Chapter 33
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
JACE
Dr. Grey sits on the table in front of me, cocking her head as her eyeball rolls around, almost like she’s trying to scan me. Her head tilts slowly, moving back to a neutral position before it slowly starts to tilt again.
“Why does her eye look like that?”
I look at Liam standing next to me. Harrison pulls one of the other chairs out, the feet dragging across the floor before he lowers himself onto it.
“She had a really bad infection when she was a kitten.”
Liam looks away from me, staring directly at Dr. Grey’s eyeball. “Is it ever going to get better?”
“No,” I say, shaking my head as I glance at Harrison, who’s got Snoop on his lap.
He scratches behind her ear, not paying any attention to me, although he’s undoubtedly listening to every word I say to his son.
“They treated it as best as they could when she had the infection. They think she can see shapes and shadows, so she still has some use of her vision.”
His eyebrows tug together as he slowly inches his hand closer, stopping directly in front of Dr. Grey’s face. He’s laser focused on her and he waves it back and forth. The cat doesn’t move. She doesn’t even blink. “I don’t think she can see anything.”
“She can, I promise.” I chuckle as I rise to my feet, turning away from the table to grab my drink from the counter. Liam stares hard at her for a few more seconds before he spins around and heads back into the living room, where he abandoned the toys he was playing with.
My footsteps are slow as I walk back over to the table, a frown tugging on my lips as I look at Harrison.
Snoop isn’t on his lap anymore. Instead, Harrison is hunched over, elbows planted on the table with his forearms resting against the cool surface.
His gaze is focused on his hands as he traces the patterns in the wood, like he can’t figure out what he’s supposed to do with himself.
He doesn’t look right sitting here like that. Not because he doesn’t belong inside my house or anything. He’s just not himself. This isn’t the Harrison I’ve known since I was a kid.
This is the broken version.
Glancing through the doorway that leads into the living room, I see Liam sitting in the middle of the room on the rug by the couch, clearly having given up trying to play with Dr. Grey.
He has an old basket of toys my mother must have saved from when I was a kid and he’s digging inside it, pulling out different dinosaurs and cars.
Turning back to the fridge, I grab a bottle of water for Harrison and carry it over to the table, setting it in front of him. I asked him earlier if he wanted a beer and he turned down the offer.
“You okay?” I ask, my words quiet as I lower myself back down into my seat.
Harrison lets out a ragged breath that sounds like half a laugh and half like he’s being strangled.
“I just signed papers for an apartment and had a meeting with a divorce attorney. Asking me if I’m okay is like asking someone who’s standing in the center of their house as it burns to the ground if they’re comfortable. ”
I snort, but there’s no humor in it. “Fair enough.”
He lifts his head and rubs his fingers against his forehead before he drags his tired hands down the length of his face.
His eyelids slowly lift, revealing his bloodshot eyes and dark circles beneath.
“I don’t blame her for any of this,” he admits, his voice barely audible.
He falls silent for a moment, shaking his head.
“Enough about me. Earlier you said you wanted my advice on something?”
Swallowing hard, I nod my head. “It’s about Willow.”
Harrison lifts a brow. “You want advice from someone who’s on their way out of a failed marriage?”
A chuckle rumbles in my chest. “Well, actually. That’s why I want your advice. You know what not to do.”
He lets out a rough, low laugh, but it’s real and not forced. “Fair point.” He lifts his bottle of water, twisting off the top before he takes a sip. “So, what’s going on? You haven’t said much about her recently.”
“I’ve been—” I pause, scratching at the back of my neck as my mind plays over our last conversation. I shouldn’t have let her walk away, regardless of that being what she wanted. I should have stopped her right then and told her the truth.
I let her walk away and now, I feel like I’m fucking stuck.
“I tried to push her away, like I normally do, except she kind of flipped the script on me and she was the one who walked away.”
Harrison lifts a brow. “No way. She beat you at your own game.”
“Noah found out about us and after talking to him, it just made me really think about things.” I pause, letting out an exhale. “She scares the hell out of me.”
He chuckles quietly. “You? Scared? This is a first. You don’t even let anyone get close enough for that to be a possibility.”
“It’s not a bad scared,” I explain, the words tumbling from my lips. “It’s just different. Every time I’m around her, I feel like I can’t hide anything. Like she sees me—really sees me—and it’s terrifying.”
Harrison stares at me. “But why?”
I chew on the inside of my cheek for a moment, dropping my gaze down to my hands as I pick at a small chip in the wood table.
“What if she sees something she doesn’t like?
” I say, my voice quiet as I lift my gaze.
“What if she realizes I’m not who she thinks I am?
That I’m not good enough or steady enough or whatever the hell she thinks she sees in me. ”
Sucking in a deep breath, I blow it out in a long exhale, shaking my head. “My mom thinks I need to tell her the truth and I can’t help but feel like I’m setting myself up for failure again. Like I’m going to disappoint her in one way or another.”
Harrison’s gaze rakes across my face as he takes a second to study me. Slowly, he nods his head. “Yeah, that checks out,” he says, pursing his lips. “You’re panicking in advance.”
“What?” I question him, swiftly shaking my head. “No, I’m not panicking.”
Harrison snorts and laughs softly. “Yeah, you’re definitely panicking.”
Defeat tugs my shoulders downwards and I let out a sigh. “Okay, maybe I am.”
Adjusting in his seat, he interlaces his fingers, slipping them behind his head as he sits back in his chair. “You think being afraid means you’re failing already, but fear usually means something else.”
My brow furrows. “Like what?”
“That she matters,” he says simply.
My heart pounds a bit harder in my chest as my stomach does a somersault.
Harrison leans forward, dropping his hands as he takes a sip of his water.
He’s silent for a moment, staring at the bottle like it holds all the answers either of us could ever need.
“You know, when things with Erin and I started to get bad, there was a point where I realized I wasn’t afraid of it falling apart anymore.
” The muscle in his jaw tightens as his eyes flick to mine.
“That was the moment I knew it was over.”
I stare back at him and his gaze is unwavering. His eyes are tired, but there’s a hardness, like something has sharpened him.
“So, the fact that you’re terrified?” He twists the lid back onto his bottle. “That says something.”
Another exaggerated sigh slips from me as I prop my elbows on the table and rest my head against my hands. “I don’t want to fuck any of this up.”
“You’re going to at some point. Hell, you already did,” he says with a bluntness that hits me in the center of my chest.”
I narrow my eyes on him. “Gee, thanks for that boost of confidence.”
He lifts his shoulders and lets them fall. “Everyone does. What actually matters is how you show up after. Are you going to fix it? Will you keep trying? Will you show up for her, for both of you, and refuse to give up?” He tips his head to the side. “That’s what really matters.”
My lips part to argue, but I shut them, swallowing back my words as I slowly nod. “You’re right.”
Annoyingly right.
Liam comes wandering back into the room and straight up to Harrison, who sits back in his seat so Liam can crawl into his lap. Liam looks over at me. “Do you have any snacks?”
I blink, his question rattling my brain. “Uh, yeah. What do you want?”
He hums while he thinks. “Do you have pretzels?”
“I think I might.” I smile, pushing up from my seat to walk over to the pantry. There’s an open bag on the shelf and I grab it, bringing it over to the table. Liam moved from Harrison’s lap to sit on the seat next to him. “Here you go, bud.”
He takes them from me with a thank you as he unclips the top and unravels the back. My mind is still tangled in the conversation as I sit back down next to Harrison.
Harrison grabs a handful of pretzels and pops one into his mouth. “You know, you’re already talking like she’s yours to lose.”
My entire body falls rigid as his words seep into my veins. An ache builds inside my chest, festering beneath my ribcage, wrapping itself around my heart. It’s the same sensation I’ve felt every day since I let her walk away.
The fear and the hope. The way I just want to hear her voice or feel her in my arms again.
My eyes widen, the muscle in my jaw tightening. “Shit,” I whisper.
Harrison cocks his head to the side. “What?”
“Shit,” I breathe out, whispering the word a little louder this time. I swallow. Hard. “I’m in love with her.”
Harrison’s face softens and a slow, tender smile creeps across his face. “There it is. Took you long enough to realize.”
My heart hammers again in my chest. “I love her.”
Liam lifts his head, looking over at me as he scoots closer to Harrison and rests his head on his arm. “Are you talking about a girl?” he asks, not missing a beat.
“Yeah, bud,” I say, letting out a quiet laugh.
He stares at me for a moment. “Is she pretty?”
Harrison chuckles, shaking his head.
“Yeah,” I nod, my voice quiet. “She’s really pretty.”
He’s quiet for a moment, his eyebrows drawn together as he looks past me, like he’s deep in thought. His concentration breaks after a few seconds and he looks at me with a confident stare. “Then tell her.”
Harrison’s face cracks and he breaks out into laughter, the somber expression that’s been on his face for the last few weeks cracking. He moves his arm, wrapping it around Liam to pull him close. “You’re a smart kid, you know that?”
Liam looks up at his father, his lips stretching wide as he beams. He hugs him back before pulling away to head back to the container of toys.
Harrison’s laughter fades as a ghost of a smile dances across his lips. “Damn kids and the things they say.”
Dragging a hand down my face, I shake my head. “Maybe he’s right. Maybe I should tell her.”
“There’s no maybe about it,” he says, his voice losing its teasing edge.
It falls quieter, steadier. “Life is short, man. Some people leave even when they promised they wouldn’t.
” He turns in his seat, glancing over to the living room where Liam is just inside the doorway.
There’s a heaviness that hangs in the air as he turns back to look at me.
“If you think you’ve got a shot at something real with her, don’t waste it. ”
Something catches in my throat and I swallow hard over it. “I’m afraid.”
“Good,” he says slowly, dipping his chin. “That means that to you, it is something real.”
I sit with his words, a lightness drifting through the room, mixing with the heaviness of the moment. His words sink in and I finally nod. “Okay, I’ll tell her.”
“I meant to ask, what did Noah have to say about everything?”
It’s a sharp reminder, like a dagger to my chest. “He wasn’t exactly happy. I need to talk to him too.”
Harrison gives me a thoughtful nod. “I think you should. You guys have been friends forever. If you want something real with his sister, you need to repair whatever was broken between the two of you as well.”
I blow out a breath, running my hand through my hair. “I have quite the list of things to fix.”
“At least you can still fix them.” A soft, sad smile lifts his lips. “You’re showing up and that’s what matters.”
“What if it doesn’t go well with either of them?”
Harrison silently stares at me for a moment. “It will,” he says, nodding his head as he pushes his chair back and rises to his feet. “You just need to have some hope, and trust yourself with your feelings.”
He’s right.
I’ve been at war with myself for years over the way I’ve felt for Willow. I’ve tried to ignore them, to pretend they don’t exist. I’ve tried to keep her at arms length and then after letting her in, I tried to push her away.
I’m done being afraid.
I know what I want and it’s her.
It’s always been her.