9. Naya
NINE
NAYA
A part of me was annoyed that Amias thought I needed him to send me food for Thanksgiving.
I spent the day at the Woods-Mullen Shelter, an emergency women's-only shelter where I volunteered when I was able.
His note had sounded almost patronizing: I'm sorry you're alone, I hope this makes up for it.
Did he really think a meal could make up for me having no family or friends to spend the holidays with?
Sure, because I was a charity case. For what it was worth, I hadn't been alone.
I had people around me who were grateful I was there.
For me, it was a pleasure to help and care for others.
It made me feel less lonely and useful. I had zero complaints.
I would've loved to spend the holidays with my nephew, but I wasn't unhappy about not having to deal with Kara and Nolan.
After trying hard for many years to have a genuine relationship with them, I'd given up.
As long as they allowed me access to Magnus, which they did when they needed a babysitter, I was happy.
But my stupid heart was also touched that Amias had done anything at all when my own brother hadn't even called or texted, or even sent me a picture of Magnus, which I would've loved to receive.
It was my little angel's second Thanksgiving.
For the first, Nolan and Kara had brought him over for a short time to see my father.
My father wasn't able to eat much by then, but I'd tried, putting a traditional meal together, which I'd eaten alone as my father went in and out of sleep. He passed away two weeks later. It hadn’t been a shitty Christmas.
I spent that with Darren and his friends.
It had been a balm to my broken heart, even fun.
This year as well, I was invited to his place for Christmas.
His friends were mostly sports people and their partners.
They were all wealthy like Darren, but they didn't judge me the way Nolan and his friends did.
The Monday after Thanksgiving, I came to work early when I knew there wouldn't be anyone around yet. Since he'd fed me, I wanted to make my thanks personal.
I made Christmas cookies and wrapped them in crinkly cellophane, tying it all together with a red bow.
I left them on his desk in his office along with a thank-you card, which simply said: Thank you for the Thanksgiving Dinner.
It was very thoughtful of you, and I appreciate it very much. Happy Holidays, Naya.
A part of me wanted to let him know that I hadn't been alone for Thanksgiving. But that was pride. He tried to do something nice for me and I didn't want to assume his motives as being less than generous. I doubted he wanted to make me feel bad about my circumstances.
Naively, I had expected some kind of response from Amias about the cookies but as the day passed, I figured that my saying thank you was the end of that conversation.
It was nearly six in the evening when I managed to get done with all the work that had piled up during the long weekend when my phone rang.
It was one of the recruiters I'd been talking to.
I took the call and went into one of the small meeting rooms and shut the door.
"Hey, Naya, I have some very good news."
"Tell me," I asked excitedly.
When I came out of the meeting room, I had a smile a mile wide.
I was being considered for a director role at a top tech company, one I wanted to work for.
A director role! I had three interviews scheduled with various members of the team next Monday.
I was going to take the day off, I decided, and spend the weekend preparing for the interview. I wanted to get this job.
"Naya." I was so in my thoughts that I didn't notice Amias standing by my cubicle.
"Hi," I whispered and then dropped my eyes to the floor as I walked to my desk.
You have no reason to feel guilty! He doesn't want you around anyway.
I hated that he had told Ann and Kara I made him uncomfortable. I was sure he would do the happy dance when I resigned.
"Thanks for the cookies."
"Thank you for the dinner."
I stood by my desk, not sure what to do next. I was about to leave for home, but you couldn't do that when your CEO was standing in front of you.
"Did you have a good break?" he asked.
"Yes."
"I'm sorry you were alone."
I looked at him then. Here was my chance! "I wasn't. I spent the day at a shelter. It's something I've been doing for years."
I saw something move in his eyes, pity? I steeled myself against telling him to shove it where the sun doesn't shine.
"I'm…ah…glad that you were not alone."
"Did you have a good time in New York?" I asked and wondered if I'd revealed too much about how I listened to every conversation he had with anyone around me.
He was in a charcoal gray suit, one I loved on him, with a crisp white shirt.
Even at the end of the day, he didn't have a wrinkled look.
I on the other hand was in my trustee black pants and a black high-neck blouse that hung loosely around my waist. I'd started wearing loose clothes after the accident because my skin was still tender.
Now, it had become a habit, and I found the clothes to be comfortable.
The black color was to make my life easier when I got dressed.
"It was good," he replied succinctly.
We were both silent for a while and it was getting to be uncomfortable. "Do you need anything else from me?" I asked.
He shook his head. "No…actually, I was wondering if I could give you a ride home. My car is downstairs."
The way he said it got my back up. I didn't need a ride, I had one already. "That’s so nice of you but I'm good."
"It's fucking cold, Naya," he blistered, surprising me.
"I know," I replied calmly.
"Then let me give you a ride," he bit out.
His jaw was tight. I didn't know what he was up to, but I was starting to believe that he saw me as a charity case. First the job, then a meal like I was an unhoused person, and now a lift in his fancy car with a driver.
"I really appreciate your offer. But I am fine. Thank you again."
"Why won't you just take my help?"
I hated confrontations. Absolutely detested them. I couldn’t help it, I shrank within myself and heard his frustrated, fuck.
"I'm sorry," I whispered, looking at my shoes, wanting him very much to go away now. I stayed out of everyone's way to avoid such scenes. Even with Ann, it was Darren who'd gone after her at Legal Sea Foods, making me want to shrink and disappear.
He put his finger under my chin and lifted my face. This was the first time Amias was touching me beyond a hand shake. A shiver ran through me.
"You have nothing to apologize for," he murmured.
I licked my dry lips and saw his eyes land on my mouth. I cleared my throat because my words seem to be caught somewhere between my sinking stomach and my pounding heart.
"Let me help you." He came closer, and I stepped back, away from his touch and crashed into the cubicle wall. I didn't want to be close to Amias. I just didn't. I could smell him and his cologne; it was disconcerting, causing chaos inside me.
He looked horrified to see me all but crawl into the wall. "Are you okay?"
I nodded, staring at the beige carpet. There was a stain on it. I spilled coffee a month ago. The steamers would do their thing as they did once a quarter and the carpet would be all clean and nice soon enough, until I spilled my coffee again.
"Naya, are you alright?"
"I'm fine," I mumbled. He'd touched me and it had been electric and overwhelming.
I wasn't big on subterfuge but mostly no one cared how I felt so no one ever asked.
But he was asking, and I was feeling desperate enough to tell him, so he'd go back to his normal self, and I could go back to mine.
His concern for me was tempting, except I knew he thought I was boring as fuck, had no curves, and had absolutely no fashion sense.
A part of me had wanted to get a makeover like they do on TV shows but a larger and stronger part of me wasn't going to change for someone else.
If I wanted a makeover, I'd get one, but I didn't. I liked how I dressed.
I liked who I was. It was hard won, this self-love, and I wasn't going to let Amias, or anyone interfere with the progress I'd made.
I was still far, far away from allowing a man close enough to see me naked and maybe that would never happen but at least I didn't look at myself and just see scars anymore. I saw me. I saw Naya.
He pulled away and stuffed his hands in his pocket. "I apologize for touching you. That was inappropriate."
"Thank you again for the dinner." I wanted him gone before my emotions took over.
It used to happen from time to time with Darren in the beginning.
I was always surprised that he was nice to me.
Now, we were friends, and I accepted it, I appreciated it and him, but in the early days of our relationship the fact that someone cared about me besides my father was an emotional shock.
I'd gotten used to being on my own. I was an introvert with few friends.
After the accident and spending months in a burn unit, I'd become even more isolated.
In college, I stayed a loner. I had acquaintances but no friends.
Darren had been the exception as he'd known me since the accident and had never ever judged me or made me feel weak—he always allowed me to be myself.
"You should go home before it starts to sleet in earnest." He turned his back to me and walked out of the cubicle.
I sat down and took calming breaths.