38. Chapter 38
Chapter 38
On Sunday, I told Mama I wanted to spend some time alone with her. I needed to have the difficult conversation with her about my paternity.
“This is the nicest parking garage I’ve ever seen,” she exclaimed, eyes wide as we passed the glassed-in security booth in our apartment building. “So well lit.”
I waved to the two guards, and they returned the gesture. “Over here, Mama,” I said, leading her to Auburn’s black Bentley, which had a prime parking space since the man owned the whole damn building.
“What a snazzy car!”
“It’s my boss’s. He has a few, so he lets me drive this one for errands on the weekends.”
“How fancy of you,” she teased, sliding into the front seat when I held the door open for her.
“I wanted to show you where I work,” I told her once I was seated behind the steering wheel. My nerves were buzzing, making the tips of my fingers and toes a little numb, and I prayed she didn’t freak the fuck out.
It only took a few minutes to arrive at the office, and I parked at the curb in front of the black stone building with BOUVIER stamped in bold, blood-red letters.
“This is where I work, Mama,” I told her quietly. Shit. Here it comes.
Her eyes rose, taking in the name above a set of dark-tinted glass doors. She was quiet for a long moment before turning to me, and was that… amusement o n her face?
“Auburn’s certainly done well for himself.” There wasn’t an ounce of surprise in her voice.
My mouth dropped open as my mind worked to play catch up. “You… you knew?”
“Mi hijo, I worked in your father's investigation office for over twenty years, and now I’m a licensed investigator. Did you honestly think I didn’t know where my son was working?”
“But…” I scrambled to think of what to say next. “But you never said anything.”
“You’re a grown man, Cruz, and you know I want you to live your own life. I didn’t pry into any of your personal affairs, but I did run a background check for your places of employment and your residence to make sure everything was on the up and up. I’m a mother, after all, and no matter how old you get, I still worry about you.”
“Okay, wow.” My head felt like that brain-exploding emoji, and I massaged my temple. “I wasn’t sure how you were going to take all this.”
“As soon as I saw where you were working, I knew it couldn’t be a coincidence.” Mama reached over and placed her hand on top of mine on the steering wheel. “I’m assuming you’ve met Paul?”
“I have.” I turned my hand over until my palm met hers and wrapped my fingers around her small hand. “Are you mad at me, Mama?”
She answered my question with a question, her soft eyes intent on mine. “Are you mad at me for keeping that secret from you for all these years?”
“I’m not mad. I was really confused at first, and I wanted answers.”
She nodded. “That’s fair. You deserve answers. You know you could have talked to me about it.”
My chest felt tight, and I realized I hadn’t taken a deep breath since we’d arrived. Remedying that, I sucked in some air and blew it out. “It was so soon after Papa died, and I didn’t want to upset you. I found some letters beneath the hot water heater that he was obviously hiding from you, so I guess I decided to do my own investigation.”
“Hmm, I always wondered where he was keeping the letters.”
If my mother had told me she was actually Gisele Bundchen in disguise, I wouldn’t have been more surprised. “You knew about the letters?”
She rolled her eyes. “I was the office manager. I saw the bills for the post office box he rented and figured out that was how Benjamin and Paul must be communicating.”
“And you never said anything?”
“I trusted your father to handle it. He was the peacemaker while I was the person who would throw shoes.”
I laughed at that. “I can’t believe you knew all this time.”
“I don’t know any of the details, and I had no idea what was in the letters. Paul showed up at the house when you were six, and your father and I stayed up all night, worrying he would take you from us. The next evening, Benjamin told me he’d handled it and that I shouldn’t worry. He slept like a baby that night, so I took his word for it.” Her bottom lip trembled. “Maybe I was afraid to know. One of the most important things in a marriage is trust, and I trusted your papa to take that burden from my heart.”
“Paul didn’t want to take me away, Mama,” I said gently.
Her eyes met mine, and she looked nervous. “So you talked to him about all this?”
“We actually have dinner together every week.” Her eyes widened in shock. “I’m surprised you didn’t know that, Miss Investigator,” I teased, and she broke into a laugh.
“I told you, I just checked the basics. I wasn’t keeping tabs on you.” Dipping her gaze, she asked, “How is Paul?”
“Paul is…” I huffed out a sigh. “I don’t think Paul has been okay for a very long time, but he seems to be doing better. His son Monty is back in his life, and he has grandchildren now.”
“I saw on TV that Monty just got married.”
“He did. Kassie is a great woman. They’re actually on their honeymoon right now.”
“I never met him. Only Auburn and Evie.” Her lips turned down, and her eyes filled with tears. “I do miss them very much. I still say prayers from time to time for that sweet girl. I can’t imagine my child going missing and never knowing what happened to them.”
“It’s a horrible situation. I can see the sadness all over Paul’s face when he speaks of her.”
“Evelyn was always a daddy’s girl,” my mother said fondly. “What do Monty and Auburn think about having a brother they never knew about?”
I cringed. “We haven’t told them yet. I’ve been apprehensive, especially at first. Then so many things happened in their lives, and I didn’t want to add more drama,” I told her and then quickly added, “Paul wants to tell them. He’s not ashamed of me or anything.”
Mama’s eyes flashed with indignation. “Of course he’s not! There’s nothing to be ashamed of. You’re a wonderful man, Cruz.”
“Thank you, Mama,” I said softly because I needed to hear that.
No matter what, there was always the stigma of me being the secret illegitimate son of a billionaire. Paul did everything in his power to not make me feel like that, but my perception of it was hard to shake completely.
I swiveled a little in my seat. “Will you tell me your side of what happened all those years ago? Why you left New York and didn’t tell Paul he had another son?”
Mama’s face tightened, but she nodded her head. “First of all, I want you to know that leaving wasn’t my choice.” Then she went silent for a long time, her eyes following the passersby on the sidewalk. When she spoke again, her voice was low and raspy. “Lying was though. I wouldn’t blame you if you hated me.”
A single tear made its way down her face, and it cut right through me. I lifted her hand and kissed the back of it with all the affection and love I felt for my mother.
“I could never hate you, Mama. We all have things we haven’t been honest about. You, me, and Paul, and I don’t think any of those lies were malicious.” I thought of my own secret that I’d been keeping from Monty and Auburn, and I decided it was finally time to tell them, come what may.
As though her eyes were melting, a torrent of tears slid down Stella Estrada’s face, the softness giving way to a fierce determination. “I would do it again for you. I would sell my soul to the devil to protect my children.”
I took Mama gently in my arms, and her body trembled like a feather in a windstorm as she finally let loose. “I was so young and so afraid,” she cried, pressing her face against my shirt, her sadness soaking the fabric.
I patted her back and kissed the top of her head, allowing this strong woman her moment of fragility. She didn't show it often. When her sobs slowed, I said, “It’s okay, Mama. You don’t have to talk about it.”
“I really do. You deserve to know.” She sighed heavily and lifted her head, swiping vigorously at the wet spot she’d left on my shirt. It was such a mom thing for her to do, and I almost smiled.
“When you’re ready.”
She stopped wiping at my shirt and raised her chin, her tenacity returning with the simple movement. “I’m ready. I haven’t talked about this in years. It was a very painful time in my life, and...” I could see the apprehension warring with determination in her eyes. “Do you think Paul would come over some time so I can talk to both of you and not have to tell it more than once?”
“Of course. He’s mentioned he was interested in talking to you.”
She cringed. “Does he absolutely hate me? Do you think he just wants to yell at me?”
I let out a half-laugh half-scoff noise. “Not at all, Mama, and if he does, I’ll set him straight,” I told her, teasingly punching my palm with my fist. “Paul’s out of town for a few days, but I’ll text him and see if we can get together when he gets home.”
“Well, that’s my new favorite way to wake up,” I groaned as Lehra rolled her hips one last time. She was on top of me, and I was still inside her after some sexy morning lovemaking.
“My grandmother always said there’s nothing better than a morning ride, and I have to agree,” she said, shoving a wild chunk of curly hair behind her ear.
I put on my best scandalized face. “Your grandmother said that?”
She shrugged and flashed me a playful smile. “She grew up on a horse farm, so in all honesty, she was probably talking about her morning jaunts on her mare, Becky.” Lehra bent down and bit my bottom lip before sucking it into her mouth and releasing it with a pop. “I personally prefer a morning ride on a stallion.”
Growling, I rolled us over until I was on top. “Stop tempting me, Tink, or I’ll spend all day in this bed with you.”
“I’d like that, but you can’t. Paul will be at your apartment in an hour.” Her voice softened, and she held my cheek. “Are you nervous about him and Stella meeting for the first time in so many years?”
I reluctantly withdrew from Lehra’s warm pussy and stretched out beside her so we were facing each other. “Maybe a little. Hopefully it won’t be World War Three. I’m not sure I could deal with that.”
“I’m sure it will be fine. Mr. Paul always seems so mellow.” She gave me a smack on the butt. “Plus, I bought bagels for you to use to pacify them if things get heated.”
Lifting up on one elbow, I popped my eyes wide. “You got bagels? From Bagley’s? Woman of my dreams!”
Lehra laughed and drawled, “Yeah, yeah, whatever. Gianna and I dropped some off at Kassie and Monty’s yesterday before they got home from the honeymoon. They were planning to sleep for a full day because of the jet lag. Since they’ve been gone for a few weeks, we figured they didn’t have much food in the house and wanted them to have something to eat when they woke up.”
“Yeah, I got a text from Monty that basically said, We’re home. Don’t call us unless you want to die. ” Her nose crinkled, and I frowned in question. “What’s wrong?”
“I’m lying in a wet spot now.”
I kissed her ear before rolling off the bed. “I’ll get you a towel, but next time, maybe you’ll think of that before you decide to treat me as your own personal stallion.”
“Like you were complaining,” she retorted at my back, and I laughed.
Lehra’s eyes scraped up and down my naked body when I returned. “What’s that look?”
Her grin was wicked. “We should do a horseback riding instructor role play. I was picturing you in riding clothes.” She fanned herself. “Totally hot.”
Slipping the towel beneath her, I kissed a circle around her belly button. “I’ll try to find somewhere upstate where we can rent some horses. Maybe we can spend a weekend up there when it warms up.”
She tugged my hair until I looked up at her. “Don’t forget the jodhpurs.”
My mother was a ball of nervous energy. I’d thoroughly cleaned my apartment before she came last week, but so far today, she’d dusted the baseboards, cleaned the oven, and changed all the sheets—even though I hadn’t slept on mine at all.
“Do I need to give you a shot of vodka and a Valium?” I asked when I caught her trying to stand on the bed to clean the ceiling fan.
“You have some?” she asked so quickly I almost laughed.
“I have some whipped cream vodka, but no Valium. Though this is New York City. I could probably find some within half a block.”
Mama’s eyes almost ballooned out of her head. “You’re not buying drugs off the street are you, Cruz? Do you have any idea how dangerous that is? Haven’t you heard about fentanyl?”
I let her rant on for a couple minutes before assuring her I was not taking any sort of street drugs. At least when she was nagging me, she wasn’t cleaning anything.
She let out a little squeak when the knock came on the door, and I gripped her hand. “Mama, it’s okay.”
“You’re right,” she said, nodding vigorously as I led her back to the living room.
After a reassuring squeeze, I released her hand and walked to the door, swinging it open. Paul looked a little nervous as well, but he wrapped me in a hug like he usually did, though this time he held on for a few extra seconds.
“Good to see you, son.”
“You too, Paul.” I stepped back to let him in, and his eyes went directly to the woman standing beside the couch with her hands twisted at her waist.
They stared at each other, and something electrified the air in my apartment as I closed the door, observing them. My mother took a tentative step forward, and Paul closed the rest of the distance, reaching for both her hands.
“Star,” he breathed, and a shy smile curled across her lips.
Star? I’d never heard anyone call my mother Star before. And is she blushing?
“You look wonderful, Paul.”
“And you’re as stunning as ever, Star.”
What the hell is happening right now? And why are they still holding hands?
Shaking my head, I attempted to clear away the very confused cobwebs forming in my brain. I was well aware that Paul and my mother had been… intimate . I was exhibit freaking A. But it had always been some vague notion in my head.
Not anymore. Now it was slapping me directly in the face, and the attraction—or whatever you wanted to call it—was palpable in the room. I wasn’t sure how to feel about that.
Mama was the first to break away, stepping back and gesturing toward the couch. They sat, no longer staring, but certainly casting frequent glances at each other.
I couldn’t help but think it was kinda cute.
“Lehra got bagels,” I announced. “What would you two like to drink?” Both requested orange juice, and I headed to the kitchen. While warming the bagels, I arranged a tray, poured the juice, and added a shot of vodka to mine. Yeah, it was only ten in the morning, but I was going to need liquid fortification to get through this.
At least they’re not fighting , I told myself, carrying the food and drinks into the living room. Mama and Paul were chatting easily, showing each other pictures of their grandchildren on their phones.
After we’d all prepared our bagels how we liked them, Paul took a small nibble of his before huffing out a loud sigh and then letting his words come out in a rush. “Stella, first of all, I want you to know that I don’t blame you for leaving all those years ago. I was angry at first, but I finally came to the realization that you probably had no choice, due to… certain influences.”
Also known as Chloe Bouvier.
My mother seemed taken aback by his statement, but her shoulders visibly relaxed. “Thank you for saying that, Paul.”
Then he launched into the story I’d heard several times, and Mama listened aghast. “So Chloe threatened to take Auburn and Evie and leave the country? But she rarely had anything to do with those babies.”
“I know. And she announced she was pregnant again,” Paul said. “I couldn’t let her take my kids, but I also couldn’t lose you. I planned to talk to you about it so you could help me figure out what to do, but you didn’t show up for work on Monday.”
My mother looked horrified. “She fired me and told me to leave the state.”
Paul cringed. “I didn’t know Chloe fired you until I talked to your cousin, but by then, you were already gone. Believe me, Stella, I had no clue, and there’s no way I would have allowed it.”
She stared at him in that way she had. My mom had been like a human lie detector when I was a teenager, and she was using her superpower on Paul. “You really didn’t know.”
He shook his head. “I didn’t. All I knew was that I was being coerced into staying with a woman I despised in order to keep my kids. If I’d known you were carrying my son…” His words trailed off when he turned his sad eyes toward me.
I’d planned to keep my mouth shut and let these two talk it out, but he looked so damn miserable. “There was no way you could have known, Paul, and it wouldn’t have changed anything. Chloe was trying to take your children, and she threatened to expose your relationship with Mama to the press and drag her name through the mud.”
Mama muttered, “Esa perra,” calling Chloe a bitch under her breath.
“Agreed,” Paul replied with the hint of a smile before glancing back at me. “I would have done anything to have kept you two in my life if I’d known. I could have… I don’t know… hired a hitman or something.”
“Dios mio!” Mama exclaimed, smacking him on the arm. “Don’t make me take my shoe off, Paul Bouvier. Don’t even speak of such things.”
He shrugged wryly. “You live with that evil woman for almost forty years and then tell me you wouldn’t have some dark thoughts.” With a small smile, he changed the subject. “I really liked Benjamin, and I’m so sorry for your loss, Stella.”
She dipped her chin and nodded. “Thank you. He was a wonderful husband and father and treated Cruz like he was his own.”
“I know he did. How did you two get together? I tried not to pry too much regarding you because I didn’t want Ben to feel any more uncomfortable than he already did by talking to me. We mostly spoke about Cruz.”
Mama laughed softly and took a drink of her juice. “My mother was scandalized when she found out I was pregnant out of wedlock. She insisted I call the father immediately and get married, but I told her that was impossible.” She puffed out a breath and shook her head. “She made it her mission to find me a husband.”
I took a bite of my cinnamon bagel and listened with rapt ears. Of course I’d never heard this before. Mama and Papa always told us they met at church.
My mother took a nibble of her bagel before replacing it on her plate. “Apparently, Benjamin Estrada had a crush on me during high school. I was not that interested in boys back then, so I never noticed. But my mother did. When she learned he had moved back to town after college, she decided to play matchmaker.”
She chuckled and shook her head, lost in her memories. “I was having morning sickness all day every day, and to be honest, I was tired of hearing her yap about me being an unwed mother all the time. About what the people at church would think. So I agreed to marry him, mostly so I could get out of that house.”
Mama glanced up and seemed almost surprised that we were still there. “I hate to admit it, but I was terrible to Benjamin after we got married. Refused to share a bed with him, spoke only when necessary.” She threaded the paper napkin between her fingers. “It wasn’t until Cruz was born and I watched how he treated my baby that I finally saw him for the man he was.”
A tear snaked down her cheek, and Paul reached up and swiped it away as if it were the most natural thing in the world. “I’m sorry you lost him, Star. And I’m so grateful for Benjamin. For your sake and for Cruz’s. He loved his family very much.”
And that’s when the dam broke. A torrent of tears washed down my mother’s face, and I stood in a rush to get to her, but Paul beat me to it. He pulled her to him, his touch gentle and somehow familiar as he stroked her dark hair and let her cry against his shoulder. I settled back in my chair, feeling kinda like an intruder.
“I’m so sorry, Paul. How can you not hate me for taking your son away?” Her words were barely audible through her sobs. “I’ve carried this guilt for so many years about it. I’m such a horrible person for doing that to you.”
He clutched her more tightly before pulling back and lifting her chin with his fingers. “Don’t say that, Star. I never hated you. Was I angry at you for leaving? Yes, but I could never hate you. My heart wouldn’t allow it.”
My hand covered my mouth to contain my gasp as I realized the truth. Paul Bouvier still loves my mother. Even after all these years.
And I couldn’t even muster any negative feelings about that because her sobs subsided at his softly spoken words.
“You don’t hate me?” she asked on a hiccup.
He shook his head. “Not at all. I regret not being able to be closer to my son as he grew up, but I know you were only doing what you thought was right.” Smoothing a strand of her hair behind one ear, he asked. “Can you tell me why you never told me the truth? We could have worked something out. You didn’t have to be afraid of me.”
“I wasn’t afraid of you. It was… her .”
“Chloe,” he gritted out through his teeth, and Mama nodded.
“She told me you wanted me to leave. She said you were excited about the new baby and wanted me gone so you two could work things out.”
Paul stood abruptly and moved behind the couch where my mother sat, pacing back and forth as he ran both hands through his hair. “When was this?”
“That Friday after we were together. She came home and surprised me. About noon, I think.”
He whirled to face her, the fingers of his left hand flexing. “I hadn’t even spoken to Chloe at that time. I didn’t even know she’d come home from her trip.”
“So… you didn’t…”
“Shit,” Paul cursed, shaking out that same hand. “I never said that, Star. What else did she say?”
“Sh-she said you were only playing around with me, and I was a dumb girl for thinking a man like you would ever have a real relationship with the help . Then she stuffed some money in my purse and said it was from you. I’d never felt so… cheap.”
I could hear Paul’s teeth grinding together. “That fucking bitch,” he snapped. “I wish she was still alive so I could strangle the life from her. She brought nothing but misery to everyone who knew her. She—”
He grunted and coughed a couple times, as if he were in pain. As soon as he clutched at his left shoulder, my medical training kicked in and I shot from my chair. “Paul, does your shoulder hurt?”
He sucked in a few breaths, very shallow ones, as I rounded the couch. “Just… probably… pulled something.” His hand slid to his chest, fingers working back and forth. “Just some… tightness.”
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
In the calmest voice I could muster, I shot a sharp look over my shoulder. “Mama, call an ambulance. He’s having a heart attack.”
She let out a squeak of fear at the same time Paul emitted a grunt of protest. “I’m… fine.”
And then he collapsed in my arms.
I could hear Mama on the phone as I laid him out on the floor and checked him over. His pulse was thready, and his face blanched of color. He was conscious and still breathing—barely—so I didn’t need to start chest compressions. We just needed to get him to the hospital as soon as fucking possible.
“Cruz.” The single word was so weak and yet said so much. It was round and full of love.
Tears welled in my eyes when his eyelids closed, and I clutched his face in my hands in a panic. “Dad, wake up. Please, Dad.”
His eyes popped back open in surprise, and his lips tipped up in a small smile. “Y-you called me Dad.”
It was the first time I’d ever said it to him, and that burned my cheeks with shame.
“Because that’s what you are. I’ll say it every day if you’ll just stay with me.”
Tears dripped from my eyes and landed on his chin and neck. His face was ashen and sweaty, and I needed a goddamn ambulance right fucking now .
His breathing became more labored, and he reached up to cup my wet cheek. “S’okay, Cruz.”
My chest hurt like I was having a heart attack of my own, though I knew it was something else causing my pain. I’d held this man at arm’s length for years, feeling like it would be disloyal to the man who raised me if I let Paul in. But I knew now that love was bigger than that. There were no limits on how many people you could love. It was infinite.
So I leaned down and pressed a firm kiss to his damp forehead and whispered the words I should have said long ago.
“I love you, Dad.”