5. Chapter 5
Chapter 5
Ginny
We’ve been here for four days now. I’ve talked to my mom, dad, Davis, Trish, and Lottie. Oh, and then Davis and my dad again. And then Davis would call yet again. I think he might be starting to freak out about the baby. The one who should be here any day now. No one has said a word about me walking away from my wedding or what the town is saying. I think that’s on purpose.
Joker has been a perfect gentleman, leaving me to do my own thing while he does whatever he does on his laptop. I’ve spent every morning out on the deck with my coffee, watching the world come alive, wondering if I really have to go back. I’m allowing the time to live with and in my feelings. It’s something I learned to do after my attack. The thing is, I know with every fiber of my being that something is going to happen when I go back, but not what or when.
Joker filled me in on everything that first night, including his thoughts that Keith might have been leaving town instead of racing to the church. He also told me about what Davis said and Keith preying on the sympathies of the female nurses in the hospital. He’s been asking the other guys he works with for info on Keith, but he won’t tell me anything more without solid proof, which he doesn’t have.
My entertainment has been watching Joker come up with creative cursing at the table in the kitchen area when he doesn’t get the information he wants while I read a book on my phone. I’ve found a sub-genre on runaway brides and have been enjoying the hell out of some of those romance books.
I know I’ve been awkward around Joker, but I don’t know what to say to him. ‘ Thank you for taking care of me when I was having my episode’ doesn’t seem adequate or appropriate when I’m not sure I want to thank him. I’m still mortified that he cut off my fucking clothes and saw me in that state of undress.
I didn’t use to be like this. I haven’t always been so insecure. Hell, I used to be proud of my curves. I embraced my fat as a part of me and thought I was good. Somewhere along the way, I let others convince me that I’m not worth looking at with the lights on. Not worth sleeping with when the lights are on. And that I’m not worth spending time with when the lights are on. But the further I am from Keith, the more I see how the last two years have been nothing but manipulation and gaslighting. Emotionally abusive before it became physical.
How did I get to this place? What am I going to do now? If it all goes bad, do I have what it takes to leave town? Find a new job? I don’t think I’m strong enough to do that.
“You sure are thinking awfully hard this early in the morning,” Joker says, coming up beside me and flopping down in the chair next to mine on the deck.
“Just wondering what happens now,” I tell him, turning my head in his direction.
“Tell me.”
“Just worried about moving back in with the parents. And what happens at work when I have to see Keith?”
“Well, the move is short term until you can find somewhere better, and you punch his fucking face in.”
I giggle at the thought. “Yeah, okay.”
“Seriously, though. You continue relaxing here until you get the call that you’re going to be an aunt. We haul ass back to town, and you spend the summer enjoying the baby.”
“I’m going to be an aunt.” I sigh with equal parts happiness and disappointment.
“Why do you look like you’re in pain?”
I snap my eyes up to meet his. How does he read me so well? Without much thought, I answer honestly. I always seem to be too honest with him. “Just thinking about things I’ll never have.”
“Wanna talk about it?”
“Not really.”
“You sure?”
“I don’t really know what to say.”
“Whatever you want without giving it much thought. Go unfiltered.”
I look at him and say the words I haven’t said out loud in so long. “I can’t have kids.”
I’ve faced my truth, and usually, I’m okay with it. Today it’s just hitting me hard. I look at Joker, expecting the shock, surprise, disgust, and other things I’ve gotten from every man I’ve told since the incident, but he surprises me.
“That sucks. What happened?” No reaction, no inching away from me like it might be contagious.
“I was…attacked. In New York my freshman year.”
“Go on,” he encourages.
“They stabbed me. And, well, they fucked up my ability to have kids.”
“Sorry to hear that.” He looks at me for a minute, an understanding in his eyes I’m not used to seeing. “You know there’s more than one way to have kids if you want them.”
“I know.” I smile. “And I’d never walk away from an opportunity. I’m absolutely not opposed to adoption or fostering, and never have been. But I’m a single woman. Nobody’s going to grant me an adoption. And now, I don’t qualify to be a foster parent.”
“You don’t know that.”
“What do you know about it?”
“I happen to know that I grew up in the home of a fabulous single woman who I still call Mom to this day.”
I turn my whole body to face him, shock all over my face. “You were adopted?”
“Worse.” He smirks. “Foster care.”
I stare at him, words gone from my brain.
“I was placed in care when I was three. First in a group home and I was there for a little while, but I don’t remember much about it. I was put with Mom when I was five.”
“Joker, I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry,” he waves me off, “I’m not. I had a wonderful life because of that woman.”
“What’s her name?”
“Annie.”
“That’s a lovely name.”
“She’s a lovely woman.”
“But how? How was she able to get approved?”
“The system is overrun, and they need people who are willing to take in older kids for long-term placements. You’re only cute for so long, and then it’s short-term placements while parents get their shit together or group homes. The ones who only want the teens? I don’t trust many of them. They want servants—maids and babysitters, or a check. Some want worse. I wasn’t old enough for that yet. And Annie wanted to help all the kids who needed the most care, love, and attention. She had an abundance of it all to give.”
“Were you her only kid?”
“Oh, no. Over the years, she had quite a few come through. All of us older. She said she drew the line at diapers unless it was a medical issue. She was an RN and would take in the special needs kids when she could. But almost all of them came and went. Found relatives they could be shipped off to or were even reunited with their parents. I still talk to a few. I was the only one who stayed until I was eighteen, and for my birthday, I asked if I could have her last name. Made it happen as soon as we could after that.”
“Do you know anything about your parents?”
“I know they weren’t worth knowing. They couldn’t take care of me and didn’t want me. Their families didn’t want me, so I didn’t want them. Annie gave me a great life. She encouraged me to get good grades and play sports. She worked hard to make sure I never lacked for anything, and the minute I could, I started repaying the favor.”
“What did you do?”
“I might have gone behind her back and paid off her mortgage.”
“That’s sweet, Joker.”
“She might have had a car show up in her name.”
“You know, under that tough-guy exterior with the terrifying face you make at me sometimes, you just might be a big ol’ softy.”
“I terrify you?” He looks at me with an emotion I can’t name in his eyes, like maybe the thought of me being terrified of him upsets him.
“Joker. That ‘you’re going to listen to what I say because I’m saying it and there isn’t another option’ look you have? Yeah, it’s pretty terrifying. I think you might have even made Lottie pee her pants a little when you gave it to her. This can’t be news to you.”
My response seems to make him relax a little and the smallest of smirks escapes, his eyes crinkling at the memory.
“Okay, yeah. Maybe. Back to you. Did they catch who hurt you?”
I nod, the ball of emotion in my throat reminding me I might never completely get over what happened. “There were cameras, and they got the two men involved with them. I spent a lot of time in the hospital and as soon as I was stable, Dad swooped in and brought me home. Had a therapist on call twenty-four-seven for me. I hardly remember any of it. Like I’ve repressed it or something.”
“That can happen. I’ve done the same a couple of times.” Knowing some of what he did while he was in the army, I would imagine he has.
I smile at him, the moment heavy in our own memories.
He returns my smile and stands, grabbing our empty cups. “Top off.” He goes inside and I’m left to marvel at this man who keeps himself hidden from others so much of the time.
He’s fiercely loyal, quietly working behind the scenes to make sure the people he loves are safe and protected. How did someone who grew up like he did turn out to be such a good man? He keeps it hidden under a layer of grumpy asshole, but he has a huge heart. I think I’d like to meet his mom, Annie, and thank her for making sure he turned out to be my Joker. Our Joker . Not mine. Never mine.
“I’d love to meet Annie one day,” I tell him when he returns with fresh coffee for the both of us.
“Maybe. She doesn’t live too far away.”
“Really? Where?”
“She’s down in Rock Hill. The guys I’m working with keep an eye on her for me.”
“If she’s so close, how did you end up here when you got out of the army?”
“I, uh, didn’t think I could go home. I wasn’t in a good place. I couldn’t control my life and I didn’t want her to see me like that.”
“I’m sorry. I also understand that.”
He gives me a small smile and a nod of acknowledgement. “I knew Sarge was here and I would be close enough.”
“You found someone else—”
“That likes to take in strays?” We laugh. “Something like that. Sarge did for all of us what Annie did for me, and now that the grown men are mostly right in the head, him and Rosie are really stepping up for the kids who need some extra love and attention here.”
“You know I help them sometimes with music therapy for some of the kids, and any of their kids who want them, get free music lessons.”
“Sarge told me about that. I spend a lot of weekends and late nights out there. Sometimes all they need is validation that they exist.”
“And that they matter to someone. That’s all any of us really want, isn’t it?”
We continue talking about Sarge’s unofficial kids and how music can help. He asks about my schedule at school in the fall, and I try to ask him about his job, but he doesn’t tell me much. He does give me the details about how he knows my dad. And how Dad knows his full, real name.
“You sometimes work with my dad, who knows the lawyer you work with down the range, and that’s how you met?” I sum up what he told me.
“Pretty much.”
“That doesn’t explain how he knows your full name.”
“Oh, that’s because he helped me purchase this place.” He waves around the room. “We use it for work sometimes.”
“This is a tax write off?”
“Something like that.” He chuckles. Sigh, that sound is like angels singing. “Sometimes when we get the families out, we need a few days to get their paperwork and stuff taken care of.”
“So you use this place as like a safe house?”
“That’s exactly what it is. They feel safe, we can keep them protected, and it’s not cramming them all into a hotel room with no security.”
“And that’s all my dad does for you? Facilitate real estate?”
He squints his eyes at me. “What do you know?”
“Things. I know he does more than real estate and contracts.”
“It’s amazing the relationship you have with your dad versus the one Davis seems to have with him.”
“Well, yeah. Some of that is because they are so alike. They butted heads a lot when Davis was younger. But have you met Davis? Until he met you all, there was no middle ground for him—ever. Everything was black and white. Right and wrong. And Dad was doing dad things. So he started removing himself from parts of Davis’s life. I’ve tried to get them to talk to each other, but it’s so ingrained to avoid each other, that’s what they still do.”
“That’s kind of sad.”
“It is. But he would rather be the silent parent who is still aware of what’s going on than be completely removed from his life.”
“One of them has to budge at some point, right?”
“I don’t know. Hopefully, one day? And he’s always been a mama’s boy and I’ve always been daddy’s princess.”
“I can see that.” He grins at me.
“Hey!” I smack his arm, laughing. “Don’t be mean.”
“Sorry, sorry! What is the plan when you go back? I know your dad’s been calling you about it.”
“The plan is that I will be a twenty-seven-year-old woman living back at her parents’ house in her childhood bedroom. They’ve already moved me out of the townhouse.”
“They moved you? Like went in and packed your stuff?”
“Uh-huh.” I cringe, hoping they just picked up the bedside table whole. Fuck, I’ll need to place an order again to replace Bob, won’t I?
“That’s rough. I’m sorry.”
“Short term. I’ll find a new place as quickly as possible and move right back out.”
“Wasn’t the townhouse yours?”
“Originally, yes. But when Keith moved in, he demanded his name be put on the lease and I did because I was a fool.”
“You’re not a fool.”
“But I am. You can say it. I wasted two fucking years of my life with him and for what? What do I have to show for it? New insecurities? Lack of trust? Fear that every man out there is just like him and all the ones who came before? The very possible reality that I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life living with her mommy and daddy?”
“Not even close, Gin. Not every man is going to be like that. You just have to find your perfect match.”
He reaches over and squeezes my knee, giving me comfort. But all it does is send electric bolts up my leg and into a part of me that hasn’t felt anything for two years.
“Logically, I know what you say is true. Rationally, too. But my brain? My heart? They only know what they’ve experienced.”
“Well, we’ll just have to alter your experiences.”
I’m about to ask him what that means when both of our phones start dinging like crazy.
Davis : It’s time. Taking Trish to the hospital. Time to have a baby!
Trish : He means it. It’s really time!
The texts are still dinging in from the rest of the group when I look at Joker.
“Looks like it’s time to go! Grab your stuff and let’s hit the road.” He stands, pulling me up with him.
Oh, my gosh, it’s baby Mills time!