Chapter Thirteen #2
If you’re reading this, then I’m no longer around.
I’m not sure how much longer I have left, but I didn’t want to leave without sharing a couple of things.
‘Leave’—makes it sound like I’m going on a journey, which I suppose I am, in a way.
I’m forced to write this when the pain is under control, but before I become too medicated to think clearly.
When you contacted me, I wasn’t sure why you wanted to meet me.
I’d gotten used to being the absent father who sent cards and gifts, but hung around in the background.
I kept things like that for a reason. I know I haven’t said much about my life with your mother, but that was down to me entirely.
I’ll be honest here; I messed up her life.
I should never have married her in the first place.
Don’t get me wrong—I did love her, but it wasn’t that earth-shattering, all-consuming love that I knew existed.
Ours was more a marriage of two friends, and you were the result.
It was when I learned of your impending arrival that I knew I’d made a mistake.
I stuck it out for as long as I could, but that wasn’t being fair to you or your mother.
Why did I leave? I guess I’ve left it until right at the last minute because this way, I don’t have to look you in the eye when I tell you.
The truth is, I’ve experienced that wonderful love I mentioned just now.
I’ve known what it is to love someone, heart, body and soul.
I’ve also known the heartache and pain of losing that someone.
I wish I could see your face now, though.
I was so scared to tell you this. So afraid that once everything was out in the open, you’d look at me differently.
Because now I know you, son. Well, at least I know more about you.
We’ve not had all that much time to catch up on the last twenty or so years, but it’s been enough for me to know you’re a good man.
So I’m trusting my own judgment here, that you can accept what I’m about to tell you.
I’m gay, son. I knew I was gay when I was fifteen or so, because it was then that I knew I was falling in love with my best friend, Joshua.
He loved me too. And but for a quirk of fate, we might have spent the rest of our lives together.
It would have been far from where we started our lives, because that wasn’t a place where such love would have been tolerated.
I wrote Joshua a letter a few months ago, not that I had any intention of mailing it.
Except as the end draws closer, I’m rethinking that decision.
What are you thinking as you read these lines? God, I wish I knew.
Funny how life worked out. I left you and your mother, so I could be true to myself, so I could live openly as a gay man.
Only, once I’d made the break, once I moved to Wyoming and started a new life…
It was so difficult meeting people, stepping out of my comfort zone…
I was always a loner when I was younger, and I guess nothing changed.
I wish I could say that I lived life to the fullest, but the truth is, once I’d graduated, I threw myself into my work.
I did make sure your education was provided for, though.
I was so proud of you when you got your MBA.
That’s going to open so many doors for you.
And that brings me to my last point. When you were born, I took out an insurance policy, naming you as the beneficiary.
You’ll find the details in the envelope in this box.
When you add on the dividends, it doesn’t amount to all that much—maybe sixteen thousand dollars—but it’s a little something for when you need it.
And the house is yours too, to do with as you please.
That’s all dealt with in my will. You’ll find the details of my lawyer in the envelope too.
If he hasn’t contacted you by now, get in touch with him.
I wish so many things for you—a career that satisfies you, a life that fulfills you… and most importantly, I pray you find someone to love, who loves you with all their heart. Don’t make do with anything less than that earth-shattering love, because it does exist, Greg. I hope you find it.
Thank you for being there for me these last few months. You gave me so much strength, and getting to know you was a real privilege. Be happy, son.
Your father.
Greg slowly lowered the letter and gazed at Micah and Joshua, both of whom were regarding him with concern.
“I’m okay,” he told them, his voice cracking slightly.
“There are no new revelations about his life, not after that conversation with my mom and reading his letter to you. But….” He glanced at the letter again, noting how the writing differed from Joshua’s letter.
The handwriting was spikier, untidier, and he guessed that had something to do with the pain.
He picked up the envelope. “He made me beneficiary of an insurance policy, to give me a little capital to start out with. And….” Greg swallowed.
“He left me his little house in Jackson.”
Something inside him finally broke. His dad was gone.
“I wish I’d told him… that I was gay. I should have.” His breathing hitched, and his throat tightened.
“Maybe he knows now,” Micah suggested quietly.
There was no way Greg could have stopped the tears after that. Warm, strong arms surrounded him, and he leaned into Joshua, conscious of Micah moving to his other side, yet more strength to support him.
Greg closed his eyes and gave in to his grief, in the knowledge that two men shared it with him.