Chapter Twenty #2
I whimpered, both desperate for myself to come to my senses and stop this and desperate for him to keep going, to push the boundaries more, to throw all caution to the wind and take me as his willing prisoner.
Memories of our past assaulted me one after another as the lights acted as a film reel over my closed eyes.
A flash and we were there in my bunk in Greece, laughing and shushing one another as we peeled off every article of clothing.
Another flash and we were walking hand in hand through the streets of Kontokali, pointing at the mansions and guessing who lived there, what their lives were like, before the conversation turned to what our lives would be like.
Together.
Flash of light. His wide beamed smile. Saxophone riff. Me straddling his lap. Whip of cool sea breeze. Him inside me for the first time, shaking.
His warm breath on my neck brought me back to the present, to a moment so wrong it somehow made it all the way to the other side and felt nothing but right.
He was so close I heard him swallow even over the music, like my mind was tuned into only him and had blocked out every other noise and possible distraction.
I wanted to ask him what he was doing but I was too afraid to speak, too scared I’d shatter the fragile, illicit moment.
Finn was barely touching me and yet his cock was hard against my backside, like being near me at all was his undoing. That’s how it was for me, too.
One touch, one look, one breath from him had me ready to risk it all.
His lips parted, brushing my neck as he nosed the shell of my ear and sent electric tingles cascading down my body like a waterfall.
I angled my chin toward him.
His eyes caught mine — too close and out of focus.
Our breaths hitched, mouths just an inch apart.
And I covered his hand with mine, sliding it under the fabric of my suit and over until he was palming my breast, until I could find relief for the insatiable ache within, until I was sure he could feel how hard my heart was beating from his touch.
His eyes slammed shut, a deep, guttural groan ripping from him as he squeezed and I arched and we crashed through the gates of Hell, unrepentant.
“Em…” he groaned.
I could have come right there, right then, just from that sound, from that touch. One more flick of his palm over my nipple and I was going to surrender.
But in an instant, all his warmth was gone, the absence of him sweeping over me like a frigid whip of wind.
Somehow, I knew without looking to confirm that it was because someone was coming. And so I played it off, acting like I was dancing and my heart wasn’t about to kick its way out of my chest. I swayed and lifted my hands into the air, smiling despite how I could barely manage my next breath.
Suddenly, Eli was at my side, throwing his arm around me with a goofy, blitzed grin. He smelled like cigarette smoke and rum, and I instantly missed the scent from before. Finn’s scent. Vetiver and black pepper and fresh ocean air.
“Had a quick chat with some of the brus at the bar and we all agreed — you and me? Way overdue for a date.”
I blinked my eyes open, hoping no one could see the heated flush of my skin under the lights strung above. “Oh yeah?”
“Yeah,” he said, and then he bopped my nose with his finger, swaying us side to side a little too quickly for the current beat.
I laughed and tried to blend into the new moment, leaving the heavy one behind me, but it felt like a fish trying to fit in with a pack of wild horses.
When I chanced a glance over my shoulder, I found Gisella with her arms around Finn’s neck. He had a lazy smile on his face as he listened to whatever she was saying. She laughed and threw her head back.
And then she kissed him.
And I wanted to die.
The sight of them together was a rope around my neck and a boot kicked against my back, pummeling me forward no matter how I tried to resist.
I knew Finn well enough to recognize the hollowness behind his smile, the stiffness in the way he held her, the resistance in his share of the kiss. But it didn’t matter. Because it still happened.
She kissed him, and he didn’t stop her.
He’d had his hands on me, his breath in my ear, both of us on the edge of something I couldn’t even attempt to reach for now, it was so far gone.
And now he was letting Gisella press her mouth to his like none of it had happened.
I turned away too fast, the world blurring at the edges as I laughed at something Eli said without hearing a word of it.
I forced my body to move, to dance, to pretend like I wasn’t clinging to the phantom sensation of Finn’s hand on my skin, like I didn’t still feel his lips at my ear, like I wasn’t aching so fiercely it felt like every nerve ending had been exposed.
I was so stupid.
How many times was I going to let him do this? How many times would I fall for half-measures and quiet looks, for words that said one thing and actions that screamed another?
I blinked against the sting in my eyes, swallowing hard, willing the heat rising in my throat to settle.
Soon, the group started gathering to leave. Eli wandered off to find Bernard. Gisella clung to Finn as they rejoined the others. And I slipped away before anyone could notice the battle raging inside me.
I climbed into the back of the first cab that pulled up, pressing myself into the far corner.
Cameron and Leah took the front, still giggling and kissing, and Gisella clambered in after them, tugging Finn along with her.
He paused at the door, eyes flicking to me, but I turned my face to the window before he could latch that gaze on too tightly.
My heart was an open wound, and every glance in his direction poured salt in it.
I didn’t want his fucking loaded looks.
I didn’t want his confusing words.
I didn’t want anything from him.
I curled in on myself, arms around my middle, eyes locked on the passing lights outside. I could see our reflections faintly in the glass — the others bathed in shadow and streetlight, the space between Finn and me feeling like a canyon, even though we were barely a few feet apart.
My thoughts raced, each one louder than the last.
What are we fucking doing?
This wasn’t some harmless flirtation. This wasn’t a few lingering stares or accidental touches. This was full-on submission of our self-control — a reckless, spiraling mess that neither of us had the guts to stop.
That neither of us wanted to stop.
But why did he let it start in the first place?
I thought about all of it — the way he looked at me when no one else was watching, the way he talked to me in quiet moments like our past still haunted him, too, the damn tattoo inked into his skin, the press of his hand on my neck earlier as he asked about mine, the way he gave into sin on the beach tonight like we were the only ones in the world, like there were no consequences to face.
For a short, stupid moment, I thought that was him claiming me again. I thought it was him saying Gisella didn’t matter, that what they had wasn’t anything compared to what we did…
That it was still us for him, just like it was for me.
But he’d snuffed out that hope with a press of his lips against Gisella’s.
My chest cracked wide open as the world blurred past, confusion bleeding into shame. I closed my eyes against the pang of it, how it made me want to pack my bag and leave in the dead of night without facing anyone. How could I room with Gisella and pretend like nothing had happened?
What kind of monster was I becoming?
Yes, she had kissed Cameron, but she’d immediately told Finn about it. And though I was fairly certain he was far from okay with what happened, he’d clearly forgiven her and moved on.
So… maybe they were finding themselves in some kind of open relationship.
I scoffed internally at myself even as I thought it because I knew for a fact Finn didn’t have the okay from Gisella to do what he did tonight.
And I hadn’t even thought of her — not for a single second.
I really was a monster.
It was tempting, to give into that track of thinking, but before it could sink its claws into me and pull me under, fury slid in and took the wheel.
This wasn’t all on me.
Finn was the one who’d touched me tonight. It was him who was crossing the line and tempting me to test it with him. Was it because he missed me? Did he have regrets?
Oh, God… was he using me to get back at Gisella for what she’d done to him?
My gut soured at the thought, and that’s when resolve sank in deep.
I was done.
He didn’t get to play both sides.
And I refused to be the girl who let him.
No more.
This ended here, now, tonight, in this cab, without a word of declaration.
Starting tomorrow, Finn Pearson would be nothing more than a coworker. No more lingering looks. No more small, stolen touches. No more talking about a past that needed to stay buried.
If cutting him out meant bleeding for a while, I’d take the pain. Eventually, the bleeding would stop. Eventually, I’d scab and heal and only have the remnants of a soft pink scar, one I could easily ignore.
This was it for me. The final straw.
He could keep the memories.
I was done living in them.