14. Tristan
FOURTEEN
TRISTAN
“Where is she?” I asked, my mouth dry as soon as I stepped foot in my childhood house in New York.
Last night, I dropped in my bed and didn’t wake up until Kai called insistently. I knew he wouldn’t bother me unless it was something serious, so I jolted awake at five a.m. and clutched the phone tight to my ear as I answered.
When he told me Lacey, our little sister, wasn’t feeling well, I didn’t waste another second and let Ryker know I was going to leave, well aware he didn’t like the monthly trips I took to New York. However, he opened his eyes with the same urgency I had and we flew here together.
“Relax.” Kai stretched a hand forward. “She’s sleeping. Ray is with her.”
“Did the doctor see her?” Ryker asked, his palms buried deep into the front pockets of his low jeans.
Kai nodded, then guided us to the dining table. “He said, from what I described to him, that it’s nothing to be concerned about. He’ll visit tomorrow morning when she wakes up.”
I sighed in relief and sat down in my usual chair, Ryker right next to me. Kai didn’t sit but clutched the wooden edge of his chair between his fingers, glancing at the two of us.
“I’ll go get my wife and then we’ll come down to eat,” he announced, his chest rising with the deep breath he took.
Kai turned and took the stairs, leaving me alone with Ryker. I let my shoulders touch the chair and allowed myself to breathe a little bit lighter.
When my brothers and I were little, we’d get sick so easily that Dad and Mom never got a rest day until we were grown up. If I wasn’t sick, Kai was and if he wasn’t, Kiaran would be, and Ryker…
Lacey getting sick was an entirely new thing. Maybe it was our fault, because when Mom had her, all of us were on her heels, making sure she was dressed enough and she had everything she needed. I sometimes missed the times when she was just a baby and I would put her to sleep by rocking her little body in my arms.
Now she was a teenager, as she liked to call herself and we only got to watch as she grew at a high speed. Until last year, she used to spend a couple of months with each one of us, but after Dad died, we all agreed that it’d do her good to have a stable place to live in.
I threaded a hand through my hair. “I could use a drink,” I said, more for myself than to Ryker.
He barely huffed, and I lingered on my seat for a few more seconds, hoping he was going to stop me. Instead, he took his phone out and started typing faster than he talked. If that was the way he communicated, so be it.
I made my way to Kai’s home office where he kept the alcohol and found a few bottles of whiskey, but no rum. My nose scrunched. I didn’t even know how he managed to drink that liquid, it was my least favorite drink, but desperate times called desperate measures. Right?
You were supposed to quit.
Ignoring the stupid voice in my head, I grabbed a glass and poured myself some poison, already feeling the burn in my throat. The clear liquid moved along with the circular motions of my hand as I decided whether I should drink it or not.
Just this once. It’s just a glass.
I shoved it down my throat in one go, my eyes flaring with tears at the hot sensation coursing my neck.
Being in this house without my father’s presence was something I couldn’t digest with a clear mind. Everyone got over it so quickly that I was starting to ask myself what the secret was. It’d only been six months and this place was as cold and unwelcoming as ever. If it wasn’t for the regular Sunday gatherings every month and my family here, I would’ve never stepped foot inside this house again.
Too bad I didn’t really have a choice.
Before I knew it, I was at the table with everyone except Kiaran—who couldn’t make it on such short notice all the way from Costa Rica—and Lacey, already a few glasses in. I had lost count.
They laughed and ate, the forks clinking on the plates as I went deeper and deeper into my own head.
I shouldn’t have drank tonight. Not only because I promised to myself I wouldn’t have a drop of alcohol ever again, but because my thoughts ran back to Haelyn.
When I first asked her to come for an interview it was because I was curious about how she looked, and when I decided to give her a trial period, it was because I knew how much she wanted the job.
On that first day, I could see she was hardworking—I only needed her CV to find that out—but I didn’t see a bright future for her as an employee at my company.
Yesterday she proved me wrong. Apart from those sinful round lips and her tempting body, her brilliant brain did us wonders. Thanks to her, after years of trying, we finally got a meeting with Gorig where we could show him who we really were and what we could do.
I didn’t think she even realized the sudden turn Graves Company could take from a partnership with Gorig. And now that I was thinking it through, I didn’t make myself clear about what her help meant to me and the company.
“Tristan,” I heard Esmeray’s voice, and when I lifted my eyes to look at her, heavy eyelashes fell on my cheeks.
Fuck, I was drunk already.
Everyone was still talking—from what I saw through the blurred vision—but she leaned toward me, her voice a whisper. “Is something wrong?” she asked, her brows furrowed as she patted the purple bow in her hair.
I hiccuped, gluing my back on the chair. “No, no.” I shook my head. “Everything is amazing.”
Amazing. Really.
Except that my father died.
Except I had a mother who I hadn’t spoken with or seen in years.
Except that I was turning into an alcoholic, if I wasn’t already one.
Except my mind wouldn’t stop creating scenarios about a specific curly-haired girl on her knees, taking me deep with tears in her eyes.
So yeah. Everything was amazing.
“Are you sure?” Her eyes squinted at me. “You don’t seem fine.”
I gave her a smile and I was ready to assure her there was nothing she should be worried about, but then my eyes flew to Kai and the care-free smile on his lips. The blood in my veins boiled.
It wasn’t the smile that bothered me—he was allowed to smile. I was bothered by the way he looked so relaxed as if he had no care in the world while I was breaking to pieces at the mere thought of standing at the table where Dad once was. The walls were closing in on me, each memory of him becoming more and more suffocating by the minute.
When I was sitting in this very chair with my head pointed at the ground because I had a bad grade at school and he patted me on the back.
When he called me to his office so we could talk about my future.
When we ran in the garden and ripped mom’s flowers and he helped us put them back so she wouldn’t notice.
When we’d have dinner together every month even if each one of us was in another corner of the world.
Everything came back with full force.
I rose to my feet, unable to control myself. I had to get out of here as fast as possible. But just when I was about to do that, Kai’s head moved in my direction and I couldn’t help it. I was fucking jealous of how easy this was for him.
“I don’t understand how you do it,” I said between hiccups, balancing on my feet.
Even drunk, I could feel the mood turning dark. His eyebrows furrowed.
“How I do what?”
Esmeray let go of her fork, glancing at us. She placed a comforting hand on Kai. “He’s drunk, Kai. Let him sleep it off and you can talk about this tomorrow.”
She was right, but I had fuel in me that I couldn’t stop from coursing through my veins. “I don’t need to be sober to know he didn’t give a shit about Dad.”
At that, he pushed to his feet, looking calm unlike me. “You have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“I don’t? Because all I’m seeing is that you’ve moved on with your life as if he never existed. It’s only been fucking six months, but you don’t seem to remember.” I didn’t know if that was what I said, but that was what I wanted to say.
He sighed, twitching his jaw. “Go to sleep, you’re talking nonsense.”
I huffed. “Nonsense? Kai, you don’t care about anyone else but you and your wife. You don’t care your dad died, you don’t care that I turned into a fucking alcoholic. As long as you are good, the rest doesn’t matter?—”
“Enough,” Esmeray intervened.
“You are a selfish bastard,” I spit out. “I guess you always preferred Mom, even after what she did to Ryker, and as long as she’s alive, you don’t give a shit that Dad is gone.”
He came to me, gluing to my chest in a second. I almost fell on the ground, but managed to keep my feet straight. His eyes were filled with anger.
Good. I was angry too.
“Kai,” Esmeray pleaded.
“Are you fucking kidding me, Tristan? I was the one who found Dad in his office. I was the one who almost had his marriage ended because of how I treated Esmeray after. I am the one who is living in this house. Do you think I enjoy it, you fucking prick? I’m doing it for Lacey because she needs a stable home.” He pushed into my chest and I fell onto the chair. I didn’t bother rising back up. Kai placed a hand on the armrests, looking me dead in the eye. “And yes, I care more about Esmeray because she’s my goddamn wife and she’s the one who got me out of the hell I’ve been through. Fucking hell, Tristan, if I’m selfish, then what the fuck you are for not noticing any of this?” With those last words, he turned around and marched to the stairs, not once looking back at me.
Esmeray cleared her throat, throwing me a disappointed glance. “You have no idea what Kai has been through. Did you know he still has nightmares?” She got up as well. “Did you know that every single month, on the day Callum died, I find him dead drunk in his office? Did you know that every morning, I find him at the doorstep of Callum’s office, staring at the chair where he gave his last breath?” Esmeray continued. “You are clueless about those around you, so don’t lash at others for grieving in silence.”
It was official. I was the biggest dick in the world.
Esmeray and I barely talked, so if she spoke to me like that it was enough to confirm I made a terrible mistake.
I didn’t know any of these because Kai didn’t tell me anything. Every time we talked it was about Ryker. Lately, we had nothing else to talk about but him. But then, how could I judge him for going radio silent when I did the same? I kept it to myself and didn’t tell anyone, so it wasn’t fair of me to judge him for it.
He didn’t text to ask how I was, but I didn’t text either.
We both completely let go of our relationship after Dad was gone.
God, I shouldn’t have drank tonight.
“Shit, I’m sorry,” I said, threading a hand through my hair.
She shook her head. “Good night, Ryker.” And with that, she turned on her heels and went after her husband.
What these two had was worth being jealous of. They always had each other’s back and they were there for each other through good and bad. It wasn’t Kai’s fault I hadn’t found that someone yet just like he did.
I looked at Ryker to my left and expected him to say something, but just like the others, he simply left for his room.
I deserved that.
There had to be a way I could make up for it the next morning. I had to show them I knew I was a total dick tonight.
Without realizing, I got my phone out of my pocket and texted Haelyn.
Me
How do you make up for a mistake?
I didn’t really expect her to reply, but two seconds later, my phone buzzed.
Haelyn Ross
you mean how to make up for ghosting me?
Shit. I was so preoccupied by her presence at the Graves Company this last week that I forgot about the stupid fucking app.
Me
That too.
Haelyn Ross
It’s fine. what happened?
Me
I got drunk. Said some things I shouldn’t have said to my brother. Him and his wife screamed at me. I’m telling you, I fucked it up badly.
Haelyn Ross
well. did you say those things just because you were drunk, or because you truly felt them
Me
I said what I felt, but now I know I was wrong.
Haelyn Ross
I think apologizing would be better than any other grand gesture. just be honest and test the waters first to see if they are still angry in the morning. maybe make them breakfast or something.
I could make banana bread. That wasn’t a bad idea.
Me
Thank you.
Haelyn Ross
you’re welcome.
Me
And I’m sorry for ghosting you.
Haelyn Ross
It’s okay. life gets in the way, just make sure that next time at least tell me you’re still alive *red heart emoji*
Me
Noted.
Haelyn Ross
now go sleep. I’ll talk to you in the morning
I locked my phone and got to my feet, then cleaned up the table and washed the dishes.
Somehow, I found myself on the first floor, swinging from side to side on the stairs until I got to Lacey’s room. I slowly entered and was met by complete silence and darkness.
I took my shoes off and sat down next to Lacey.
“Tristan? You smell like you drank a whole tavern,” she croaked out from her sleep.
I chuckled and raised her head and put it on my chest. She was still burning.
“I’m not going to fall asleep like that. I’m not five anymore.”
But then, three minutes later, she was already buried deeply in a dream.