Chapter 36
Chapter Thirty-Six
Amber
W hat is wrong with me?
Why did I just react like that?
The second I’m down the road from Derek’s house, I feel my chest loosen just a little. It’s like I’m putting more distance between myself and all the mess that conversation stirred up. But then the guilt kicks in. I should have stayed and tried to explain why I panicked, but the second Sharon’s name was brought up, all I could think about was getting out.
I can’t say nice things about her. And I also cannot talk shit about her to her own kids. I needed out of there until I could control my emotions.
Why did I ever think this could work between us? I still harbor so much hatred toward Sharon. Can I really be objective when her kids share their grief?
I take a deep breath, pull my car over on a quiet stretch, and grab my phone. There’s only one person I can call right now who’ll understand why I freaked out the way I did.
“Amber?” Bree’s voice comes through, sounding concerned. “What’s going on? Are you okay? I thought you were staying with Derek tonight. Oh no, did you tell him and he…?”
“No, I’m not okay.” The words rush out. “I’m an idiot. A complete, total idiot. Bree, I just took off from Derek’s house like it was on fire. All because they started talking about Sharon, and suddenly, I was right back in high school, hearing her say all those things she used to say about me. I couldn’t deal with it, so I ran like some coward.”
“What?” Bree’s voice sharpens with surprise, but there’s no judgment. “Okay, breathe. Tell me what happened. What exactly did they say?”
“It wasn’t even that bad,” I admit, hating how ridiculous it sounds now. “Casey asked me if Sharon and I were close when we were younger. I told them we were friends and tried to change the subject. But it’s like…just saying her name made me remember all the horrible things she did. And I felt like they could see it in my face, how much I couldn’t stand her, and I got scared. I just…I couldn’t stay there a second longer.”
“It makes sense that talking about Sharon would bring stuff up for you. She was horrible to you back then.”
I let out a shaky sigh. “I know, but it still felt irrational, like I was acting like a scared kid again.”
“Absolutely understandable. You haven’t dealt with any of it.”
“And then, Derek questioned if I was telling the truth because he said it didn’t sound like her.”
“Seriously?” she scoffs. “What an idiot. She had a lot of people fooled, though.”
“It felt like he was choosing her over me.”
“He wasn’t. That’s not logical. She can’t be chosen because she’s long gone.”
“But is that what will happen every time we argue in the future? That I’ll automatically think he’s choosing her?”
As soon as the words leave my mouth, I breathe in sharply. I lean forward against the steering wheel and scrub my hands across my face.
Because Tommy cheated on me, am I scared about not being Derek’s choice, too? Shit.
Tears prick at my eyes as I realize how big of a revelation that is for me.
“I mean, I guess it could be a possibility if you don’t work on it. You saying it out loud right now, naming it, and being aware of it is a big deal, though.”
“It feels like a fucking mess. I feel like I’m being crazy right now.”
“You’re not being crazy.” She sighs. “First of all, Sharon was a mean girl in the highest sense. She tortured our entire school for years with no consequences. She was a thousand times worse to you than she was to anyone else, and no one ever understood why. You have every right to feel the way you do right now.”
“The thing is, I think I’m freaking out about something bigger on top of that.”
“What do you mean?”
“It’s this whole thing with Sharon’s family and that conversation I overheard,” I say, feeling my nerves flare again. “I’m terrified of telling Derek. Especially after tonight, especially when I know the way Sharon’s family is. If they find out I’m the one who said something, they’ll twist it and say I’m still just jealous of her or that I’ve always been trying to get back at her family. They’ll make me out to be the bad guy.”
Bree lets out a thoughtful hum on the other end. “I get why that would worry you. But, Amber, let’s be real here. Everyone who knows you knows that isn’t the truth.”
“I know you’re right, logically,” I say, rubbing my temples. “But there’s this irrational part of me that’s just…I love him, Bree, and I don’t want to lose him. In a way, it’s like if I lose him, Sharon will win again.”
“Are you only with him because of Sharon?”
“Hell no!” I say quickly.
“Exactly, then get that thought out of your head. You’re spinning and making shit up,” she says lightly. “I get it. You’re overthinking this, and I think it’s because you’re scared. Which is normal. But I’m telling you, if you take the plunge and talk to Derek, it will be way less terrifying than you think. You’ll probably feel relieved.”
I lean back against the car seat, taking in a deep breath. “Thanks, Bree. You always know how to talk me off a ledge.”
She laughs. “That’s what I’m here for. Just remember, you’re not back in high school. You’re a grown woman, and you’re not alone in this. You’ve got me, and I think if you just trust yourself, you’ll have Derek, too.”
“You’re right. I’ll talk to him.”
“Atta girl,” Bree says, and I can hear the smile in her voice. “Who would have thought I’d be able to throw your words right back at you.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah.” I giggle.
I hang up a few minutes later and drive home. My brain is on hyperdrive. Part of me wants to send him a text and explain it to him, but that’s the coward’s way out because I don’t want to risk the confrontation.
I let out a long sigh as I unlock my front door and walk inside. I go straight to my bathroom and start the tub.
I need a hot Epsom salt bath to release all of this craziness inside me.
Self-care is needed, but…I’m sad that I’ll be sleeping alone tonight.