When I was forty-nine （2016）
When I was forty-nine
Ben sounded unhappy, and I didn’t blame him. He’d been asking me to visit them for the holidays for months, and each time I’d told him I couldn’t. I paced up and down my living room, pausing now and then to glance at the clock.
He’ll be here soon. The mailman had already visited, so I knew he’d made time for us.
Ben’s voice broke into my thoughts. “I still don’t understand why you won’t stay with us. Why would you want to be alone for Christmas?”
“It’s not that I want to be alone—I just have… commitments.” Well, one commitment, that had filled my mind since the last Christmas Eve.
I’d made plans for this one.
“During the holidays?”
“Come on. I saw you two months ago.” I was already feeling guilty. I didn’t need Ben to heap more coals on my head.
Well…” He sighed. “I guess I’ll have to wait a while longer. It’s not as if we don’t already have a houseful. Layla’s family are all here. It’s just that… you’re the only family I’ve got now. The twins… they keep asking when they’ll get to see Uncle Anthony again.”
I had to do something to make him feel better. It was Christmas, for God’s sake. “I’ll come see you for New Year’s.”
There was a pause. “Really?”
“Sure. They owe me vacation time anyway. I never use it all. And I would be there now, only… I have to be here. I can’t tell you more than that.”
Silence.
“Ben?”
“Oh my God.”
“What? What’s wrong?” My heart raced.
“I get it now. You’ve met someone.” Before I could butt in, he surged ahead. “What’s his name? How long has this been going on? Do I get to meet him?”
“Hey, slow down. What makes you think I’ve met someone?”
“Because you’re being secretive. Don’t you know me by now?
I know my job might make you think differently, but I really don’t mind if you’re into guys.
God, I was so freaking happy when you finally told us.
Okay, Kris wouldn’t have been my first choice, and if I ever run into the bastard, I’ll break his fucking knees for cheating on you. ”
I tut-tutted. “I hope your bishop, or whoever it is you answer to, doesn’t hear such language.”
“As soon as we hang up, I’ll ask God for forgiveness. He probably feels the same way about that ba—that man as I do. But I hate the idea of you being alone.” Another pause. “You’re not alone, are you?”
The irony. I’d said the same thing to Santa.
I took a deep breath. “Okay… I’m not alone… But… it’s complicated, all right?”
“Thank goodness for that.” Another pause. “Well? Is that all I get?”
It was all I could give.
“For now, yes. But I promise, I’ll be there at New Year’s.”
“Can you bring him with you?”
My heart sank. “I wish I could, but that’s not possible.”
“That’s okay. At least I’ll get to see my big brother. And you’d better be prepared for us to come over next year. Gotta help you celebrate the big five-oh, right?”
It seemed like the blink of an eye since Santa had mentioned me turning forty.
Where did all the years go? And why did they go so freaking fast?
There was only one way I wanted to celebrate reaching half a century, and that would be an impossibility.
“Sure, we can talk about that when I see you.” Noise in the background told me our conversation was at an end.
“I’ll let you know when my flight gets in, okay? ” I’d see to that after Christmas.
“Layla and the kids will love seeing you. Merry Christmas, bro.”
“Merry Christmas, kid.” I cleared my throat. “Oh, and Ben? Can I apologize now?”
“For what?”
“When Becca opens her Christmas present… don’t hate me, all right? I tried to get something I thought a fourteen-year-old girl would love.”
“Oh my God. What did you send her?”
I chuckled. “You’ll find out tomorrow.”
He growled. “I’ll pray for you tonight when I do my midnight carol service for the troops.”
I hung up. Becca was going to adore the glitter tattoo kit. And they stayed on for seven to ten days.
Then I realized there was no noise. Without turning around, I smiled. “I know you’re here.”
“I wanted to let you finish your call. Is everything okay?”
I turned to face him. He stood by the tree, his long red cloak still the same vibrant shade, his beard almost camouflaged against the white fur trim. The sight of him warmed me, body and soul.
“That was my brother Ben. I’m going to see them at New Year’s.”
He frowned. “Why didn’t you go there for Christmas? I would’ve understood. Family is important.”
“Because if I did, I’d have missed seeing you, and having you turn up at their home might have been a tad difficult to explain.
” Everything I’ve been feeling for the past year, all the longing, the heartache, the anticipation, welled up inside me.
He held his arms wide, and I ran into them.
Our lips met, and we fed each other joyful noises as we kissed, our arms entwined.
I couldn’t get enough of him.
“I’ve missed you so much,” he murmured.
The hardest part of not seeing him for a year? I’d had nothing to focus on, nothing to remind me of him. “You know what I want for Christmas? A photo of you. Something I can look at when you’re not here.” Something I could talk to. Stare at.
Fantasize about.
He smiled. “I can arrange that.” Santa cocked his head to one side. “Are you ready to go? Dinner is waiting for us.”
I had other appetites to assuage before that.
“Can it wait a little longer?” I kissed him, slow as you please. “I want you so much,” I whispered into his ear.
He grasped my hand and drew it down to his crotch. “Not as much as I want you.” Oh dear God, he was so hard. “Can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought about…” He trailed his fingers over my stiffening cock, and his eyes met mine. “About having this inside me.” His voice cracked.
I’d ached to feel that too.
He turned his face toward the ceiling, and laughed.
I arched my eyebrows. “What’s the joke?”
He grinned. “The girls are dying to see you. I can hear them stomping the ground with impatience from here.”
“I love how you call them ‘the girls’.” I leaned in and kissed the tip of his nose. “Time for a sleigh ride.” Then I remembered. “Wait a sec. I need to bring something with me.”
He stilled. “You won’t need… supplies, if that’s what you’re thinking. Not with me.” His eyes twinkled. “Well, apart from lube. I’m not that magical.”
I pulled free of his embrace, grabbed my phone from where I’d left it on the table, then scanned the room.
“What are you looking for?”
“My Bluetooth speaker. I want to play some music when we get to your place.” I’d spent a year searching for the seventy songs and remixes I’d stored on my phone. There was more than three hours of listening, and I intended putting every minute of it to good use.
He chuckled. “That, I can manage.” He held out his hand. “Come with me. I’ll have you back here by dawn.”
Words that were both music to my ears—and an ache in my heart.
We walked into his house, he closed the door, and it was as if someone had flicked a switch. I closed the gap between us in a heartbeat, unable to stop touching him, kissing him, his hands on my waist, my ass… I pushed his back to the wall, pinning him there with my body.
“And hello to you too,” he murmured between kisses.
I looked him in the eye, my hand curved around his cheek. “I’ve missed you. I’ve missed your voice, your touch, your laugh… I’d almost forgotten what you sound like.”
He cupped my head and claimed my mouth in a searing kiss that curled my toes.
“After I got back here last year from taking you home? I wandered around the place, remembering where you stood.” His eyes sparkled.
“I kept that couch in the office, by the way. I’ve sat on it more times than I care to admit to, recalling us there. ”
“This year crawled by.” Another round of fervent kissing and touching that I did not want to end. “Is it possible to cram in a year’s worth of kisses before we eat?”
He chuckled, then buried his face in my neck, his beard softly grazing the skin. “I was hoping for more than kisses.”
His words vibrated through me.
I pulled back to gaze at him. “I remember my promise. Nice and slow, all right?”
“And gentle. Don’t forget gentle.”
I smiled, then leaned in to kiss him on the lips, a lingering kiss that did little to ease the fever in my blood. “We could always skip dinner.” I had never been more conscious of time pressing in on me—time that would take him away from me.
“Yes, we could,” he admitted. “But then we’d deprive ourselves of a new memory. Something to sustain us both until next year.” He cupped my face with both hands. “I know, Anthony. We don’t have long. But I’ll stretch this bubble of time as much as I can, and we’ll make every second count.”
I kissed him. “Why don’t you change into something more… comfortable? Because I’m sure you don’t wear this suit twenty-four-seven.”
He grinned. “I’ll be right back.”
I arched my eyebrows. “You’re not just going to click your fingers?”
Santa laughed. “I have a closet too, you know.” He gave me one last kiss, then left the room.
I was being torn in two, by the anticipation of seeing him again—and losing him after one night together.
“Will I do?”
I broke away from staring at a new self-portrait, and found Santa in jeans and a colorful sweater. Reindeer danced across his chest. His bald head gleamed.
“I love this look.” I bit my lip. “You have a whole collection of holiday sweaters, don’t you?”
His flushed cheeks told me all I needed to know.
“Of course,” I added. “You won’t be wearing clothes for much longer.” I grinned. “I hear naked dining is a thing.”
He chuckled. “Not in this house.”
I pointed to the portrait. “This is new.” He nodded. I studied it again. “It might be my imagination, but you look a little sad.”
“That’s because I was. I’d been thinking about you all that day. I guess a little of my melancholy crept into the painting.”
My chest tightened. “I don’t want you to feel sad.” I hated the thought of him here, alone… thinking of me and being unable to reach me.