Chapter 13 #2
“We try not to make a big deal when it happens to one of us. We check in with each other at random times and encourage one another to talk to the counselors, but otherwise, we don't talk about it much. We all recognize that it's a hazard of the job."
"That's a difficult job."
"It's not all bad, but there are days..." He shrugged unsure of how to finish his sentence, instead he let out a heavy sigh. "Deep down...we all share the same fears."
"What fears?" Tenderness filled Grace's big brown eyes as they studied his face.
"That we won't come back home or that it won't be in one piece. That the nightmares won’t ever stop. That the PTSD will consume us."
"Those are heavy fears."
He shrugged. "We all have things in our lives that shaped who we've become."
Grace lowered her gaze to her hands as she nodded. "When my dad walked out...I handled it badly. I...I did a lot of things I'm not proud of."
Damon held his breath when she stopped talking, praying she would continue.
"I can't imagine how hard that must have been for you."
"I was so angry. I'm ashamed to admit that I took it out on my mom in some ways. I made life so much harder for her." Grace leaned her elbows on her knees and rubbed her hands over her face. "I did so many stupid things."
"Like what?" Damon was careful to keep his voice gentle and encouraging.
"I started hanging out with a bad crowd. We skipped school and smoked cigarettes one of the boys took from his mother's purse. Passed around beer that another kid snuck out of the house." Grace’s gaze grew distant as shadows flitted through her eyes.
"During that time, Zoey became my best friend.
She was much more outgoing than I was, but I went along with all the stupid stuff she suggested.
" She shook her head as she gave a small grimace.
"We always dared each other to do crazy things.
One day, we were hanging out at the mall, and I dared her to go up to a guy, who was with another girl, and take his hand, just to see how he reacted. " Her lips lifted in a smile.
"Not only was she crazy enough to do it, she told the guy she'd tried to stay away, but she just couldn't forget about him. The other girl got angry and stormed off, leaving the guy dumbfounded. Then Zoey said, 'Ooopsies, I thought you were someone else,' and walked away laughing."
"Gutsy girl."
"Seriously gutsy. The clencher?" She gave him a tight smile before continuing.
"Zoey then dared me to kiss a stranger in an elevator.
We rode the elevator for an hour, looking for the perfect guy and waiting for me to work up the nerve to actually do it.
Most of the guys had wives or girlfriends or were much older.
She couldn't understand why I was so reluctant. She would have done it in a heartbeat.
"Finally, two good-looking high-school-aged guys got on the elevator. One was really tall. There was no way I could plant a kiss on him then dart off the elevator. So I chose the shorter one."
"You just kissed him—on the lips, I assume—then bolted?" Damon let out a little laugh. "You didn't talk to him or even find out his name first?"
"I told you I was young and stupid. Fifteen to be exact." Grace shook her head as she looked out across the lake. "The whole thing backfired on me."
"How?"
"Well, Zoey and I were ready to step off, but then I turned and kissed him. Yes, on the lips, just a quick peck really.” She frowned and shook her head.
“Needless to say, he was shocked, but he recovered a lot faster than I expected and pulled me back in as the doors closed.
" She sucked in a sharp breath. "He pressed the button for the next floor and pushed me up against the wall and proceeded to make out with me until the door opened again. "
"Oh, wow." Damon's brows hiked up as anger shot through him.
"I'd never been kissed before. So not only was my first time not meaningful, it turned into French kissing with a little..." She cleared her throat. "...fondling thrown in."
"Now I see why you don't tell anyone that story. I bet Zoey laughed about it. She reminds me of Howie."
"Yeah, she was actually jealous."
"She was jealous that some guy...took advantage of you?"
"She was crazy like that." She shook her head again. "I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I did it anyway. I got what I deserved."
"Yeah, I guess you did."
A look of hurt flashed through Grace's eyes then shutters seemed to drop down as she masked her emotions. She turned away and studied the shoreline.
Damon couldn't understand what just happened. Had he said something wrong? One minute, Grace was finally opening up; the next, she wouldn't even look at him.
"When we first met in the elevator, you told me you weren't very adventurous, but it sounds like you were as a teenager." Damon prodded, desperate to get back the Grace that confided in him.
"No. Zoey was the adventurous one, and she always dragged me along." She looked down at her clasped hands. "The things I did were reckless and stupid." Her voice was full of self-recrimination. "And they had dire consequences."
She's talking about more than being assaulted in an elevator. But what?
Having Damon confirm that Grace got what she deserved in that elevator—never mind that it was true—hurt.
How would he respond if she told him everything? That as a sophomore, she went to a party, got drunk, and made out with a senior boy who raped her? Would he say it was her fault, like many of her so-called friends did? Would he call her a slut or an attention seeker?
Would he judge her for choosing to give her baby up for adoption when the father wanted her to have an abortion? Or would he think she was wrong for not letting her dad and his new wife raise her baby?
Grace didn't tell people about her past because most of them criticized the choices she made as a sixteen-year-old girl who felt so lost and alone.
"Hey." Damon took her hand. "I'm not sure what I said or did that upset you, but I'm sorry. Please don't hold my cluelessness against me." His reference to their conversation the first day they met brought a smile to her face. "I don't want it to ruin our last day together."
"Me either."
If they were going to have a future together, she needed to tell Damon everything. But it didn't need to be right now. If she told him a month from now in an email, then she wouldn't have to see the judgment or disappointment on his face.
Coward.
"Did I tell you about that time Daniel, Riley, Paige, and I decided we were going to canoe all the way across the lake to the grocery store on the other side just to buy candy?
" Damon set his oar on the water and motioned for her to grab hers.
"We were only a couple hundred yards from the pier at our cabin when the wake of a large motorboat capsized us. "
Grace gasped. "Were you guys okay?"
"We wore life jackets, so we were fine. Uncle Blake spotted us out beyond the buoys that marked the off-limits area just before we capsized. He and my dad rode out on the jet skis and made sure we were okay. Then Uncle Blake towed the canoe back to the cabin while my dad watched us swim back."
"They made you swim all the way?"
"Our parents were good at making sure we learned our lesson when we did stupid stuff."
Damon continued to tell her stories of his youth that repeatedly made Grace laugh. The atmosphere between them settled back into the comfortable and enjoyable banter she enjoyed so much.
Her heart remained heavy as the day wore on though. Not only did her mom not want anything to eat when they checked on her, after a trip to the bathroom, she insisted on returning to her bed.
They spent the evening at his mom’s house where his brothers and their families had gathered for a farewell dinner. It was almost dark by the time they said goodbye and left to put their kids to bed.
When the house grew quiet, Damon took her to the backyard where he built a fire.
For over an hour, she sat snuggled in his arms, watching the dancing flames.
They talked a little and shared a few lengthy kisses.
The rest of the time, they simply sat in silence.
Content to be together and dreading saying goodbye.
Finally, Grace checked her watch. "It's almost nine. I should go home and check on my mom. I feel bad that I've been gone all day."
"Let me put out the fire, then I'll take you home." Damon didn't sound any more excited to see the day end than she was. "I'd like to stay with you until I have to leave for the airport, if that’s okay." When she nodded, he went on. "I'm going to take time to say goodbye to my mom now then."
Grace nodded and waited. When Damon finally released his mom, Charity swept her into a tight hug.
"Don't be a stranger. You are welcome here any time. And when you need someone to sit with your mom, call me or Faith, you hear?"
"Thank you." Grace blinked back tears as she nodded.
The ride to her house was quiet. Her mom roused long enough to drink some water and a few swallows of a nutrition drink, then she gave Damon a hug and a kiss on the cheek before shuffling back to her bed.
"What time do you need to leave for the airport?" Grace sat on the couch beside Damon and curled into his side.
"No later than one-thirty." His arm tightened around her. After several long moments of silence, he let out a little growl. "I hate that our final hours together feel like one of us is waiting to go before a firing squad."
"Me too. I feel like I'm on the verge of bursting into tears any second." Just mentioning tears brought them to her eyes. She blinked them away, not wanting to make this somber night even worse.
"Come on." He tugged her off the couch and pulled her toward the back door. "One of the nice things about living in the country is that the stars are so much brighter than in the city."
Within minutes, they were laying on the grass in the backyard, staring up at the sky.
"Wow, it's beautiful."
Together they found the big and little dipper and the north star. Then with the help of an app on Damon's phone, they identified several other constellations. When they lapsed into silence that grew heavy with his imminent departure, Damon rolled onto his side and propped his head on his hand.
"Talk to me. Let's make plans. Tell me some more things you want to put on your bucket list. Have you thought anymore about whether you want to become a Doctor of Radiology?"
"I'm still undecided on that since it will be a huge expense and time commitment.
" She pulled her phone from her pocket. "But I've decided I'm going to add a new item each week. Even if it’s something I did that week that I add after the fact.
" She typed into her phone. "Your mom offered to teach me how to crochet, so I'm adding that. "
Damon pulled out his own phone and started typing.
"What are you adding to your list?"
"Figure out How to be less clueless." The smile he gave her made her heart do funny things. "Do you think there's a book I can read that would help?"
She gave him a teasing grin. "I hate to break it to you, but I think you're beyond help."
He laughed. "Probably."
"Is that what you do on Friday and Saturday nights since you stopped partying? Stay home and read?"
"I do read a lot, but on the weekends, I often play basketball at the gym or football and Frisbee on the quad. There's always something going on. When it's cold out, we have ping pong and pool tournaments."
"I'm going to add Learn to swing dance to my list. Watching your cousins dance at the wedding looked fun."
"I'll teach you." Damon pushed to his feet and pulled her up. "Come on."
"Right now?"
"Sure. No time like the present. We should probably go inside, so we don't trip in the dark. We'll keep the music quiet, so we won't disturb your mom."
"Okay." Giddy laughter bubbled out of Grace. She loved that Damon wanted to make the most of their final hours together.
They pushed back the sofa and selected music, then Damon walked her through the basic steps, repeatedly pushing her out and pulling her back in until she'd mastered them.
Then he introduced a few more moves. And a few more.
Once again, they laughed as they enjoyed each other's company, dancing to song after song.
Eventually, they drifted into slow dancing again like they did at the wedding, arms wrapped around each other. They shared several lingering kisses; each one a little more intense as the clock ticked closer to one thirty.
"Mmm..." Damon broke off their final kiss but kept his arms wrapped around her. "I really need to leave now, beautiful." He continued to hold her.
"I know." She kept her face pressed to his chest. "I wish you didn't have to go." She forced down the lump that clogged her throat and squeezed her eyes shut against the tears.
"Me too." He pulled away. "I'll call or text you as soon as I can. Now get some sleep." He pressed his lips to her forehead then opened the door.
“Oh, wait.” She stepped away. “I have something for you.” She hurried down the hall then returned with the care package she’d assembled for him.
“It’s not much. Just some snacks.”
He peeked inside. A grin spread across his face when he spotted the treats they’d shared in the elevator. “Chocolate truffles and licorice?”
“Plus, jerky and nuts and some little puzzle books.”
He pulled her into his arms again, hugging her so tightly she could hardly breathe. He tucked his face against her neck and let out a heavy sigh. "Goodbye, sweetheart."
"Bye." Grace caught the sheen of tears in his eyes as he pulled open the door and stepped out into the night.
Her heart thudded slow and heavy in her chest as she pushed it closed behind him. She pressed her forehead to the door, locked it, and uttered a short prayer. "Please, Lord, bring him back to me safe and sound."
She watched out the window as Damon's taillights disappeared, then she turned off the porch light, followed by the living room light.
She plodded down the hall to her dark bedroom.
Not bothering to turn on a light or brush her teeth, she climbed into her bed, hugged her pillow to her chest, and sobbed.