Love on the Air

15

May and Billy were away for the weekend on a winery trip in the Barossa Valley with Mum and some of their friends, which gave me the perfect opportunity for some much-needed thinking time. The invitation had been extended to me, and, while the thought of getting sloshed on white wine with a bunch of seventy-year-olds was surprisingly tempting, I needed to figure out what to do about the Mark Holdsworth/Darren Chase/Kai Scott triangle of stress. There was only so long I could avoid the record label before Mark would be on my back again with more threats, and I knew this would only give Darren more ammunition to weasel his way in.

By Sunday afternoon, I still didn’t have much of a plan. I was in the backyard hammock with my eyes closed and Leon Bridges in my ears, the volume down low enough for me to hear the back door open and slam shut. I quickly shot upright, took off my sunglasses and squinted across the yard, trying to make out the figure standing on the deck. At first I thought I was imagining things. Maybe I’d been in the sun too long. Maybe all the SPF had leaked through to my brain. Or maybe it was real—maybe a bleary-eyed Leo Billings was standing in my backyard wearing boots, Levi’s, a navy-blue tee and a half-smile.

I yanked out my AirPods, rolled from the hammock and walked towards him in a daze of shock and relief.

‘The front door was unlocked. I tried ringing the doorbell,’ he called out.

‘Is it really you? Or is this some sort of mirage?’ I exclaimed as I got closer.

‘It’s really me,’ he said quietly as I hugged him. ‘Hello again.’

I pulled back, taking him in. ‘Honestly, I think I’d convinced myself I’d never see you again!’

I laughed, still shocked that he was physically in front of me again. His stubble had become more of a beard and, despite his obvious exhaustion, he looked as gorgeous as I remembered him. My mind was racing. Why was he here? And why hadn’t he told me he was coming? I could barely wipe the excitement off my face. ‘The beard suits you.’ I chuckled and then noticed a hesitancy in his eyes that made me uneasy. ‘Is something wrong?’

He led me to the outdoor lounge and sat down, gently encouraging me to do the same. My heart dropped. Leo had come home for a reason, and it wasn’t for the happy reunion I had stupidly imagined.

‘Leo, I’m scared. What’s happened? Is everything in London okay? Are Jack and Tessa okay?’

‘They’re fine, Alex. They’re doing great.’ He closed his eyes for a moment. When he opened them again, he stared straight into mine and squeezed my hand. ‘It’s Goldie. She died.’

There was, of course, a reason Goldie Miller left when she did. And it was all part of her resolute decision to not let disease get the better of her. She would go on her own terms, while her mind was still her own. But first she would secure her successor and then gallivant through Europe with her lover one last time.

She took her final breath at a clinic in Switzerland with Joanie by her side as ‘Bridge Over Troubled Water’ serenaded her to sleep, just as she’d always planned. Everything had been part of her plan.

That afternoon, Leo and I sat for hours on the back porch, watching the sun slowly disappear into the horizon. There was nothing to say. So we simply sat, our silence sometimes punctuated by tears. I’d never known a world without Goldie Miller in it, and I had no desire to. She was the guiding light, the one who showed us all what was possible. Unbreakable. Unstoppable.

I couldn’t let her down now.

‘Have you got somewhere to stay tonight?’ I asked Leo, finally breaking the contemplative silence.

He shook his head. ‘No, actually. I came straight from the airport. I’ll head to the hotel though. I’m practically family there.’

‘Don’t be silly,’ I scoffed. ‘May and Billy are away. There are five bedrooms in this house and the one next to mine is always made up for guests. Plus, you must be absolutely exhausted. Come on.’ I stood up, beckoning him to follow, and he did so, grabbing his suitcase on the way back down the hallway. ‘I’ll get you a towel so you can have a nice hot shower.’

Leo rubbed his swollen eyes. ‘Thanks, Alex. I’m sorry.’

I stopped and swung back to face him. ‘For what?’ I asked, confused.

‘I’m sorry I haven’t been here. And I’m sorry that I’ve come back with such shitty news. It’s not exactly how I imagined our reunion would be.’

I wondered what he meant by ‘our reunion’, and what he’d imagined might have happened instead. Or if he was just so tired that the words weren’t coming out properly. ‘You don’t have anything to apologise for, Leo. It means a lot that you came all this way to tell me.’

‘So far only a handful of us know. Joanie is going to release a statement tomorrow morning.’

‘Okay. Well, we can figure out a plan tomorrow. But first you need to get some sleep.’

It felt nice to take care of Leo. To be the one handling the situation for once. I stood at his door, towel in hand as he took off his boots, neatly placing them against the wall. ‘I’ll shower upstairs. Your bathroom is the last door on the left as you walk down the hall. All my toiletries are in the top drawer—help yourself.’

‘Thanks,’ Leo said as he sat, exhausted, on the edge of the bed.

‘Let me just grab my toothbrush and then the bathroom’s all yours,’ I replied as I left.

My head spun as I hopped in the shower upstairs. Leo was back. Goldie was gone. Everything had changed. I leaned my head against the tiles and let the hot water run down my hair and onto my back. By the time I got out, my skin was warm and pink. I wrapped myself in a towel, tied up my wet hair, brushed my teeth and switched off the bathroom light. I heard footsteps in the hallway as I made my way downstairs and I froze, hoping to let Leo pass without seeing me. A moment later he appeared, catching me in his peripheral vision. He looked up, one hand holding the towel around his waist.

‘Sorry,’ I murmured quietly in the dark, trying desperately not to stare at his broad, wet chest.

He gazed back at me, silent. I wondered if he knew how good he looked half-naked.

‘Did you find everything you need?’ I asked.

Leo nodded, his eyes boring deep into mine, a drop of water falling from the tip of his nose. He wiped his free hand across his face and combed his hair back behind his ear. ‘I did. Thank you,’ he replied softly.

My heart was racing. Every part of me wanted to run down the stairs and throw myself into his arms, to have him carry me into the bedroom and finish what we’d started all those months ago. To give myself completely to him, in the desperate hope that maybe there was space enough in his heart for me too.

But he hadn’t come back for me. He’d come back for Goldie, and I didn’t even know if he planned to stay. In fact, when it came to Leo’s feelings, everything was a mystery. All I knew for sure was that my heart wouldn’t recover from any more rejection. I imagined his face responding to the news that I might be in love with him—the confusion, the awkwardness, the pity. Ew. No, thank you.

I carefully took a step down the staircase, tightening the towel around me. The silence was torturous.

‘I’m glad you’re home, Leo,’ I said finally as I broke my gaze from his and slowly made my way down the hallway towards my room, part of me silently begging him to stop me.

‘Me too, Alex. Goodnight,’ I heard him reply.

I closed the door and lay on top of my bed in my towel. Outside, I heard his footsteps approach, and then stop. I sat up, straining my ears towards the hallway, frozen, knowing he was standing just outside my door. I stared at the door handle, willing it to turn. Willing this to not be the last time I’d see him tonight. And then, the sound of two more footsteps followed by his door gently closing.

‘It’ll pass,’ I whispered to myself. ‘It’ll pass.’

My heart was in my chest the next morning as Leo and I made our way to my car in the dark. I dialled Tom’s number before we got in. He answered straight away.

‘Please tell me you’re not calling in sick, I’m too hungover to cover for you today,’ he groaned.

‘No, don’t worry, I’m on my way in. I just wanted to let you know that Leo is back and I’m grabbing him on the way.’

‘What?’

‘I know. I just need you to let the team know and not make a big deal of it when we walk in, okay?’

‘Babe, you sound worried. Is everything all right?’

‘Yes and no. I’ll see you soon. Love you.’ I hung up before he could reply. I didn’t want to tell him about Goldie over the phone, and I would see him in a couple of minutes. It could wait.

‘Oh, there’s one more thing I forgot to tell you,’ I said, my eyes on the road. ‘I banned Kai Scott from the show for some problematic behaviour towards Georgia. Mark found out and hit the roof. Says I compromised our relationship with the record label or some shit.’

Leo quietly groaned. ‘Yeah, him and the label CEO are mates. They go way back. Like, high-school days. I believe their families do an annual yacht trip to Turkey.’

‘Of course they fucking do.’ I rolled my eyes as I pulled into the carpark. ‘That explains why he was so angry. Anyway, tomorrow’s problem.’

Silence hung in the air as we gathered the team in Leo’s office. Judging by the look of unease on everyone’s faces, they could tell the news wasn’t going to be good.

Leo switched into caring boss mode in an instant, announcing the news without beating around the bush. He was calm and direct. Goldie was gone. And now it was up to us to do her proud.

‘When will it be announced?’ Georgia asked, misty-eyed.

‘Joanie will release a statement to the media at 9 am this morning; until then we’ll have to carry on as usual. I know it’ll be weird, but it’s imperative that it stays under wraps until then, out of respect for Goldie’s family. We’ll announce it during our final break.’ Leo replied calmly.

‘Right. Got it.’ Then she looked back up at him. ‘Are you okay? I know you were close. I’m … I’m sorry for your loss.’

Leo swallowed. ‘Thanks, Georgia. We were close. I was lucky in that respect.’

Georgia stood up and without another word wrapped her arms around Leo. Tom stood up and did the same. Before long, the whole team was wrapped up in one giant bear hug, with Leo at the centre.

I loved us. I loved us all so damn much. And it was all thanks to Goldie. She had brought us all together.

Leo was right, it was strange trying to get through three hours of breakfast radio with a knot in my stomach and a lump in my throat, constantly staring at the clock both wishing it was 9 am and yet also dreading it entirely.

At 9:03 am, Leo gave me the nod. The statement had been released. It was time to break the news. I watched as the team walked into the studio: Leo sitting on the chair next to me, Georgia leaning against the glass, Ferg’s big brotherly arm around her as she nestled into his shoulder. I listened to the last ad play, making eye contact with everyone. I cleared my throat and gave my body a quick shake, my gaze finally resting across the desk on Tom, who counted me in and then gave me the signal. In front of me was a piece of paper with some words scribbled down. I picked it up with my left hand, which was trembling.

‘Good morning, Sydney. It’s 9:03 am and we have some news to share with you all. It’s news I don’t want to share because … it’s news I wish wasn’t true.’

I took a deep breath and looked down at the paper.

‘A statement was released to the media just minutes ago announcing that Goldie Miller, my eternal hero, has left us forever—no doubt riding on a wave of gold and glitter to whatever world awaited her. As with everything in her life, Goldie faced death on her own terms. None of us even knew she was sick. For decades, she so generously shared her life with all of us, and I’m so glad that in the end she and Joanie were able to enjoy their own private world, one they’d built over a lifetime of loving each other. I’m not sure many of us will ever get to experience a love like theirs.’

The words were coming out slowly, punctuated with deep breaths and a voice that sometimes shook, but I was getting through it, looking to Tom for a reassuring nod as I continued.

‘Goldie was completely fearless. She walked her own path, clearing the way for so many of us to follow. If I’m completely honest, I’m only just starting to understand how hard this road is to navigate, and I wish I had an ounce of her strength to help me.

‘There will be plenty of time for us all to celebrate her incredible achievements. But for now, we just want to say that we will miss you, Goldie—’ my voice cracked, hot tears escaping down my cheeks ‘—we will love you forever. And we will always, always try to make you proud.’

I stood back from the microphone as Tom pressed play on the track. The piano intro began. ‘Bridge Over Troubled Water’ filled the studio. Leo closed his eyes, wiping away a tear. Over his shoulder, through the glass I could see Darren Chase staring right at me. He was smiling. He looked … triumphant. I excused myself from the studio and marched straight over to him, hot angry adrenaline coursing through every part of my body.

‘Such tragic news,’ Darren cooed in a way that was so overacted he could have been delivering a line on The Bold and the Beautiful .

‘You’re pathetic, Darren. Absolutely pathetic,’ I spat.

‘Oh spare me, Alex.’ He rolled his eyes. ‘You’re just sad that your gravy train has come to an end.’

‘My … gravy train?’

‘Yes. Goldie is the only reason you got this job in the first place.’ His voice was growing louder. ‘The job everybody knows should have been mine. Too bad I’m not a girl . Let me guess, the two of you planned it over a mani-pedi? A champagne brunch?’

‘Well,’ I replied, almost in a whisper, ‘I’m glad you finally had the guts to admit out loud that you’re jealous.’

‘I’m not jealous, Alex,’ he scoffed. ‘I’m fucking furious.’

‘Furious enough to sabotage my studio? Furious enough to hire a photographer to follow me? And take private images of me? So you could pass them on to Mark in some sort of fucked up attempt to make me look bad?’

‘You made yourself look bad, Alex. And Mark doesn’t want you here either. He was delighted when I showed him the photos. Our plan was always to oust you—we just didn’t think you’d make it so easy.’

Another kick in the gut. I never even stood a chance.

He said nothing now. He simply stared at me, his eyes full of fury. His face growing redder by the second. I relaxed my shoulders, took a deep breath in and out, and asked myself what Goldie would do. Goldie wouldn’t yell or scream. She would simply speak the truth. Loud, clear and calm.

‘Goldie was ten times the broadcaster you’ll ever be, Darren. And yeah, she wanted me to have this job. Don’t you ever wonder why? Because she knew that this business is full of men like you who will do everything they can to keep women like me in an airless box. You benefit from a boys’ club that keeps you in power, somehow thinking that power is your God-given right. And the second the shoe is on the other foot, you lose your tiny mind over it and cry foul. Sure, Goldie gave me a leg-up, but she did it because she sure as hell knew nobody else was going to. She knew I’d have to prove myself to mediocre men a hundred times over in order to be taken seriously. Do you have any idea how exhausting that is? I know you don’t think I deserve this job. But Goldie did. And her opinion means a whole lot more than yours. Because everybody loved her. Everybody respected her. Everybody knew she was the best to ever do it. And what do people think about you, Darren? They all think you’re a sad, jealous little pest.’

‘Yeah well. At least I’m not fucking my boss,’ Darren spat back, every word laced with venom.

I gasped. He’d really said it. Out loud.

‘Let me get one thing clear, Darren,’ I said, pointing at him. ‘Not that it’s any of your business. I never, ever—’

Before I could finish my sentence, he was on the floor. I whipped my head around to see Leo standing beside me, his fist still clenched. Darren groaned.

‘Leo, what the fuck did you just do?’ I stuttered.

He shrugged. ‘He deserved it.’

The room erupted in loud cheers. I’d been so wrapped up in the confrontation that I’d failed to notice the crowd of people gathering to see the action, and now every single person was clapping—some even had their phones out. I grabbed Leo’s hand and led him back towards the safety of the studio.

‘I’m pretty sure I’m gonna get fired for that,’ he said under his breath as we walked.

I stifled a laugh. ‘Was it worth it?’

‘Abso-fucking-lutely,’ he replied, squeezing my hand.

Vanessa Blake, 8:00 pm: I can’t believe Leo punched him. What a legend. Also … if he gets fired he technically won’t be your boss right? And the two of you can admit you love each other and have babies?

Alex York, 8:02 pm: He doesn’t love me. If he loved me … he would have told me by now. Or at least … given me some sort of an indication. Which he hasn’t.

Vanessa Blake, 8:03 pm: Why can’t you just … put it out there? Ask him?

Alex York, 8:03 pm: There’s only so much rejection a gal can take in one lifetime …

Vanessa Blake, 8:04 pm: You two will figure it out.

Alex York, 8:05 pm: Maybe. Or maybe he’ll move back to London next week and I’ll never hear from him ever again. Anyway. All good with you?

Vanessa Blake, 8:06 pm: Yep. Starting to get itchy feet. The next adventure might be calling …

Alex York, 8:07 pm: Please tell me the next adventure lies somewhere closer to me?

Vanessa Blake, 8:10 pm: Galapagos!

Alex York, 8:10 pm: Where the fuck is the Galapagos?

Alex York, 8:11 pm: I just googled it. Ecuador. Great. Thanks. Legend.

Vanessa Blake, 8:12 pm: Gotta run. Adios!

With our April break only a week away, it was decided that we would all begin our holidays early, with a plan to reconvene once everything had calmed down and HR had decided where to start. Leo was put on leave in the meantime, although he didn’t seem altogether that upset at the prospect of losing his job. I suppose it made sense. He’d never loved it like I had.

Henry put me in touch with his sister, Miriam, a contract lawyer who was as expensive as she was terrifying, but I would have paid any amount of money to be removed from the back and forth with Mark and his cronies, should it come to that. I forwarded both her and Henry a copy of my contract and they got to work.

On Tuesday evening, Billy made a lamb roast and Tom joined us for dinner. Leo was still in the spare room, which felt both completely normal and completely strange. I was glad the bathroom had a lock, as I wouldn’t have put it past May to accidentally walk in on him in the shower just to cop a good look. She was positively giddy over his presence in the house, and she waited on him hand and foot, which he didn’t seem to mind. More than anything, it hit home that Henry was right—I really needed to get my own place.

We were all on our second plate of lamb when Tom’s phone buzzed, the word LISA popping up on his screen.

‘Who’s Lisa?’ I asked, confused.

‘It’s Finley’s code name. The perils of dating a celebrity! You won’t find his name mentioned once on this entire iPhone. I even delete work emails that mention him. God knows where I’ll accidentally leave this thing one day. Let’s send him a pic; say cheese!’ he cooed as he snapped one of the three of us at the table, my mouth full of lamb.

Tom took a moment to read Finley’s reply, before slowly putting down his phone, clasping his hands in the prayer position, closing his eyes and grinning. When he opened them again, he looked as if he’d just had fourteen Red Bulls and a line of coke. ‘Finley’s promo tour in Singapore was cancelled this week. He wants to know if we want to meet him. He won’t say where, but it’s all booked. And none of us has work, so all you have to do is say yes. PLEASE say yes!’

‘Oh, wow,’ Leo said, shocked. ‘You guys should definitely go,’ he added, cutting another potato and popping into his mouth.

Tom gasped, offended. ‘I said WE. As in YOU too! Come on, it will be so fun, we’ll be like the awesome foursome! And I don’t mean like the lame Australian rowers, I mean like the royals before Harry and Meghan ditched them for LA.’

Leo did a double take. ‘You want … me? To come?’

Tom groaned, looked towards me and raised his eyebrows impatiently, willing me to interject.

I looked to Leo. ‘Come on. You’re homeless and we might not have jobs next week. Plus, we haven’t seen you in forever. For once in your life, Leo Billings, I implore you—’

‘—WE implore you,’ Tom interrupted.

‘Yes, we implore you to do something crazy and say yes.’

Leo still looked hesitant. Tom sat up straight, with a serious look on his face.

‘Leo, Alex, I think at this point there’s only one question we need to ask ourselves.’ He cleared his throat. ‘What would Goldie Miller do?’

And there it was. The clincher.

The hesitance on Leo’s face gave way to joy. ‘For Goldie? I’m in.’

Tom shrieked. Leo laughed. I poured us all another glass of wine.

Copies of our passports were soon scanned and sent to Finley’s management team, who told us nothing about the destination other than it was a ‘swimsuit and carry-on luggage only’ situation. I wasn’t sure whether the aloofness was for security reasons, or if Finley just really liked surprises. Either way, I was buzzing with anticipation when the three of us rocked up at the international terminal at 7:30 am the next morning as instructed. One by one, our phones vibrated as boarding passes appeared in our inboxes. I stared down at my phone at a first-class ticket to Singapore with my name on it. Seconds later, a second boarding pass arrived for our connecting flight.

‘Holy shit—we’re going to the Maldives!’ I cried out. ‘This week has gone from bad to un-fucking-believable!’

Ninety minutes later, we were seated up at the pointy end of the plane, toasting 2012 Taittinger and taking an obscene number of selfies.

Tom knocked his champagne back in one go. ‘To Lisa!’

‘To Lisa!’ I echoed, holding my glass towards Leo. He clinked his glass on mine, holding my gaze with a quiet grin as we took a sip.

‘Okay, now phones off, everybody. Time to leave the real world behind,’ Tom called out, snapping his fingers in the air bossily.

Leo and I did as we were told, and I noticed the distinct way my shoulders relaxed as my screen powered down.

‘Wow. That actually felt good.’ I said, smiling. ‘I should do it more often.’

Unsurprisingly, the sixteen-hour journey felt like thirty minutes. We snacked on Osetra caviar, warm spiced scallops and lobster thermidor. I had three desserts before we’d even landed in Singapore, one of which was an espresso parfait that I legitimately would have made love to had it been anatomically possible. Leo and I were seated next to each other, with Tom (who had chosen to get in as much sleep as possible in order to look ‘fresh’ for his arrival) directly behind us.

With our phones off and the stress of work a million miles away, and Aunty May’s prying eyes nowhere to be seen, Leo and I finally found ourselves with an opportunity to catch up. Goldie’s news had taken precedence since he had arrived home, and I was yet to properly hear about Jack and Tessa.

Leo thoughtfully savoured every sip of the $300-a-bottle whisky he’d been served as we spoke.

‘Things were pretty dark when I arrived. Tessa just wasn’t coping, and Jack was doing his best to take care of her but of course that’s not his job. So, I got in touch with her GP, who set her up with a great therapist and a grief support group, which seems to really be helping. Hopefully she’ll be back at work soon. She’s a lot like Laney. So determined. The sadness just got the better of her, which happens to the best of us sometimes.’

‘And how’s Jack?’

Leo’s eyes shone. ‘He’s just such an amazing kid. You should have seen him, bringing Tessa cups of tea, making breakfast, cleaning the house. All without complaining.’

‘Was he okay when you left?’

‘He understood. And he’s excited about hopefully coming to stay for a while.’

‘He’s coming here?’ I asked, surprised.

‘Well, if his and Tessa’s visas come through then they’ll be here soon. They can stay for a year, see how they like it,’ he replied with a glint of coy excitement in his eyes that he quickly shook the second I clocked it.

‘What?’ I leaned forwards, shocked, and grabbed his arm. ‘Leo! That’s huge!’

‘We’ll see. I don’t want to get excited until the visas are approved.’

‘They will be. I know they will be. I can’t believe you’re staying!’

‘Of course I’m staying, Alex. When I commit to something, I commit to something,’ he said decisively. ‘And the change of scenery has been good for me.’ There was a suggestive tone in his voice that made my insides flip. He was staring right at me now. Almost like he was taking in the scenery as he spoke. ‘Plus, May and Billy still have two more empty bedrooms.’

I let out a loud cackle. ‘Well, I think there might be three soon. I’ve got Henry looking for a place for me.’

Leo cleared his throat and sat forwards, eyebrows raised. ‘Henry?’

‘He’s that financial planner I’ve been seeing. He’s been amazing.’

‘Ah, right. Henry.’ Leo sounded odd, as if his mouth had temporarily forgotten how to say words. He sat back. ‘That’s great, Alex.’ He pulled a book out of his bag and began flicking through the pages.

I kept talking, keen to pull him back into the conversation. ‘Although I suppose I won’t be buying a house if I lose my job. I’ll have to just rent somewhere. Either way, I can’t turn thirty at May and Billy’s place, can I?’

Leo didn’t answer for a second, clearly absorbed in whatever had taken his attention, and then he looked at me briefly. ‘You’re Alex York. You’ll figure it out,’ he replied, in the kind of matter-of-fact tone that made me believe I really would. He knocked back the last of his whisky, placed the book on his lap and fixed his gaze on the empty sky out the window beside him.

My excitement that Leo was staying in Sydney suddenly deflated like a released balloon, the shrunken remains landing limp and pathetic in the pit of my stomach. What was going on in that head of his? What had I said to suddenly lose him like that? One thought drilled through me and sat like lead in my chest as I watched him stare out the window, his mind far away in an inaccessible world. He may be back for good, but he certainly wasn’t back for me.