Love on the Air

10

I did not feel human at 6 pm when Tom called to wake me up. It could have been January 2045 for all I knew, and after sleeping for six straight hours it took me five or six seconds to remember who I was and what was going on. With an hour up my sleeve to get ready, I stumbled to the bathroom and thanked baby Jesus that I’d had the wherewithal to get a mid-week blow dry, and the self-respect to cleanse and moisturise my face before I fell asleep at midday. Walking into the kitchen, I sang out to see if May or Billy were home but heard no reply. It was still light and balmy outside and I stared out the kitchen windows at the afternoon sun bouncing off the swimming pool. I loaded a coffee pod into the espresso machine, pressed the button and waited for the glorious shot of caffeine that would soon shock me back to life.

It felt important for me to attend tonight, and not just because Tom had told everybody the tequila was on me. We’d all worked hard to get the show live, and the past week had been a huge slog. It was important to celebrate. I suppose part of me also wanted people to know that, although I was now hosting the breakfast show, I hadn’t changed. I was still Alex. I was still going to come out and party and end up smashing a 7-Eleven sausage roll in a gutter at 2 am just like old times.

On second thoughts, I could probably do without the gutter sausage roll.

I put my favourite ‘get ready’ playlist on my Bluetooth speaker, and the opening bars of Lizzo’s ‘Soulmate’ came blasting out at me. Every killer night out starts with a killer outfit. And I knew exactly what the outfit was going to be.

The minute I’d laid eyes on the mini dress at Harrods I knew it had to be mine. I didn’t even need to try it on to know that it was going to look incredible. It was a shade of fuchsia that looked almost edible. I wanted to pour it on vanilla ice-cream and eat it for breakfast. I teamed it with a pair of Prada creeper brogues that gave me some much-needed height but kept it comfortable in case Missy Elliott played and I needed to really move. I put some light waves through my hair with my ghd, a bit of smoke on the eyelids, and after a nice thorough brush of the teeth I was ready to go with five minutes to spare.

Tom wolf-whistled as I made my way down the front path and through the gate, illuminated by the lights of the Uber. He was dressed head to toe in black, with a fresh fade that he hadn’t had when I saw him seven hours earlier.

‘I have two questions,’ I said as I slid myself onto the leather seat next to him.

‘Hit me.’

‘Are those pants Issey Miyake? And since when do you order Uber Blacks?’

‘Yes, they are, and your credit card is still connected to my Uber account from London. I figured we’d treat ourselves.’

At that point he reached down into a plastic bag at his feet and pulled out two mini bottles of Mo?t of Chandon, which he proceeded to pop in quick succession. He placed a bright straw in each, passed one to me and held his in the air for a toast.

‘To us! The hottest bitches on breakfast radio!’

I whooped heartily as I toasted him and took a generous sip from my champagne. Tom really did have the ability to turn any moment into something worth remembering. It was a gift that I would always be grateful for.

He pulled out his phone and began texting, the screen obscured from my view, a cheeky smirk on his face.

‘Who are you text flirting with?’

He glared at me sarcastically. ‘As if.’

His coyness when it came to his love life would forever drive me mad, but it was a hill I’d given up dying on long ago.

The mini bottle had me mildly buzzed pretty quickly, and by the time the BMW pulled up outside the bar, I had a lovely warm feeling in my tummy. I made a mental note to myself to have a glass of water as soon as we got inside.

A group of girls from the marketing team arrived at the same time and, judging by the volume of their hollering, they’d started drinking a lot earlier in the afternoon and were ready to keep the party going. One of them spied Tom and me, and within seconds there were squeals, shouts and chants—the likes of which you’d expect from a hen’s party. Every single one of them told us how hot we looked, some of them even told us twice. One girl made me spin and then asked me how much my dress cost. Tom jumped in and answered on my behalf.

‘More than any of us could afford, babe, but I can swipe it from her closet any time you wanna wear it, just ask.’

The girls all responded in unison with a chorus of ‘yaaas queens’ as we walked through the doors and headed downstairs to the bar, where a sea of familiar faces milled about happily under a moody glow. I spotted Georgia across the room, holding an orange juice and chatting with a couple of girls from the sales team whose faces I knew and names I didn’t. I blew her a kiss, and she responded by raising her glass in my direction.

Ferg was huddled in a booth with the other audio producers, deep in conversation about something I no doubt wouldn’t understand. I gave him a quick squeeze on the shoulder as I walked past and waved to the group before heading to the bar and ordering a tall glass of water. The bartender looked like the kind of guy I would have spent the night lusting over in my early twenties. He wore a loose tee with a scoop neck, subtly showing off his chest tatts, and a backward cap that somehow looked hot in an un-ironic way.

Seconds later Tom appeared by my side, clocking the obvious hotness of backward-cap-bartender guy as he leaned across the bar, raising his voice above the music.

‘We’re gonna need all the tequila in all the shot glasses you’ve got please! Like, at least forty!’

The bartender looked at Tom, not quite sure if he was taking the piss or not. Tom continued, ‘Oh, and moneybags over here is paying!’

Tom held his open palm out towards me, switching his gaze between me and the silver Miu Miu clutch of dreams. I rolled my eyes, reached into my handbag and pulled my credit card out. He snatched it from my hands, blew me a kiss and handed it across the bar.

The bartender began lining up the shot glasses and I leaned across the bar and raised my voice loud enough so that he’d hear me, but quiet enough so that nobody else would.

‘Let’s cap that at five hundred bucks please!’

He pulled back and grinned. ‘Am I pouring one for you?’

‘The last time I started the night with tequila shots it ended very badly. I’ll stick to the water for now!’

‘Too easy. I’m Matt, by the way.’

‘Hi Matt! I’m Alex!’

‘I know,’ he responded with a wink. An icky wink.

I worked the room with the tray of shots as happy friends and colleagues clambered over to get around the tequila. The gaggle of marketing girls I’d entered with had already created a makeshift dance floor near the speakers and told me all over again how hot I looked when I appeared.

The shots disappeared as fast as lightning in a haze of happy cheers and clinking glasses, until there were just two left. I looked around to check if anyone had missed out, and as I did so I spotted a familiar figure walking down the stairs.

I knew those boots. I knew those jeans. And that shirt. And I sure as hell knew those eyes. Eyes that darted around the room before settling on me.

Leo Billings had entered the building.

I lost him in the crowd as quickly as I’d spotted him. I tried my best to subtly scan the room, but it was too dark and I was too short. Instead, I stood in the crowd with two shots of tequila on my tray like an awkward waitress at a wedding, desperate to offload the last hors d’oeuvre. Why did Leo make me so nervous? I stared at the tequila. A shot would certainly help me relax a little.

I spotted Leo again a moment later. I stood up a little taller and smiled self-consciously, watching as he walked towards me, carefully and politely weaving his way through the crowd that was growing rowdier by the second.

‘This is a surprise!’ I called out as he approached.

He leaned in closer so that I could hear him, and as he did his stubble brushed across my cheek. For a second I let myself breathe him in as he spoke.

‘Tom did invite me. Via email and text. I was alone in the hotel having dinner and thought I’d … pop in.’

‘Oh, right.’ I pulled back, raising my voice above the crowd. ‘I was just handing out the tequila shots.’

‘Yes, I figured. You’re like the pied piper. In fuchsia.’

His eyes darted down to my dress. I sucked in my stomach and fiddled with the hem.

‘A London purchase. Of course.’ I grinned.

His eyes fixed on mine again. ‘Of course.’

I regretted bringing up London, and immediately felt the urge to change the subject. The tray suddenly weighed ten kilos. I held it up towards him. ‘Don’t suppose you’ll take the last one off my hands?’

He looked at the tray, no doubt puzzled that there were actually two shots on the tray, and then watched as I knocked one back.

Leo Billings was most certainly not a shots guy, and I immediately felt silly for offering. But then I watched as, almost in slow motion, he picked up the tequila and threw it back, holding my gaze as he did.

Shocked, I blinked a couple of times. ‘Well, I didn’t see that coming.’

‘To be honest, neither did I. In fact, I’m not sure why I did it.’ He winced.

We both laughed nervously. It was the first time I’d stood this close to him since London. It was the first time we’d really even had a proper conversation since London. My mind raced back to dinner at Marco’s. How we’d been so relaxed, so free. It felt like a distant memory. Like maybe it had never happened at all.

The music got louder all of a sudden, and cheers rang out from the corner where the marketing girls had recruited a larger posse to their dance floor. Tom’s head popped up among the gaggle of people. He looked at Leo, then at me, holding up a glass and toasting the air in our direction. I wondered how many of the tequila shots I’d passed around had ended up in his stomach. Bodies around us moved faster as the energy in the room intensified. But Leo and I stood still. Not speaking. My heart was pounding and I was sure that if the music hadn’t been so loud he would have heard it thump thump thump all the way through my chest.

A group of people nearby all stood up and headed towards the dance floor, leaving a table in the corner free. I looked at the table and then back at Leo, who had the same idea. Moments later we were huddled in a corner with a perfect view of the unfolding madness around us, and I was painfully and blissfully aware of the fact that my knee was touching Leo’s.

With his eyes still on the crowd in front of us, Leo spoke first. ‘You did an amazing job this week. You should be proud.’

I replied without making eye contact. ‘Thank you. Honestly, it still doesn’t feel real. None of this does.’ I hesitated. ‘So does the tequila shot have anything to do with the tense conversation you were having earlier today with the big dog?’

I heard Leo inhale sharply. ‘No, but the whisky doubles I had before I came did.’

I gave him a worried look.

‘I’m kidding. Nothing you need to worry about.’

It occurred to me that Leo might actually be a little buzzed, which would certainly explain his decision to come. ‘You know that day I met with Mark, it was clear he absolutely does not take me very seriously.’

‘Yeah, look. He’s old school. Amazing with numbers and structures; not so good with the human stuff.’

‘So that’s where you come in?’ I asked.

‘Precisely.’

‘Speaking of men who don’t take me seriously …’ I groaned, my smile flattening.

Leo looked up to follow my gaze. Never one to miss a party, Darren Chase had appeared. His eyes scanned the room before settling on me and Leo. I looked back to Leo, pretending not to have clocked Darren at all.

‘Is he still looking?’ I asked.

‘He sure is,’ Leo replied, raising a friendly hand in Darren’s direction. ‘Although I’d say it’s more of a death stare than a look.’

And then a sound rang out from the speakers that meant only one thing. It took a couple of seconds for Tom to find me, and from that moment on all attempts to fight the urge to dance were futile. Because when Missy Elliott plays, it doesn’t matter where you are, or what you’re doing, or who you’re doing it with. You stop. And you dance. And you don’t give a fuck about anything else.

I shot up, spun around and bent down so that my mouth gently brushed against Leo’s ear. ‘I apologise in advance for what you’re about to see,’ I said in a low voice, handing him my clutch as Tom held two arms out. In one hand was a tequila shot, which he passed to Leo; the other hand extended to grab mine and drag me away. I looked behind me where Leo, very bemused, was left alone in the corner, with no other option than to sink the shot.

I’m not sure how I ended up on the bar, but there we were one chorus later, doing the old ‘dance like no one’s watching’ motivational quote justice. I was ecstatic. The whole room was electric. I opened an eye to look around me at the sea of wonderful, familiar faces all dancing and cheering below us and I felt like my heart might actually burst open as I danced and writhed and mouthed along with Missy as she ever so delicately dropped verses about her pussy. The song ended and a huge, raucous cheer broke out across the room. I spotted Darren in the crowd, arms folded across his chest, his eyebrows raised in a look so judgemental one could have assumed I’d just slaughtered a baby goat right there on the bar. I smiled at him sarcastically and took an exaggerated bow. As I did so, I saw that Matt the bartender had positioned himself to help me off the bar. I grabbed his left hand, hopped down carefully, and as I landed, his right hand firmly and very intentionally reached under my dress and grabbed my arse. It all happened so quickly that I did a double take, then firmly but subtly swatted his hand away, avoiding eye contact completely and darting away from him. The backward cap should have been a dead giveaway that he was a creep.

I made my way quickly through the crowd, my stomach churning as I climbed the dark stairs, forcing a big fake smile and nodding at people as they passed. Seconds later I pushed open the heavy door and the cool evening air hit my face. I was relieved to be able to breathe again. I found a nook in the wall of the alleyway a couple of paces away from the entrance, hiding myself away against the cold bricks. Eyes closed, I took some deep centring breaths until my heart slowed down. I heard the door open, followed by quick, heavy footsteps. I prayed that Matt hadn’t followed me out to grovel.

‘Alex? Are you out here?’ Leo’s calm, deep voice rang out into the alleyway.

I took another deep breath and stepped forwards into the light. ‘I’m here. Just getting some air.’

Leo strode towards me, my silver clutch under his arm. He looked angry. ‘Are you okay?’

His face told me that he’d seen everything.

I swallowed. ‘I’m fine. I promise. I mean, it’s bullshit, but I’m fine.’ I replied with as much nonchalance as I could muster.

Leo was now pacing. ‘Yeah, bullshit is right.’ He stopped in front of me and seemed stuck as to what to do next. His hand moved towards me, and then he pulled it back. ‘Are you sure you’re okay?’

I grabbed his hand reassuringly. ‘I promise.’

He stared down at our hands as I let go. I was taken aback by how worked up he’d become. ‘Do you want to leave?’ he asked.

I paused, weighing up my options. I absolutely wanted to leave, but I didn’t want to be alone. I looked around the empty alleyway and then back at Leo, who had calmed down and was standing next to me protectively. ‘I think so, yeah.’

‘Wanna take a walk? Or do you want me to call you an Uber?’

‘A walk sounds perfect. But my credit card is behind the bar.’

‘Well, that I can handle.’ He handed me my clutch. ‘Wait here, I’ll be two minutes.’

Leo disappeared back inside. I looked down at the silver clutch, thankful that Leo had grabbed it on his way out.

A couple of minutes later, the heavy door opened again, and Leo appeared, holding my credit card and looking smug. ‘Backward-cap guy has gladly, and without any threats or coercion from me, comped the tequila shots.’

I smiled as I popped the card safely back inside my purse. ‘Thank you for taking care of that.’

‘Taking care of it would have meant punching him in the face, but I figured you’d prefer the $500.’

‘I would. I mean, you know how much financial responsibility means to me.’

Leo laughed heartily. ‘Yeah, I mean $500 is what, half a shoe?’

‘Hmm, closer to three-quarters,’ I teased. ‘Oh, and you’ll be pleased to know that I actually paid off my credit card today. In one go. It was terrifying. And amazing.’

Leo stopped in his tracks, turned to look at me with wide eyes, before slowly reaching his right hand up for a high five. It would have been patronising from anyone else, but he seemed genuinely happy for me.

‘I know. It’s the new me.’ I reached my palm up to meet his. ‘Speaking of expensive stuff—’ I started walking again ‘—the watch. You said it was a gift. I’ve gotta know—who spends fifteen grand on a gift, and how do I become friends with them?’

‘It’s a pretty cool story, actually.’ Leo pulled his sleeve up and beamed at his wrist. ‘I saw it in a shop window a couple of years after Laney and I got together. We had no money back then, so we could never have afforded it, and years later when we could afford it, well, you know me—a Swatch suited me just fine. But she remembered I’d always loved it.’

We walked another couple of paces in silence, then Leo began to speak again.

‘It was my birthday a couple of weeks before she passed. We both knew it was going to be the last one together. She organised someone to go pick it up, and she gave it to me in the hospital knowing that I would never actually buy it for myself. She also knew that I couldn’t be angry with her, not even if I tried. So it was all kind of perfect.’

‘Oh man. I gotta get me a Laney.’

Leo grinned. I grinned back.

We walked in comfortable silence for the next five or so minutes, the busy city hustling and bustling around us. I couldn’t help but revel in the feeling of safety that came with walking beside Leo. Not just because he’d helped at the bar, but more in that general sense I’d felt before—that if he was around, nothing bad would happen to me. Like he would take care of things.

Before long, we were on George Street, where the bright lights of his hotel greeted us.

‘Don’t suppose you feel like a martini?’ he asked.

‘Consider my arm twisted,’ I replied, trying to swallow my grin.

It didn’t take Malik long to spot us in the corner, and as he walked towards me I gave him a pleading look as if to say ‘please be cool’. He understood straight away, approaching our table with a calm, friendly smile.

‘My old favourite and my new favourite. Happy Friday!’ he said to us both, before focusing his attention on me. ‘I saw the dress before I saw you. My God, babe, you look un-fucking-believable. Love to see it!’

‘Harrods. After half a bottle of Veuve.’

‘No regrets! Now. Your usuals?’

‘Yes, thanks, Malik,’ Leo replied warmly. We watched as he sauntered back towards the bar.

‘So, be honest. How do you think the show sounded this week? Do you think it’s going to work?’

‘Do you want my honest answer?’ he asked.

My stomach tightened. ‘Of course.’

He leaned back in his seat. ‘I knew the show was going to work fifteen seconds into that Tilly Roy interview in London. Watching you … do your thing. It was like watching Goldie all those years ago.’

I exhaled, trying with all my might to conceal a smile. ‘Oh wow. Not the answer I expected.’

‘Why is that?’ He cocked his head to the side, intrigued.

I didn’t know how to respond. ‘Well … since London … you’ve …’ I didn’t finish the sentence. I just let myself trail off and bit my lip, hoping he understood what I was alluding to.

He took a deep breath, pulling both hands under the table and onto his lap. ‘Right. Since London …’

‘I mean, it’s fine. I just thought you’d been angry with me or … I just feel like things have been weird.’

My heart was racing. He pulled his hands out again and placed them on the table between us. ‘I suppose I owe you an apology, don’t I?’

I immediately stiffened up. ‘No, oh God no. It’s fine—’

‘No, Alex,’ he cut me off. ‘It’s not fine at all. I was rude to you on that last morning in London. And I’ve been rude to you ever since.’

I didn’t know what to say. I tried to keep my face as soft and calm as I could.

‘You weren’t rude, Leo. You just left me … feeling a bit silly.’

He winced. ‘I’m sorry. I really am. You did nothing wrong, and it shouldn’t have taken me a couple of shots to be man enough to tell you that.’

In my peripheral vision I could see Malik watching us from the bar, holding our drinks hesitantly. I beckoned him over. He silently placed what looked like whisky in front of Leo before passing my martini over and slipping away without a word.

I took a big sip straight away. Leo knocked his drink back in one go.

‘I want to explain,’ he said softly, without looking up.

I took another sip, settling my gaze on his glass.

‘Alex. When I first met you, I was pissed off and confused and thought I’d made a huge mistake moving home. I was a real mess. And then, once I started coming to terms with the reality of what was happening, I suppose I let myself see you for what you are.’

My throat was dry but my eyes were irresistibly drawn back to his. ‘And what am I?’

He didn’t look up, his eyes still fixed firmly on the whisky glass. ‘This explosion of colour and light and … life. It’s like you’re just totally in. Totally immersed in it all. I used to be like that.’ He paused.

‘I get it,’ I whispered gently.

‘That night, back at the hotel in London—’

I felt my face flush. ‘You don’t have to, Leo.’

‘No, I want to. I need to.’ He looked up at me, and then back at the whisky glass. ‘When you looked at me the way you did, I felt …’ He took a deep breath. ‘Well, I can’t even really describe what I felt. But I felt something. And it really fucking scared me.’

His eyes slowly rose to meet mine, and it was as though the air was being sucked out of my lungs.

‘I felt it too.’ It took all of my strength to hold his gaze as I uttered the words.

Leo exhaled, a relieved half-smile peeking through his solemn face. He placed one hand ever so gently over mine, where it rested on the table as we sat staring at each other. I watched his eyes flicker over to Malik at the bar and felt his hand subtly pull away as he did so. ‘Could we have this chat somewhere a little more private?’

My heart was in my throat. ‘Of course,’ I whispered, as I gathered my purse, ready to take his lead.

Without another word, Leo stood up and made his way out of the bar.

I waited a moment, gathering myself. My hands were trembling. I looked up to where Malik was staring at me from behind the bar as he dried glasses. Wide-eyed. He raised his eyebrows, questioning. I slowly shrugged.

Leo was waiting for me at the lift, silent. I stood beside him as he reached out and pressed the button. I watched as the numbers on the lift counted down.

The doors opened. He stepped in first, his eyes ushering me to follow. The doors closed after us. His arm stretched out behind me to swipe his card and press number fourteen, and as he pulled it back I felt his hand brush ever so slightly across the small of my back, touching my bare skin softly with his fingertips.

The doors finally opened and we stepped out. The corridor was dark. He kept his fingertips on the small of my back as we walked, until he came to a halt outside his room. We faced each other at the door, his eyes seeing through me once more.

He reached out to swipe his card with his left hand, pushed the door open and watched me walk inside before following me through and letting the door close quietly behind us.

The room was immaculate, the king-size bed perfectly made up, two Moleskine journals stacked neatly on the bedside table alongside a phone charger and a pen. It smelled like him. I looked past the bedroom to a small sitting room by the window, a single lamp on the table exuding a beautiful warm glow. The two of us stood in the entry, the room dark apart from the soft light of the lamp. I stared back at him, our faces centimetres apart.

His voice was soft. Earnest. ‘I’m sorry I upset you, Alex. I hope you believe me when I say that’s the last thing I wanted to do. Losing Laney, it just … I never expected …’

The room felt cold all of a sudden, or maybe I was just nervous. I hugged my arms around myself and waited for him to go on. When he didn’t, I murmured, ‘It’s okay, Leo. It’s complicated.’ I shrugged. ‘Life is complicated.’

His eyes were wet. I reached out and tenderly wiped a tear from his cheek with my thumb. He closed his eyes, and I gently pulled him closer towards me, wrapping my arms around his waist, my head on his chest. A moment later, his arms slid across my back. We stood for a moment in silence, suspended in time as I breathed him in, his strong body softening in my embrace. I wanted so much to say something to make everything better. Easier. But the words didn’t come.

A loud noise startled us both. A phone. He gently pulled away from me, reaching into his back pocket with one hand, and wiping his eyes with the other.

‘Right. Shit. I have to take this.’ He stared at the phone, the name ‘Jack’ flashing up on the screen. ‘If it was anyone else in the world I’d silence it, but I’m sorry … Stay here. I’ll explain after.’

Before I had a chance to respond, Leo disappeared into the bathroom, closing the door behind him. I backed up to the edge of the bed and slowly lowered myself, a million conversations running loudly through my mind. I tried to make sense of what was happening, relieved that whatever I’d felt that night in London hadn’t been in my imagination, but also terrified that I was stepping into something fraught with danger. The undeniable truth was that Leo did something to my insides that felt exhilarating and terrifying in equal parts. Terrifying because he was still technically my boss. My widowed boss. And I’d pretty much sworn off any sort of romance for the foreseeable future, let alone one that involved him.

Through a crack in the wardrobe doors, I could see a fluffy white hotel robe. I removed it carefully from the rack, and slipped it on, the softness against my bare legs and back warming me up as I sat back down on the bed.

I stared at the nondescript wall in front of me, wondering what would have happened if we hadn’t been interrupted. How long would we have stood there, holding each other? Were we about to kiss? Were we about to get naked? I supposed I’d never know. Maybe I didn’t want to know.

The bathroom door opened and Leo slowly emerged, phone in one hand, the other rubbing his eyes. He sat down a couple of centimetres away on the edge of the bed. ‘Well, that couldn’t have happened at a worse time. Sorry.’

‘It’s fine.’ I smiled. ‘Who’s Jack?’

‘Jack is my nephew.’ He sighed. ‘In London. He’s eight. His mum is Laney’s sister.’

Things were making a little more sense now. ‘Gotcha,’ I replied, pulling the robe tighter around me.

‘His dad has never been on the scene, and we’ve always been close. Laney and I were at his birth. Me leaving London was hard on him; really, really hard. I promised that if he ever called me, no matter where I was or what I was doing, I would answer. Obviously when I made that promise I never expected to be … here—’ he smiled a little awkwardly ‘—with you.’

‘But a promise is a promise. I understand.’ I paused. Leo didn’t seem to know where to look. I gently touched his chin, slowly swivelling his face so that it was facing mine. ‘It’s fine, Leo. I don’t feel awkward. It’s all good. We’re all good.’

‘Thank you for saying that. Tonight took me by surprise. All of it.’

‘You’re telling me!’ I grinned. ‘I thought you were off me forever!’

He raised his eyebrows, a serious look on his face. ‘No, Alex. Of course I wasn’t. I was just … confused.’

‘I understand that now, I promise,’ I replied sincerely.

‘Do you think things happen for a reason?’ Leo asked.

The question was jarring. I pulled back a little, instantly wondering whether he was already regretting what had almost just maybe-but-maybe-not happened. ‘You mean, did the universe just interrupt us to save us from doing something stupid?’ I asked coolly, hoping he would enthusiastically reply that I’d misunderstood the question entirely and that he’d like very much to pick up where we left off, such was my delightful magnetism and charm.

Instead, Leo seemed lost in his own thoughts.

I stared at the ceiling for a moment, wondering whether the atmosphere had got tense or whether I was just being paranoid. ‘We don’t have to say any more if you don’t want to,’ I said. ‘We can just leave it for now. I think that’s okay, right?’

He stood up slowly and pulled a second robe from the cupboard, then let out a long breath as he shrugged into it and sat back down. ‘That works for me.’ He looked at me with eyes that said ‘sorry’ and ‘thank you’ all at once.

I relaxed a little. ‘So. What are the chances that this joint has club sandwiches on the menu?’

Leo smiled as he reached over me to the hotel phone beside the bed and dialled to order. ‘Consider it done.’

As I watched him on the phone, his question replayed over and over in my mind. Did Leo really think I was so dangerous that the universe would spend its energy stopping us from making out? I mean, surely there were more important things for the universe to spend its time working out. Like world peace. Or even just a Gilmore Girls feature film that was worth watching and lived up to the pure, bingeable perfection that was the television series.

Eventually he hung up and I was able to snap myself out of my existential spiral long enough to change the subject. ‘Are you ever going to move out of this place?’ I asked.

He laughed. ‘Why would I, when I can have club sandwiches delivered to my bed ?’

I was sure he didn’t mean to make the words ‘to my bed’ sound as suggestive as he had, especially since he was so convinced being in it with me was a bad idea. ‘I’m sure most Uber Eats drivers would do that too for an extra tip,’ I quipped.

‘Well, to answer your question, yes. Eventually. I wanted to settle in at work before finding somewhere permanent.’

‘And have you? Settled in?’ I asked.

He took a thoughtful moment before replying. ‘Getting there,’ he said with a slow smile.

He had a beautiful smile. The kind that catches you by surprise and forces you to smile along with it. ‘Jack is lucky to have you. I know what it’s like to have a father who doesn’t want to be your father. It’s cost me a lot of money in therapy. So really, if nothing else, you’re saving him cash,’ I mused.

‘Daddy issues, eh?’ he asked, shifting his body around to face me. ‘On a scale of one to ten, how bad are we talking?’

‘Oh, ten. He left when I was five and never came back.’

‘Phone call on your birthday? Christmas?’

‘Nope. Nothing.’

‘And do you ever think about tracking him down?’

I screwed up my face. ‘Absolutely not. If he wanted to contact me, he could. And he hasn’t in twenty-five years, so … his loss.’

Leo shook his head. ‘I’ll never understand it. Never. Jack’s dad didn’t even show up to his birth. Didn’t call to ask if it was a boy or a girl. Didn’t call to see if Tessa was okay. Just completely checked out.’

‘It sounds like he would have been a pretty shitty dad if he had stuck around. So maybe it’s a good thing Jack got you instead.’

‘Does it still hurt? That he left?’

‘Sometimes. Kinda reinforced the idea that something was wrong with me. That men only existed in my life to leave me. I think that made my last break-up a little tougher. But I think I’ve done pretty well for myself, considering.’

‘I’d agree with that.’ He grinned at me, and a tiny surge of adrenaline coursed through me. My God, he was handsome, with his dark hair and his stubble and his honey-coloured eyes glistening. I couldn’t help but stare back at him, and before I knew it, I was once again wondering what would have happened if we hadn’t been interrupted. Wondering how his body would have felt under me. Strong and tender.

I shook my head, refocusing my attention.

‘Anyway. Back to you. How’s Jack’s mum going now?’

‘Good and bad. She and Laney were incredibly close. She took her sister’s death pretty hard, and there have been some pretty dark moments. I worry about her and Jack a lot. Worry that I’ve done the wrong thing by coming out here. Worry she won’t cope. Worry that Jack will feel alone. I’m still figuring it all out, but I’m doing my best to be as present in his life as possible. Even from over here.’

‘Can I see a photo of Laney? Is that a weird thing to ask?’

Leo reached over to his phone. ‘Of course you can.’ After twenty seconds or so of tapping and scrolling, he showed me the screen. There she was. Strawberry blonde hair and huge blue eyes. She was holding an enormous bunch of flowers and laughing.

‘This was her twenty-ninth birthday. We had a glorious year of good health in between her two bouts of cancer. She loved peonies.’

‘She’s beautiful,’ I said. And I meant it. She was stunning. The kind of stunning that you can’t create. You just are. ‘Tell me about the first time you saw her.’

I lay back on the bed, staring at the ceiling as Leo regaled me with stories of falling in love with Laney. What should have felt morbid instead felt entirely sacred. Almost magical. Listening to this wonderful man retell the story of his great love affair. He let me ask all the questions, and he answered each with love, care, tears and laughter. Leo wasn’t scared of my questions, and I wasn’t scared of his tears.

I wondered if she was watching over us. And if she was, what she thought of me, lying there after what had just happened, asking about her.

The doorbell rang and soon enough we were sitting on the bed in our robes eating club sandwiches and fries. I dipped mine in ketchup, he dipped his in aioli. I was perfectly content.

We kept talking well into the night. I remembered the evening in London, and how I’d so desperately wanted this moment with him. To see him. To be seen by him. I wanted to tell him everything.

I texted May at about midnight to let her know I wouldn’t be home that night, and without really even discussing it we switched off the lights and fell asleep next to each other, still in our robes. At one point in the night I woke to the weight of his hand resting on my shoulder. I rolled over to face him and it fell gently onto the pillow next to my head. The city lights peeking through the window illuminated the wedding band on his finger. I watched as it shone in the dark, centimetres from my face. I was grateful that nothing had happened that night. Grateful that, instead, I was finally getting the chance to really know him. Tears welled up in my eyes. Leo Billings was more than an office fling, and more than a one-night stand. Leo Billings might just be the best man I’d ever know.