Chapter 21
Twenty-one
HOPE
Work is awkward. Dimitri isn’t looking at me, let alone talking to me, like seeing me in Jax’s jersey drained something of him, put up a wall between us. I want to knock it down, but since talking is clearly not an option, it makes for a tense ride to work.
Knox tries to say something to Jax, but Jax shakes his head, saying now isn’t the time. Jaxon starts to walk into the building, then turns and kisses me gently. He gives me a threadbare smile. “I feel better today.”
“Your back?” I ask.
He smirks at my growing blush, then chuckles. “Among other things.”
Pressing his forehead to mine for a second, he rubs my lower back, then walks into the building. Knox brushes his hand along mine and nods to me once, like a promise that we’re fine. That everything will be fine.
Dimitri ignores me, walks past me like I’m not there. He doesn’t even hold the door, but he doesn’t jerk it shut either.
Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath. Just focus on work. Not Gauge, not Dimitri. Just work.
Because trying to focus on anything else will kill me.
Still, in those moments between rounds of treatment, my mind wanders. But I try to keep myself in check and not let myself drown. Never again.
My appointment with Jax helps, since he’s all sweetness and warmth, all gentle reassurances and flirting only he can get away with considering how naughty it is.
“What are we going to do? They found the cabin, it’s only a matter of—”
He cups my cheeks in his hands and kisses my forehead, then between my eyebrows, and finally my lips. I shudder and remember how perfect he felt inside me. Thick, big, good.
“I promised you’ll always be safe. I mean it, Hope. You’ve done enough and been through enough,” he whispers and walks out of my office.
But it doesn’t feel like I’m safe. Maybe physically. But the weight of knowing that Knox is ready to throw himself to my defense and take the blame is too heavy for me to shoulder. I have to remind myself that the police don’t have the answers that would bring them to our front door.
Yet.
“Delivery for you, Hope,” Coach Carpenter says as he opens the door. He looks at me and nods. “If you need more time or anything—”
“No. Really. Work is keeping me from going a little crazy,” I say with the best smile I can manage.
“I’m glad it’s not more on the stress pile,” he answers with a shrug before offering me a box.
Once he walks away, I lock the door, not knowing who the package is from. There’s no return address. My brow furrows, but I open it slowly, using the pocketknife Jax got me.
I almost drop the box when I see what’s inside. I bite my tongue to muffle my scream and stumble back, tripping over my feet and landing on my ass, still able to see what’s in the box.
My father’s hand, wedding band still there, and a bullet casing.
My eyes water, twisting the decomposing hand into something alive and every blink makes it move, like it’s trying to crawl out of the box to strangle me or shove the bullet into my mouth so I choke on it.
Jax… Knox…
I want any of my guys, but since Dimitri’s taken himself out of the game, I feel like I only have two options at the moment. I force myself to close the box and shove it in my bottom drawer, locking it. I can’t let anyone else see this.
They can’t take it in for evidence. They’ll find him.
And I need to find someone to give me sanity.
My stomach twists and I press my lips tightly together as I hurry out of my office. I try to stay calm as my eyes scan for Knox. I don’t know where he is, why he isn’t here with the rest of his team. Jaxon’s missing too.
“Ben! Where are Knox and Jaxon?” I ask.
“Um… I think Coach Carpenter is talking to Jaxon about plays. Knox… honestly, I’m just trying to stay out of his way,” Ben says.
My eyes flick around the room again and again as I bounce from foot to foot, probably confusing plenty of the people around me, but anxiety requires an outlet and screaming isn’t an option.
Then my eyes land on Dimitri, who’s watching me between sets of squat presses.
DIMITRI
Hope’s terrified, anxious, and about to burst. I recognize the signs. But I also recognize that she was looking for Jaxon or Knox first. Because she always wants them. She always chooses them, goes to them. She makes me into the pitiful tagalong fighting for scraps her of attention.
She finally meets my eyes when I finish my set and drop the weights off my shoulder and into the rack. I stretch as she takes a step towards me, glances at her office, then gives me a pleading look.
Why should I go?
She has Jaxon and fucked him last night to prove it. She’s already fucked Knox. I’m only the first choice when the others aren’t around.
Being in this kind of relationship can’t be easy on her.
We started out terribly, but she dotes on Jaxon and Knox, gives them more of herself than she gives me.
It’s like she knows she wants all of us, but doesn’t need me.
I’m not ever her true first choice. I’m never the one she needs.
I’m just the one who picks up the fucking slack.
She takes another step towards me, but I get up and remind one of the guys that the sauna can help relax our muscles and minimize cramps as long as we hydrate. I don’t even know if it’s true. I never asked Hope.
When I walk with two of them towards the sauna, I glance back and see Hope’s face fall. She’s used to me stepping in, supporting her, doing whatever she needs without her having to ask.
Maybe that’s why she thinks she doesn’t have to do a thing for me. It’s why she thinks that I’m happy with the leftovers of her affection. Whatever she’s dealing with, she’ll have to handle on her own.
It’s not even out of malice, really. Yeah, I’m jealous, but I have my own life and I’m just as eager to be done with all the shit that happened with Coach. Hope has to learn to handle the guilt and to push through.
Or to ask for what she really wants and needs from the one guy in the group that will put her before his sex drive.
While in the sauna, my mind still swirls. I wonder if she finally found Knox or Jax to fix whatever problem she has. I wonder if she realizes how much attention she’s given them over me. Mostly I wonder if she’s having another panic attack that only Jax can fix.
The assholes barely let me hold her at night. They’re always there. All I want to do is help her, love her, show her the kind of softness and warmth I’m capable of until she begs me to fuck her.
Whether I deserve it or not.
After a shower, I head to the car, not bothering to look for my best friends. They’ll just piss me off by smiling and joking or comparing notes on Hope. Then I’ll be the asshole for bringing down the mood.
I sit on the hood and try to calm my temper when Hope finds me. She has a box in hand and her face is so pale, I’m worried she’s going to pass out. She walks to me with determined steps, then sets the box next to me.
“That for me?”
“That is a problem, but not as much of a problem as whatever’s going on here,” she answers me.
I arch an eyebrow.
“I’m serious, Dimitri. That’s something…” She stares a moment, then shakes her head. “I have to get rid of it. Whatever. You… you’re more important.”
I cross my arms over my chest. “That’s new. Since you obviously care less about me.”
This is the “dick” way to fix things. I know that. But I’m tired of feeling like I don’t measure up. I’m tired of feeling unloved even if that’s what I deserve. I didn’t offer to kill her dad. I didn’t give her anything to help with it. I hurt her…
“I don’t care about you less.”
“You certainly don’t love me as much as you love the guys. Why?” Again, I’m sure it’s a stupid question coming from me. I know why. I hurt her, bullied her, never gave her anything soft or gentle until I realized how bad shit was with her dad.
Even then, we weren’t always the easiest to handle.
Jax offered her moments where he was real, where he wanted to be more, wanted to take care of her.
Knox beat the shit out of her dad the moment he put the ideas together.
He went after her right away. He’s been there with righteous fury on her behalf while I’ve been trying to make sure Jax and Knox don’t burn the whole world down for her while letting her get caught in the flames.
Hope looks away and tucks her hair behind her ear. “I… I don’t think I can love anyone.”
That’s not what I was expecting. “What? But you and Knox… Jax…”
“If I don’t love myself, if I don’t know what real, proper love feels like, how can I love someone else, Dimitri?” she asks, voice fragile and small. “I don’t even know who I am without every terrible thing I want to forget.”
My anger drains from me while seeing her fold in on herself. She hasn’t told the guys this. I know because I wouldn’t have heard the end of it. I step closer to her. “You aren’t just those moments, Hope.”
She laughs a bitter laugh. “I always have some kind of problem, always have someone hurting me. As far as I’m concerned, I’m a lightning rod for abuse. It’s not… I don’t need sympathy, it’s just how I see it.”
“Then you need to get your eyes checked,” I say.
But I get it. I don’t know if I can be loved even though I know I want to show her how much I love her.
How obsessed I am with her. “You’re strong enough to not only survive everything you’ve been through, but to keep fighting.
You took ownership of your story every time you said something, when you fought back, when you left to create a life you wanted.
You’ve defended that life and yourself constantly. ”
She looks at me, eyes watering, face softening.
She shifts closer to me, reaches out, then hesitates.
“I really want to hug you. I want to believe you. I want you, Dimitri. It’s not that I care about you less, just differently.
How could I not care about you? You’re steady, you’re stable, you’re sane.
I see it. I appreciate it. I just don’t always know what to do with it… my feelings and you.”
I pull her into my arms and rest my chin on the top of her head, just breathing her in. It’s not perfect. It’s not going to fix how I feel right away, but it’s something.
“What’s in the box, sweetheart? What do you need my help with?”
Her breath is shaky as her arms tighten around me. “I need your help destroying it and… and I want to keep you all in the loop with everything. I can set it on fire myself, but I don’t know if it’s smart and your dad’s a cop so…”
“So,” I say gently.
She peeks up at me. “With or without the guys, I’d still want you.”
My heart swells for a second and I kiss her softly, gently. When she responds, pressing herself closer against me, I almost forget the box until the corner presses into my side.
“Let’s take care of this distraction first, yeah?” I ask.
She gives me a shaky smile and her eyes dart to the box like there’s a snake inside. She nods while sucking her bottom lip. “The less distractions, the better off we all are.”