Chapter 13
TATUM
Sweat clings to my skin in packed bar, sweetened by the scent of my perfume and the assortment of fruity cocktails littered across the table.
I check my watch, surprised to find more than an hour has passed.
My Sex on the Beach is long gone, replaced by a tall glass of tonic water with lime that fizzes pleasantly as I take another sip.
The bar has grown even more crowded, the music louder, but our little corner feels intimate as the girls lean in, hanging on my every word.
The girls erupt in laughter, Charlotte practically spitting out her Cosmo while Avery clutches her stomach. “Oh my god,” Liz gasps between giggles. “That’s epic.”
“I have so many embarrassing stories about that boy,” I say, wiping tears from my eyes. “We’ve been through everything together.”
“Speaking of boys,” Avery leans forward, her eyes sparkling with curiosity. “You have a boyfriend, right? I feel awful that we haven’t even asked about him.”
I nod, feeling a pang of guilt that I’d yet to mention him. “Ethan.”
“Is it serious?” Liz asks, and I can tell she’s genuinely curious.
I think about it for a moment before I wonder why I need time to consider my answer. Ethan loves me, and I’m on the path to loving him back. I’m planning on transferring schools for him, for heaven’s sake. If that’s not serious, then I don’t know what is.
“Yeah, it is. Things have moved kind of fast, but”—I shrug—“it just feels right.”
“Well, you know what they say,” Brynn says. “When you know, you know. I think deep down, I always knew there was something there with Jace. I just buried all that attraction and sexual tension with loathing.” She laughs.
“I definitely knew with Damon, too,” Avery chimes in. “I mean, we started as friends, but it wasn’t long until we became more.”
Charlotte nods her agreement. “Once I let my guard down with Chris, I was hopeless.”
“If I’m not being too nosy, can I ask how Ethan feels about you and Brandon being so close?
” Samantha asks with a frown, and I wonder if she’s thinking about her own relationship with James.
“I mean, with you having a male best friend and spending so much time with him, while Ethan’s at an entirely different school.
I can imagine he might get a little jealous. ”
The table suddenly goes quiet, all eyes on me as I shift uncomfortably in my seat, the question catching me off guard.
“I’m sure he’d rather I have a girl for a best friend.” I shrug. “But I think it’s fine.”
Charlotte raises an eyebrow. “You think?”
I nod, tracing the condensation on my glass with my finger. “The Sigma Alpha party last week was the first time they’ve spent more than a few minutes together and it could’ve been better,” I say for lack of better words.
The truth is, there was a lot of tension between them, but I still haven’t quite figured out why. Shouldn’t Brandon be happy I found someone?
“Well, if you ever want to hang out with just us girls, we’re here for you,” Charlotte says, reaching out and giving my hand a squeeze.
“And I’m the only one without a boyfriend, so I’m always free.” Liz sighs.
“I will most definitely take you up on that,” I say, feeling a weight lift off my chest. “It would be nice to have a female perspective from time to time. Especially when there are some things I just can’t talk about with Brandon.”
Like Ethan. Ethan is probably the only thing we can’t talk about, and I’m not sure why.
“I totally get that.” Brynn laughs. “I mean, anytime you go to men with a problem, they’re just so . . .”
“Practical?” Charlotte chimes in.
“Yes,” Brynn drawls. “Like, sometimes you just want to vent or complain or whatever without rational advice. And could you imagine if you went to Brandon for guy advice?”
“It would never work,” Charlotte agrees, and I feel like they get it.
“Yeah, there are certain topics totally off the table with Brandon, and my roommate and I are cool, but we’re not particularly close.” I stir my drink, staring at the bubbles while I think about my first time with Ethan.
“So, you need us,” Avery proclaims. “As a newbie. I get it. When I transferred last semester and crashed their little foursome, these ladies were so welcoming,” she says, staring at the girls fondly.
I bite my lip as an overwhelming surge of gratitude for these ladies, and this moment balloons inside of me.
Or maybe it’s the stress of the last couple weeks that’s making me feel like I might burst. Breaking the news to Brandon that I might transfer, the tension between him and Ethan, my disappointing first time, and the massage incident.
The weight of it presses on my shoulders.
“Hey,” Liz gently nudges my arm. “I think we lost you for a moment.”
“Yeah, sorry. I just . . .” I exhale, wondering where I should start and if I even should.
“Something’s up,” Samantha says, narrowing her eyes. “I can see those wheels spinning, so spill.”
“I had sex,” I blurt out, fighting the urge to hide behind my hands.
“Um, congratulations?” Brynn says, like she’s not sure it’s a good thing.
Welcome to the club. Even I’m not sure.
I pinch the bridge of my nose, trying to rein it in. “I mean, not just for the first time with Ethan, but also for the first time ever.”
“Ahhh,” Avery says with a knowing look. “And it wasn’t what you expected?”
I sigh and shake my head, dropping my hands in my lap. “No. I mean, I don’t know. I was drunk. Like, really, really drunk.”
Charlotte winces, and I feel it in my bones before she tries to cover it up by taking a sip of her drink. Beside me Brynn stares in wide-eyed alarm. “Did you . . . You consented, right?”
“Yes. Definitely,” I rush to say.
I mean, truthfully, I was kind of out of it, but I knew where we were headed and what he wanted, and I told him I wanted it too. So, this is on me. Right?
I clear my throat and add, “He said he loved me and a ton of other sweet things, and I wanted to be with him, but I . . . I don’t know.
I’m not sure why I’m questioning it when I still want to be with him.
I’m thinking of transferring schools for him for heaven’s sake, but it just .
. .” How do I put my finger on what the problem was?
“It sucked, didn’t it?” Samantha blurts.
The rest of the girls stare at me intently, waiting for my answer.
“It’s okay to say it,” Charlotte adds. “It’s not like we’re going to tell anyone.”
“Maybe?” I wince. “I mean, how do I know what’s good or not if I have zero experience? And how do I know it wasn’t just the alcohol that was the problem?”
“First of all,” Brynn says, raising a hand. “He should’ve waited until you were sober.”
I nod, knowing this in my bones, but not wanting to admit it to myself because I don’t want a reason to be upset with him. “In all fairness, he’d been drinking too, so maybe he wasn’t sober enough to make a sound decision, either.”
“Okay,” Brynn says, but she doesn’t sound convinced. “Regardless, you’d know, drunk or not, if it was good.”
“Even as a virgin,” Avery adds.
“Really?” I ask, slumping back on my seat as I scan the faces of the women around me.
“Really.” Charlotte offers me a sympathetic smile, and I deflate even more.
What if it was me? What if I’m the problem?
“Let me ask you this,” Charlotte says, watching me closer. “Was it his first time, too? Because that might explain it a little more.”
“No.” I twist my hands in my lap, wondering if that’s a mark for me or against me. “We haven’t had a lot of in-depth conversations about his past relationships, but I know he has more experience than I do.”
“I take it you didn’t finish?” Samantha asks.
I bite my lip, and they see the answer without me having to say it.
“Then it’s on him. Totally,” Brynn says, as if reading my mind.
“Really?” I ask, hating how relieved I sound when I should be concerned with the possibility Ethan and I aren’t sexually compatible and how I can fix it. “You’re sure?”
“My first time was with Jace, and it was—” Brynn mimes an explosion around her head.
“Same with me and Damon,” Avery says, her tone soft. “Sorry.”
I slump back in my seat, mulling it over.
Shit.
“It could’ve just been the booze,” Liz supplies, her expression one of sympathy. “Since you said he’d been drinking as well.”
“Yeah.” Charlotte nods, but why do I feel like she’s just trying to make me feel better? “Try it sober, and see how it goes,” she says. “Also, don’t be afraid to speak up. Tell him what you want.”
I nod along, like what she’s saying makes total sense. And it does, but how the hell can I know what I want when I’m so inexperienced?
“Thanks. You’re probably right. I think I just had the first time built up in my mind, so it threw me when it wasn’t what I expected,” I admit, swirling my straw in my drink.
“Completely understandable,” Samantha says.
“And then that thing happened with Brandon, and it confused me even more.”
“Um, what now?” Brynn asks, and I instantly realize my mistake.
My head snaps up, and I can see the spark of interest ripple across our table.
“Something happened with Brandon?” Charlotte asks, cocking her head, a smile playing on the edges of her lips.
“It was nothing. Honestly.” I swallow over the bundle of nerves tightening at the base of my neck. “I just . . . we were having a spa day on Sunday, and—”
“Hold up.” Brynn raises a hand, the corners of her mouth curling into a smile. “A spa day? Like manicures and facials?”
I grin, thinking of Brandon as warmth fills my chest. “He let me put a face mask on him, then gave me a pedicure.”
“And that’s a problem?” Liz’s brow creases.
“That’s not the problem.” I groan. “He gave me a massage, which was amazing, but halfway through, I sort of discovered he . . .”
How should I word this?
“. . . was aroused. And not just a little. I felt his arousal with my hand, and I realize it probably doesn’t take much for guys to get that turned on, but in that moment, I met his eyes, and all I could think about was putting my hands in his pants to see if he was as big as he felt.”
“Fuck me, that’s hot,” Samantha blurts.
“Ugh. Not helping,” I groan.
“Sorry,” she says, but she doesn’t sound sorry.
“And then what happened?” Charlotte rests her chin on her fist, hanging onto my every word.
I shrug, mortified at the rest of the story.
“I snapped out of it and remembered I have a boyfriend who loves me, and he’s someone I’m close to loving and want to be with, and I was so ashamed and embarrassed at my reaction, I barricaded myself in Brandon’s bathroom until he knocked on the door and apologized. ”
“Wow.” Liz blinks, staring at me when she asks, “And you’re sure there’s not something there?”
I shake my head, unwilling to go there. “He shrugged it off, saying it was just biology and being a man.”
Liz groans. “All men are the same, I swear.”
Charlotte, Avery, and Brynn all share a knowing look.
“And you’re positive there are no feelings there?” Avery asks. “Not even on your end?”
I think about the crush I had on Brandon in high school. It was pure torture.
“No.” I shake my head. Unreciprocated feelings are the worst, and I don’t ever want to go back to that place. “Brandon’s never thought of me that way,” I say, ignoring the way my chest pinches with the words, “and I have Ethan now. We’re happy.”
I nod to myself, strengthening my resolve even as a quiet unease curls low in my stomach. Because if Ethan’s my priority, where does that leave Brandon?
And why does it feel like my heart’s still tangled up somewhere between Ethan’s arms and Brandon’s hands?