CHAPTER ELEVEN #4
Harris closed his eyes, unable to comprehend that all his dreams were coming true.
He felt on top of the world, a thousand feet tall, and bubbling over with happiness.
“Yes. That’s exactly what I want. To be together.
Me and you, as a couple. That’s all I’ve wanted for a long time.
But I agree. It’s probably a good idea if we keep things on the down low for a while.
Until after the tour.” Basically, because he had no idea how Ethan was going to take it.
Not because Ethan would be jealous. Technically, Wolf was Ethan’s ex, and there was bro code to consider.
Harris was crossing a boundary. The conversation with Ethan about the kiss, and Ethan’s words about wanting to know if more was going on between him and Wolf, added to the layer of guilt.
But he had no choice. Waiting to tell Ethan until after the tour was the only solution because they had a show to do night after night.
The fans deserved the best show possible, and that wouldn’t happen if discontent overshadowed their performance.
And he wasn’t waiting another second to be with Wolf. He’d waited long enough.
Covered in sweat and trembling, Wolf pulled the covers over his head and began to silently cry.
Another nightmare claimed his sleep and pushed him back down a dark path.
When were they going to stop? They’d tapered off, and he thought they were going to go away for good this time.
Why did they come back? Things were great.
He was happy. He finally had someone who genuinely cared about him.
He quietly slipped out of bed, thankful that he somehow didn’t wake Harris. He shouldn’t have been embarrassed about having a nightmare because he knew Harris understood, but that didn’t matter. He was broken.
Washing his face calmed him, as if he scrubbed away some of the old memories, but they were always there under the surface. There was no escaping them. He knew that. But he also knew he couldn’t go on like this any longer. Something needed to be done.
After Harris left late that morning to deal with personal errands before the tour started back up again, Wolf knew what he needed to do and took off.
He slowed his car down the familiar street and stopped in front of a house he hadn’t seen in a long, long time.
He couldn’t bring himself to get out of the car.
The house, different in so many ways, still resonated with him on a deeply personal level and brought back everything he tried to forget.
The stabbing pain in his chest was no better than it had been back then.
Time didn’t heal old wounds, so whoever made up that saying was dead wrong.
A different family lived here now, and by the number of toys in the yard he assumed it was a happy one, but that didn’t necessarily mean anything.
Appearances were deceiving. Back then, everyone had thought he had a happy family.
His parents were respected people in the community, active in the church and at school.
No one knew how cruel they were. Not even Ethan’s parents.
Ethan knew to some extent, but his exposure didn’t even touch the surface of the physical and verbal abuse that went on in that house.
Wolf was glad when his parents moved out of the neighborhood.
He only wished they’d done it long before he graduated high school, so he didn’t have to run into them every once in a while.
Even when they had crossed paths, he never had to speak to them because they acted as if he didn’t exist. It hurt.
He’d pretended he didn’t care and avoided them as much as they avoided him.
He had never once tried to communicate with them, although some small part of him always wished his parents would love him again.
He would never understand how anyone could toss their kid aside like an old shoe because of who they loved.
He was over it. He really was. But the scars lingered. The emotional ones. The physical ones faded a long time ago.
He didn’t know why he felt the need to drive past the house. Maybe he thought it would help him forget or remind him that this chapter of his life was closed. But he didn’t feel any differently than before.
The curtains inside the house moved. Someone probably noticed a car stopped out front with a long-haired dude staring at them. He waited a couple of seconds and slowly pulled away so it didn’t look as if he were caught doing something wrong.
Instead of going back to his place, he found himself in front of the only home he’d ever known, and all the heartache that had cracked his chest in half a little while ago vanished.
Love, acceptance, inclusion, and togetherness filled him to his core, and everything felt right.
This was his happy place. He should have called Ethan, but the visit was unplanned.
He pulled into the driveway, and before he even got out of the car, the front door to the house swung open, and Ethan’s mom came running toward him. Her arms were stretched wide open, and her smile was brighter than the sun.
Wolf returned the smile and quickly jumped out of the car.
He found himself engulfed in a mother’s hug, and it filled him with so much joy that he couldn’t contain his smile.
“Hi, Mom.” He usually called her Joanna, but on occasions like this, “Mom” just fit, and she loved it just as much as he did.
“It’s so good to see you! I told Ethan you’d better stop by and see me before you boys go back on tour.”
As if he would leave and not see her again for another few months.
She stepped back, took his hands, and looked him up and down as if she were making sure he was OK. “You look good.” Her brows drew together. “But you look tired. Are you sleeping OK?”
He didn’t want to burden her, but he could never lie to her. “Not really.”
She pressed her lips together. “The nightmares? I thought they finally stopped.”
“They never stop. They go away. But they always come back.”
“Come inside and let’s have coffee and cake.” She placed her arm over his shoulder, even though he was several inches taller than her, and led him toward the front door.
The home welcomed him with love and acceptance, the same way it always did.
The place had undertaken a huge renovation and an extension over the years, thanks to Ethan’s generosity, but everything about it still represented family.
New furniture and upgrades didn’t take away the memories encased in its walls.
“Rick, we have company!” Joanna called toward the open sliders.
“Be right in,” Ethan’s dad called back. He was the father figure every boy hoped for in their life.
“How are you?” Joanna cupped his cheek in her hand and studied his face. “I’m worried the tour is too much for you if you’re not getting the right amount of rest.”
This woman showed him more love and concern in five minutes than his mother had in the 15 years he lived with his parents. “I’m OK. I’m always OK.”
“You’re the strongest person I know. Even as a kid. You never cared what anyone thought or had to say. You were always your authentic self.”
“That’s the only person I know how to be.”
“You’ve made us very proud. Ethan as well. I was blessed with two sons. One by birth. One by choice.”
An unexpected lump lodged itself in Wolf’s throat, and he tried to swallow it down. He loved hearing the things she said to him. She always knew how to chase away the blues.
“Look at this hair.” She tugged on the ends. “It’s longer than ever. Ethan finally cut his hair. How about you?”
He smiled broadly and shook his head. “Not happening.”
“It is beautiful.” She pushed it behind his ears. “But it hides your handsome face. Now sit. I’ll get the coffee and snacks.”
As he settled into one of the chairs in the kitchen, he heard heavy footsteps from the other room and then a booming voice.
“Wolf. What a nice surprise!” Rick practically yanked Wolf out of the chair and gave him a suffocating bear hug. “So good to see you.” Several hearty slaps on the back followed, accompanied by one on the shoulder, and they both sat down at the table.
Joanna set down a platter of cookies, and Rick immediately grabbed one. “Those are for Wolf,” she scolded.
“None for me? Your loving husband?”
She rolled her eyes and went back to the kitchen before returning with three cups of coffee on a tray and placed one in front of each of them.
Wolf sipped his. It was just the way he liked it, and by the expression on Rick’s face, so was his.
Most people just served it black and brought out the milk and sugar.
Not Ethan’s mom. She knew exactly how everyone loved their coffee, and she loved serving it to them that way.
“Ethan and Tyler were here yesterday,” Rick said. “When are you going to settle down?”
Wolf hoped that’s where things with Harris were headed, but it was a little too soon to assume everything would work out. It was still too new. “I don’t know. I’d like to.”
“Don’t rush the guy, Rick.” Joanna patted Wolf on the arm. “When it’s right, you’ll know it. Don’t settle. Find the person that makes your whole heart full.”
Her words sunk in and etched into his head.
It’s exactly what he was looking for—his person.
His thoughts returned to Harris. The guy obviously had feelings for him and, by the sound of it, they weren’t new.
But they were new for Wolf. He looked up and saw Joanna giving Rick a silent message with her eyes, which Rick read perfectly.
“I’d love to stay and chat,” Rick said. “But I have to finish mowing that lawn before dinner. You’re staying for dinner, right?”
Wolf hadn’t planned on it, but he could never say no to this family—his family. Sometimes he needed to remind himself that he had family, and it was the best family he could have asked for. “Sure. I’d love a home-cooked meal.” He smiled at Joanna, and she smiled back.
“I’ll call Ethan and see if he and Tyler can make it,” she said.
“Good.” Rick stood with his coffee cup. “We can catch up when I’m done with the lawn.”
Joanna waited until Rick left the kitchen and she heard the sound of the sliders opening and closing before she moved her chair a little closer. “Tell me about these nightmares. Has something triggered them?”
That was the confusing part. They came at a time when he’s been happier than he’d been in a long time. “I don’t know what triggers them. Everything’s been great.”
She frowned. “Are you having them every night?”
“No.” But they might as well be every night because he was afraid to sleep after an incident, and just when he finally got a good night’s sleep, a fucking nightmare started the cycle all over again.
She rested her hand on his cheek and rubbed her thumb back and forth. “Do you want to talk about them? The nightmares.”
“No. They’re just past memories that come back to me. Bad ones. From my old life. My old family.”
Her hand dropped from his cheek, and she crushed her fingers together. The anger and frustration shown in the hardness of her eyes, the way it always did whenever anyone mentioned his parents. “I wish you could find a way to leave all that behind.”
So did he.
“I think you should go to counseling. I’ll come with you if you want. We’ll all go with you if you want. But I strongly think you should go.”
She always offered, but he didn’t want anyone to hear the things he had to say. The things he went through. The abuse he endured just because of who he loved and because his parents were narrow-minded assholes.
“Please think about it, Wolf. You need to figure out how to move on and deal with what you went through.”
He slowly nodded, because that’s what he’s been trying to do. He wanted to move on and forget about his past. He thought he did. He thought he was handling it. But apparently that’s not the case. Maybe Joanna was right. It was time to go to therapy.