Chapter 17
Chapter Seventeen
NOAH
I could hear Jessica and Caleb talking while they thought I was asleep. I did drift off, but it wasn’t for long, and then I was on the cusp of sleep and wakefulness. It wasn’t about me eavesdropping as much as it was about giving them that moment they both needed.
When Caleb talked about swapping places, it made my heart ache because if he had the power to I knew he would do it without question. I hate that they’ll have to go through this with me, but what other choice do I have when walking away isn’t an option?
I know me going awol was selfish last night, and I feel like shit for doing it, but I think I just needed a minute before all of our lives changed significantly.
I turn my head, looking towards a now sleeping Caleb. He has Jessica pulled into his chest and his arm is over her hip, resting on my lower abdomen.
His eyes are closed, but his frown lines are evident.
I glance down at Jessica, her body clinging to mine, and gently stroke her hair. It’s soft, like satin.
Is it morbid to think that if the worst should happen to me, they at least still have each other? I’d hate the idea of either of them being left alone.
I’d at least take some comfort in that.
I listen to their breathing and inhale their familiar combined scents. Jessica is sophisticated and sweet, whereas Caleb is earthy and masculine. Together, they smell like home—my home.
There’s still so much I want to do and experience with them both.
And I’m terrified I’ll never get the chance.
I know there’s a saying, ‘Live every day like it’s your last’.
Ironically, it’s one I don’t like. We already know how precious life is, that it’s a gift.
Life is not a dress rehearsal. I just want to be the best version of myself.
Knowing I won’t be able to go back to sleep, I carefully extract myself from Jessica and Caleb. It’s still early, and they’ve been restless.
Aspen sits up in her bed.
“You okay, girl?” I ask, crouching down and scratching softly behind her ear. She tilts her head. “Go back to sleep,” I say and stand again, but she stretches as she gets out of bed and follows me to my home office.
I switch on the lamp and sit behind my desk as Aspen sits on the rug. I pull out my embossed letter paper and Montblanc pen Caleb bought me for Christmas.
I tap my pen against the paper, having so much to say but having no idea where to even begin. After staring at the blank page for a few minutes, I start writing.
Dear Caleb & Jessica,
You are the two most important people of my entire existence, and I love you.
It breaks my heart knowing that if you’re reading this, it means I’m gone.
And for that, I’m sorry.
I’m sorry I won’t get to grow old with you.
To see our future unfold together. If we add to our family with children or fur babies.
Aspen is the best dog a family could ever ask for.
We might have adopted her, but she chose us.
From the moment we met her, she was always meant to be part of our family.
I know this isn’t going to be easy. I know the grief will threaten to suffocate you whole, and I wish I could take away your pain.
But I take comfort in the knowledge that you still have each other.
And together, you’ll carry a part of me with you forever because as much as you are embedded in my soul, I truly believe I am equally as embedded in yours.
I know you’re suffering at the hands of the what-ifs, but please don’t. I will rest easy, having been loved by the two of you.
And know I loved you both in equal measures, even after leaving this earth, the love I feel for you, I’ll carry it with me, always.
Jessica, I never felt incomplete with Caleb, but when you came into our lives, you just fit. You are the piece of us we never knew was missing. I believe it was fate. I just hate that you had to suffer at the hands of it.
I know your grief won’t be linear. It will come all at once, in waves, and there will be days where it feels unbearable, and I know this because of how much I love you, and you love me.
I’m the lucky one for being loved by two amazing souls. And I wouldn’t change us for all the stars in the universe.
I’ll leave this place all the better for knowing you and being cherished and adored by you. You both completed me irrevocably.
I wish you didn’t have to suffer my loss, and for that, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I won’t be there to physically console you, to hold you and tell you both it’s going to be alright.
The grief you’re feeling is natural, and if you both have the lives I wish for you, you’ll both grow old and grey together and grow around that grief.
My biggest fear is you’ll stop living. I don’t want that for either of you. Cherish every moment, the good and the bad. Find something to be grateful for every day, especially on the hard days.
I truly believe we’ll meet again. We’re connected by an invisible thread that ties us all together, a triple flame that transcends time and space.
Soft footsteps interrupt me. I glance up to find Jessica walking into my office, her shoulders relaxing when she sees me.
“Sorry, I was worried when I woke and you were gone,” she says, walking into the room.
I turn the paper over and lay down my pen. “Don’t apologise. Come here.” I hold out my hand and push my chair back as she rounds the desk. She reaches for my hand, and I pull her into my lap sideways, causing her to giggle. The sound is a soothing balm to my soul.
With her legs over the armrest, I pull her close, and she lowers her face for a sweet kiss before brushing my hair away from my forehead.
“Are you okay?” she asks.
“As much as anyone can be.” Who just had a cancer diagnosis, I think to myself.
Her eyes fill with tears, and I cup her cheek. “Hey, sweet girl, come on.”
She sniffs. “Sorry, it’s just, I hate this for you, and I’m scared,” she admits.
I nod. “I know, me too, but I’ve got you and Caleb. If anyone can get me through this, it’s you two.”
Her palm slides over my chest, and I immediately tense as her fingers move closer to the lump. I cover her hand with mine and shake my head.
“Please don’t do that, Noah. Don’t hide from me.”
It’s an innate reaction, but one I can’t help. Sucking in a deep breath, I exhale and, after an internal battle, lift my hand away from hers. She pulls her palm back and lowers her hands to the hem of my t-shirt.
“Can I?” she asks, her eyes searching mine.
I nod and raise my arms as she pulls it over my head, dropping it to the floor.
Keeping her eyes on me, she tentatively caresses her fingers along my bare chest.
I flinch when they roam over the breast tissue where the lump is located, swallowing as her gaze lands there. She lowers her face to kiss the tattoo on my chest, which I added to a few months ago, her and Caleb’s names both over my heart now.
“You’re beautiful, Noah. This,” she says, her warm palm flattening softly over my chest. “The cancer…” Her voice cracks. “It doesn’t define you or make you any less of a man. Not to me, and not to Caleb.”
I swallow hard and nod.
“So please let me love you, Noah. Let me show you.”
Squeezing my eyes closed, I inhale a deep breath, knowing what she’s asking. But when I look down and find her eyes pleading, I know I can’t deny her.
“Okay, whatever you need, sweet girl.”
Her lips pull into a soft smile. “Then kiss me, Noah. Kiss me until I’m delirious with need, then take me back to our bed and make love to me.”
I search her face. Her expression is resolute, even with the uncertainty hanging over our heads. There she is, the strong, confident, kind, and beautiful woman we’ve come to love and cherish.
I lower my mouth to hers and whisper against her lips. “I would never deny you, sweet girl, you know that.” And then I kiss her with all that I am and all that I have.