Chapter 46
Chapter forty-six
Present day, Leavenworth: Tabitha
“Why did you leave? No, that’s not what I’m trying to ask.
Why,” Tabitha tugged on the end of her French braid then tucked loose strands behind her ears.
Her eyes darted everywhere but to him. She scolded herself for being so squeamish about finally asking him.
Not that the answer would make a difference.
He’d left. A very, very long time ago. But still .
. . “Why did you leave without saying goodbye? Or saying anything?”
Zac hung his head. Either he hadn’t anticipated the question or he hoped she’d never bring it up. It was clear he hadn’t planned to. But if she didn’t ask before returning home, she’d regret it.
“Please. Will you be honest and tell me why?”
Finally, he nodded and retrieved the lens cap to stow the camera back in her pack. Then he turned and faced Tabitha. “You’re going to hate me.”
“Never,” she said with a dry chuckle. Her imagination ran wild. Was it worse than him growing tired of her? Had he been arrested? Cheated? Was it a freak case of temporary amnesia? Tabitha could almost laugh if it weren’t for his ominous expression.
“It was the night before your final day of qualifiers—you know the one I’m talking about.”
I love you, tabby cat.
“I do,” she offered calmly, trying to project unfettered calm. It was also the same day she’d told her parents she wanted to go to school for journalism.
“So, you’d left to get some rest, and then your brother came to my van looking for me.”
“Angus? Why?”
Zac began flaking the free end of the rope despite the other half being stuck beneath an immovable boulder. He reached the point of impact and tossed down the wound-up rope with a grunt like he’d just remembered it was a lost cause.
“He came to tell me about the conversation you had with your folks earlier.”
“Ok? So?”
“So he told me it wasn’t the first ‘flight of fancy’ you’d had—his words not mine—since going pro in climbing.
” His words flowed freely now. Almost in a rush.
“That you’d had other grand plans before but that you always went back to climbing.
That the sport was in your blood and you kept finding ways to rebel against your calling but it never lasted long.
That I was one of those distractions and that’s all I’d ever be. ”
Her brother—her twin—said that about her?
Tabitha didn’t want to believe it. Didn’t want to think that the person she thought she knew better than herself would say something so condescending.
The person who'd taken care of her during the darkest days of her recovery.
Who'd cleaned her house, prepared her meals, sat beside her in moments of rage and anguish.
Angus had gone to her boyfriend instead of having the guts to say anything to her face. Did they decide over a few beers what was best for her? Like either of them had a say in how she lived her life.
Tabitha wouldn’t have been surprised if steam rushed from each ear. She was pissed. No one told her what she could and couldn’t have or do.
The fact that Zac made a one-sided decision supposedly for her benefit . . . Who does that?
“So you thought you knew what was best for me? You and my brother sat down and decided my future? Do I have that right?” she spat with venom.
“Tabby cat, it wasn’t like that,” he approached, but she sidestepped his attempt. “Beefy was concerned about protecting our feelings.”
“Oh, sure. Like how you protected my feelings when you left?” She’d been crushed.
Worse than that, she’d forced herself to numb the pain of him leaving.
Numb the ambition to step outside of her “calling” as her brother had put it.
She wasted another three years competing.
Wasted so much of her youth on training, dieting, maintaining an optimum weight, obsessing over being the best. To be perfect.
She had no friends, no social life. All because she’d been too heartbroken to push for anything more.
“I wasn’t protecting your feelings by leaving.” His words broke through the haze of her spiral. She turned on him.
“Then what? What was the point of leaving?” Tabitha stomped forward, crossed her arms and demanded the truth.
“I was protecting”—he swallowed, perhaps mustering courage—“I was protecting myself.”
“What?” Her hands fell to her sides and she stepped back.
“I knew what an incredible woman you were. Are.”
“Incredible climber you mean.” Because that was always what everyone saw. Only that.
“Yes! But also head to toe, inside and out, incredible.” He stepped into her space, laid a hand on either side of her jaw.
“Tabby cat, I fell in love with you and I fell hard. I was ready to move heaven and earth, leave my job to follow you wherever you went. Live my life being your person like it was my purpose, and I truly believed it was. But when your brother came to me, he made me realize something I wouldn’t have on my own until it was too late. ”
Tabitha jerked her head from his hands. “Enlighten me.”
“That you would have grown tired of me.”
“Seriously? That’s crazy—”
“Is it, though? You’ve had it together your whole life.
Daily, you show the dedication and spirit to achieve anything.
And sure, maybe I was a little high on the idea that you were picking me over all of that.
I didn’t care that you were leaving a world of sponsorships behind to follow another dream, because it had me in it.
But when your brother showed up and warned me, I knew . . .”
“Knew what, exactly?” Some of the anger had faded from Tabitha. She’d managed to get ahold of the fierce emotion and now craved real understanding.
“That you would have left me. Hurt me. And while I’m not proud of leaving that night, it’s what happened. I wasn’t trying to protect your future.” His pensive sigh expanded his broad chest, his breath released in stutters. As though he was about to break. “I was trying to protect my heart.”
Surprisingly, the lingering simmer vanished, leaving behind an empty hollow that provided no comfort, but at least she wasn’t about to boil over.
She’d sought understanding and now she had it.
After all, how many years after Zac leaving did she do the very same thing?
She rarely dated and in the times where she’d begun to feel something, she’d cut and run before it progressed beyond her control.
She’d protected her heart with the same fierceness that Zac had protected his.
And she was about to do it again when she went back home.
“Can you forgive me, tabby cat?” The torture in his voice niggled its way through the numb barrier she’d put up. It found a touchy nerve and made her heart ache. But she hushed it, buried it deep. Deep enough to offer a sad smile.
“Of course I forgive you.”
Relief swept over Zac’s features as he propelled himself toward her. She didn’t stop him from wrapping her in a crushing hug. She wanted to soak this in too.
Add it to the list of things she’d miss.