Chapter 17
CHAPTER 17
Gretchen
Heartbreak is such a stupid word. Hearts can’t break, but they can ache. And that’s what mine is doing now.
I know it’s in there, still beating, because the aching that’s coming from my chest has me sobbing.
Catherine drove me home without asking many questions. She just told me whatever I needed she’d be there for me—like always. I don’t know that I could’ve said a word without breaking out in tears. I needed to stay quiet because then I could bottle it up.
Today, the bottle can no longer be contained.
I thought I had it together. I really did. But it’s been two days and I can’t stop the tears from falling.
“Gretchen, I’m worried.” Catherine’s voice is soft. “You weren’t like this after...” I look up, but my eyes hurt to open. She sighs and then continues. “I’m saying that you were up, not lying in bed like a lump after your wedding was cancelled. Your wedding , Gretch! To a man you were supposed to spend your life with and you spend a few weeks with Ben and you’re a mess.”
“I’m fine,” I say defiantly.
“You’re not.”
“Okay, I’m not, but I will be.”
Even I don’t believe it.
How did Ben wound me so deeply? I thought we were more. I thought he could be everything. I was so ready for a life together and now...I’m alone.
She sighs. “What happened?”
“I’m an idiot.”
“Well, I don’t believe that, but tell me so I can decide.”
I roll over, pulling the blanket with me. “I really need to learn not to sleep with guys I work with. Shit! I’m going to be unemployed again.”
I really liked this job. It was fun being around Mark, Natalie, the other SEALs and...him. There is something really unique about the way their company works and I was finally revising all their contracts to actually benefit them. Plus, there’s still the whole shady lawyer who seems to have disappeared.
Now what the hell am I going to do?
“You’re not going to be unemployed.” Catherine rolls her eyes. “If anyone will be, it won’t be you. I can assure you of that.”
I don’t want Ben to lose his job. He needs it much more than I do. “Don’t even think about letting anyone go.” I grip her hand.
“Okay. Just talk to me. I’m here and I want to help.”
“And say what? Say that I was a fool who thought there was something there? I was so desperate to be loved again that I deluded myself that his fake dates were real? I wanted him so bad that I truly believed we made love. I thought each kiss was more than just him giving me a fucking gauge on what I should want from a man.”
“You were fake dating? Like, it was just a show?”
“Well, he was! I thought...I don’t know, but I was wrong.”
I am really the absolute worst judge of character. I thought it was all real. Again, I fooled myself into wanting someone that didn’t want me back. How stupid am I?
“I don’t understand.”
I tell her about his brilliant ideas and how it felt...different. “It wasn’t acting, Cat. I swear, no one could act that way. He said it wasn’t at one point. Maybe...maybe the first date, but even then, the way he kissed me, held me, smiled at me, there’s no way that it wasn’t real. He was so honest that I still can’t reconcile it, you know? When it was Harold, I wasn’t even half this upset. I was almost...relieved to some extent because I knew . I knew it wasn’t real love. I knew that what we had was superficial at best and that I was only with him because he was my best shot at my stupid list. With Ben, he was my whole list.”
“You love him.”
“How?” I yell and sit up. “How can I love someone who was so...not in love with me. How can I love someone after just a few weeks?”
Catherine shakes her head with a sad smile. “You really are an idiot.”
“Gee, thanks.”
“She’s right,” a deep voice says from the doorway. “You are an idiot, but I’m the biggest one.”
There stands Ben, all six plus feet of him. His arm is in a sling, the beginnings of a beard are growing, and he has dark circles under his eyes. The hospital band is on his wrist and he’s cloaked in regret.
“What are you doing here? How did you get in here?”
“I have a key,” he says as he walks forward. “And as for why I’m here...well, I’m here to grovel, beg, and do anything for you to forgive me.”
Catherine stands, moving to the wall. “That’s my cue.” I look to her, asking her with my eyes not to leave. What does the traitor do? Wink and then slink out.
“I can’t talk about this,” I say to him. “I can’t hear any more from you.”
The last time I loved someone, I hoped when they spoke, they’d fix what they’d broken. That didn’t happen. Instead, I was just reassured that I was fooling myself. With Ben, I thought it was different.
I’d rather believe what we had was real than allow him to confirm it was a lie.
“Please don’t...” I ask.
“Just listen,” he says with pleading eyes. “I was so sure that you were going to walk away. I thought you saw me in that bed and it was the end. I spent the next four days angry at the world, the doctors, my friends, but mostly myself. It wasn’t you who saw me in that bed and wanted to leave, it was me.” I close my eyes, a tear leaking out as he explains. “I didn’t want to fail you and have you deal with less of a man. I thought if I could let you go, then you’d be free. Free to find someone who could love you better, but...”
“But?”
Ben sits on the bed, taking my hand in his. I marvel at how well we fit together. How just a simple touch like this can make me feel like all is right in the world. The fact that his closeness allows me to breathe easier. When we were kids, it was like that.
He made everything seem just...better.
I always felt that he would do whatever he could to make me smile.
When I felt like I’d lost him again, my heart was decimated.
“But I never want to know if that’s possible. I don’t ever want another man to touch you, know you, because he will never love you the way I do. I want to be there every night, fight with you, laugh with you, take you on a million dates, be the man that you see me as and continue to prove I can be that.”
I shake my head and then touch his face with my hand. “You are that man.”
“No. I’m not yet, but I plan to be...for you.”
He is more of that man than anyone I’ve ever met. He came here, apparently straight from the hospital, to tell me he was wrong.
“I don’t know what to say,” I confess.
“Say you’ll forgive me for being an asshole. Tell me that there’s still a chance.”
I look up into his chocolate brown eyes, knowing I never want to look at another’s. “I don’t think I could resist you if I tried. Just don’t ever push me away like that.”
“I won’t.”
“I’ll always be honest. If something is too much, I’ll tell you.”
This is the one lesson I’ve learned. I can’t control the things around me, but I can control how I deal with them. Being honest is necessary. I used to let things get to be too much and then the issue was so much bigger than it had to be.
“And I will trust that what you say is true.”
I bring my lips to his. “We have a lot of trust issues between us. People who were supposed to love us have hurt us, but we don’t have to hurt each other. I don’t want the sins of our past to dictate our futures.”
He nods. “Is that what you want?”
“What?”
“A future.”
“With you?”
Ben pushes my hair back, holding my face. “With me.”
I close my eyes, resting my head against his. “Forever. You’ve always been my forever.”
And then, we don’t say anything else. Because we’re much too busy to speak.