Chapter 20
Grace flopped onto her bed, too tired to change her clothes. It was her first day back at work since her mom passed away, and it was the longest day of her life. Not because it was busy, but because it was so slow. And not talking to Damon during her lunch break, made the day drag on forever.
It gave her plenty of time to squeeze in a little studying though.
She toyed with the idea of taking a bath using one of the bath bombs Damon's brother Matt delivered yesterday along with a scented candle and an assortment of gourmet hot chocolates and herbal teas. At least she thought it was Matt's car that she saw driving away.
Getting up would mean she'd have to walk past her mother's room again.
How long will it take me to get used to being alone?
She'd often felt alone even when her mom was still here, but now the quiet—the stillness—was suffocating.
She would walk over and see what Paige was up to, but her car wasn't home yet when Grace came home. Charity had told Grace her door was always open, but she didn't want to wear out her welcome there. She toyed with the idea of going out to the Double Diamond to ride but couldn't find the energy.
Twenty minutes later, she'd finally convinced herself to get off her bed and clean out the leftovers from the refrigerator when the doorbell rang.
Not wanting to talk to anyone, and certainly not needing any more casseroles, she was tempted to ignore it. When a knock followed the ring of the doorbell, she plodded to the front door.
She opened it to find her porch empty. Again. Her heart skipped a beat as her gaze darted downward, anticipating another surprise from Damon. What she found there made her heart momentarily stop then suddenly kick into overdrive.
She let out a little squeal then crouched down and picked up the most adorable fluffy fur ball she had ever seen. The puppy was mostly white with tan and brown patches around the eyes, ears and stomach.
"Oh, my goodness, aren't you the cutest thing ever!" She held the puppy close to her face.
It licked her cheek, giving her kisses.
She searched the street, wondering who Damon roped into being her messenger this time. Then she heard Paige's giggle coming from next door.
She turned to find their door open a crack, Gabe and Paige both peeking out.
"Did you guys do this?"
The door swung open and Paige stepped out, followed by Gabe. "We're only the deliverers." Paige held up her hands in a "not me" gesture.
Grace's gaze shifted to the corner of the porch where a kennel, dog bed, a big bag of puppy kibble, and a box of other necessities sat.
"I'd say you did a lot more than deliver. Somebody had to go buy all of this. No way was Damon able to arrange for all of this." She motioned with her hand toward the pile.
"You'd be surprised," Gabe said. "The man had a very specific list."
"And he's the one who tracked down the seller and made arrangements for us to pick her up. She's a shih tzu." Paige stepped close and petted the puppy's head. "I was worried that he was overstepping boundaries with this gift, but he assured us you'd been thinking about getting a dog."
"I have been. I mean I was. I haven't thought about it for a few weeks though, not since..."
"Damon thought it might be a good distraction as you adjust to Mom being gone." Gabe reached out and scratched the puppy's head.
"It's a distraction alright." The puppy licked her cheek again and she laughed. "A very cute distraction." Then she turned to Gabe. "This is the reason you fixed the hole in the fence yesterday, isn't it?"
Her brother nodded.
"So you're okay with keeping her?" Paige asked.
"I'm more than okay. I'm in love." Grace blinked back tears as she cuddled the little fur ball. "How can I not be? Look at this adorable face."
And this thoughtful gesture made her love Damon even more.
Gabe and Paige helped bring in all the supplies and set the kennel up in the corner of the kitchen. Then Paige showed her the lengthy instructions that the previous owner had written about caring for the puppy and the training she'd already started.
"Does she have a name?"
"Lily," Paige said. "But you can change it. Just say Lily to get her attention then call her by her new name. Make sure you're always looking at her when you say her new name."
"Lily fits her," Grace said as she looked into the dog's eyes.
And lilies were one of her mom's favorite flowers. Calling the puppy Lily would make it feel like she had a little bit of her mom here with her.
Gabe and Paige stayed for dinner and helped her clean out the last of her leftovers while they took turns playing with the puppy. It was the most normal Grace had felt since the wedding when her mom's health took a nosedive.
"I'm going to take her outside," Grace said after they finished eating. "She probably needs to go potty."
Gabe and Paige followed her out to the backyard where they watched Lily romp around; occasionally stumbling over her own feet. They eventually went home, and Grace played with the puppy for a little longer before taking her back inside.
She pulled out her phone and texted Damon.
Grace: Thank you!!! Just when I think you can't get any more thoughtful and amazing, you prove me wrong.
She checked the time after sending her text. It was six o'clock in the morning in Iraq. Damon should be finishing his guard duty shift soon. Hopefully, he'd call before he went to bed, so she could thank him personally.
She took the time to read through the instructions that came with Lily and tried some of the obedience commands with her.
When the puppy started to yawn, so did Grace.
She was tempted to let Lily sleep in her bed, but she didn’t want to foster a behavior that she wasn’t sure she wanted to allow for the next fifteen years.
She'd just tucked Lily into her kennel and was making her way to her room when her phone rang. Her heart skipped several beats as she hurried to answer it.
"Hello."
Damon let out what sounded like a tired sigh before he spoke. "Hello, beautiful."
"Thank you, thank you, thank you." Grace couldn't help grinning. "You are seriously so amazing."
"Of course I am." Damon returned her grin. "But I assume you're talking about today's little gift and not just my good looks."
"You're amazing in that regard too, but yes, I'm talking about the gift. There is nothing little about it though. You really shouldn't have gone to so much effort and expense." Then her lips turned up again. "But I'm glad you did."
"I just feel so bad that I can't be there to help you through this difficult time. I figured she'd give you the distraction you need, plus, it ticks off another thing from your bucket list."
"She's such an adorable distraction."
"Can I see her?"
Grace sat on the floor near Lily's kennel and pulled her out. She showed him the commands Lily had already learned, and they talked about how cute she was for a while. Then Lily curled up in her lap and fell asleep.
"Turn the camera around and let me see your face, beautiful."
Grace loved it when he called her that. Warmth flooded her cheeks as she flipped the camera back to face her.
"I miss you, Grace." He sighed as he said the words.
"I miss you too." She blinked to quell the tears that threatened.
Grace tucked Lily back into her kennel and snuggled into the corner of the couch to continue to talk to Damon.
He often told her stories of the crazy things he and his guard buddy did to entertain themselves during their long shifts; everything from playing cards to taking turns making up ridiculous lyrics of popular songs.
Two nights ago, they played an extreme version of Would You Rather where Damon decided he’d rather fight a horse-sized duck once than an angry racoon every night for a month. They hadn’t done it yet this deployment, but at least once while on duty they made mini bottle rockets with gun powder.
The fact that he didn’t have any stories this time meant that last night was busier than usual.
Her first day back at work was not very eventful either, and before long, they were both yawning. However, neither wanted to say goodbye.
Finally, Grace said, "Get some breakfast then get some sleep."
"You too." Then he chuckled. "The sleep part, not the breakfast part. I mean you can have breakfast after you sleep." Then he laughed again. "I guess you can have breakfast whenever you want. Even at midnight."
"You're so tired, you're rambling."
"I am, aren't I." He let out a little sigh. "Good night, Gracie. I love you."
"Good night." Grace bit her lip to keep from telling him she loved him too.
She didn't miss the flash of disappointment on his face before she ended the call. She wasn't sure why she was having such a hard time telling him she loved him but saying it when they were both so tired and needed sleep didn't seem like the right time.
She sighed as he pushed up off the couch. She really needed to stop being a coward. It wasn't fair to Damon.
And what will your excuse be next time?
From: Grace Rivera
To: Damon Knight
Date: November 25
Subject: You should know...
Dear Damon,
There's something I need to tell you that I couldn't make myself tell you in person.
Mostly because I don't want to see the shock or disappointment on your face when you learn what I've been keeping from you.
I will understand if, after reading this, you no longer want anything to do with me.
Just don't keep me wondering, please. Simply respond to this email and tell me we're done.
On my Dumb Things I've Done list, I would have to add:
1. Go to a party I shouldn't have been at.
2. Get drunk.
3. Make out with a senior—the star quarterback.
4. Get raped.
5. Become pregnant.
6. Give my baby up for adopt—
"Gah." Grace wiped the tears from her cheeks with shaky hands as a harsh sob erupted from her chest. Even just typing the words dredged up all the pain and anguish of that difficult year. How was she supposed to look Damon in the eye and not be ashamed of what she'd done?
She'd thought listing out the stupid things she'd done as bucket list items would make them seem less horrible, but it didn't.
Lily must have sensed her sadness, because she hopped onto the couch, gave Grace puppy kisses, then curled up in her lap, forcing her to set her laptop aside.
She'd only had Lily for a week, and already she couldn't imagine life without her.
She only cried every other day now when she thought about her mom, instead of multiple times a day.
Grace loved on Lily for a minute then looked back at her computer. What would Damon think when he read her email? Would he be shocked that she'd made such poor choices? Think she got what she deserved? Disgusted that she'd given her baby up for adoption?
"Not every man is Alan." Grace heard her mother's words again.
But what if Damon was like Alan?
She said she'd understand if he didn't want anything to do with her, but she wouldn't. Yes, she'd made some stupid mistakes, but she didn't deserve to continue to be punished for them. She'd done that to herself for a long time.
After years of therapy, she'd finally forgiven herself.
Haven't I?
"I can't." She hit the backspace button and held it until all the words disappeared from her screen. "I can't tell him. I can’t risk losing him right now.”
Not when her heart was still so raw from losing her mom. It had only been two weeks. His thoughtful gestures were the only thing that kept her going—although those had slowed down too. She wasn't ready to let him go.
She may have forgiven herself, but she still feared rejection. And if Damon was different than Alan, the last thing he needed was to be distracted from his dangerous job by her baggage.
Opening the tab of one of the textbooks she should be studying, she stared at the screen for a long moment before shutting her laptop. Moving Lily off her lap, she bolted to her feet then picked up her phone and texted Jake.
Grace: Can I take Honey out for a ride today?
Jake: Sure, but you'll want to bundle up. It's cold out.
Grace looked out the window at the gloomy November day. It hadn't rained yet today, but it looked like it could at any moment.
Tomorrow was Thanksgiving. Normally, she and her mom would be cooking up a storm, but not this year. Both the Knights and the Youngs had insisted she join them for Thanksgiving. They even planned to eat at different times, so she could attend both.
She appreciated the invitations, but she wasn't sure how she was supposed to eat two Thanksgiving dinners. She offered to bring something to each but was told by both Hope and Charity that wasn't necessary.
They'd never sounded more like sisters than when they each said, "Just bring yourself."
Although Charity did ask her to help make pies a few days ago for the Thanksgiving dinner she and Faith organized for the senior care center yesterday. Getting involved in community events was a nice distraction, but she still had too much time to think about how much she missed her mom.
She turned away from the window. "What do you think, Lily? Do you want to go see some horses?"