4. Shiloh
Chapter 4
Shiloh
A s I pretended to be engrossed in my crossword, I couldn't help but steal glances at the woman leaving my table. Something about her was mildly familiar, but I was certain she wasn’t here for me. I didn’t know anyone here—except for my infatuation.
I brought my eyes to Ember, who was behind the counter. She was the reason I came to this shop. I never got up the nerve to speak to her outside of giving her my coffee order, but at least I could enjoy the view.
Before that woman who approached me earlier, no one ever seemed to notice me. She made me feel slightly exposed, and I was glad she left without further interaction because I enjoyed being invisible—at least here. The last thing I needed was someone to realize my motivation for coming.
“What the fuck, cuz?” Sonya’s voice shook me from my reverie, and I stared like a deer in the headlights.
Had she busted me? I felt creepy but tried to act natural.
“I thought you had a date?” I stared at her questioningly.
She ignored my comment and sat down. I felt an interrogation coming on, and I didn’t like being put on the spot. Surely, she didn’t know about my crush. And if she did, I hoped like hell she wasn’t here to call me on it.
“Why didn’t you talk to Caz?”
I closed my eyes, processing what she said. “Caz?”
“Yeah, your surprise.” She spoke slowly as if I were stupid, and maybe I was because I hadn’t a clue what she meant.
I had been so worried about her confronting me about Ember that I played out an entirely different conversation in my head. And now that she was off-script, I was lost.
“What are you doing here?” It was always best for me to lead the conversation when it came to Sonya.
“I’m here to help you, but you make it impossible.” She rolled her eyes.
“I’m sorry, but I didn’t ask for your help. Is this what you and Devon were talking about yesterday?”
“Caz was going to help you find a lover. What did you say to her?”
“I don’t know a Caz , so I couldn’t have said anything to her.”
“I saw her sit at your table. You said something because she left and sent a somewhat bitchy text.” She showed me her phone.
“Wait a minute. The woman who wanted to buy drugs was who you sent to help me?” How did Sonya ever think that was a good idea?
She knew that was more up her alley than mine.
She barked out a laugh so loud that everyone turned to stare at us, including Ember, and I pulled the crossword up to hide my face.
“What’s so funny?” I hissed.
“That anyone would think you would be stealthy enough to sell drugs. You almost have a panic attack if someone mentions artificial ingredients in food. Let alone something illegal.” She pulled my book down so she could see me. “Caz didn’t want to buy something from you. She wanted you on her show.”
I searched my brain for a minute, then realized where I had recognized that woman before—Caitlin Montgomery. She was a vlogger and podcaster who made quite a name for herself over the years. I didn’t follow her because everything seemed rehearsed and immature, but I’d seen a few things with Sonya and Devon, who thought what she did was amazing.
“Why would she want me to be on her show? None of this makes sense. I don’t even watch her.” Whatever Sonya and Devon had said to her was probably a lie to make me feel stupid.
They had a unique sense of humor, and Caz was probably down for it. I was glad I could foil their plan.
“I know you don’t, but you should. She has some good segments, and everyone voted for her to help you find love. At first, she didn’t seem too happy about the idea, but she came around, and I thought if anyone could break you out of your shell, it would be her.” For once, she sounded sincere, but she still hadn’t answered my questions.
“Look. I appreciate you feeling sorry for me, but I’m doing fine solo. If you must know, I can get my own date.” I didn’t know if that was true because I’d never asked anyone out, but I wanted to believe in myself.
“I don’t feel sorry for you,” she huffed. “But there was no way you’d let me give you advice on that woman, so I thought if I got a professional, you would be more open.”
I refused to ask who “that woman” was, even though I was certain she meant Ember. And if she knew about my crush on her, there was a chance others did, too—such as Ember herself. This was perfect. I had to find a new coffee shop and a new crush. My cheeks were burning with embarrassment, but I tried to keep my cool.
“I appreciate your effort, but I promise you, I’m good. And besides, what did you think she was a professional at? I thought she hosted a dare-type show. What makes her qualified to give dating advice? Not that I need any.” I threw that in for good measure so she didn’t think I was opening a door for her.
“I guess I hoped she could give you confidence. You’re a catch, cuz. And I hate to see you pining after someone who doesn’t even know you exist. If you got on Caz’s show, people would see you for once, and you’d stop blending into the background.” She took out her phone and snapped a picture of me.
“What are you doing?” My luck, she would use that to create a dating profile or something.
“I’m making my point clear.” She showed me her phone, and I appeared to be a head without a body as my shirt matched the wall perfectly.
“Knock it off. Gray is a trendy color.”
“It’s forgettable. And that’s all you wear. Therefore, it makes you forgettable.” She pocketed her phone, and I studied her outfit.
She was in a pink baby-T with black sweats, tan Uggs, and sunglasses on top of her head. She wasn’t my go-to for fashion, but I loved how she owned her look. She never tried to fit a mold, which I admired. Being the only girl in her family, her parents thought she would be this feminine beauty queen, but that wasn’t the case. She marched to the beat of her own drum and didn’t apologize for it.
I wished I could do that, but my self-consciousness and need to please others left me behind a wall of insecurity. I felt it was better to hide my needs and focus on other people because then I couldn’t get hurt. If I didn’t voice my thoughts, then I couldn’t get upset if someone didn’t do what I expected. If they didn’t know, then their inattention was my fault and not theirs. Sure, the math didn’t always math, but mostly, it kept me safe.
“It's fine with me if I'm not remembered. I don’t need to be the center of attention.” I gave her a pointed stare, and she shrugged.
“Who says that’s what I want? I can’t help that I catch people’s eye.” She was right, though.
People would take notice of her no matter what she was wearing. Her confidence commanded the room.
“Regardless, please back off and let me figure out my own dating life.”
“Shy, you deserve to be happy. It gets hard watching you each Saturday afternoon listen to Devon and me talk about our love lives. I want you to get to join in on the fun.”
I wanted to be angry, but she probably believed what she was feeling—I needed to be with someone to be happy. That wasn’t true. Of course, I would like to share my life with someone who gave me butterflies but also calmed me down—someone who loved me for who I was and not what I could do for them. But my fear of rejection was so much greater than my need for acceptance that I found contentment in my comfort zone, which didn’t include putting myself out there. There was safety in staying in my bubble, which was worth more than the possibilities outside of it.
“Where is this coming from? Do you think I don’t have fun with you?” Sonya and I had contrasting personalities, but ultimately, I knew she loved me and had my back.
“Do you? Because sometimes you sit with us and never even crack a smile. If I’m honest, I feel judged.”
I had to hide my shocked expression. That seemed off base, but I wouldn’t invalidate her feelings.
“I’m sorry I’ve made you feel that way, but I would never judge you. If I’m quiet, it’s just because I’m listening.” That might have been a half-truth.
If I recalled all my interactions with her, I might have formulated opinions about her decisions, but I never said them out loud. Did that make me a liar?
“It’s fine. I probably do need to be smacked upside the head from time to time. But I’d rather live the life I want than worry about what others think—it’s freeing. And I want that for you.” She was adamant that I needed to change, but change was scary, and I didn’t want to do it.
“Thanks. But can we drop this? I’m good where I’m at.” I let out a weighted breath because the more she talked, the less I believed the lies I was telling myself.
“I’ll let it go.”
“Thank—”
She cut in before I could finish my sentiment. “If… you meet with Caz. Even just once. Let’s see what she has to offer, and then you can decide how to handle things.” That wasn’t unreasonable, and it would be worth it if it got her off my back.
“Fine. But only one time, right?” There was no way I was signing up for anything else.
“Yes.” She held her hand out for me to shake, and I was glad this inquisition was over without any further reference to why I was here.
“I’m meeting Devon for lunch. You want to come?” Sonya stood, waiting for my reply.
I peeked toward the counter and realized Ember was gone. She could have been on break, or maybe she was off for the day. Either way, I hated that I missed her and wished I could have said goodbye—at least in my head.
She turned in the direction of my gaze and sighed. “Coffee chick will be here next week. Let’s go.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I slid out of my seat, trying to be nonchalant. But despite my efforts, I could feel my face betraying me with a flicker of emotion in response to her accusation.
“Right. Of course not.” She put a finger to her lips, like she was keeping a secret that everyone knew.
I pushed away the thought that Ember was likely aware of my feelings and concentrated on the possibility that Caz might help me win her heart.