Chapter 3 Nathan
Nathan
We have a bed.
I'm still having trouble believing it.
Of course Dex would somehow know exactly what we needed and wanted before we would. This bed is a new beginning. It's everything.
"One day," Andy says as he dries off the last dish, "I'm going to get a really good job so Dex can let me take care of things for a change."
My chest squeezes at his words. I feel the same way Andy does. Wanting to one day pay back Dex for all he sacrifices for us.
I pull the ice cream out of the freezer and open both tubs.
After scooping some of each into a bowl for Dex, I grab three spoons and hand one to Andy.
His smile is back to being permanently affixed to his face.
An hour ago, I was worried he'd say something he couldn't take back.
Seth was just a loser with a hard-on for my brother.
Nothing more. Andy doesn't need friends when he has the two best ones in the world.
Andy starts through the trailer toward the bedroom, a bounce in his step that makes his hair bounce.
I love Andy's hair this way. Sometimes, when he's sleeping, I run my fingers through it.
He doesn't care. I've always had a thing for touching his hair.
I often wonder if I like touching my brothers a little too much.
Sickness roils in my gut at that thought.
It makes me think I'm a twisted fuck like Dad.
Normal people don't have thoughts like I sometimes do. Thoughts I couldn't voice aloud even if someone had a gun pointed at my temple.
We make it into our bedroom and the sight steals my breath.
A bed.
The Love trips finally have a bed big enough for the three of them.
Andy pounces on the bed, making it bounce, and then presses his ice cream container to Dex's chest. His eyes snap open in a comical way that has me and Andy cracking up with laughter.
Dex's annoyance is chased off with a two-dimpled grin that makes my heart twist violently in my chest. I crawl into bed next to Dex, leaning my back against the wall, and hand him his bowl.
Andy scoots his ass off him, but leaves one leg dangling over our brother.
Dex sits up, but doesn't shove away Andy's leg.
It makes me wish I were touching Dex too.
So, I do.
I run my fingers over his buzzed head, gently scratching at his scalp. He lets out a contented sigh. We eat our ice cream silently aside from our appreciative moans. This is quite possibly the best day of my entire life.
"You can't have the middle every time," Andy tells me. "I get cold too."
"We'll take turns," Dex offers, turning his head to glance up at me. His lips wrap around his spoon as he bites off some cookies and cream ice cream. Heat floods through me, forcing my gaze elsewhere.
"You okay?" Dex's voice drips with concern as he touches my thigh with his knuckle. "You're happy, right? About this? This is okay?"
This is why I love my brothers so much.
Dad took so much from me, but they give all they can back.
Their concern for my emotional well-being has been what's navigated me through the stormiest times in my life.
I don't know if all brothers are this way or if it's just a Love trips thing.
Whatever it is, I'm thankful to have them in my life.
"So happy," I admit. "The happiest I've ever been." It's the truth. "This is all I ever wanted."
A safe, warm home.
Love and shelter and food.
And laughter.
We're finally finding our way out of hell.
I'm not going to fuck it all up by entertaining my strange urges—desires that were most likely born of the sick shit Dad did. I know he mentally fucked me over by the terrible things he did to me for years.
Instead of thinking about the horrors of my past, I drink in my present. Andy's laugh. Dex's comforting presence. Our bed.
We have a bed.
Holy shit.
Once we've finished our ice cream and cleaned up, we all crawl back into bed like it's the coolest thing we've ever done.
This time, Dex ends up in the middle. I selfishly curl up against him, needing his strength burning into me like a furnace.
Absently, I touch his abs. His breath hitches.
I pause, wondering if I should move my hand, but he doesn't say anything.
Sometimes I wonder if this is how we were in the womb—three pairs of legs all tangled together, clinging to each other like we needed each other to survive.
"When we're rich, I'm getting a gym membership," Andy complains.
Dex snorts out a laugh. Our "when we're rich" game can go on for hours.
"When we're rich, I'm buying us an electric blanket," I offer. "And a TV for our bedroom."
"When we're rich, I'm going to buy a cool-ass truck so we can take road trips," Dex says. "We can bring the air mattresses for the back and stare up at the stars."
"Seriously," Andy murmurs, his fingers joining mine as I explore each groove of Dex's abs, "how the fuck do you get abs like this?"
Dex shrugs. "A lot of sit-ups."
"I was hoping genetics was good enough," Andy throws back.
"You have abs," I remind him. "They're just different."
"Let's see," Dex teases. "Want to compare?"
Andy, not to back down from a challenge, whips off his T-shirt.
His body is cut in a naturally masculine kind of way.
He flexes his stomach muscles as he lies beside Dex, his eyes darting back and forth as he inspects each with a critical assessment.
A tendril of jealousy twists inside me. I'm the skinny one.
"Nate?" Andy says.
"He doesn't have to," Dex rushes out.
I don't like feeling as though they have to treat me with kids gloves. With awkward, shaky movements, I take off my shirt and toss it on the floor.
"We're triplets," Dex says, "so we pretty much are a slightly different variation of the same good-looking guy."
Dex's hand flitters over my naked stomach and I tighten in anticipation.
Of what, dumbass?
My mind goes there again, threatening to make dinner come back up.
"I don't feel so good," I rumble. "I'm going to sleep."
After slipping my jeans off, I yank the covers up and close my eyes. Andy sighs like he wants to say something to me but bites his tongue. He locks up the trailer and shuts off all the lights. In the darkness, I can relax. No one can see the look of unmasked want on my face.
Sometimes, I want Dex and Andy.
In really fucked up ways.
The bed quivers and squeaks as we all move to get settled.
I end up with my leg thrown back over Dex's and my face against his neck, breathing him in.
My fingers skitter across his chest to touch Andy.
When my touch brushes over his nipple, he hisses and covers my hand with his.
I wait for him to release it, but he doesn't.
Dex's hand strokes over the back of my head, fingers raking through my hair. He presses a kiss to my head and murmurs that he loves me. My heart cracks open as realization floods in.
I can't ever lose this.
This connection we have.
One day, though, I'll be forced to watch them leave me one after the other. They'll find boyfriends and I'll be all alone. The black fog of depression clouds around me, chilling my flesh and turning my heart hard as ice. Tears of despair burn at my eyes and I fight the emotion clogging my throat.
"What's wrong?" Dex asks, his voice pained as though he can feel the clawing inside my chest.
"I don't want to lose this," I whisper.
"No one's going anywhere," Andy says in a fierce tone. "We just got a damn bed."
I can't help but chuckle. "But one day—"
"No," Dex growls. "It'll always be us."
As brothers...not more.
My stupid mind is fucking with me.
Tilting my head up, I try to see him in the dark.
What would Dex do if he could see the unfiltered desire in my eyes?
Would he cast me away or return the look?
My fantasies mix with hope that I could make them a reality.
Sometimes I'm too much of a dreamer—stuck inside my head wishing for things I'll never have.
Like our "when we're rich" game. Mentally buying things that aren't real and never will be.
Andy brings my hand to his mouth, kissing it so sweetly my chest aches. Dex nuzzles his nose against mine. It was something he always did when we were small if I was scared or upset. I yearn for him to press his lips to mine. So much so, I pucker my lips, needing to feel them.
So close.
Lips gently brush over mine. I suck in a sharp breath but don't move away.
"What are you doing?" Andy whispers, his voice curious and a bit shaky.
Dex turns his head and murmurs, "This."
"Oh." Andy laughs. "Carry on then."
I lick my lips in anticipation. This is a dream.
Not real. But, when Dex's lips are a breath away from mine again, I decide this is the realest moment in my entire life.
Tentatively, I press my lips against his, loving the pillowy firmness of them.
A small groan rumbles from his chest, coaxing a sigh from me.
My lips part and Dex does the unthinkable.
He swipes his tongue over mine. And then he tugs at my bottom lip with his teeth.
The bed moves and then Andy is hovering over us.
He blindly touches my head before dipping down.
Dex breaks away from my mouth and then Andy's is on mine, tasting the same but somehow still different.
His kiss is less gentle and needier. Like if I don't help him satisfy his craving, he'll die.
Of course I don't want that. I eagerly meet his kiss, thrashing my tongue against his like I need it just as much.
Dex's lips roam over my cheek and then Andy breaks from our kiss to meet Dex's mouth. I'm achingly hard in my boxers. The things I'm thinking about are twisted as hell, but my brothers don't think I'm fucked up. They're experimenting with me.
Andy pulls back, allowing Dex to kiss me again. Andy, though, trails kisses down the side of my arm and then onto my ribs. I groan, unable to help from flexing my hips against Dex's side.
"You okay?" Andy murmurs.
"Yeah," I choke out.
"Good," he replies. "Lie on your back."
I pause, wondering if I'm dragging them to some unknown realm they don't belong in. But Dex's reassuring kisses have me ignoring my worries and obeying Andy's command. My entire body tenses when he kisses my stomach.
"You both are so damn perfect," Andy complains like he isn't a variation of Dex and me both.
I whimper when his tongue dips into my bellybutton. "Andy..."
Dex swallows my words, his tongue desperately seeking mine. I'm lost to the sensations of both their mouths on me. This is the best damn feeling in the world.
I hope it never ends.