Chapter Twenty-One #2
I avoid my reflection in the mirror when I wash my hands.
I know I look like shit, and I don’t need to see it.
I dry my hands, then head toward the kitchen, the smell of butter and cardamom wafting toward me.
My stomach churns, bile rising in my throat.
While I’m hungry, I don’t think I’ll be able to eat.
As soon as I enter the kitchen, Emily hands me a cup of steaming hot coffee, then pulls out a chair for me at the small table where we used to eat our breakfast together.
“Sit,” she orders when I linger, and I plop down, and she plants the coffee in front of me.
“Hungry?” I shake my head, reaching for the coffee, wrapping my hands around the rainbow cup I bought Emily at Boston Pride a few years back.
“I’ll save them for later.” She eyes me warily, then sits down next to me.
The kitchen looks exactly the same, and I realize it’s only been just over a month since I lived here.
It feels like an entire lifetime ago. So much has changed. I have changed.
Emily clears her throat. “You ready to tell me what happened?” Her voice is tender, and my eyes begin to sting again, but I bite back the tears.
“Dad found out,” I croak, raising the cup to my lips, blowing at the coffee.
“About you and Caleb?” I nod. “Oh, shit.” Emily cringes, then takes a sip from her coffee. “Not good, huh?”
“No.” And then they come after all, the stupid tears, because not good is the understatement of the century.
Emily grabs my hand. “K, I’m so sorry.” She pauses, and I wipe my eyes. “But… but why did you leave?” My eyes fly to hers, stunned at her question. “I mean, yesterday, when you came here, I just assumed that…”
“That Caleb had ended things,” I finish for her.
“Yeah. I mean, don’t get me wrong, but I know Caleb. He’s not exactly a relationship type of guy.”
I pull my hand away, then lean back in my chair, crossing my arms in front of my chest. It doesn’t surprise me that Emily sees Caleb this way, because I guess it’s the way everyone sees him.
It’s how I saw him until I truly got to know him and what he’s really like when it’s just me and him.
Still, I’m a little annoyed, and I notice the defensive edge to my voice when I speak, “It’s not Caleb.
He didn’t—” My voice breaks, and Emily reaches for me, but I avoid her touch.
“Caleb would… He would fight for us, but I just couldn’t. ”
“Couldn’t what, babe?”
“I can’t be the reason Dad hates him. That their friendship falls to pieces. I just can’t.”
“But that’s… I’m sorry, but that’s bullshit, K.”
I gape at her, surprised by her bluntness. Then again, if you want the truth about something, you ask Emily. “What do you mean?”
“They’re both grown men. Your dad will just have to deal with it. He can’t decide who you love and who loves you; that’s ridiculous.” Emily’s voice vibrates, and she looks angry as hell. “What is this, anyway? The fucking Capulets and Montagues Barnacle Cove edition?”
I involuntarily snort because I know how much Emily hates Romeo and Juliet.
‘The figment of a sadistic, twisted mind,’ she told me when we read it in high school, then threw Shakespeare’s classic in the trash can with a huff.
‘What kind of bullshit message is that? They’re fucking teenagers, and the first time you get your heart broken, you off yourself?
Shit, I should’ve been dead at least ten times by now if that were true. ’
Emily stares at me. “What? It’s true. Your dad will just have to get over himself. So your son falls in love with your best friend? Tough fucking luck. There are far worse things than that. I mean, you could’ve brought home a republican for fuck’s sake.”
“You don’t get it. Mom and Dad have sacrificed so much for me.”
Now Emily is the one snorting. “Oh, I know that’s what you tell yourself, Kayden, but that’s fucking bullshit. What exactly have they sacrificed for you?”
“Everything!” I yell, my voice ringing through the kitchen.
“No, they haven’t. Everything they’ve ever done for you, they’ve done willingly, because you are their child and they love you. Which is exactly the way it should be, I might add. You don’t owe them anything.”
“So why does it feel like I do?” I whisper.
Emily’s gaze softens as she squeezes my elbow. “I don’t know, K, but you don’t, and your parents don’t think so either. Your dad… I know he doesn’t think so.”
“Everything is just so screwed up.”
“I know, babe.”
“How did it all end up so… so fucked up?”
Emily gets up and pulls me with her, wrapping her arms around me. “Everything will be fine. I promise. Your dad is just scared that Caleb will hurt you. But he won’t, will he?”
I sniffle against Emily’s shoulder. “No.” I know it’s true as soon as I speak the word.
Caleb won’t ever hurt me. Then my stomach drops because I hurt him.
I know I did, and that thought alone physically hurts me, like someone has taken a knife to my chest and slit it wide open.
“But I hurt him. I just left, Em. What if I’ve ruined everything? ”
“You haven’t.”
“But I told him not to call me.”
Emily eases me away from her, then smiles at me. “Yeah, well, I’m sorry to break it to you, babe, but I don’t think he listened. Your phone’s been going off in that ridiculously cute fanny pack of yours all morning, and I’ll bet you a million dollars it’s lover boy.”
“It has?” I eye my bag on the counter where I left it yesterday, my heart racing in my chest, hope battling against fear.
“Yeah, he’s probably going out of his mind with worry. You should call him back.”
“It could be Mom.”
Emily shrugs, still smiling like she knows something I don’t. “It could be. Look, I don’t think you’ve ruined anything, K. Caleb’s probably just as big a mess right now as you are.”
“You think so?”
Emily nods, then ruffles my hair. “I know Caleb. Not as well as you do, obviously,”—she shudders, making a yucky face—“but I know him. He’s a good guy.”
I wipe my eyes with my shirtsleeve. “He is. I really love him, Em.”
“I know, and that’s why I’m telling you everything will be okay. You just have to go fight for your man.” Emily grins at me. “Be the real fucking Romeo, K!” She clenches her fist, raising it above her head like some avenging angel. “Be the hero.”
I can’t help laughing, because damn, she really fucking hates Shakespeare.
“So… you’re saying that Caleb is Juliet?
” The tightening sensation in my chest eases just a little.
While I might not have been right about running away, it feels good to be with Emily again.
She’s always been the voice of reason, putting things into perspective.
“Who the fuck cares? You know what I mean. Be the hero of your own story, Kayden, don’t just be the side character in someone else’s.”
“Damn, you sure you shouldn’t be an undergrad in literature instead?”
“Fuck no!” Emily shudders again, and I laugh, then my stomach growls. “Okay, go check your phone and I’ll re-heat the French toast.”
“Yes, ma’am.” I walk to the counter, grab my bag, and pull out my phone.
I’ve got a ton of unanswered calls. Two of them are from Mom; the rest from Caleb.
There are a few messages, too. My heart thumps in my chest, warmth spreading throughout my body.
He didn’t listen. He called me anyway. Emily’s right.
My fingers itch to press his name and call him back, but suddenly I don’t know what to say.
I decide to open the messages instead, the first one from late last night.
Caleb: I know everything’s a mess right now, but we’ll work it out. I promise. I love you
My chest squeezes, reading his words. The confidence he has in us, the determination. With my heart in my throat, I open the next one from early this morning.
Caleb: Baby, please pick up
Caleb: I just came into work, and you’re not here. Neither is your dad. I’m coming over
Caleb: Kayden, please. Just let me know you’re okay
Caleb: If you’re home, then open the door, baby
Caleb: Okay, I’m heading over to your parents’ now
There are no more messages after that, only a few unanswered calls. My heart thunders away, and I can hardly breathe. I read his messages again and again, and I feel… wanted, loved. I hear the worry in his voice in every single word. The fight too. He didn’t listen.
I nearly drop the phone on the floor when it rings.
“What should I do?” I hold up my phone like it’s a venomous snake, Caleb’s name flashing across the screen.
Emily rolls her eyes at me. “Answer it! The fuck, Kayden, just answer it!”
“But—”
“Kayden!” She gives me a stern look, and I swallow, then press the phone.
There’s noise in the background, a rushing sound, then Caleb’s familiar voice floats through the speaker.
“Oh, thank fuck. Baby, is that you? Shit, just a second. I’m pulling over.
Don’t go anywhere.” I stare at my phone, holding my breath.
Then there’s a clicking sound, and some fumbling.
“Kayden? Baby?” His voice sounds panicky, pleading almost.
“I’m here,” I whisper, licking my dry lips.
He sighs with evident relief, his voice trembling. “Oh, thank God. Shit, baby, you fucking scared me to death. Are you okay?”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t…” Hearing his voice makes my longing for him multiply by a hundred.
“Shhh, it’s okay now. Just… just don’t go anywhere, okay? Just wait for me.” Wait for me. Wait for him? “Sweetheart, are you there?”
“What do you mean? Where are you?”
“I’m on my way to Emily’s. I’m just twenty minutes outside Boston.” He pauses, and I recognize the whooshing sound now as cars racing past. “Just don’t go anywhere, okay?”
It’s like my brain has trouble registering his words. Emily looks at me questioningly, mouthing, what?
“You’re on your way to Boston? But how—” my voice breaks.
“I’ll tell you everything when I’m there. Just—” And just like that, Caleb’s voice breaks too. “Just don’t go anywhere, okay? Stay with Emily. Promise me, sweetheart.” The imploring edge returns to his voice, and I nod, his broken sweetheart reverberating in my chest. “Kayden?”
“I promise. I won’t go anywhere.”
I won’t ever go anywhere without you again.
“I’ll wait for you.”
Please hurry.
“Just… just be safe.”
He chuckles in that low, deep way of his, and my body aches to hold him, to touch him, to feel him against me. “I will. I promise.” He pauses, and I can hear him swallow. “Everything will be okay now, okay, baby? I love you.”
I never thought I’d hear those words from him again. I never thought I’d speak them again either, and yet they fall from my lips like the easiest words I’ve ever spoken. “I love you too. I’ll see you soon.”
“See you soon.” I hear the smile in his voice, the panic now gone, replaced by relief, hope. I hang up, then press the phone against my racing heart.
Emily blinks at me. “Oh my God,” she groans, then pretends to swoon.
“What?” I feel all floaty, like I’m in a dream. Caleb’s on his way. He didn’t listen.
“Forget fucking Shakespeare. That’s some real Austen shit you guys’ve got going on.” Emily fans herself, batting her eyelashes.
I blush at her words, Caleb’s voice still ringing in my ears. I love you. Every emotion I’ve felt over the past twenty-four hours seems to hit me all at once, like a tsunami. I move toward Emily and straight into her arms, sobbing like a baby.
She pats my back. “Hey, hey, everything’s okay now.
You heard the man. He’s on his way.” I cling to her, fisting her shirt, until she eventually eases me away from her.
I offer her a watery smile. It feels like I’ve been crying forever.
“Eat something and then take a shower. You know I fucking love you, babe, but you stink.”
“I don’t stink,” I pout, lifting Caleb’s shirt to my nose, smelling it. “I smell fine.”
“You don’t, K. You really don’t. You’re a guy who slept in his boyfriend’s clothes. You stink.” She sticks out her tongue at me, then grabs the two plates piled with French toast. “C’mon, call your mom and tell her you’re okay. I texted her last night, but you know moms. Then we’ll eat.”