Chapter Thirteen
I opened the door and stood there, staring at him. “Hey. Did I miss a message or something?”
He gave me a sheepish smile. “Yeah, I probably should have told you I was coming round. But to be honest, I didn’t plan to.
I was about to catch the train home, when for some reason I ended up on the wrong platform.
” He chuckled. “I don’t know what was going on in my head.
I just remember looking at the stations and thinking, ‘that’s where Andy is.
’” Then he gave a shrug. “So I got on the next train.” Ollie flushed. “Yeah, I know it sounds nuts.”
I had an idea that the reason for Ollie’s change of plan might have had something to do with a certain naked ghost. Then I glanced down to where he carried a plastic bag.
He followed my gaze and smiled. “Yeah, I… I brought dinner. Nothing much. When I got off the train at Clapham South, there was this little supermarket and I just popped in there. I was looking at the ready meals, when this one leaped out at me.” He grinned.
“Well, not literally. Oh, and there happened to be a decent bottle of wine in their fridges as well.” He tilted his head to one side, giving me an inquiring look. “So… are you going to let me in?”
I kicked myself mentally. “Please excuse my bad manners. Get in here before you freeze your butt off.” I stood to one side to let him come in, and he let out a pleasurable moan when the heat from the radiator hit him.
“Oh God, that feels wonderful.” He held out the bag. “You might have to prise this from my fingers. I think it’s frozen to them.”
I laughed. “Take off your coat, hang it up, go into the living room, and warm up a little. By the way, it’s a functioning fireplace, and those are real logs beside it. So if you fancy a fire…?”
Ollie’s eyes widened. “Seriously? That sounds wonderful.”
I took the bag from him and went into the kitchen. He’d brought macaroni cheese with bits of bacon in it, garlic bread, and a really good bottle of white wine. “This looks amazing,” I called out. “Plus, you’ve brought one of my favourite meals.”
“Really?” he called back. “What a coincidence.”
Coincidence my foot. I glanced around, but Mike was nowhere to be seen. This is your doing, isn’t it?
For once, the world’s most talkative ghost was silent.
I switched on the oven, before taking two glasses from the cabinet and opening the bottle of wine. I filled them, and then carried them into the living room.
Ollie had switched on the tree lights. “I hope you don’t mind. I always think it’s the best part of Christmas, the way the tree lights up the room.” He took a glass from me, then sat back on the couch, his gaze still focused on the tree.
I busied myself with starting a fire. “I’m glad you came.” The simple words didn’t begin to convey how pleased—and relieved—I was to see him.
“Hey, if I’d realized you had a real fire, I’d have been here sooner,” he joked.
I couldn’t keep the words in any longer. “Look, about last Saturday—”
“I’m sorry,” he blurted out. “I should’ve said something when we got up off the ice. It’s just that I was so… taken aback.”
That explained his reaction, but not the ensuing silence. I didn’t look at him, but continued screwing up newspaper and laying kindling in layers.
“I thought for a moment I’d imagined it.
” He spoke so quietly that I had to strain to hear him.
“What made it so surprising was that… I’d been thinking about doing the same thing, only I didn’t have the nerve.
” I turned to look at him, and his gaze met mine.
“But when you didn’t say anything, or try again, I thought you’d reconsidered.
” He sighed. “I got the idea that maybe you thought it was too soon after Mike.”
“And here was me thinking the same, that it had only been three years since you lost Jay.”
Ollie laughed. “What a pair we are.” He gave me a questioning glance. “Now what?”
I went with practical, because my head was in too much of a state to deal with the implications right then. “Now we have dinner, we choose a Christmas DVD, and we sit on the couch with a glass of wine and enjoy the evening.”
Ollie’s eyes sparkled. “I think that sounds wonderful.”
So did I. As I got on with preparing for dinner, one thought consumed me.
He wanted to kiss me too.
It’s a Wonderful Life had gotten to the part where George Bailey was running through the town, wishing everyone a Merry Christmas.
Dinner had long since been devoured, and the wine was gone.
Ollie and I had started at opposite ends of the couch to watch the film, and what amused me was during the course of it, he had somehow gravitated toward me, until he was leaning against me, my arm along the back of the couch.
That wasn’t where I wanted my arm to be, however. I wanted to drape it over his shoulder, to feel his warmth beneath my fingers. The feel of his warm body against mine was wonderful. I didn’t move, relishing the closeness, the intimacy….
I’ve missed this.
Ollie stirred, and I cleared my throat. “Comfy?” Then I couldn’t resist adding, “You can always move a little closer.” I chuckled.
Ollie slowly turned his head toward me, and my heartbeat sped up a little at the sight of him. He’s so beautiful.
Ollie looked me in the eye. “Any closer, I’m going to be in your lap.
” His lips were right there, inches from mine, and all I had to do was lean in and kiss them.
I could smell his aftershave, a warm, almost spicy scent that was driving me insane.
His gaze was focused on mine, his breathing quickening.
My heart pounded, but I couldn’t move.
Oh for God’s sake, just kiss him.
I stiffened, and Ollie froze. “We’re… we’re not alone, are we?”
I glared at Mike, who was sitting in the rocking chair by the bookcase. “No, we’re not.”
Ollie sighed. “Then this might be a good point for me to go to the bathroom.” He got up and walked toward the door, where he paused, smiling. “In case you boys want to talk.” Then he left the room, closing the door behind him.
I fixed Mike with a hard stare. Why are you here?
Mike folded his arms across his chest. Because you’re hesitating.
I wanted to protest, to tell him I wouldn’t have hesitated if he hadn’t suddenly appeared, but the words stuck in my throat.
He’d nailed it of course. I took a deep breath.
Kissing him seems so… final. I mean, once I do this…
I’d never had a problem articulating my thoughts, but for some reason, I couldn’t think straight.
Mike smiled. Once you do this, I can rest. I told you why I came back.
I couldn’t have you being sad and alone.
You may not have thought you were in pain, but I could feel it, here.
He placed his hand over his heart. You need to be happy, and if I’m honest, I need to know that you’re happy because I can’t move on without it.
He gave me a keen glance. If our roles were reversed, would you want me to sit here and not move on?
Of course, I joked. I mean how could you live your life without me in it? It was easier to retreat into humour.
Mike chuckled. I’m always going to be a part of your life, you arse. But I can’t hold you anymore. I can’t make love to you. And you need that, from someone who’s flesh and blood. Like Ollie. So kiss him.
I narrowed my gaze. You’re pushing awfully hard for me to kiss him. Why?
Mike’s eyes twinkled. Because we’re not big on sex where I am, and good gay porn is nearly impossible to find.
I snorted. Then he sighed. I’m tired, Andy.
We’re both locked in a cycle here. You won’t move on without me, and I can’t move on until I know you have.
We can’t do that to each other. Let me go, let yourself live.
Please. For me. If you like Ollie, then don’t let thoughts of me hold you back. I’m gone and you need this.
Tears stung my eyes and I wiped them away. There was such love in his voice. But there was one thing I was sure he hadn’t considered. What happens when I die? I mean…
He smiled. Like I said, we don’t do a lot of those things up here.
There’s no jealousy or hurt. You getting together with Ollie is not gonna make anyone angry.
When we’re finally all together again, we’re going to be friends who shared love.
He winked. Now, would you please kiss him?
Do this, and I will leave you alone for now.
For now?
He smiled. You get to see me one more time before Christmas. Then I’ll be gone. He cocked his head. And now I hear Ollie coming back, so that’s me done for tonight. He grinned. I mean it. I’m not gonna be here. And with that, he faded from view.
Ollie poked his head cautiously around the door.
“Is it safe to come in? Because it’s very quiet in here.
” Then he nodded knowingly. “You don’t have to speak out loud to him.
I remember.” He came over to the couch and sat down.
The film was finishing, and he reached over, picked up the remote, and switched off the TV.
He locked gazes with me. “He is gone, right?”
I nodded. “And he’s not coming back. At least not tonight.”
Ollie’s smile lit up his face. “Good. Because I didn’t want an audience for when I did this.” And before I could catch my breath, he leaned in and kissed me, slowly at first, almost as if he was remembering how to.
I knew how he felt. The touch of his lips on mine was like waking in the morning after a wonderful dream, trying desperately to hold onto it, because it already had an illusory quality to it.
I didn’t want it to be an illusion. I wanted it to be real.
I tugged him closer until he was in my lap, his arms around my neck, my hands on his back. “God, I’ve missed this,” I murmured against his lips.