CHAPTER 28
“The main thing is being there for your partner,” The woman said as she walked between the other couples.
“Pain alleviation does not have to be wholly dependent on drugs. A simple massage does wonders.”
I glanced at the brunette next to me.
We had a shared moment, both being without our respective partners.
It was the time when the pregnant ladies were getting their backs rub.
The other three couples were enjoying themselves as people in a committed relationship do.
The ease, the humour, the sharp reprimands wrapped in comfortable love when accidentally jabbing your wife’s back…
ha, she told him.
I gestured to the brunette, offering my services and she shrugged with a friendly grin while crawling over to my mat.
Our instructor, wait, she called herself a Nature Led Birth facilitator, Lucianna nodded in approval as the brunette and I came together.
Flexing my fingers I was ready to massage the kinks out her back.
“Fiona Haskell,” Her introduction was warm.
“Madison DuMont,” As was mine.
Fiona shimmied her expensive cardigan off and I knelt behind her in preparation.
“I feel like a reject stood up on the first date.” I muttered as my fingers began to massage her shoulders.
She chuckled a bit.
“Don’t worry. Last week none of our significant others made it to class.”
I snuck a peek at the other couples.
The women were of a particular type and the men were the same.
It wasn’t their looks but the way they behaved.
They were the type of people who frequented those parties Matt would force me to attend when we were married.
Wealthy folks who thought nothing of paying a ridiculous amount of money for these private antenatal classes.
Don’t get me wrong, Lucianna’s Chelsea’s home-cum-workplace was strangely welcoming in spite of the overwhelming décor.
The room we were in was blessedly empty of those crazy looking plants she had littered throughout the lower floor and the painting on the wall behind us was striking.
I wasn’t too sure about the background music though, it sounded like tins being banged underwater.
“If your ex-husband can’t make it,” Fiona murmured.
“You can ask your sponsor to attend. You were referred by Bella Walthamstow, yes?”
My fingers froze and she twisted her head to give me an uncertain smile.
“I hope you don’t think that was rude of me,” she said.
“We all know who you are. Lucianna always notifies her private group members of any newcomers and we usually run in the same social circles anyway.”
I wanted the floor to swallow me up whole.
“Your picture had been in the papers,” she continued to explain.
“And who doesn’t know the Bradleys? No one worth knowing that’s who.”
I just wanted her to stop talking.
“We’re all friends here,” she said without the tiniest hint of patronizing contempt.
“Please don’t feel uncomfortable. It’s perfectly fine. Diana and Henry were both divorced before they got together and look at them now, happy with a baby on the way. He has a child from his previous marriage but that’s neither here nor there.”
I looked across the room as instructed and added more pressure via my fingers.
Fiona winced.
Liam would call her a ‘gobby little shite’.
Why was she talking their business?
Shit.
They had probably all enjoyed a good little chinwag about Matt and me.
How utterly embarrassing.
The next 10 minutes I focused on letting my fingers do the talking instead of my mouth.
No way was I getting into a conversation with her.
What if I blabbed my own business out?
Sometimes my mouth had a mind of its own.
And where in the hell was Matt?
He was supposed to be my ride home today.
Callum had driven me here and would be outside waiting, but Matt had offered to take me home after the class.
The door opened and Lucianna’s assistant ushered in a portly dude with the sternest pair of spectacles I had ever seen.
He looked as if he’d just walked off a movie set, a movie about round teachers with weird moustaches.
Urgh.
Why have a moustache without a beard?
It seemed strange to me.
“Darling,” Fiona gushed, pulling away from me as her hubby hurried over to us.
Yeah, they were all frigging married and wearing massive rocks and bands.
I chewed my lip, knowing Fiona would dump me now her husband had arrived.
Huh, she had already forgotten about me and my magic fingers.
I saw her blissfully closed eyes, she’d been enjoying the massage.
Sighing softly I sat back on my heels then started blushing when Matt breezed past the assistant and headed towards me.
He gave Lucianna a half-wave, smiled in recognition with two of the other men, and finally came to a stop next to me.
Fiona had already returned to her mat and was bringing her husband up to speed while he began rubbing her shoulders.
Massage floozy.
She ditched me like an old, smelly sock without its matching side.
“Hi,” I squeaked out nervously, head tilted up at Matt.
“Hello,” He smiled and knelt down next to me.
I worried he would crinkle his suit.
“Traffic held you up?”
Matt stretched his fingers before settling behind me.
“A finance meeting ran longer than expected. What have I missed so far?”
“Nothing you don’t already know.” I replied, tensing up as his hand landed on my shoulders.
I lowered my voice to a whisper, “Lucianna seems nice.”
Matt, feeling the sudden tension in my shoulders, began a light massage as he leaned forward to get closer to my ear.
“Bella recommended her. Did you have trouble getting here?”
I shook my head then shivered as Matt’s fingers grew bolder.
He had always been good at giving back massages.
Biting my tongue to stop the moan, I relaxed under his hands while Lucianna waffled on about different massage techniques.
“Is this too hard?” he asked, kneading his thumbs between my shoulder blades.
“No, it’s good.” I admitted.
“Makes up for me being late for our first class?” he teased softly.
“Things are hectic in the office.”
“I know.” I murmured back.
Things might have been hectic at his work, but they were downright awkward between us.
We weren’t a proper couple and hadn’t really discussed the snogging incident from last week.
I also continued to harbour some residual anger over the memory box debacle.
This was the first time seeing each other since then and I was glad we weren’t alone.
We had spoken every day in between though.
Matt would call at random times during the day to check up on me and the bump.
There hadn’t been any further admission of love on his part, and I was reluctant to admit my own feelings.
The lucid dreams of us together were bad enough.
“We will now move on to the different labour and birth positions,” Lucianna’s suggestion was met with a few groans from the other couples.
I twisted my head to catch Matt’s gaze.
He looked as uneasy as I did.
Birth positions?
I remained undecided about my actual labour.
The thought of getting sliced…
ow…
add the recovery time of a C-section…
but I was also unsure about a natural birth.
My research confirmed it was possible to have a natural birth with twins, as long as the first baby out wasn’t breeched, it would be doable.
Would my vagina be up to it?
That was the million dollar question.
Those warnings and pictures I had seen about vaginal tears were scary.
Maybe I could join the ‘too posh to push’ brigade, except I wasn’t posh and the slicing thing…
yeah, not happening.
Time was not my friend though, I couldn’t put off the decision forever.
Vaginal delivery could possibly damage my pelvic floor which would in turn fuck with my core strength.
Then there was the damage to my abdominal walls if I had a c-section.
My muscles were already under siege of softening by hormone fluctuations.
I was screwed either way.
“I don’t want to do this.” I grumbled to Matt very quietly in case the others heard.
I didn’t see the point of it to be honest, my pregnancy books and the internet gave me all the relevant information.
“Nathan and Bella said it was-”
“We’re not Nathan and Bella.” I pointed out.
Matt looked at me for a moment then bamboozled me with his panty-soaking smile.
I knew I had lost before he even spoke.
“Let’s give it a go,” he murmured.
“And if after a few classes you still don’t want to do it, we’ll stop.”
Under the panty-soaking smile haze I nodded.
What was a few more classes?
Time, yes.
Money, yes, but not my own.
Hey, maybe I could poach some of Lucianna’s rich clients.
I was toying with the idea of starting a dance class for pregnant women who wanted to keep fit without having to do so via the usual methods of the gym or swimming.
I would sound out Fiona, she owed me for the back rub.
“What?” Matt asked when he noticed my expression.
“Business idea.” I quipped then fell silent and watched Lucianna get on all fours as she assumed the first birth position.
Matt and I exchanged another look.
“I’m not doing that.” Came my staunch warning.
“You don’t have to.” Matt agreed as he eyed our instructor with an arched eyebrow and pursed mouth.
I giggled.
He grinned.
It was a nice moment.
An hour later we left our first antenatal class, armed with a bag of pregnancy goodies and books on relaxation techniques.
Guess these were included in the cost.
Next week class would be structured around setting our birth plans.
“Do you mind if we stop by the house first?” Matt asked while relieving me of the goodie bag.
“I need to pick some paperwork up and drop it off at Nathan’s. It won’t take long. Bella has been asking after you. Have you been ignoring her calls?”
If I had real spidey senses they would be tingling right now.
Observing Matt from openly suspicious eyes I asked, “Is this going to be a set-up sort of scenario? It feels as if it could be.”
Matt stopped and shook his head before reaching over to chuck me under the chin.
“I’ve missed your craziness.”
“Yeah right.” I mocked, secretly tickled over his words.
I wanted to confess how much I missed him, but luckily my self-preservation urge kicked in.
“Um, how far did you park?”
“The next street, I couldn’t find parking here.” he advised and held an arm out, such a gentleman.
Ignoring his arm, and the increased tempo of my heart, I shuffled my feet forward.
“Dante’s in his new place. I can’t believe how fast it’s happened. It feels unreal.”
Matt fell into step with me.
“Yes, he mentioned something along those lines.”
“You guys are still enjoying your bromance then,” I tried to keep my tone light and joking in an effort to hide my inner jealousy.
Dante and Matt would never be close friends, but they were building something.
I remained undecided whether it was actually a good thing.
“Bromance? Humph. Promise me you won’t use slang around our children,” Matt drawled.
“I’m hoping they don’t pick up your accent, although you’ve been sounding more and more like a-”
“Don’t say it,” I cautioned, enjoying our easy banter.
“If you only imply I sound like a Brit, I will,”
“What?” he challenged before taking my elbow as we crossed the street.
I knew exactly what to say.
“Teach them to say zee instead of zed for starters.”
“It’s zed not zee .” Matt defended the last letter of the alphabet, English style that is.
“Then you have the to- may- to versus to- mah- to.” I continued with a chuckle.
“You know damn well it is tomato,” he stressed the ‘mah’ for my benefit.
“And the battle of o-u-r against o-r, for words like ‘colour’ and ‘flavour’-”
“Don’t you dare,” Matt dropped his voice in mock horror.
“Our babies will be able to spell correctly.”
Ours.
Not mine, or his, but ours.
Whenever he used that possessive pronoun my heart melted.
Then I would harden it back up and remind myself not to fall head over heels in love with him again.
It was ok to be fond of him, extremely fond of him; but I wasn’t going down the freaking love lane with Matthew Bradley ever again.
Why fight it?
Stupid brain, it had been asking me that question ever since Matt admitted he was still in love with me.
And I had agreed to try…
to give us a second chance.
A second chance meant opening myself up to him, it meant risking my heart again.
“I’m parked right there.” Matt pointed out the car a few metres away.
“Matt,” This time it was my hand touching his elbow.
“Mmm?” He kept moving us along.
“You look nice today.” Chicken shit.
I had punked out.
“You always look nice in a suit.”
“I know.” he replied smugly.
Shaking my head I followed him to the car and murmured ‘thanks’ when he opened the door for me.
My eyes tracked his movements as he walked around the car to get to the driver’s side.
“Buckle-” he paused, giving me a surprised look when he saw I had already done it without the need of a reminder.
“Yeah,” I nodded, just as smug as he was moments ago.
“Responsible grown up right here.” It had become second nature now whenever I got in a vehicle.
“Good,” Matt shut his door and buckled up himself.
“I’m quite proud of you.”
After making sure my bag and the stuff from the antenatal class were properly placed on the backseat, Matt drove off.
“We should talk, shouldn’t we?” I was going to be brave and broach the topic first.
I was going to maintain control.
Matt nodded before giving me a quick sidelong look.
“Yes, it was one of the reasons I wanted to take you home today,” His tongue moistened the corner of his lips.
“To talk about where things stand.” He shot me another glance.
“With us.”
“Where do they stand?” I asked.
His jaw tightened for a moment and now keeping his eyes firmly on the road ahead he replied, “Wherever you want them to.”
“It’s up to me?” I needed to have a clear understanding.
God knows we’d had enough misunderstanding between us to last a lifetime.
Matt nodded in confirmation as the muscles in his jaw clenched again.
“Completely up to me? No pressure?”
He slowed down for the traffic lights then turned towards me.
“That was one of our problems. Me pressuring you,”
I nodded.
“I’m planning on not making the same mistakes.” he added.
The lights changed and we were moving once more.
“Oh,” Then I would need to point out certain things, it wasn’t done with malicious intent.
“You did kind of pressure me into private healthcare, I liked my midwife and the NHS is quite good.”
Matt opened his mouth to most likely defend himself but I held a finger up and he remained silent.
I continued, “And this bourgeois antenatal class, you pressured me into this also.”
Matt tapped a finger over the steering wheel for a few seconds before calmly stating, “It’s not bourgeois. That word denotes characteristics of the middle class and their materialistic values and attitudes. Lucianna is not middle class.”
I wanted to laugh at his demeanour.
Matt could almost always wring a smile or chuckle out of me, no matter the circumstance.
“You’re still the same old Matt,” I drawled, partly amused and desperately wanting to muss up his neat hair, maybe loosen his tie also.
“I’ve changed.” he said.
“I’m trying my best to change, that is.”
Hearing the determination in his voice gave me hope.
I had changed myself.
Instinctively my hand found its way to his knee and with a soft pat I took the first true steps towards our second chance.
“I know you’re trying,” I smiled when the corner of his mouth tilted up in a pleased grin.
“But don’t change too much. I liked who you were before, for the most part.”
Matt laughed then sighed heavily.
“I’m not wholly to blame though. Don’t think you’re completely innocent.”
Yep.
Same old Matt.
I squeezed his knee then returned my hand to my lap.
“I know.”
“We have to be upfront with each other,” he continued.
“No lies.”
The scoff left my mouth before I could stop it.
He was one to talk about being ‘upfront’.
Matt was Mr Secrets himself.
“I don’t want you shutting me out,” his tone softened.
“I hated when you did that.”
“I know.” And I did know it was one of my many failings.
“It’s easier said than done. I never wanted to disappoint you and sometimes it was just less hassle to keep everything inside. You’re guilty of doing it yourself.”
“We’ll make a list.” Matt perked up and I squashed my internal groan.
These darned lists of his.
He nodded, more to himself than me.
“A visual marker of all the things we need to work on.”
“If you want.” My less than enthusiastic reply made him laugh again and I soon followed.
The ease between us was natural, it had always been that way regardless of how much we fought.
This couldn’t be wrong.
The emotions he made me feel…
how could this be wrong?
I looked at his profile as we sped through the light traffic.
He had such nice ears.
Chewing my lower lip I pondered our problems.
Maybe we just didn’t need to be married.
Perhaps that was where we went wrong.
I loved him.
I was carrying his babies and I loved him.
But could I truly trust him again?
Two, five, ten, fifteen years down the line.
Would it be enough?
Could I ever forget his past callous treatment of me?
Would it be smart to let it go and move on?
I didn’t want to be foolish about this, but I also didn’t want to live constrained by the past.
I had done so for the majority of my life and it was exhausting.
Could we really try again without the past fucking up any attempts for a future together?
“Matt, I – oh God! ”
The van seemed to have appeared out of nowhere.
On an imminent crash course with my side of the car.
In the movies time is supposed to slow down when experiencing a near-death situation.
The ‘life flashing before your eyes’ sequence is supposed to happen in a clichéd burst of colour.
Time didn’t slow down for me, time simply stopped.
I swore in that stillness of time I heard my mother’s voice as clear as if she was right next to me.
Then time resumed and Matt was slamming on the brakes while I shut my eyes tight and clutched my stomach.
I didn’t want to see it happen, it was better that way.
Matt’s left hand was pressed protectively over the top of my stomach as the car screeched to a bone shaking halt and my body jerked forward.
Seatbelts were great.
Matt’s ragged breathing was as loud as mine but I kept my eyes closed, unwilling to face whatever had happened.
We could all be dead and on our way to the afterlife.
Oh please God, that wouldn’t be fair .
I heard a click and the sound of him leaning over me.
Then I felt Matt’s hands touching me; my tummy, my face, my hands.