Chapter 21
Several Days Later . . .
Breakups are a bitch and even more so when your heart is already tied to the person who caused the relationship to end.
Tracy came over to hold my hand after Kaeden’s pop-up, to help me through the aftermath.
Then she demanded that I take a few days off to get myself together.
The only reason I agreed was because I recently hired several people to assist Tracy and me, which meant she wouldn’t be alone.
All I have been doing is crying, sleeping, and mindlessly watching TV.
My sleep has been broken and restless because Kaeden seems to be the center of my dreams, forcing me awake.
Last night I spent more time popping up out of my sleep which caused me to stay up and forfeit sleep altogether.
My eyes are burning, my limbs are weak, and my mind is scattered as I stare blinking at the TV.
The knots in my back are reminding me of the upright position I’ve been in for far too many hours.
Yet the fear I have about going to sleep, only to be tormented by Kaeden’s face, is keeping me stuck in place.
Time has been standing still for so long that I have absolutely no idea what hour of the day I’m in.
Vibrating from my phone has my head slowly turning to look at my nightstand as my heart starts racing.
I bite my bottom lip, unsure if it’s an incoming call or text, but my pulse elevates regardless of which it is.
At Tracy’s insistence, I didn’t turn my phone back off so she could check in with me whenever she felt the need to do so.
A sigh escapes my lips when the noise stops, and I’m in mid-head turn when it starts up again, increasing my heart rate.
“Lord, please,” I whisper while moving to unplug my phone from the charger as my eyes instantly water upon seeing Grandma’s picture on my screen. “H-mm-hello.” My voice is hoarse from not using it over the last few days, but I’m hoping Grandma doesn’t notice.
“Come open your front door.” The line goes silent, letting me know two things: Grandma hung up on me, and she’s at my house.
Getting out the bed, I mentally coach myself to get my shit together before I get to the door.
Like a bloodhound, Grandma can sniff out any time I’m off-kilter, which isn’t what I want.
Sulking by myself is what I want to do, so hopefully, Grandma is just passing through.
When I reach the front door, I sigh heavily and take several cleansing breaths before turning the locks and pulling the door open.
“Hey, Grandma. What brings you by today?” I ask, plastering on a fake smile that I pray is believable.
Grandma stares without uttering a word, and I fight the urge to shift my weight as I patiently wait to see what’s on her mind. Nodding, Grandma pulls me into her chest, wrapping her arms around my body, and a tremble slightly shifts my frame.
“Mhm. You don’t have to be strong for me. One thing that I love about my God is His infinite wisdom. He placed you on my heart so heavy that I had to get in my car and head over here to see about you.”
A muffled sob escapes my mouth, and Grandma tightens her grip on my body as the smell of White Diamonds and cinnamon invades my nostrils. It doesn’t matter how many fragrances my parents and I gift to her; Grandma refuses to stop using that perfume.
“Now, I’m gonna let you get these tears out, and then we’re gonna discuss whatever has you looking like a raccoon has gone to town on your face.”
I’m too caught up in my despair to find humor in Grandma’s statement as my mind begins replaying the headlines I’ve seen this time around.
#UCRSports: Kaeden Evans should get a medal for faking it until he makes it.
#UCRSports: Ladies, use Kaeden Evans as the reason for staying single.
#UCRSports: For a dog, Kaeden Evans has been looking rather pitiful.
A deeper sob flows from my esophagus to my throat before shooting out of my mouth at the reminder of the harsh comments within every headline I stupidly read and explored the opinions of strangers for.
What’s shockingly impressive is that no one had yet put two and two together to learn my identity.
Despite the images I’d seen of myself from back when Kaeden’s temporary woman headline surfaced until now, people don’t seem to care about me.
Part of me is happy about that because I’m a business owner and don’t want the negative press.
The other part of me is saddened by being likened to a temporary placeholder after this latest headline.
“Tell your bestie what’s causing you to look like you need multiple cucumbers on your eyes to remove the puffiness I’m staring at.”
Sighing heavily, I take a couple of minutes to tell Grandma about Kaeden and the scandals that have taken place since we’ve been together.
My throat becomes heavy with a lump as I share the latest thing before I finish the story and wipe my face clean of the uncontainable water slipping from my eyes.
“We’ll come back to the secret of your dating in a minute.
But let me share something that I didn’t before.
When I told you that I had a dream about your single status, God allowed me to see more.
The dream nearly snatched my breath from the vividness of its realness.
Your happiness was tangible, and I got the sense that the man I wasn’t permitted to see was anything but temporary. ”
My eyes bulge, and my mouth hangs open at the sincerity and tone of Grandma’s voice brokering no untruth being told.
“B-but he’s a—”
“Chile, unless that man is a drunk who dabbles in ass whuppings, male parts, and cocaine, he’s not the worst you can do. Did you take the time to look that man in his eyes as he explained the circumstances to you?”
Dropping my head, I lick my suddenly dry lips while resisting the urge to connect eyes with Grandma, despite the heat hitting my face.
“Hm. So in typical Kyelle fashion, you prevented the man from explaining. As a celebrity and one of his caliber, targets are dropped like missiles in a war. If you’re gonna be his woman, then you’re gonna have to toughen your skin.
Every headline shouldn’t be able to shift your stance about the man your heart is weeping for now. Back in my day—”
I look up in time to see the glee in Grandma’s eyes matching her smirk as I await what she’s about to say next.
“Anyway, in my day, I would never let a floozy see me sweat. Your grandpa played basketball and practically had to swat those rubber neck wenches away with a fly swatter. Yet, I showed up to every one of his games wearing his number because I knew he was all mine.”
“It’s not the same though. Kaeden is a professional football pl—”
“Doesn’t matter. He’s a target for every woman preying on him while praying he’ll set his sights on them.
So what if the latest woman was his ex? Don’t you know that if she were the best thing since sliced banana bread, she’d still be in her place.
I bet she set him up simply because she regrets losing her place in his life.
Then you go and get in your feelings, giving her an opportunity to circle the block.
Tuh. You’d better get out of your feelings and go get the man God told you was yours. ”
“But God hasn’t told me—”
“What does your heart say about him? What do you feel now that you’ve been unable to see him? Sometimes God’s voice is still and small, so we tend to ignore it. But trust me on this, and if not, pray on it. When He answers, and I know He will, move without hesitation.”
Sitting still, I simply stare at Grandma while biting my bottom lip, pondering her words.
While I don’t mind praying, I’m unsure if praying about this situation with Kaeden is appropriate.
I’ve been sliding up and down on Kaeden’s dick every chance I get, so how can I possibly ask God anything when I’ve been doing ungodly things?
It seems hypocritical, and I ain’t in the business of playing with God like that.
“I’m not sure if that’s smart given my dealings with Ka—”
“Oh. You’ve been playing spin the bottle with that man’s joystick. Hm. Well, how about I pray on it, and you sort through your feelings? If things are meant to be, then this will work itself out.”
“Yeah. That’s probably smart, because I don’t need to be struck by lightning.”
“No, you don’t. But goodness, you sure know how to repeat family cycles.”
My eyes pinch, and my face contorts as I ponder her words. “How so?”
“Out of three generations of women, none of us could hold these good cookies until commitment. I’ve seen that man of yours, and I truly get it. He’s a fine piece of mocha choc—”
“Grandma, please.” Rolling my eyes, I shake my head praying that she won’t finish her statement while talking about Kaeden.
“I’m just saying. I might be in my senior years, but the furnace still sparks.”
I gag, frown, and my stomach flips when Grandma winks, because these are the conversations I’m never comfortable having with her, Mom, or Dad.
“Now that I have made you queasy and gotten my point across, I’m gonna get out of your hair. But know that everything is going to be fine. If the love you share is real, then nothing will prevent you from obtaining it. Come see me out.”
Lying in bed an hour after Grandma left, I’m scrolling social media like a glutton as if my punishment hasn’t been painstaking enough.
Coming across another gossip site, I stop scrolling when I see Kaeden’s name attached.
Clicking on the link, it’s a short clip of Kaeden, and my breathing becomes labored upon seeing him on the screen.
Reporter: You seemed to be sluggish during today’s practice. What do you attribute this to, Mr. Evans?
Kaeden: I won’t go into details because all you and your people will do is analyze what I don’t say. However, I will say this . . . Y’all need to consider the people you don’t see when you create bullshit headlines and think pieces.
Between the snarl in Kaeden’s tone, the curl of his lip, and the hard lines on his forehead, I can see how Kaeden is handling our breakup.
The glow in his hazel eyes isn’t there, and it looks like he hasn’t gotten much sleep from the dark and puffy lines under his eyes.
An ache in my chest has me unconsciously rubbing my hand as my eyes become misty.
The desire to reach out to Kaeden hits me like a tidal wave, but fear has me closing out of social media altogether.
Grandma’s words from a little bit ago begin repeating, and I contemplate whether I’m capable of ignoring the continuous attacks and headlines.
I’ve never been in this position before, so I’m out of my depth with what I should do.
It’s been several days and yet my heart hasn’t let go of the sputter whenever I think about Kaeden.
Or the butterflies I get when I recall how he cares for his daughter.
Or the vacancy I’m experiencing from not seeing, engaging, kissing, holding, or being with him.
I feel like I’ve been living in a twilight zone of my own making, but I don’t know how to fix it. I also don’t know if I should.
“Am I capable of forgetting everything the media says and loving Kaeden despite every headline?”
The question tumbles from my lips without permission as I stare at the TV, unable to see or register anything on the screen. Mom always told me that love doesn’t hurt, but what happens when you hurt yourself trying to cut off those feelings?