Chapter Five
Jason stared at his reflection, his belly choosing that moment to roll over. Again.
What do I have to be nervous about? It was just dinner at Roman’s diner over on Dekalb. He’d eaten there so many times, he’d lost count.
Yeah, but you’ve never invited someone to eat there with you. A guy. A gorgeous guy. A gorgeous gay guy.
That was true, on all counts. Jason kept telling himself that it was casual, that it wasn’t a date, but he couldn’t deny that was how it felt.
As for David being gorgeous? Jason had only to picture the tall, slim man with the beautiful blue eyes, and his chest tightened.
He liked how David kept his hair so short that it really only amounted to stubble.
He liked David’s beard—well, the beginnings of David’s beard: it was merely fuzz at that point—and his mustache.
He liked how David didn’t look like he lived in a gym, but had nicely toned upper arms and thighs, his chest broad, his waist narrow.
Who was he kidding? He liked every bit of David.
Just because I’m having dinner with a beautiful gay man does not mean anything will come of it.
He’d repeated this mantra to himself all freaking day, ever since David had walked out of the coffee shop.
He still couldn’t believe he’d had the nerve to ask David to dinner.
What was I thinking? Maybe it was the surfeit of joy after seeing Travis.
But isn’t it time I did something rather than just imagine it?
He knew why he’d done nothing so far. There was a whole host of reasons why.
Coming out in his late thirties hadn’t brought him the relief he’d sought.
Instead, he’d been racked with guilt upon realizing the impact his living a lie had had on his family.
So when he was no longer living that lie, he’d expected his life to get easier.
Nope. Not even close.
He may have come clean on his sexuality with his ex-wife and son, but he hadn’t come to terms with it himself by any means.
His reaction to the divorce had been to throw himself into his work and to begin volunteering at the shelter.
It wasn’t as if he felt driven to help the homeless, but rather it had started for the purely selfish reason that helping others made him feel better.
As time went by, however, it had become important to him.
One of the biggest factors holding him back was the fear of stepping outside his comfort zone, but several things fed into that fear.
Depression accounted for his lack of motivation, the prime reason his apartment remained as bland as the day he’d moved in.
It also heightened his fear of rejection.
He’d been genuinely surprised when David had commented that he looked good.
He’d fought the urge to ask if David needed glasses, because he knew that was the depression talking.
“Enough of the introspection,” he told his reflection sharply. He’d called it a day at the coffee shop when trade had fizzled out, using the time he’d gained to get ready. But at this rate, he’d never put a foot beyond his threshold.
“There’s a beautiful man down on the street, waiting for you,” he told himself sternly. “So move your ass and don’t keep him waiting.”
One last glance at his appearance to check he looked okay, and then he was finally out of the door.
* * * * * *
“I like this place,” David commented as he paused between bites of his macaroni and beef ragu. He inclined his head toward his plate. “And this is delicious.”
“So you don’t regret not choosing their Thanksgiving special of turkey dinner?” Jason asked, grinning.
David rolled his eyes. “I got plenty of turkey yesterday, thank you. By the way, thanks for sending me home with leftovers. I had a turkey, stuffing and mayo sandwich for lunch today that was almost as good as that dinner you cooked.”
“Leftovers are always the best part of Thanksgiving and Christmas.” He savored a mouthful of lamb cappelletti, loving the delicate flavors. The diner was packed to the rafters, the servers dashing around between tables so much that Jason hoped they were being paid by the mile.
David was looking around too. “I guess it sucks to work in the hospitality sector at this time of year. They must work their asses off.”
Jason nodded. “And I’d hope their tips make up for it, but this place has a no obligation to tip policy. Still, it annoys me when I see people not tipping their servers. Most of the time, we’re talking diners who couldn’t survive on minimum wage, but expect others to.”
“Not everyone is as generous as you, Jason.”
The comment sent a thrill of pleasure surging through him, but it also brought with it a tinge of guilt.
“I’m sorry about last night,” he said quietly.
David jerked up his head and stared, his brow furrowed. “What about it?”
Jason sighed. “For changing the subject so abruptly. And I shouldn’t have gone overboard with the alcohol. Don’t tell me I didn’t, either.”
David studied his ragu. “I just figured you had your reasons for clamming up, that’s all.” His tone was carefully neutral, but Jason knew David had to have wondered what the hell was going on.
He took a deep breath. “Yes, I did, and they were all to do with being scared.” Jason put down his fork.
Slowly David raised his head. “Of what?”
“Lots of things.” Jason took a drink of water. “I told you last night that I was gay. What I didn’t tell you was I’m gay in thought only.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, the farthest I’ve got to living as a gay man is to tell three people that I’m gay—Diane my ex-wife, Travis and you. That’s it. Period.”
David put down his fork. “You haven’t gone on a date?”
Jason shook his head.
“But why? There must be hundreds—no, thousands—of men in New York who’d jump at the chance to take you on a date.”
Are you one of them? Fuck, Jason wanted to ask that so badly, but he didn’t dare.
“I guess I was too scared I’d show some interest in a guy and then he’d say no.
Fear of rejection is a tangible force, you know.
Plus I tend to be a little… anxious.” Now there was an understatement.
“It was one thing to talk about being gay, to think about it. It was quite another to actually put it into practice.” He shrugged.
“And besides, I’m forty-five. Who the hell would want to go out with a guy my age, a guy with no experience? ”
David gaped at him. “That last point… you are kidding, right?”
Jason blinked. “Excuse me?”
David chuckled. “Dude, a forty-five year-old guy, looking the way you do, just starting to discover what it’s all about…
You’re every gay man’s fantasy come true.
” When Jason just… stared at him, David nodded slowly.
“If I can speak candidly for a second?” He leaned forward. “Jason, that is fucking hot.”
Oh my God. Heat race through him, and suddenly he couldn’t cope with the abundance of varying emotions warring within him.
“Look, I’m not saying this to be difficult, but… can we change the subject?”
David said nothing for a second, staring at him with a stunned expression. Then he laughed. “Sure. No problem. But I do have a question.”
“Another one?” Jason quipped. “You sure do ask a lot of questions.”
“Maybe, but if I didn’t ask them, I wouldn’t know anything about you.” David took another forkful of ragu. “Can you make this? Because this is really good.”
“Is that the question?” Even as he said the words, Jason knew it was only wishful thinking.
“Uh uh.” David placed his elbow on the table, his chin resting on his palm. “What was the reason for tonight’s dinner?”
How the hell do I answer that when I’m not even sure myself?
Jason resorted to humor. “Well, you see, our bodies need food in order to survive. Granted, a man can survive three days without water, but a hell of a lot longer without food, maybe even—”
“Yeah, yeah, blah blah blah.” David chuckled. “That’s the first time you’ve tried to be funny.”
Jason gave him what he hoped was a pained expression. “‘Tried’?”
“Okay, point taken. You succeeded.” An awkward silence followed. “I repeat: why the invitation?”
Tell him the honest truth. He deserves that much, right?
Jason took another drink of water before meeting David’s forthright gaze. “I like spending time with you. That’s what it boils down to.” He was aware of his racing pulse, his quickened breathing.
David slowly tilted his head to one side, as if that helped him to take in Jason’s words. Then he nodded and said quietly, “I like spending time with you too.” He smiled. “And now we’ve got that out of the way, I’m going to finish my delicious dinner.”
Jason wanted to sag into his chair with relief. “Sounds good to me.” He picked up his fork and continued eating, his heartbeat slowly reverting to its normal rhythm.
He likes spending time with me. Damn. Something so simple, and yet it filled him with such happiness.
* * * * * *
“This is me.”
Jason peered at the building, lit up by street lights.
“Looks like it’s a nice place.” The front was white, all the windows fitted with security railings, and the door was just beautiful, an arch-shaped window set into it, over which was laid an ornate pattern of wrought iron leaves and branches.
“It also looks like it costs a fortune to live here, if you’re living alone. ”
David smiled. “That’s one of the perks of working for a big law firm—they pay well.” He shuffled from one foot to another.
“Yeah, it is getting colder, isn’t it?” Jason pulled his thick jacket tight around him. “Well, thank you for having dinner with me.”
“Thanks for inviting me.” David moved a little closer.
“I know you’re still unsure what the purpose was in inviting me in the first place.
” Jason opened his mouth to say something funny again, but David stopped him by holding up a hand.
“So I’ll give you a hint as to what I think the purpose was.
” And before Jason could respond, David leaned in and kissed him on the cheek, his lips warm against Jason’s cool skin.
David straightened and smiled. “And on that note… goodnight.”
Jason stared, dumbfounded, as David climbed the steps to his front door. He turned once to nod to Jason, still smiling, before unlocking it and disappearing inside.
Jason couldn’t tear his gaze away from the door.
It was one thing to have all those varied fantasies about what it would be like to be kissed for the first time by a guy. He’d never really thought anything would come of them, however.
Is there more to come? God, he hoped so.
* * * * * *
As soon as David drew closer to the counter to order his breakfast, he could see that something was wrong.
Jason appeared distracted, for one thing: his customary smile when he caught sight of David was nowhere in evidence.
When David made a joke about it, Jason took a while to react, and then it was with a halfhearted attempt at a smile.
And to cap it all, one glance at his expression revealed a tightness around the mouth, not to mention the way he kept gazing toward the door.
“Hey,” David said quietly while Jason rang up his purchases. “Is something wrong?”
Jason jerked his head up, eyes open wide. “No, of course not. Why should there—” He snapped his mouth shut abruptly, biting his lip. His gaze darted around the shop before he spoke to Melina. “We’re not too busy right now. Can you take over here while I take a quick break?”
Melina nodded. “Sure thing, boss.”
Jason regarded David, his forehead creased into a frown. “Are you okay to talk, or are you doing your usual Le Mans start?”
“I have time for a chat.” Like he was about to hurry out of there if Jason needed to get something off his chest.
Jason poured himself a cup of coffee and led him over to the couch. When they were both seated, he took a drink and then drew in a deep breath. “You know my little band of homeless guys? The vets?”
“Sure.”
“Well, one of them hasn’t turned up for three days now. The first day I wasn’t too worried, but now?”
“Do you know their names?” David asked.
Jason nodded. “I know him as Mike, that’s all.
I was going to wait until the others came in, to ask if they’d seen him.
I don’t even know if they know each other.
But if they do, and they haven’t seen him either, then I have to do something.
He could be hurt, ill… And let’s face it, the police won’t do anything about one missing homeless guy, even if he did fight for his country.
” There was that tight expression again.
“What can you do?”
Jason took another quick slurp of coffee. “When I shut up the shop tonight, I’m going to go looking for him.”
“Do you have any idea where to start?” David knew that since he’d become more aware of homeless people, he was starting to see them everywhere. He wouldn’t know where to start.
“A few ideas, yes. I’ll start with the others, see if they can help.
” He gestured around him. “I can’t ask them here.
Besides, they never stay that long, just enough to collect their coffee and pastry before they hightail it out of here.
” He sighed. “I know it sounds crazy. I mean, I don’t know him beyond giving him breakfast every morning for a couple of years. But I’m still worried.”
David didn’t think it sounded crazy at all. In fact, it sounded exactly like something Jason would do. David liked the caring man more and more each time he got to see another piece of the puzzle. That made his decision easier.
“I tell you what. I’ll be here by six-thirty, okay? I’ll help you look for Mike.”
Jason stared. “You… you don’t have to do that.”
David smiled. “Neither do you, but that’s not gonna stop you, is it?
So… I’ll come with you. Besides, two pairs of eyes are better than one, right?
” And never mind that I get to spend more time with you.
He felt a twinge of guilt when the thought flitted through his head, but he pushed it aside.
He might have suggested it for selfish reasons, but he genuinely wanted to help.
Anything to ease his friend’s troubled mind. Because Jason is a friend now.
Except David knew deep down that he was hoping Jason wanted to be more than that.