5. The Lies, the Witch, and the Wardrobe…
Hudson
“You don’t thinkthis is a bit much?” I stare at myself in the mirror while Gershwyn and my stylist, Nola, look on.
We’re in the hotel condo in Palo Alto that the studio rented for me, and I’m dressed in a pair of tan slacks, a light blue button-up shirt with a navy cardigan over it, and fake glasses. I crook my left arm and stare down at it. “Leather elbow patches? You didn’t happen to bring a pipe, did you?”
Gersh snort laughs while Nola shoots me a dirty look. “You can’t reinvent your image in the same clothes you wore to convince the world you were a surf bum.”
“But I am a surf bum.”
“Nobody wants to see a sixty-year-old surf bum. That’s just sad,” she says, wrinkling up her nose at the idea.
“I’m thirty-nine.”
“Exactly,” she tells me. “Which means we need to get on this now.”
I give Gershwyn a desperate look, but he just shrugs so I focus on Nola again. “Can we at least lose the reading glasses? I feel ridiculous.”
Nola shakes her head. “It doesn’t matter how you feel. It’s how you look. And you look hot in a very distinguished way.”
“But this whole thing is a lie,” I say, gesturing up and down at myself. “I have perfect vision.”
“But someday, you won’t.”
“And when that day comes, I’ll start wearing readers.”
She blows out a heavy sigh and rolls her eyes. “Look, I don’t need this. I’m the best. I’ve come all the way up to…” She looks at Gershwyn. “Where the hell are we?”
“Silicon Valley.”
“Right, Silicon Valley, to help you reinvent yourself. Do you have any idea what my time—and all these clothes—are costing you?”
“I don’t think I want to know,” I answer.
Gersh shakes his head. “You definitely don’t want to know.”
I wince at him. “That bad?”
He nods, closing his eyes and mouthing, “So bad.”
“Shit,” I mutter, looking at myself again.
“Hudson, listen, I know this is hard for you,” Nola says. “But I also know what I’m doing. I’ve been through this with all the greats—Leo, Brad, George, Matt, Ben, Bradley. And they’ve all gone on to have lucrative and long careers.”
“You’re telling me they all wore fake glasses and elbow patches?”
“No, for each of them, I had to come up with something unique to their circumstances. In your case, with the role you’ve got coming up, we’ve got to start convincing people you’re … what’s the name of your character again?”
“Dr. David Todd,” Gershwyn says.
“Right. We’re going to prime the audience to believe you’re this Todd guy.” Nola sprays some mousse in her palm, then smooshes it into her other hand and starts to work it through my hair. “We show the world a different side of you. It’s a whole dark academia aesthetic thing. It’s massive on TikTok and we’re going to play into that. Trust me, by the time this film comes out, the world will have totally forgotten they ever heard of Beach Cops.” She stands back and smiles at her handiwork. “And, done. Absentminded professor achieved.”
Nola goes into the en suite to wash her hands, leaving Gersh, Oscar, and I alone in the bedroom. I walk over to the bed and pick up Oscar. “I’m going to miss you, buddy. Yes, I am.” I nuzzle his little head with my nose. “Yes, I am.”
Glancing at Gershwyn, I say, “You’ll make sure you walk him twice a day, right?”
“He’ll be fine. You’ve left him with me before and he’s survived.”
“Yeah, but he always looks too skinny when I get back. I don’t think he eats enough,” I say, scratching Oscar’s neck. “And make sure you slice up the baby carrot before you put it in his breakfast. Don’t put it in whole because he could choke on it.”
Rolling his eyes, Gershwyn says, “Hudson, seriously. He’s a dog. I’m a responsible adult. I’ve got this. In fact, I’ll take him for a nice walk before we drive back home.”
Nola comes out of the bathroom and picks up her oversized handbag off the dresser. “All right, in the closet you’ll find the outfits for the photo ops Brittany set up. She’ll text you on the mornings when there’s something happening that you have to be dressed for. Each outfit is carefully labeled. Do not try to mix and match. Don’t deviate from the plan in any way or you’ll ruin everything.”
But no pressure.
Gershwyn glances at his phone. “Looks like the Entertainment Nightly film crew is already at the research facility. They’re going to follow you around for a tour of the place, which will air tonight. Oh, and make sure you park right in front of the building so they can get a shot of you with the Range Rover. We still owe them one more photo op after this.”
“Gotcha. Right in front.”
“Paul said to tell you TMZ will be here twice. You’ll go to the library once, and to the San Francisco opera. It’s in your calendar already. The team can set up a date for you for the opera if you don’t have someone in mind, and if you do, they want you to tell them who so they can vet her first. They want someone with the right image.”
“The tux is in the closet,” Nola adds. “It’s labeled opera night.” She pronounces the words very slowly and clearly, as if this is my first day speaking English.
“Okay, got it,” I tell her.
She reaches up and adjusts my hair a little. “Listen, people are sheep. It’s terrifyingly easy to convince the public of anything. If they see you doing even a couple of these highbrow, smartypants things, they’ll actually believe you have your PhD.”
The three of us walk to the door of the condo and I open it for her. “Thanks, Nola.”
She turns to me. “I know you’re nervous about this, but trust me, when I’m through with you, they’ll be offering you a Nobel Prize in Science or whatever.” She glances at her oversized watch, then claps her hands together. “Chop! Chop! You’re not going to get any publicity standing here.”
Gersh and I both jump a little, and I hold up one hand. “Okay, I’ll be down in thirty seconds. I just need to have a quick chat with Gersh before I go.”
She rolls her eyes. “Your little wiener dog will be fine. Besides, if he’s not, you’ll make enough off this movie to buy a whole litter of them.”
Screwing up my face in disgust, I pull Oscar a little closer to my chest. “What?”
“Ugh, dog people are so sensitive,” she mutters. “I’m going to go down to my car. I picked up some pastries from an adorable Italian bakery this morning for you to take with you. Obviously, you need to take credit for it so we can get you on camera being thoughtful and charming,” she says. “And hurry up. You’re keeping people waiting which is neither thoughtful nor charming.”
I let go of the door and it swings closed slowly while I say, “See you in a minute.”
As soon as the door is shut, I turn to Gersh, my gut tightening at the thought of going to the research facility. “I have a really bad feeling about this. Maybe I should turn it down.”
“It’s only six weeks,” Gersh tells me. “And you’re not going to a war zone. You’ll be hanging out with some nerds. You’ll be fine. Oscar will be fine. It’s all going to be okay, Hud. I promise.”
I feel myself breaking out in a cold sweat under my triple layers of professor dress-up clothes. “It won’t be okay, Gersh. I know it. This is … not for me.”
“Dude, it’s exactly for you. It’s an opportunity for you to stretch your wings a little. Try something new. Prove to yourself that you’re smarter than you think.”
“But I’m not.”
“You are. Trust me. You can learn anything you set your mind to. All you have to do is set it to astronomy.”
“Yeah, sure,” I say sarcastically. “Maybe when I’m done with this film, I can shadow a brain surgeon, maybe try my hand at that too.”
He reaches out and gently takes Oscar from me. “You’re going to be great. The people there will be very nice to you.”
“How do you know?”
“Because people are always nice to you. You’re rich and famous,” he says. “Now, get going before Nola comes back up here. She scares the shit out of me.”
“Fine,” I tell him, rubbing the bridge of my nose under my fake glasses. “But this is the stupidest thing I’ve ever done.”
Oh God. I’m here. The SETI Research Institute. The camera crew clearly has been informed that I’m pulling up because they’re already filming. Crap, they sent Josie Pedlar to follow me around. She’s the worst. She’s always hitting on me.
I pull into a stall in front of the white, three-story building, get out of the truck and pick up the large white box of pastries Nola bought. Plastering my best famous actor smile on, I shut the door and nod at the crew. “Hey guys!”
“Hi, Hudson,” Josie says, striding over to me. “Oh, great look! You’ve got that whole naughty professor thing going on. The glasses? Love it. Very hot.”
Yuck. “Thanks. You look really lovely today. Did you do something different with your hair?”
Her eyes light up. “I had it colored one shade darker. I can’t believe you noticed!”
The sound guy, Chuck, walks over and holds up a tiny microphone.
Smiling at him, I say, “Hey, Chuck. How’s the little one?”
“Growing like a freaking weed,” he tells me, lifting the back of my cardigan and clipping the battery pack to my pant waist. “And we’ve got another one on the way—a girl this time.”
“Really? Congratulations,” I answer while I stand still and let him clip the mic to my shirt collar. “When’s the baby due?”
“In May. We’re pretty excited.”
“Okay, Chuck, you done?” Josie asks, giving him the ‘get lost’ look.
“Yup, we’re all set.”
“So, Hudson,” she says, taking my arm and walking toward the building. “We’ll stop in front of the doors, I’ll intro the segment and ask you a couple of questions, then you open the door and welcome the viewers inside to get a look for themselves. The SETI team has a few of their best geeks waiting in the lobby to greet us. We want it all to be very natural. We’ll just be a fly on the wall.”
“Great.” Not great. Not great at all. I so badly don’t want to do this.
We stop in front of the sign next to the main doors and the bright light of the camera blinds me. I smile at it while Josie, who is standing next to me, says, “Josie Pedlar, here with Hudson Finch, who is looking very dapper today, I must say. Hudson, tell the audience at home where we are.”
“We’re here in beautiful Mountain View at the SETI Research Institute, where I’ll be preparing for my most important role yet.”
“Cool,” she says. “What’s the role?”
“I’ll be playing famed astronomer Dr. David Peck Todd.”
“He can’t be that famous. I’ve never heard of him,” she says with a light laugh.
I laugh along as though that was the funniest thing I’ve ever heard.
“Tell us a little about him, Hudson.”
Shit. My mind has just gone completely blank. “Oh, I don’t want to accidentally reveal any spoilers.”
“Okay … so, what made you want to play an astronomer on the hunt for aliens?”
I narrow my eyes, going for a thoughtful look. “Well, Josie, I’ve always been fascinated with space. Ever since I was a child, and…” I glance at the sign behind her that reads: SETI Research Institute. Are We Alone? “I’ve always wanted to know the answer to one of the greatest mysteries of the universe. Are we alone?”
“No, I don’t think we are,” she says, looking confused. “I mean, we’re literally standing here with several other people, so right there you can tell we’re not alone.”
Okkaayy… I might not be the dumbest person here. “I think the question refers to whether humans are alone in the universe.”
She laughs. “Oh, that. Right. No, obviously not. There are animals all over the place.”
I open my mouth to further explain, then close it. No point.
“Speaking of animals, how’s little Oscar doing?”
“He’s great,” I tell her. “He’ll be with my brother Gersh while I’m here studying.”
“He’s the world’s most adorable little dog,” she squeals. Turning to the camera, she says, “Seriously people, if you haven’t seen Hudson’s dog, look him up right now. His little face.” Clutching her heart, she says, “Oh, he just kills me with his cuteness.” She winks at me. “Kind of like his owner.”
So, so awkward. “Ha! Why don’t we go inside and meet the team?”
I pull open the door with my free hand and step to the side to let Josie in. I follow her, knowing the crew will want the shot of me walking in from that angle. As soon as my eyes adjust to the indoor lighting, I see a group of people standing off to the left, near the reception desk.
“Hi there,” I say, offering them a wave and a big grin. I walk over and shake the hand of the nearest person, an older woman with short gray hair who’s dressed in a pantsuit that looks a bit too small for her. She grins at me awkwardly, and I can tell she’s nervous. “I’m Tina. Senior engine.” She shakes her head and grimaces. “Engineer. I’m a senior engineer.”
I offer her a warm smile, hating how nervous this all seems to be making her. “It’s wonderful to meet you, Tina.”
“Thanks, you too,” she says, wiping a bit of sweat off her forehead. “I’ve never been on television before.”
Lowering my voice, I say, “Don’t worry. You’re doing really well.”
“Really? Because I told you I was an engine just now,” she says, shaking her head again.
“They’ll cut that part,” I say with a little wink.
She points to the older gentleman next to her. “This is Dr. Keenan Edwards. He’s the head honcho around here.”
I shake his hand. “Oh, my new boss,” I say with a little chuckle that makes me hate myself. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, sir.”
“Same to you. I really enjoyed you in that film about the secret service guy.” It was a bodyguard for a princess, but close enough.
“Thank you, I appreciate that.”
A guy around my age sticks out his hand. “I’m Chad. I’m the number two here, so I guess I’m sort of also your boss.”
I laugh, even though I can tell he definitely thinks he’s my boss. “Nice to meet you, Chad.”
“You too. I enjoyed your film about the bank heist, but I do have to say there’s no way the amount of dynamite you used would actually blow the door off a Trident 670,” he says. “That was pretty far-fetched.”
Oh great, so now I know who the giant douche canoe of the team is. “Ah, well, part of the fun of going to the movies is to suspend your disbelief.”
“It certainly is,” Dr. Edwards says. “Hudson, I’d like you to meet Allie.”
He points to the young woman next to him, and when I look over at her, I’m dumbstruck for a second. She’s gorgeous. And I mean gorgeous. Dark brown eyes and lovely high cheekbones. Her bottom lip is fuller than the top one, giving her a pouty look without her having to pout. She’s dressed in a white button-up shirt and black wide-legged dress pants. Her brown hair is up off her neck in a messy bun and she looks like she just got out of bed, but in a good way. “Hi.”
“Hi, Allie,” I say, smiling at her as I watch her cheeks flush a little. I hold out my hand and when she takes it, I want to lift it to my lips instead of shake it, even though a) I never do that because it’s totally cheesy, and b) it would be completely inappropriate because this is a work thing. God, her skin is soft. Like buttery soft.
“It’s nice to meet you,” she says, glancing down at our hands.
Shit. I’m still holding her hand, aren’t I? Let go. You need to let go.
Not letting go. Oh, she did it for me. Well, that’s just humiliating.
“Allie’s a radio astronomer,” Dr. Edwards puts in. “You’ll be shadowing her while you’re here.”
I get to shadow her? Sweet! “Great! That is … great news.”
Her eyes flick down to the floor and for a brief second she looks upset, but then she smiles up at me again and nods. “Yes, I hope I’ll be able to help you out.”
Something about the way she says it tells me she doesn’t actually want to help me at all. “I’m sure you will.” I glance down at the box of pastries I’m still holding, feeling super awkward all of a sudden. “I brought some treats for everyone. They’re from a cute little Italian bakery near my condo.”
I go to hand them to Allie, but Chad snatches them up while Dr. Edwards says, “How thoughtful of you.”
“It was nothing,” I tell him, hating myself for being such a phony.
“Oh, Allie, look,” Dr. Edwards says. “These are from your parents’ bakery!”
Allie’s eyes light up. “Really? They must have been shocked when you came in.”
“Um, well, you know.” I shrug modestly, but even as I’m doing it, I realize she’s going to figure out I was never there. But I can hardly tell the truth now, can I? Not with the cameras rolling.
“I hope you brought lots of cannolis,” Chad says. “They’re my favorite.”
I have no freaking clue what I brought. “It’s … all good stuff. Everything looks amazing.”
“You’ll have to fight Virgil for them,” Tina tells him, and they all laugh.
Josie clears her throat. “Okay, well, how about we start the tour?”
“Great idea,” I tell her.
Tina takes the box from Chad. “I’m going to take these to the lunchroom. I’ve already done the tour.”
“Let’s have just Dr. Edwards take us around, okay?” Josie says, glancing at Allie. “It gets a little unruly when there are too many people in the shot.”
Allie glances at her watch. “Sounds good. Great to meet you,” she says before spinning on her heel and disappearing down the hall.
Crap. She’s probably going to call her parents, only to find out I’m a big, fat liar.
Way to make a good first impression, jackass…