wine by the fireplace.
After that, scuba diving and snorkeling in the Caymans.
Their captions would kill me. This is what love looks like. I had to believe it was Cami posting these captions because Michael had no idea what love looked like.
A year later, she was out of the picture—literally.
Michael was with a younger woman in Hawaii, maybe younger than me.
Cradled in his arms, wearing their swimsuits on a white beach, were Michael and some blonde bimbo.
Captioned above this picture was—Our babies will be so beautiful.
A week later, she was no longer in any of his photographs. I guess with that caption, he dumped her at the airport. Michael had a beautiful baby. And she was mine.
I wanted to post my great pictures of Monica and me, and hopefully, he would see them.
But since my account was private, he would never see them unless he sent a friend request.
Michael’s account was public.
If not leaving me and our daughter wasn’t enough, he purposely posted stuff for me to find.
And I did.
My need to stalk Michael’s social media waned during my relationship with Drake, and I found myself happy and relaxed.
Now, the media cancer was back, and I was once again the stalker.
If I did not hate myself enough for losing Drake, I punished myself with Michael’s happy life.
Last night, Michael and Bambi had dinner at an oceanfront property.
Bambi. Like, that’s a name? I hoped Cami was also stalking him, and in thinking this, somehow, I felt a bond with her. I once found her Myspace page and came close to sending her a friend request. But then I didn’t want to be considered part of the jaded by Michael Danforth clutch. When Myspace lost popularity, Facebook came to haunt me.
“Was she good?”
I asked Mom.
“Yes, she was.
Your father wasn’t.
He used the excuse that Monica wanted ice cream.
But I knew what he was up to.”
“And I didn’t even say I wanted ice cream,”
Monica piped in.
“Dad,”
I scolded.
He threw his hands up in surrender.
“All right, Monica, get your stuff.
We need to get home and let Molly out.”
“Yes, Mommy.”
Monica gathered her stuff, and I kissed Mom and Dad goodbye and thanked them for watching her.
On the drive home, Monica began asking questions about Drake, which threw me for a loop.
“Mommy, since Uncle Scott is busy and Pappy can’t eat doughnuts, how about if I ask Daddy Drake?”
My mouth fell open.
“Why did you call Drake that?”
“Because that’s his name.”
“I know, honey.
But why did you call him Daddy Drake?”
“He told me to,”
she rattled off and began singing a tune from one of her videos.
“Mommy, why don’t we see Daddy Drake anymore?”
“Monica, when did he tell you to call him Daddy Drake?”
“When we used to go there.
I miss going there, Mommy.
I miss the animals, and I miss him.”
I had no idea Drake told her that.
I didn’t know she felt this way about him, and here I thought I was protecting her when she was missing him.
No doubt I missed him too.
“Sweetheart, why didn’t you ever tell me this before?”
“It was a surprise.
One day, when you were at work, Daddy Drake took me to the waterpark.
He said he wanted to ask me something.”
I remember that day.
But I thought Drake’s sister took the girls to the waterpark.
“He wanted to ask me if he could marry you.”
Oh, my God.
“He…asked you?”
“Ah, huh.
And I said yes.
Daddy Drake also asked if I wanted a sister or brother.
And I did, Mommy.
He said he would love me just as much as you do. And together, we would be a family. But it was a surprise, and I wasn’t supposed to tell you.”
Oh, my God.
It was like a punch in the gut.
How dare I.
How do I fix this? I could barely pull into the drive.
Everything was a blur, with the tears welling in my eyes.
“Well, Sweetie, you were a good girl keeping your secret for…Drake.”
“He said I could call him Daddy now.
But I said I would wait until after you’re married.
Not to ruin the surprise.”
My tears were running, and I quickly wiped my face before Monia would ask why her mommy was crying.
“So, why did Daddy Drake leave like Daddy Michael?”
I was the worst person in the world.
Now she would think she had been abandoned twice.
“Monica, listen to Mommy.
Daddy Drake didn’t leave you like Daddy Michael.
It was Mommy’s fault. Okay? Don’t you ever be mad at him. Mommy made a huge mistake.”
“What kind of mistake?”
“Deciding what is best for us,”
I mumbled under my breath.
I had Monica take her bath, and we worked on her spelling words before bed.
My mind was at a loss, all I could think of was how to explain everything to Drake.
I was going to beg him to take me back.
But I didn’t know how.
But when Molly jumped up onto my lap after Monica went to bed, I had a plan.
. . . . .
After dropping Monica off at afternoon kindergarten, I practiced my begging for forgiveness speech over and over in the car.
I was on my way to his vet’s office.
I thought about calling him, but each time I picked up the phone, I froze.
I knew I needed to see him in person.
After what I did, he deserved a personal apology. And I hoped I wasn’t too late. I already missed the cards and letters, and maybe that was a bad sign. Perhaps he didn’t care for me anymore. But this was Drake, and he had been crazy about me. And I now knew I was crazy for him.
I pulled into the parking lot and saw his old truck.
I was shaking.
I was excited to see him, and I was also a nervous wreck.
I knew his schedule from when we were together.
At twelve o’clock every day, he left for lunch to the farm. And I hadn’t missed him. Hopefully, we would be having lunch together.
The familiar smell hit my nose when I stepped in—dogs and bleach.
And strange as it was, it was the scent my mind connected to Drake.
Nancy, his receptionist, looked up and smiled.
“Hey, Jill.”
She seemed guarded, and I didn’t blame her.
She was very loyal to Drake, and I had been the one to break his heart.
“Hi, Nancy…I…”
“Jill?”
His voice was familiar, but the name he spoke wasn’t.
Peaches.
I wanted to hear his pet name for me.
But now, I was just Jill—the Jill who left him for no reason.
I turned around, and my heart melted when I saw him there—jeans, a black T-shirt, cowboy boots, and his white lab coat. The panic on his face was palpable in my heart.
“Drake…hello.”
He set his clipboard down, removed his lab coat, and hung it on the hook behind him.
I saw the hard body I missed holding me.
I saw the strong arms that used to wrap me, and I wanted to run to him immediately.
Beg him to take me back.
“What are you doing here, Jill?”
Jill. “I…ahh…”
I heard the chime of the door behind me.
“Hey, Drake.
Are you ready?”
I turned around and saw a young woman dressed in a business suit.
She was pretty, and I instantly hated her for saying his name.
“I thought we would go to Tossi’s for lunch.
I have a client coming in at one-thirty.”
“Okay.
Jill, was there something you needed?”
The woman walked over and wrapped her arms around him.
I was back in that closet again watching Michael and Cami.
And this time, it was my fault.
“Jill, this is Tawny…my girlfriend.”
The word seemed to hurt saying it as much as it hurt hearing it.
“Hello.
Jill, is it?”
She asked, offering her hand.
I forced my hand to hers.
“Oh…you’re Monica’s mother.
Drake talks a lot about your little girl.
She must be a sweetheart.”
I wanted her to shut up and stop being so nice.
“Yes, she’s my daughter.”
I looked at Drake, and I knew he could see the hurt in my eyes.
But his looked just as painful.
“Was there something I could do for you?”
Forgive me.
Take me back.
But I stood there, heartbroken and said, “I think Molly has infected ears again.
I needed to pick up some medicine.”
“Did you bring her in? I could check and see.”
God, even now he was being so sweet.
I wanted to shout how much I loved him.
“No, I just dropped Monica off at school…and you were on the way home.”
“Drake,”
Tawny said, looking at her watch.
“We need to get going.”
“Yes.
Well, Jill…it was good to see you.
Nancy will get that for you.
But bring her in if she doesn’t get better.
How’s Monica?”
Missing you—calling you Daddy Drake.
“She’s good…”
“It was nice meeting you,”
Tawny said and pulled Drake gently by the arm.
“Yes, you too.”
I watched the two of them walk out together.
I had lost again.
“Here you go, Jill,”
Nancy said, handing me the medicine.
I paid her and walked out, feeling lost.
I’d come here to get Drake back.
But what I got was a kick in the heart.
I tossed the ear medicine across the car and hit the steering wheel.
Fuck.
I lost him.
I saw his old truck still parked in his spot and knew they must have taken her car.
Crying, I laid my head on the steering wheel. After everything I had been through with Michael, this hurt more than anything because I had let this man get away. I felt my future pass by and saw no happiness in sight. For the next several years, dates would come and go, but there was no one I would ever fall in love with. A year later, Drake and Tawny were married, and two years after that, I heard they had twin boys. Most of my weekends would be spent with Molly, sitting on the couch and having a glass of wine until she died at fifteen when Monica was in college. The next time I would be happy would be when Monica came home and told me Jordan had proposed.