Chapter Twenty-One #2
Art tells her, in that confident way of his that could almost come across as bragging but never quite does.
He makes his journey from Slow News Day to LA Medic sound like a progression, not a decline.
Honoria looks delighted by him. First Roo, now Honoria Quigley – good Lord, he really can charm anyone.
Once he’s given her his CV, Honoria turns to me and says, ‘And what about you?’
‘Well, I’ve never been to LA.’ I fill her in on my work history. ‘I suppose I owe my career to Northside. That’s the show that made me fall in love with soap operas. And television in general, I guess.’
‘Bernard should count himself lucky to have both of you, but I’m presuming he doesn’t,’ says Honoria. ‘What’s that horrible little worm up to now?’
She makes an excellent audience, scowling when we tell her about our disappearing notes, gasping at the revelation of the doctor’s appointment.
‘I always suspected he had his equivalent of a mob doctor,’ she says.
‘So you believe us?’ says Art. ‘You think Bernard would actually wreck Northside rather than lose control?’
‘I don’t doubt it for a second,’ says Honoria. ‘Not after how he treated me.’ A shadow passes over her face. ‘I loved being in Northside, you know. I always knew Ma Cusack would be the most rewarding role I’d ever play.’
‘Really?’ Art is clearly trying to keep the scepticism out of his voice, and almost succeeds. ‘Even with your theatre work? I mean, you played Mother Courage at the Abbey. And Lear in that all-female version of King Lear.’
Wow, he really has been spending time on Wikipedia.
‘I did,’ says Honoria. She smiles. ‘And I’m well aware that, even at its finest, Northside isn’t the equal of Shakespeare. But being Ma Cusack … being Ma Cusack was always fun. I loved her so much. And the audience loved her too. She made people so happy.’
I feel a lump in my throat. ‘She did.’
‘I never played another role that did that,’ says Honoria.
‘And it may not have been Brecht,’ she fixes Art with a piercing look, ‘but where else in drama do you get to inhabit a character as they grow over the course of years before the audience’s very eyes?
As an actor, that was simply thrilling. There’s nothing else like it.
’ She sighs. ‘I’d go back in a heartbeat, if they ever asked me.
I’d go back tomorrow. But they’d never have me. ’
And when she says those words, something sparks inside my head. A hundred sparks. A thousand sparks.
I know how we might save Northside. Or at least the anniversary episode.
‘I think I have an idea.’
I’m so excited I can’t say anything more until Art says, ‘Go on. Tell us!’
‘Triona Clancy said we needed something big for the anniversary episode that would get people tuning into Northside,’ I say. ‘So what would do that? What would cause a real sensation?’
I pause for dramatic effect, but it clearly doesn’t work because Art says, ‘What would?’
‘The return of Ma Cusack!’ I clap my hands with excitement and look at them both expectantly.
‘Come on, Annie,’ says Art. ‘We can’t do that.’
‘Why not?’ I say.
‘Lots of reasons!’ he says. ‘The first one being Bernard.’
Honoria puts a hand on his arm. ‘Arthur,’ she says, ‘you’re a very charming young man.’
‘He’s not that young,’ I say. Art throws me a look.
‘You’re both children to me,’ says Honoria. ‘Anyway, Arthur, you’re very personable and you’ve done lots of very impressive things, but Annie’s the one who’s worked in soap operas for her entire career. So let’s hear what she has to say.’
I shouldn’t need the validation. I shouldn’t need someone who’s played Lear opposite Fiona Shaw to acknowledge that I know what I’m doing. But it makes me feel better.
And Art says, ‘You’re right. She’s the expert.’ He turns back to me and says, ‘Sorry, Annie. What do you have in mind?’
‘How about …’ I’m thinking on my feet now.
‘How about if Ma Cusack sneaks back into the country and comes into the hospital when Ritchie isn’t there and talks to comatose Paddy.
’ More and more ideas are lighting up in my head.
‘Proper classic Ma Cusack monologues, Honoria, like your amazing solo episode after her husband died. She can look back at her relationship with her son, tell him how much she wishes she could move back to be with her family, how she hopes Paddy wakes up so she can give out to him for getting hit by a car. After all their years of bantering on the show, she can finally just tell him how much she loves him. It could be incredible. It could be so good no one would care that Ritchie’s kidnapping basically happens off camera.
Everyone would just be so happy to get some of that Ma Cusack magic back.
Imagine if IBC announced she was returning for the anniversary.
The ratings would go through the roof.’ I look at them hopefully. ‘What do you think?’
‘I think …’ says Art slowly. ‘I think you’re right, it could be incredible.
But how would we actually do it? I don’t mean the writing,’ he adds hastily.
‘I know you could definitely write it. But how could we film it? Bernard would never agree to it. And we don’t even know if Honoria would do it.
’ He looks at Honoria. ‘Would you do it?’
‘Arthur,’ says Honoria, ‘I’d do anything to play Ma Cusack again, just for a day. But you’re right, Bernard would never allow it – even if he weren’t plotting to sabotage the show.’
They’re right. I know they’re right. But …
‘What if … what if he doesn’t know about it?’ I say.
I suspect Honoria no longer thinks I know what I’m talking about. ‘Darling, Bernard knows everything that goes on at Northside.’
‘But he doesn’t have to,’ I say. ‘He’s not on set for every minute of shooting, right?’
‘He’s not,’ admits Honoria. ‘He’s almost never there unless there’s an emergency.’
‘Des and the rest of the crew, they all hate him,’ I say.
‘And Des said they’d help us in any way they could.
What if … what if we arrange with them to shoot these alternative scenes after hours, without telling Bernard?
It’d only be Ma Cusack and Paddy. We wouldn’t need to involve the rest of the cast.’
‘You’d have to get the actor who plays Paddy to agree,’ says Art. But the fact that he even says this shows he’s taking the idea a little bit seriously.
‘Charlie?’ says Honoria. ‘We’re old pals. He’d say yes if I asked him. Who’s directing the episode?’
‘Um, let me check …’ I look at my script document on my phone. ‘Catherine Manning.’
‘Cathy!’ says Honoria. ‘She must be coming back from London because it’s the anniversary. She’s not one of the Northside regulars anymore so she’s not reliant on the work. Des and I can have a word with her.’
‘But even if we film it, that doesn’t mean Bernard will let IBC broadcast it,’ says Art.
‘So we go over his head,’ I say. ‘We go straight to Triona Clancy after the shoot and tell her we’ve filmed these scenes.
She told us she wants something big. And we all know IBC is under pressure to justify Northside’s existence.
If we present Triona with the return of the most iconic character in Irish television history, instead of an anniversary episode where the main event basically happens off camera, do you really think she’ll side with Bernard over that?
It’s not as if she has a good relationship with him.
At least it’s worth trying.’ I look at them both hopefully.
‘I mean, seriously, what have we got to lose?’
‘Honoria?’ says Art. ‘What do you think?’
Honoria’s grin is pure Ma Cusack. ‘I’ll ring Charlie and Des right now.’
An hour and a half later, Art and I are waving goodbye to Honoria and Maureen. As we drive down the leafy street Art says, ‘Bravo, by the way.’
‘Are you being sarcastic?’ I say.
‘What? No, of course not!’ says Art. ‘You were great. Honoria loved you. And your idea. And rightly so.’
‘Oh.’ I’m still not totally used to Art sincerely praising me. ‘Well, thanks.’
‘We should get going on this top-secret script as soon as possible,’ he says.
‘And finish the official scripts,’ I say, ‘for Bernard and Susan. God, that’s a lot of work.’
With Des on speakerphone, we’d worked out a plan.
Charlie, the actor who plays Paddy, had readily agreed to the scheme (‘Anything to share a screen with you again, Honoria, me auld flower!’).
Des assured us there’d be no problem as far as the crew were concerned (‘The lighting guys always said no one could find her light like Honoria!’) and said he’d talk to the director, Cathy.
We agreed it wasn’t fair to get Cathy involved in the secret shoot itself but he was sure she wouldn’t say anything if we kept filming after she left.
‘I can direct the scenes,’ said Art.
‘Could you?’ I said.
‘Well, yeah,’ says Art. ‘I have directed before, you know.’
‘I know!’ I said. ‘I just … I never thought you’d be directing Northside.’
The plan is to shoot late on Friday afternoon, the last shots of the week.
Because Ma Cusack’s scenes are monologues, she won’t need any other actors to do a run-through – she can just walk straight on set and shoot the scenes as quickly as possible.
If the worst happens and we’re forbidden to air the Ma Cusack scenes, we’ll at least have the official scenes as a backup.
There’s going to be an anniversary episode one way or another.
But the scale of the task facing us is daunting.
We have to get the official scenes finished by Monday, as planned, and then write Honoria’s scenes by Thursday morning to make sure she has time to learn her lines (‘Though we can use an autocue if we really have to,’ says Des).
And those lines have to be good. They have to be better than good. They have to be worthy of Ma Cusack.
‘Where do you want to work now?’ says Art, as he turns the car in the direction of town. ‘Should we go to the office?’