Chapter 4
L ess than two hours later, they arrived in Jacksonville and headed down the narrow road to the tip of Dames Point Park, assumed to be the last point of United States soil the El Faro crew saw during their last voyage before the ship sank. The emotion that draped over Meredith like a cloud belied the beautiful day. The sun shone on the white caps of the water like diamonds. As she stepped out of the Jeep, the breeze flowed over her but did nothing to relieve her heavy heart.
This wasn’t going to be easy for either of them, but it would be hardest on Griffin.
The wind swept through her hair, which she pushed away so she could turn and look at Griffin’s reaction. And when she did, his expression broke her heart. It had been years since Marie had died along with the crew of the El Faro . But Griffin’s expression was so raw it was as if Marie had just died.
“Do you still want to do this?” she asked.
“Of course. We’ve come this far.”
“I can stay in the Jeep if you’d rather do this alone.”
“I want you with me.”
She drew a slow breath and tried not to read anything more into his words. Instead, she let him lead her down the path toward the monument that had been erected in memorial of the El Faro crew.
When they reached the memorial, Griffin paused before running his hand down the list of names on the memorial stone until he came to Marie’s. He was silent as he tapped her name with his fingers. Meredith stayed back. She hadn’t been close to Marie, but she knew Griffin had known her practically from the cradle. Marie had been a free spirit and a shining light for the Class of 1989. Even though they were coming to the memorial for the first time, other class members had visited or paid homage to Marie in their own way. Marie will be remembered tomorrow when they have the class memorial for lost classmates.
He glanced down at his phone and started searching.
Confused, she asked, “What are you doing?”
“Looking through my playlist of songs by The Who.”
She chuckled. “Her favorite band.”
He smiled as he glanced up at her. “It’s fitting.” He finished what he’d started and then set the phone in front of the memorial as the music to Another Tricky Day started playing.
“You know we have to dance it out now,” Meredith said as she started to move to the opening guitar riff.
“Of course. Marie would. And she wouldn’t give a damn who saw her doing it.”
The opening instrumental had Griffin imitating Pete Townsend playing air guitar, and suddenly, Meredith was transported back to a time when neither of them had a care in the world.
In an instant she hadn’t expected, Griffin hooked his arm around her waist and pulled her close, lifting her off her feet and spinning her as the music played. She threw her head back and laughed until tears filled her eyes. When her feet touched the ground again, he held onto her, gazing down into her eyes and moving closer before letting her go and spinning himself as the music played. Still feeling weightless from being in his arms, they held each other’s hands, danced, and jumped as one in a ridiculously fun way, ignoring the occasional passing boat in the bay as the song played.
As the song began to wind down, Griffin pulled her into his arms again and held her close, stealing her breath away. His face was just inches from hers. As she gazed into his eyes, she felt his breath against her cheek and marveled at how much she wanted him to kiss her. She did nothing to prevent it. She held on to his shoulders and kept her gaze steady on him, allowing herself the luxury of feeling they were the only two people in the world at that moment, as she had done many times in her youth.
She was only vaguely aware of the increasing sound of wheels on the concrete path coming closer. Only then did each of them turn their heads to find two skateboarders on the path racing toward them.
“Hey, grandpa! Looking good!” one of them said.
The other added, “Keep at it. Totally drip song!”
“Drip? Who are you calling ‘grandpa?’” he called out. The two young men stopped before them as the music died to nothing.
“Hey, no problem, pop. It’s all cool. You both can groove pretty good at your age.”
Griffin scrutinized the two young men and wanted to stare them right into the pavement for interrupting the moment he’d almost kissed Meredith. Almost . And it hurt like hell he didn’t get to partake in that pleasure after the dance they’d just shared and hearing Meredith’s musical laugh above the sound of The Who, Marie’s favorite band.
But now Meredith was out of his arms and had stepped back.
The two men, who had short, cropped hair and dog tags hanging out of their T-shirts, were now sweaty and gross from skateboarding in the baking sun.
“Both of you are military.” It wasn’t a question. Griffin already knew. He met at least a dozen new recruits just like these two every week.
The shorter one flipped his skateboard by stepping on the back of the board until it spun. He then caught it with his hand and smiled, apparently proud of his skill.
“Good catch,” Griffin said.
“Just came home on leave from the Air Force Academy. My buddy has never been to Florida, so I took him home for the sites.”
“I see. Second-Class Cadet? Third-Class Cadet?”
“First-Class Cadet. You know your stuff, grandpa.”
“Yeah, let’s dispel with the ‘grandpa,’ shall we? How about Colonel Griffin Cole, USAF, Pearl Harbor-Hicham.”
The blood drained instantly from the kids’ faces. Meredith stifled a chuckle as she turned away for a second, unable to hide her laughter. Part of Griffin wanted her to throw her head back and laugh as she’d done when he spun her in his arms a few minutes ago.
The young men instantly straightened their backs and looked ahead as if in formation.
“Skateboards in front of a monument honoring fallen sailors? Really?” Griffin said in admonishment.
“I’m sorry, Colonel,” the taller kid said with sudden respect. “I meant no disrespect.”
“Save that for your CO. I’m not sure he’ll be thrilled to get a call from me telling him what just went down. It’s fine to get some R&R, but I suggest you think about where you are at all times, and who you’re addressing.”
“Yes, sir.”
“On your way.”
Meredith bit her lip to keep from laughing again. Oh, what he wouldn’t do to tug on her sweet lips and kiss her. The shorter one made the mistake of dropping the skateboard on the ground as if he were about to skate off again. He thought better of it, picked it up, and tucked it under his arm.
As they disappeared down the path toward the bridge, walking quickly but not skateboarding, Meredith turned to Griffin. “Did you really just pull rank for fun?”
“They don’t know that. I thought the taller one was going to wet himself.” He shook his head. “Was I ever that boneheaded?”
“Yes.”
“Thanks a lot.”
“We all were. It was the ’80s.”
Griffin bent down to pick up his phone. Then, glanced in the direction the young airmen disappeared in. “Grandpa? Do I really look that old?”
She couldn’t help but laugh. “Quit your complaining. Lots of our classmates are already grandparents, so yeah. That’s us. Even if we don’t have grandkids.”
Giving her a mischievous grin, he continued to dance toward her. “Grandpas still got the moves. I can rock-n-roll with the best of them.”
He reached for her, but she turned at the last second and started walking away from the monument.
“We should be getting back,” she said.
“How about lunch first?”
“If we get it to go. I need to get back to my office.”
Eating in the Jeep while Griffin drove proved challenging. But at least it gave them something to do other than talk. Eating wasn’t enough to fill up time or keep Meredith from thinking about being in Griffin’s arms.
He’d been ready to kiss her. And she would have let him. Hell, she would have been right in there with him. He wasn’t going to have to try hard. But then the skateboarders ruined everything.
Or maybe not. Giving in to how they felt in the moment may have been the worst thing both of them could do. Maybe they dodged a bullet.
All this morning, on the ride to Dames Point Park, she’d been happy. She wasn’t running away from Griffin. They were together, and it felt good. Maybe it was time to move on from the past.
All it took was dancing to an ’80s song for Griffin to get her in his arms again and make Meredith melt like chocolate in the hot sun. It was impossible for her to see herself as the fifty-plus woman who’d put herself through college and made a life for herself. She could take care of herself now, unlike the young girl who’d been a puddle on the floor when she’d sent Griffin that letter that ended everything. Griffin’s voice cut into her thoughts.
“Did you ever marry? Did you ever love someone after me?”
Meredith drew a deep breath and gazed at the length of the road ahead, hoping to stretch out that answer. It shouldn’t matter. But for some reason, how she would answer felt like a betrayal .
“I did.”
Silence . When she couldn’t stand it anymore, she continued,
“Rafe and I were married for eight years, but we lived together as man and wife for nearly four. The divorce dragged on simply because neither of us wanted to admit we’d made a mistake.” She shook her head. “I knew better, but I married him anyway.”
He glanced at her quickly and then turned his attention to the road. “You didn’t love him?”
She shrugged. “There was love. There was kindness. There was nothing wrong with us on the outside. But it took a long time to realize it wasn’t working.”
It was hard to talk to Griffin about a relationship that was so long ago and was a failure. There was nothing wrong with Rafe and her. But there was. It wasn’t what love was supposed to be. It wasn’t what she had with Griffin.
“There wasn’t much on the inside to keep us together, as much as we wanted there to be. We tried,” she said so quietly she could barely hear her voice above the sound of the Jeep’s tires rolling over the hot tar. It shamed her to say it, but she’d been relieved when the divorce was finalized.
“Why did you marry him?”
“Does it matter?”
He shrugged and then shook his head slowly. “I guess not.”
Closing her eyes briefly, she steeled herself. “We’d dated for about six months before Rafe got a job offer he couldn’t turn down in Ohio. Mom had been living in Arizona for a while and my brother was in New York. I stayed after they left but…there really wasn’t much for me in Crystal Cove anymore. He asked me to marry him. He wanted me to go to Ohio with him and build a life. He asked. He said he wouldn’t go if it meant losing me. I said yes. I can’t really explain it.”
“You just did.” Griffin glanced at her. “He asked.”
What hung in the air was the real divide. Griffin never asked how she felt about him reenlisting. He just signed on for four more years of being in the Air Force, living his life in a war zone and expecting her to wait until he was ready for her.
Meredith peered at him as he drove, hoping he’d look at her so she could read his expression. But she didn’t have to see his face straight-on to note the regret etched on his face. Damn, she hated regret.
“He was a good man, Griffin. We just jumped into it and then stayed together too long. It all made sense in the moment, and then the moment was gone, and we both were left to wonder why we were even together at all.”
“Children?”
She shook her head. The thought of it made her stomachache and her heart hurt. “My best years were spent trying to make that marriage work and convince myself that if only I tried harder. It’s been years since the divorce. But he still calls and checks in with me. He’s married now and has a family. I’m happy for him.”
He frowned. “You still stay in touch?”
She glanced at him. “It’s not unheard of. He’s a good guy. I send his family a Christmas card every year and get a picture of them. They’re still in Ohio.”
“But you came back to Crystal Cove even though your family and…you came back.”
“It was home. I still have friends here.”
“And you’re still friends with your ex.”
She chuckled at his obvious jealousy. It made him look vulnerable and endearing with that little dip of his head as he spoke.
“Yeah, from afar. Is that really such a strange thing?”
“I’m just wondering why we couldn’t be friends all these years.”
“You were different,” she said quietly.
“I’m not kind?”
“I didn’t say that. It’s just…I never loved Rafe the way I loved you. There, I said it. Happy now? Anything else you’re wondering?”
“Did you get that tattoo over your heart for him?”
She snapped her gaze at him, shocked. “We’re back to the tattoo? I told you it was private.”
“What type of tattoo? I mean, I know it’s there. I saw part of it.”
“Why is it important?”
“I’m just curious.”
“It’s a tattoo. If you go to the supermarket, you’ll see a hundred people with all kinds of tattoos all over their bodies. I have one little tattoo.”
“I’m only interested in the one you chose to put on your beautiful left breast.”
She fought hard not to let the tears that were burning her eyes win. She couldn’t let them. And she couldn’t tell him about the delicate butterfly tattoo with the hidden symbol inside. Most people wouldn’t notice it. The artist who’d created the work of art on her left breast made sure it wasn’t easy to see. But Meredith knew it was there.
She couldn’t talk about it or the fact that she’d cried for days afterward, so much so that she couldn’t even look at the tattoo except to put ointment on it so it wouldn’t get infected as it healed. She couldn’t say the words, so she deflected.
“What about you? Did you ever get married? Have children?”
“I almost got married. It was many years after us. I’d just been promoted to Major. Karen was as keen on my career ambition as you were. She was in the military herself, so I’d always assumed she understood.”
“She wanted you to change?”
“Her goal was to stop dating,” he chuckled wryly and shook his head. “I didn’t share that goal, at least not with her.”
As he spoke, Meredith let herself look at him for the first time without turning away every time a memory came to her mind. His short-cropped hair was still thick on his head but was so different from the long hair he’d had when they’d dated before he’d gone to boot camp. The wind whipped strands of her hair around her face, but not a hair on his head moved. Everything about him seemed so controlled.
“I was fine the way we were,” he continued, seemingly unaware of her staring. “We were together off and on for over a decade. It was comfortable. Easy to be together. Easy to be apart. I should have known better. My marriage has always been the military.”
Try as she may, Meredith couldn’t squash the sadness that washed over her. She’d never felt this raw after breaking up with Rafe. Everything was so amicable. There’d been a few tears, sure. But she’d cried endlessly when Griffin told her he’d signed on for four more years in the Air Force. And then even more when she’d sent off that letter ending things.
Drawing in a deep breath of ocean air, she fought to smooth over the raw edges she convinced herself had healed years ago. Oh, boy, could Meredith lie to herself. One morning dancing in a park with Griffin, and she was a puddle. She wasn’t crying. She hated doing that in front of people. But she would later. Right now, every inch of her felt exposed.
After a long ride of eating and filling in a few blanks for each other about jobs and places they’d been, they reached Crystal Cove. The hotel was only a few miles away. The sun was still high enough in the sky at midday to be hot. In the open SUV, she should have had a hat on. The tender spots on her cheeks told her she already had a sunburn, so putting one on now would do her no good.
Griffin pulled up to the front of the hotel turnaround and shoved the stick shift into park.
“Thank you for coming with me today.”
“Honestly, I’m glad you pushed me. It was good, right? We were good? ’
He smiled. “Yes. Although my curiosity about that tattoo is still killing me.”
“Then you’ll be dead by midnight because I’m not telling you.”
He laughed as he stepped out of the Jeep. She didn’t wait for him to open her door. She got out on her own.
“So about tonight.” He reached for her, leaning in a way that was so familiar. But she’d be lost in him if she didn’t stop it now.
She placed a finger against his lips. He had been ready to kiss her. But this time, she had to stop him.
“Today was pretty great,” she said.
“I’m glad you think so.”
“Let’s not ruin it by making it linger too long.” The disappointment in his eyes was unmistakable. “Can we just sit with this a while?”
Griffin kissed her finger, and she pulled it away.
“You’re going to make me sing karaoke all by myself tonight? You don’t want to be there to laugh at me? ”
She smiled. “I’d love to be a fly on the wall. But I need some time. Besides, I hear Betsy Womack was on the planning committee. She’s still a real stickler for rules.”
“What rules? You’ll be my date.”
She groaned.
“Come with me.”
She raised an eyebrow and chuckled. “Is that a command? You look all official, Colonel.”
“Not at all. A request. I’m not even in uniform.”
“People talk, Griffin. They’ll assume things.”
“Since when do you care about what people say?”
“Okay, how about this? You’ll leave here after this weekend, and I’ll still be here. I was here when you left for the military and was here after we broke up, at least for a while. It wasn’t pleasant. People say they’re being supportive, but it’s still just gossip. I didn’t like it then. I’m not sure I’d be any good at it now.”
They reached the back door of the resort that led to the lobby. They’d already passed the walkway to the elevator that would take Griffin to his room.
“So that’s a no? Tell me you aren’t even the least bit curious about people we went to school with.”
“Maybe a few who’d moved away like we did. But…”
“But?”
She sighed. “Goodbye, Griffin. It really was good seeing you.”
“No, no goodbyes. In Hawaii, we say aloha. So, I’m going to say aloha, and when I see you again, I’ll say aloha.”
“What does that mean? The reunion is this weekend. You’re going to be leaving in a few days.”
“But not tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day.”
“I’m going home. I have nothing to do at the hotel until Sunday, and even then, I’ve cleared everything with my staff. They can handle it. You won’t run into me again here.”
“Then I’ll seek you out. I’m a determined man, Meredith. When I want something, I go after it. And I get it.”
The melancholy that washed over her was filled with regret. If only he’d come after her thirty years ago. He would have had her.