Chapter Nine #2
‘What a perv! Fuck Trent Dawson!’ she’d exclaimed, then dabbed at my teary eyes with a paper towel.
Her words, however, had done nothing to make me feel even remotely better about myself, because Trent wasn’t a perv, not even close.
He was actually a pretty decent guy. It wasn’t him.
It was me, and my body betraying me in the worst possible way.
Trent’s words hadn’t come as some big revelation to me.
I knew I was starting to fill out in my chest area, and that my hips were getting wider.
I knew I would soon get my period too, and I had no clue how I would react to that.
Everything was moving too fast, and it felt like I was spinning more and more out of control.
Then Caleb’s car door had slammed shut behind me, and before I knew it, he was standing next to me, his solid presence comforting as always.
‘Whatcha looking at, K?’ he’d asked, his voice filled with warmth and promises of some place far away where I wouldn’t feel so lost.
‘I… just that crystal ball.’ I’d pointed at the window display, my finger shaking. ‘Isn’t it pretty?’
‘Yeah. Real pretty.’ Caleb had leaned forward next to me, then whistled. ‘Fifty bucks, huh? That’s kinda steep. Even for Lenard.’
‘I know. I’ve been waiting for Lenard to lower the price, but he never does.’ It was true. I’d been eyeing that particular crystal ball for some time now. It just pulled me in whenever I passed Lenard’s small shop of oddities and touristy knick-knacks.
‘Fucking Lenard,’ Caleb had mumbled, and I couldn’t stop the laugh that burst from my lips.
‘You’re not supposed to curse, Caleb.’
‘I know. Sorry, K. Won’t happen again.’ He’d crossed his heart and winked at me knowingly.
‘Liar.’ I’d grinned back as my miserable mood slowly evaporated like morning mist along the cove, slowly giving way to the rising sun. Caleb always had that effect on me. He always made everything better.
‘C’mon.’ He’d wrapped his large arm around my shoulders. ‘Let’s go for a ride down the coast.’ I nodded, leaning slightly into him, breathing him in.
And we did. We drove down the coast, the stereo blasting, the windows open as the wind toyed with our hair, and we couldn’t hear what the other one was saying, so we ended up screaming instead.
When Stereophonics came on, I squealed so loudly that Caleb jumped in his seat, then started laughing with such unadulterated happiness that it reset my entire world again.
Long forgotten were Trent’s careless remark and Lenard’s unreasonable prices.
Long gone were the dreaded school day tomorrow and the next day and the day after that.
There was only this immense sense of freedom and lightness, and Caleb.
‘“Mr. Writer, why don’t you tell it like it really is?”’ We both belted the lyrics from the top of our lungs until we were red in the face and our voices were raw.
That was one of the best afternoons of my life, and every afternoon after, when Caleb drove me down the coast and momentarily away from all my problems.
“You still got that?” My gaze flies to Caleb, standing in the doorway of my room. He looks uncertain, his hands buried in his pockets, a wary smile tugging at his lips.
“Yeah. It’s one of my favorite things.”
“Yeah?” He takes a careful step inside the room and looks around.
I stare back into the vastness of the crystal ball. “Yes. I used to stare at it all the time, wondering what my future looked like, imagining all sorts of things.”
“Like what?” He shifts on his feet as if he can’t decide if he should come closer.
“Like… you know, if I’d ever get the kind of life I was dreaming of. As a boy. As a man.” I look up, and our eyes meet.
He nods, then moves closer, his steps cautious, until he eventually lowers himself down on the end of my bed, leaving plenty of space between us, like he can tell that I need it. Or maybe he’s the one who needs it.
“And did you, K? Did you get the kind of life you were dreaming of?”
“Almost,” I whisper, shrugging. “I’m closer than I’ve ever been, I guess.” The heaviness returns, because what if I never get any closer than this? What then?
As usual, Caleb seems to know what’s in my heart. He scoots a little closer, and I feel the heat from his body instantly.
“But?” he says in that deep voice of his.
I look up only to find his penetrating gray gaze on me. It feels like he’s staring into my very soul. I can’t lie when he looks at me like that. It’s impossible.
“What if I never find someone who’ll want me the way I am?”
Caleb’s face transforms, his eyes darkening, his chin clenching, a hardness to it I don’t often see, like his features are carved from stone.
“You will.” His voice sounds pained, mirroring the pain in my own heart. “You will, K. You’ll meet… someone.” He draws out the last part, as if he were searching for that neutral pronoun. Someone.
“You really think so?” In a sudden burst of boldness, I reach for his hand that lies clenched in his lap and wrap mine around it. I need to feel him. I need the connection. Caleb opens his hand and weaves his fingers through mine, just like yesterday.
“I do,” he says softly, his thumb whispering along my knuckles.
“Why?” I hold my breath, not sure what to do with how I feel about Caleb touching me, even in this chaste way. I want closer, though. I want more.
“Because if anyone deserves it, it’s you, Kayden.
You deserve it more than anyone. Happiness.
Love.” His voice breaks on the last syllable, and he lets go of my hand.
I feel the loss instantly. I realize it wasn’t just back then, when I was a lost kid, that Caleb kept me grounded with his solid presence.
He has the same effect on me now, perhaps even more so.
As much as being close to him sends me into freefall, it’s also him who is right there to catch me again, and that’s so fucking scary.
Caleb clears his throat, and when I look at him, an unspoken question burns in his eyes. He licks his lips, and the simple motion sends sparks flying through my body. “I’m so sorry about yesterday.”
“It’s okay,” I rush out, because I really don’t feel like revisiting yesterday.
He shakes his head, dark bangs falling into his eyes. He pinches the top of his nose, then mumbles something I can’t make out.
“Caleb?” His name hangs in the space between us. He lifts his gaze to mine, and it’s dark with turmoil and restraint.
“Kayden, are you and I… are we okay?” His question hits me with such impact that I almost forget myself. The need to throw myself into his arms, climb into his lap, and wrap myself around him becomes almost unbearable. Are we okay? He continues to stare at me, his expression unsure.
“Caleb,” I whisper, my hands squeezing around the crystal ball. Its cool surface underneath my fingers is the only thing that keeps me tethered and stops me from confessing all the things that have been on my mind lately.
“I’m really sorry about yesterday. I didn’t mean to hurt you.
I just… I didn’t want Stacey to imply anything.
I didn’t want you to feel cornered and like you had to pay for my mistakes.
She was trying to hurt me and went after you.
” His face twists into this mask of anger, and his eyes turn a deep charcoal.
“It’s okay.”
“No, it’s not. I acted as if you don’t matter to me, and you do.” The next part comes out like an afterthought, and I’m not sure it’s intended for me. “Perhaps more than you should.”
Perhaps more than you should. I mull the words over in my head as silence wraps around us. I’m waiting for him to say something more, just like he seems to be waiting for me, but in the end, before either of us can put an end to this agony, Mom’s shrill voice pulls us back to the present moment.
“Kayden! Caleb! Lunch’s ready!”