Chapter 50
Chapter Fifty
NOAH
It’s the first time since my surgery that I’ve been left alone, and yet I’m sitting on the sofa, staring at a blank TV screen in silence, lost to my thoughts.
When I woke from the surgery, I was still a little out of it.
It was only after returning home that it all began to really sink in.
I had a mastectomy and lymph nodes removed.
I’ll know in a few weeks what the outcome is, whether it spread, and if I’ll need treatment. I have swelling and bruising around the surgical site and have noticed some numbness in my chest area.
Jessica has a perpetual look of worry every time she looks at me and the last thing I want to do is cause her any more concern than she already feels. I already hate that I’m the cause.
Even with the swelling and the bruising I can’t ignore the difference in my body, and I am terrified. Terrified to see it in its entirety. Terrified for Caleb and Jessica to see me, and how I no longer feel like the same man they fell in love with.
It’s not like I’ve seen the scar where they cut me open. And I won’t, not until my follow-up but the thought alone makes my anxiety skyrocket. If I thought my anxiety was bad before, it has nothing on how it is now.
Aspen sits up and lays her head on my knees. She’s too damn intuitive for her own good, but I find comfort in her silent support.
“Thanks girl,” I whisper, a secret only we need to know.
“There you are.” I blink as Maggie enters the living room, bags in her hands. “I’ve come to make us all dinner,” she says.
I move to get up, wanting to take the bags from her, my manners kicking in, but with a stern look and the rise of her eyebrows, she stops me in my tracks.
“I’ll be right back. I’m going to get us some tea and biscuits,” she says, already heading to the kitchen, Aspen springing up to follow.
“Traitor,” I say under my breath, but find myself smiling.
It’s been five days since my surgery, and I won’t lie, having Caleb and Jessica here both hovering was becoming suffocating. I get it, if it were either of them, I’d be the same. They will always be my priority.
But then I feel guilty when I find myself getting annoyed with them just for asking if I’m okay or if I need anything.
I’ve had to rein in the urge to come back with a sarcastic comment or lash out.
I’ve had to bite my tongue worried I might snap and that’s not my intent.
It’s why I was glad to have a few hours at home without them, as selfish as that sounds.
I scrub my palm over my jaw, listening to Maggie talk to Aspen as she potters about in the kitchen.
She returns a few minutes later, carrying a tray. It wobbles in her hold, the sound of the china teapot lid rattling has me on edge, worried she’ll drop it and the last thing I want is for her to scald herself.
Thankfully, she places it down on the table without incident before joining me.
“Just letting the tea steep,” she says, her hand going to my knee. “How are you doing, my boy?”
I could argue that I am anything but a boy, but I know it’s a term of endearment and she says it with love.
“I’m fine Maggie. You didn’t have to come over to check on me,” I say as she reaches out to add some custard creams to the plate.
Aspen wags her tail, and Maggie reaches into her pocket and pulls out a dog treat.
“You spoil her,” I say as she holds it out for her.
“She’s my grand-pup, of course I do, it’s my right.”
I mean, I can’t exactly argue with her there.
“Anyway, tell me how you really are?”
I sigh as she reaches for the teapot, lifting the lid. Satisfied, she pours the tea before adding milk and passing me my mug.
“Thank you,” I say, bringing it to my lips and taking a sip.
I watch as she does the same before dunking a biscuit. She raises an eyebrow as she eats, and I know there’s no way I’m getting out of this.
I lower my mug, resting it on the cushion in my lap. “I’m… I don’t know, frustrated, numb, angry,” I admit. “Nervous about the outcome of my follow up.”
Maggie nods. “All valid Noah, but it’s okay to talk it out with Jessica and Caleb. Nothing good can come out of bottling it all up and pushing them away.”
“It’s not on purpose,” I say, my voice tired. “I just feel really angry. Not at them. I’m worried if I say too much, I’ll inadvertently end up hurting one of them and that’s not my intention.”
She holds out the plate, and I take a custard cream for myself.
“They’ll understand. You’re only human, Noah.”
“I just feel like half a man, Maggie.” And it’s superficial to think that way, I know this, it’s why I feel guilty, because what’s the alternative, scars or life?
I know there is no comparison, and I count my blessings. Every day is a gift, but I just feel so damn low.
“You’re not your diagnosis, Noah. And scars don’t define us, internal or external. Talk to Jessica and Caleb, tell them your feelings, your worries, your concerns.”
I force myself to eat the biscuit as I mull over her words.
“It’s a lot to put on their shoulders, they shouldn’t have to carry it.”
She reaches for my arm and squeezes. “Of course not, but they’re here for you for better or worse just as you are them. It’s okay to let your guard down, to air your fears, to be vulnerable.”
“I know, you’re right and too damn wise for your own good,” I say, smiling. She reminds me a lot of my mum. She would have loved Maggie.
Sipping her tea, she just shrugs. “What can I say, I was blessed.”
I nod because she’s not wrong. “And aren’t we the lucky ones for having the privilege of knowing you?”
Her cheeks warm at my words. “Okay, you can have the biggest slice of cheesecake after dinner.”
I know she’s just trying to blow off my compliment, because she’s always treated everyone the same.
“And what’s for dinner?” I ask.
She smiles. “One of your favourites. Pie mash and liquor.”
“Maggie, you might just be one of my favourite people, you know that right?”
Hiding behind her mug, she rolls her eyes, but I don’t miss the curve of her lips before she sips on her tea.
Maybe I needed some tough love. Sitting here wallowing and being angry at the universe isn’t going to help anyone. I hope it will pass, but if it doesn’t, I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.
“I just want my kids happy,” she eventually says, and it warms my heart because she has always treated me like family, no different to how she treats Caleb and Jessica.
“We know, and we love you for it.”
This time she doesn’t hide her smile.