Chapter 10 #2
They don’t get to stand over there judging me with no understanding of what’s happening.
Not that I’m going to tell them. I can’t.
I’ve barely articulated the events and my resulting feelings to my therapist. My mother got a distilled version…
something more appropriate for someone also mourning a loss.
Corina made do with the broad strokes and little breadcrumbs I had let slip over the years.
And there are several reasons this isn’t something I’ve told Brody.
So, there’s no way I’m about to explain to Gnat and the crew why I’m not on the water doing everything in my power to save Brody’s show.
It isn’t like I’m choosing to be afraid of water.
It’s not a rational fear, but it’s a ridiculous one to have overlooked when traveling to Fiji.
Though I never planned on getting into the ocean.
The resort pool maybe, but that’s because most of my exposure therapy took place at a swimming pool, and it’s a confined environment with lifeguards.
When I leveled up to lakes and oceans, it was in group therapy sessions run by multiple trained professionals, all there to ensure our mental and physical safety. I could take things at whatever speed I needed and stop at any time, which I did.
Here, there’s an over-eager crew and Gnat who, intentionally or not, are making me feel bad for sitting out today. Possibly more excursions, if there are others involving water. The fact is I haven’t fully healed, and maybe never will.
Nate holds up his pointer finger to Dave before removing his body camera, personal mic, and earpiece, handing the lot off to an assistant before jogging over to me.
“You okay over here?” Nate asks, drying himself off with a towel he grabbed along the way.
“Peachy.” Distracted by Nate toweling himself off, the word comes out breathier and lighter than the bitter note I intend. I clear my throat and try again. “Don’t think you’re going to talk me into this excursion after your ‘it’s your choice’ speech.”
Nate frowns, dropping the towel onto the sand. “I’m not trying to talk you into anything. I’m checking in on you like Brody would.”
I try to imagine Brody pausing filming to check on me, especially after I derailed production by not joining the excursion. But I can’t imagine anything close. Brody would prioritize the show and not let anyone, even me, distract him.
“Right,” I say anyway.
“Besides, I could use a break.”
“Really? You make it look so easy.” The observation slips out of my mouth before I can censor it.
“Was that a compliment, Gingersnap?”
“No! I meant how are you so calm about all of this? The excursions and stuff.” The enormous expanse of open water.
He smiles. “Because I do this all the time.”
“Very funny.”
“Then it must be my years in theater. I perfected the art of acting and never had a chance to fully realize my untapped talent until now.”
“You did theater?”
He nods. “I made a very cute tree on multiple occasions. Once, I even got to be a shadow.”
“Trees and shadows? What sort of weird productions were you all doing in high school?”
“No idea. This was elementary school.”
I roll my eyes, biting back a laugh. “And the shadow?”
“A breathtaking rendition of Peter Pan with Brody starring as Peter and me as the spare. I cut my losses with theater after that. Brody continued through middle school until his sports schedule got in the way.”
“Please tell me Brody wore tights.” The idea of Brody, who presents himself as a macho man, in tights is enough to bring me joy.
“He was like seven. We were all wearing tights.”
I stifle a laugh.
“Ah, there’s a smile finally. I was thinking being in my vicinity was enough to anger you.”
“Who said it isn’t?” I ask, but I’m still smiling. Somehow, he’s taken my mind off the whole water thing.
Nate’s stance shifts with his tone. “Listen, I’m supposed to ask you again how you feel about doing the excursion today, even just for a bit. We can share a jet ski.”
My smile immediately drops, but my stomach doesn’t plummet like when we first learned we’d be jet skiing. Now, it’s a choice. Not a great one, but a choice all the same. That’s more palatable.
“I stand by what I said earlier,” Nate continues. “You get to set whatever boundaries you’re comfortable with, and I get to do the same. I just wanted to give you the option to make the call for yourself. No pressure either way.”
There is pressure from Brody, the crew, the thoughts of what a failed season would mean for my career, now that it’s tightly intertwined with Brody’s. There’s a lot of pressure, and Nate is the only one not applying it.
I pinch my locket between my fingers. Sarah. Despite everything that happened, she’d be appalled to see me not seizing such an opportunity. But how can I seize something that could very well seize me?
“I could try getting on, if that’d make a difference?” I run the locket back and forth across its chain. “It stays anchored, though. No turning the thing on or going out into the water! I’m only staying in the shallows. Do you think that’ll be enough?”
I’m not sure what I’m asking. Enough for the crew? Brody? Myself? It doesn’t matter because Nate immediately agrees.
“Whatever you choose to do is plenty.” He holds a hand out in my direction. “Come on, let’s get you a mic and a life vest.”