CHAPTER 36 A Heads-Up
May 17, 2011
School had been out for a day, and I was still hungover from William’s weekend-long birthday bash at his house in the Hamptons. It was a huge celebration with all his family and many celebrity friends. William surprised me by filling our bedroom with beautiful white flowers to keep the tradition of the anniversary of my mother’s death on the 14th.
It was a lovely and thoughtful gesture on his part, and I couldn’t help but think how perfect it was that the universe had sent me William, whose birthday was the same day. Finding joy and love in a day that always used to be grey and lonely felt like a blessing. It was as if I could listen to my mom telling me life goes on without me, and it’s okay for you to be happy.
And even if that day would always make me emotional, at least now I’d always have a reason to cheer up by celebrating William on his day.
We were headed to one of William’s movie premieres. Between the emotional ups and downs, William’s celebration, handing in final projects, PMS, and nursing a mild cold, I wasn’t in the best mood ever. William insisted I skip the premiere and stay home and rest, but I knew he wanted me to come. He’d even bought me a beautiful emerald green dress for the occasion.
Besides, he was leaving tomorrow to continue the press tour in Los Angeles, followed by a European leg consisting of Paris, London, and Rome world premieres. So, I wanted to spend as much time with him as possible before he left.
He was returning three days before the wedding, and Lily and Joel were very nervous about him cutting it too close. But William assured them it would be fine and that he’d arrive on time for all the pre-wedding events.
Cooper was driving us to the event. Aaron followed close behind in the SUV, and Hawthorne, William’s bodyguard, was probably tailing us discreetly. Tobias was out of town, but Eric, Joel, and Lily were joining us. Naomi, too.
“You know how I’ll be going back and forth to L.A. after midsummer to start settling into an apartment over there for when I move in August?” William said, catching my hand and drawing an invisible line over my wrist with his finger.
I nodded.
I didn’t want to discuss William’s move to L.A. while driving to an event. Time was creeping up on us and consuming the few moments we had left before he had to leave. My decision to go out tonight had everything to do with supporting William’s premiere and not about us getting into complicated, personal subjects that only stressed me out and made me sad.
“Well, I know you said you weren’t going to enroll in the Summer Intensive Program this summer, but if you want to graduate in December, the only way to do so is to take nine credits combined in the two summer sessions.”
I narrowed my eyes on him. “Who have you been talking to?”
He laughed. “Your academic director?”
“William.” I gawked at him. “What did you do?”
“Don’t be mad, okay?”
“Can’t make any promises.” And I was serious about it. I crossed my arms at my chest as I waited for him to confess, but he uncrossed them for me and said, “You’ll get the dress wrinkled.” He winked at me.
“Tell me what else you talked about with Professor Sterling,” I insisted.
“I enrolled you in both Summer Intensive Programs,” he admitted, raising his voice when he saw I parted my lips to object mid-sentence. “Just let me finish, okay? It’ll be a lot of work, and I know you’re tired and need a break from school. But I also know this is what you want because you’ve mentioned a thousand times how you wish you could graduate in December. And I want that for you if that’s what you want.”
“William.” I did want that, but I didn’t have the money to pay for the summer credits. Hell, I didn’t even know if I could afford the following semester, let alone another spring semester. That was the main reason why I wanted to graduate in December. I could then beg for a full-time job at the magazine and forget about the stress of figuring out how to pay my tuition on my own.
If I didn’t get the scholarship, I would have to put my studies on hold until I saved enough money to graduate.
“It’s fully paid, so there’s nothing to worry about,” he said.
“Do I have a winning chance if I decide to fight you on this?” I hated that I needed William’s money to make my plan of graduating in December feasible.
“Not a single one,” he said with a laugh. “The school has taken my money, and I’m sure they won’t want to give it back if I go asking for it.” He took my hand and kissed it. “All you have to do is choose two studio electives and a liberal arts elective.”
I shook my head in disbelief.
“Thank you so much,” I said, trying hard not to let the shame consume me. “I really appreciate you doing this. But you didn’t have to.”
“I’d do much more if you’d let me,” he reminded me. I knew he wanted to pay for my last semester at school, but that was more than $20,000 dollars. I couldn’t accept that, and I’d made it clear after the first time he offered to do so when he’d gifted me a camera of similar value.
He already did so much. He paid for groceries and bought me clothes, claiming the designers sent them when I knew not all of it was a gift. He took care of my apartment’s utilities, insisting they were already included in the $800 monthly rent. And never once had he allowed me to pay for dinner or take out because he’s “old-fashioned for that sort of thing.”
I was only his girlfriend, not his wife.
The school would inform me about the scholarship committee’s decision any day now, and I wanted to talk to William about how nervous I was about it. But I couldn’t. Not without the conversation inevitably veering into him offering to pay for the semester again in case I wasn’t granted the scholarship. I wanted to vent, but instead, I kept quiet.
I’d never known jealousy of this magnitude.
We were at the premiere’s afterparty, and I couldn’t get my mind off William kissing and touching and having fake sex with that beautiful actress on the big screen like she was the most important thing in the entire world. He didn’t mention anything about the movie having sex scenes, and even if I knew he didn’t mean any harm by not telling me, I was jealous and upset.
At the same time, I was battling my feelings, knowing I should be better, more mature, and more understanding about this being part of his job description.
I thought I knew what I was getting myself into when we started dating. But no one prepares you to see the man you love pretending to love someone else, touching them, kissing them, “making love” to them in a room full of people watching the same thing as well.
It was a beautiful movie. The acting was superb. I felt so proud of William, but as much as I tried, I couldn’t stop feeling upset. It was hard enough knowing there would be sex scenes to film whenever he went away to work on a project, but it was an entirely different thing to sit down and watch the end result among a crowd of strangers.
A part of me wished I had stayed home and ordered pizza in sweatpants while being able to blow my irritated nose without a care in the world. Out of sight, out of mind.
“You okay?” William’s hand slid around my waist as he leaned in to whisper. “You’ve been … quiet.”
“Just tired,” I replied quickly. “I feel like this cold is really kicking in.”
“Sure?” He knew it wasn’t just that. I couldn’t fool him, but I had to try. This was his night to shine. Well, his co-star’s, as well. They were asked to pose for a photo together more than a few times whenever any of the authorized press members approached either of them. And again, maybe I was having a rough day, but my blood boiled whenever she leaned into him in a too comfortable and familiar way for my liking.
Arabella Rivers was painfully beautiful, and even if she pretended to be sweet when William introduced me to her, I caught a hint of something flashing in her eyes when she discreetly gave me a once-over. I didn’t want to read too much into it. I blamed it on the physical exhaustion and the emotional upheaval caused by PMS and my imminent cold. But even Zara rolled her eyes when we watched William and Arabella being photographed.
Lily was busy talking to people, probably about her upcoming wedding, which had caused a lot of interest in general. I hadn’t had the chance to filter my feelings with her before discussing them with William. I wanted to know if I was crazy about feeling this way and if it was something I had to start learning how to accept.
I knew how jealous Lily was when it came to Joel, so if anyone could understand how I was feeling, it was her. And Zara wasn’t the right person to talk to about this matter. She would always be Nathan’s sister to me. We were still trying to figure out our relationship after we patched things up, but Zara was always busy with Juilliard and her very active social life. This was one of the first events she was able to attend with us this semester.
Twenty minutes later, William told me he was ready to leave, but I knew he was doing it as a kindness to me. I didn’t object. I was more than happy to leave.
We walked toward the exit after saying goodbye to a few of his friends and family, but Naomi rushed our way when she saw us. “You guys leaving?”
“We are.” I smiled.
“I think I’m heading back, too,” she said. “Can I get a ride with you guys?”
“Of course.” William offered her a forced smile. “Let’s go.” He probably wanted to talk to me on the way home and twist my arm to make me talk about what was bothering me. But I’m sure he suspected what it was. He knew me well.
Aaron stood near the door and followed us when he saw us rounding the corner to the exit. Aaron and Naomi were still pretending to date, but on formal outings like these, they “kept it professional.”
They would go out twice a month on casual dates so the media would see them. I didn’t know how long they planned to keep up with the charade. But Naomi said it was the only way to make it believable, boring, and predictable enough for the media and their audience to discard the news and move on to something or someone else.
She was the expert. And it made perfect sense. Plus, it was working. No one was talking about my “secret love affair” with my bodyguard anymore.
The SUV was parked in the motor lobby, so we had quick access to it from the venue’s main entrance. Cooper had left after dropping us off at the afterparty.
When we stepped out, there were a lot of fans and photographers standing behind metallic safety barriers. And a group of girls shouted William’s name when they saw him stepping out. They tossed a massive bouquet of red roses at us, but William and I managed to avert it since it was heading our way with unexpected force. It landed right behind me, making Naomi trip and fall on her face. The crowd gasped in unison, myself included, followed by stark silence.
Naomi groaned with pain. She was hurt, but we didn’t know what pained her. But before anyone could take their next breath, Aaron lifted Naomi from the floor and carried her back to the SUV in his arms. The photographers went wild while she allowed herself to rest her face in the crook of Aaron’s neck.
William picked up the flower bouquet from the floor, and the girls begged him to approach them for a selfie. He did, but I kept walking toward the car as per Aaron’s instructions. And one does not mess with angry Aaron. He was furious. I opened the passenger door so Aaron could help Naomi inside.
“Are you okay?” I asked Naomi as William kept interacting with his fans. “What hurts?”
She let her head fall back on the headrest. “It’s my knee,” she said through gritted teeth. “I have a bad knee.”
“Miss.” Aaron was holding the door for me. “Please get inside the vehicle at once.”
Whoa. Okay.
I did as I was told, and Aaron closed the door behind me. I knew better than to disobey him when he was this upset. He rushed to the driver’s seat and asked Naomi if he could take a look at her knee while we waited for William to return. He seemed to be trying to sneak away, but the fans wouldn’t let him go. I spotted Hawthorne observing the interactions from a distance, so knowing William was being looked after gave me peace of mind.
“It’s fine,” Naomi replied. “I’m fine.” But her voice was shaky, and it was easy to tell she was in pain but wanted to pretend otherwise.
“Show me your knee.” Aaron’s words sounded more like a command.
“I can’t pull the skirt up,” Naomi explained. “The fabric is too tight, and it hurts if I extend the knee to work around it.”
“I thought you said it was fine,” Aaron scolded. He pulled out a switchblade, grabbed the hem of the skirt, which fell a few inches above her ankles, and tore it open with a ripping sound that filled the cabin. Naomi gasped as she saw the new thigh-high uneven slit appearing on her tight pencil skirt.
“Aaron!” Naomi shouted as he put his switchblade back in his jacket pocket. “This is a twelve-hundred-dollar skirt!”
“I’ll get you another. Now, stay still.” Aaron stared at Naomi’s knee with wide eyes. It was swollen, and her skin was red from the blow. It was for sure going to bruise pretty badly. “Let’s see your hands.”
Naomi complied. Her palms were bruised, too, from the impact of the fall. She winced when Aaron gently pressed her left wrist, which seemed slightly swollen. “I don’t think it’s broken, but we need to get you checked by a doctor. You might need to get it immobilized.”
William joined me in the back, and Hawthorne tapped the window once he closed the door behind him.
Aaron drove away in silence.
“Shit, Naomi, are you okay?” William asked. Aaron had taken Naomi away so fast he probably hadn’t had the chance to realize she was hurt.
“I’ll be fine,” she said. “Thanks.”
“Do you want to go to the hospital?” I offered. “I think you should get your knee looked at if you have a previous injury.”
“No, no, no.” She looked at Aaron as if wanting to warn him. “I’ll put an ice pack on it, and I’ll be good to go.”
Aaron remained eerily silent and kept driving home.
When we arrived, Aaron said to Naomi, “Stay put.”
Naomi reached for the handle, but the door only opened from the outside. I’d been in her shoes one too many times, and I understood the feeling perfectly. Aaron got the door for me and William while leaving Naomi inside.
“I’m taking her to the hospital,” Aaron informed us. “I assume you’re staying in for the rest of the night?”
“We are,” I replied. “Go.”
Aaron nodded and returned to the vehicle.
William and I took the elevator to the 9th floor, and he followed me to my apartment. He stood behind me as I unlocked my door and grabbed my hips, pulling me back against him. His hands slid down to my ass, and he squeezed it.
“William.” I was exhausted, my nose was clogged, and I needed a hot shower to ease the jealousy that had accumulated during the night. I knew he was leaving the following day and probably wanted to have goodbye sex, but I wasn’t in the mood. “I’ll get you sick if you kiss me.”
“I don’t care.” He kissed my neck, and I couldn’t help but react to his touch. It was impossible not to. But I pushed the door open, and we stepped inside. William followed me to my room as he removed his jacket and loosened his tie.
“These shoes are killing me.” I sat in my bedroom’s loveseat and removed them. William sat on the edge of the bed and unbuttoned the first few buttons of his shirt, staring at me. Studying me. He looked devastatingly perfect in that tailored suit, and it only reignited the discomfort of knowing I’d have to share him for as long as his acting career lasted. If he followed his father’s footsteps, that meant at least the next thirty years.
I deflated at the thought, feeling defeated.
William stood. “Enough.” He caged me between his arms and leaned in, making me rest back against the sofa. “Tell me what’s going on. You’ve been acting weird all night.”
“I’m jealous.” When I said those two words, a wave of embarrassment crashed against me. I felt like the unsupportive girlfriend who didn’t know shit about the business. And this is why actors should probably only date actors, but I loved William. I loved that he was great at what he did. I admired him. But I’m also only human.
“The sex scene?”
“Yes,” I admitted, looking away. He plopped on the sofa next to me while I twisted my fingers over my lap and took a deep breath. “I wish you had given me a heads-up about it.”
“I didn’t know I had to give you a heads-up.” He frowned. “It’s all pretend. You know that.”
“Well, it’s hard to see you like that with someone else. Naked, sweaty, kissing.” I tried to shake the thoughts away, but talking about it only made me more upset.
“This is my job,” he said, his tone growing frustrated. “Besides, I filmed this movie when you were with Nathan, so I didn’t think it would be an issue.”
I tried counting to ten but barely got to three before I replied. “But you never got to see me naked with Nathan. It’s not the same.”
“Yeah, I only had to listen to you moan and come for him a wall away.”
I shook my head in disbelief. “You even threatened me with burning down your house in Sagaponack if I dared to sleep with him there. So you’re no stranger to jealousy.”
“Those on-screen interactions aren’t real.” William ran a hand through his hair and gripped the back of his neck. “It was a closed set, but four people were still present when that scene was filmed. So, believe me when I say there’s nothing sexy about it. It’s all very technical.”
“Well, it looked like the real thing.” I knew William was right, and I was wrong, but I didn’t like going into the premiere without knowing about it. And this wasn’t just about this particular movie. “And I can’t stop thinking about what to expect. There will be more films. More women. More intimate scenes while you and I are together. I know you actors are open-minded about such things. But wouldn’t you feel jealous if I was filmed kissing someone and got into bed naked with them while we pretended to be fucking?”
“This is my job,” William repeated, as if the phrase would magically make my feelings about this go away. “You knew this was my job. Besides, you’ve seen it yourself. Not every film I’ve been in involves intimate scenes.”
“I know,” I huffed, frustrated that he couldn’t see my point. Even if they were used to it in Hollywood, I didn’t think this practice was ideal for monogamous relationships. We’re all made different; some of us can’t stomach it. “And you still haven’t answered my question.”
“I wouldn’t like it,” William finally admitted. “I would fucking hate to see a man touching you or kissing you, even if it were fake. But I know you’re not an actress and never will be. I’ve dated actresses before and have experienced your side.”
“And how did that turn out for you?” I tilted my head, curious to see what he would say. Erin, his ex-girlfriend, ended up cheating on him with her co-star. “It’s inevitable for two humans to feel something when they’re kissing and touching and pretending to fuck. Even if it’s arousal. And I fucking hate to think you’re getting aroused by someone else while I’m at home doing homework. It makes me feel stupid and na?ve.” And I’m scared shitless that you’ll leave me one day for a beautiful actress who understands your job better than I ever will.
My insecurities made me feel pathetic. But I knew I wasn’t crazy either to think this way. I understood this was a movie premiere of a film he’d worked on before we were together. And even so, it was hard to process. But the growing pit in my stomach confirmed that this was going to be a thorn in our relationship. The thought of sharing William with all these other gorgeous actresses was killing me.
“I am not going to step out on you with my co-stars or anyone else if that’s what you mean,” he said, his tone sharper this time. “You don’t have to be an actor to cheat.”
“No, you don’t. But you will always be surrounded by temptation, and it becomes easier when you’re doing that.”
“When I’m doing what? Acting? Working?” William was upset now, too. And I was a second away from losing my temper. “It doesn’t mean anything.”
“I guess it’s easy to say when you’re getting little tastes here and there, with the excuse of it being work.”
“That’s not how it is.” William pinched the bridge of his nose, the frustration evident in how long it took him to open his eyes and look at me again. “You knew what you were signing up for.”
“Did I, William?” I asked sarcastically. “I didn’t even know you were an actor when we met. I’m still trying to catch up with everything. With you.”
“I thought you did.”
“Well, I didn’t know it would hurt so much.” I stood and fetched the box of tissues on my nightstand to wipe my runny nose. This fucking cold. My eyes itched like crazy, and my overall state only added to the “not feeling good enough for someone like William” pile.
I couldn’t turn to face him when I asked, “Did you guys hook up?”
“What?”
I braced my hands on the nightstand and let my head hang for a few seconds. “Did you sleep with her? With Arabella Rivers, when you were filming the movie, and I was with Nathan, and you said you wanted to be with me.”
His silence made me turn around to face him. I had no business asking him who he slept with when we weren’t together, but I wanted to make a point.
“We did.” He rested his forearms over his knees and steepled his fingers.
I nodded and chewed on my lower bit to stop it from trembling. “So, I’m not too crazy to assume co-stars hook up on a regular basis once the director yells cut?”
“No,” he agreed. “Not when everyone’s a single, consenting adult.”
“And now you’re going on a press tour with this woman for the next two weeks?”
He stared at me but was smart enough to say nothing.
“With this woman with whom you had fake sex and real sex and is currently single, from what I could gather from a quick Google search when I excused myself to the bathroom?”
More silence.
“So, the answer is still no, William.” Tears streamed down my face, but I quickly brushed them off because I was more angry than sad, and I needed William to understand that. “I didn’t know what I was signing up for. And it feels like I never will.”
“Guille.” William’s eyes softened, and he stood with every intention of coming closer, but I held out my hand to stop him from approaching me. I could finally see the understanding in his eyes, but I wasn’t ready to be held by him, even if a part of me craved it. “I’m sorry.”
“I think it’s best if you leave right now.”
“No.”
“I’m not asking,” I said with a frustrated laugh, walking past him to grab a fresh pair of underwear and pajamas from my closet. I needed a hot shower, an even hotter Theraflu tea to sweat this bug away, and the comfort of my bed for the next 24 to 36 hours straight.
“I’m not leaving until we sort this out.”
“Well, you are leaving tomorrow, and I think it’s a great idea because I need some space right now.”
“We don’t do space,” he scoffed. “Or breaks, or timeouts. We don’t take time apart to think about things we can tackle together. Never.”
“Suit yourself.” Ugh. I loved that he said that, but I was still upset. I closed the bathroom door, took my sweet time in the shower, and made sure to be extra thorough with my skincare routine, expecting William to be gone when I stepped out. Secretly hoping he wasn’t.
When I finally came out of the bathroom, he was sitting on the sofa waiting for me, still wearing his clothes and shoes. The only difference was his hair was disheveled, and his shirt buttons were completely undone.
“I’m not going on the press tour.” He stood and reached me in two powerful strides, his full height towering over me. But he didn’t touch me. I wasn’t ready for it, and he probably sensed it. “I texted my agent to let him know while you were in the shower.”
“You don’t have to do that for my sake.” I looked up at him, baffled, and met his striking blue eyes that would say I can do whatever the hell I want if they could speak. “Aren’t you contractually obligated to attend these premieres?” I didn’t want to affect his work. I’d said my piece, and that was enough for now. I planned on dealing with my insecurities while he was gone.
“I’m not sure,” he said. “My agent’s going through the contract again. I signed it a while ago. But I’m not going on this press tour when I know it will hurt you.”
“It won’t.” The lie stung my tongue, so I corrected myself. “I mean, no, I don’t want you to go on a multi-city international tour with a beautiful, single woman that you’ve had sex with. But I’m trying to be reasonable and level-headed about this. This is your job. Your livelihood. I’m not going to ask you to change your whole life because I’m jealous.”
“You’re jealous?” His eyebrow flew up.
“So fucking jealous.” My tone was flat to avoid sounding playful. I wanted him to know my feelings were real and that this wasn’t going to turn into one of our games.
His teasing smile dropped, and I continued.
“I trust you, William.” And I did. I knew I could be good about not searching for premiere photos online and letting my imagination and insecurities get the best of me. Plus, with Lily and Joel’s wedding upon us, there would be plenty of things to keep my mind occupied.
“You do?” He reached out for my hands and rubbed them with his thumbs.
“I have to,” I said. “I love you.” It would only make me feel worse if he canceled because of me. All I wanted was for us to communicate better about these things. To have him take my hand and guide me through the uncharted waters that were his acting career and everything it entailed.
“How can I make you less jealous?”
“I don’t know. Get creative.” I let out a little laugh that indicated my annoyance was starting to give in.
“Yes, ma’am.” His hands moved to the small of my back and slid further down to my ass. But in that precise moment, my nose tickled, my eyes watered, and I turned to the side and sneezed.
“Let’s get you that tea first.” William grabbed my shoulders and guided me to the kitchen so I could get the electric tea kettle going. “Come with me,” he said, as I connected the kettle’s power cord to the power plug. “On the press tour.”
“I can’t.” I shrugged, tapping the flu tea packet against the palm of my hand to get the powder to move down. “I can’t leave Lily right now. She needs all the help she can get before the wedding.”
William’s phone vibrated on the counter, and he picked it up quickly. He read something and put it back down. Three seconds later, he picked me up, sat me on the counter, and parted my legs to stand between them. He cupped my face with his hands and kissed me. It startled me at first when I remembered I was sick and we couldn’t kiss, but I gave into it and wrapped my legs around his waist to pull him closer to me.
“I’m sorry,” he said in between kisses. “I’m so sorry.” His tongue parted my lips, and I angled my neck to allow him to deepen the kiss. His lips were soft and gentle against mine. It was a slow, lingering kiss, the kind that made my heart flutter and time stop.
I broke it off, feeling breathless. “I’m going to get you sick.”
William chuckled and tucked my hair behind my ears. “That’s the idea.”
“What do you mean?”
“My agent just texted me to confirm I can be excused from attending the premieres if I get sick.”
I gasped, pretending to be shocked. “So you’re using me for my virus?”
“I certainly am.” He dropped a soft peck on my lips.“I’ve been dying to kiss you all night.”
William grabbed my face, kissed me again, and lifted me off the kitchen counter. He carried me back to my bedroom and put me down gently on my bed. “I’ll attend the L.A. premiere in two days, and with luck, I’ll wake up the next day with a terrible cold.” He laughed and laid next to me on his side. “And I’ll fly back home to you on the 20th.”
“William, you don’t have to do this.” I combed a few strands of hair from his forehead with my fingers. “Seriously. I trust you.”
“I know you do.” He ran a hand behind the small of my back and brought me closer to him. “But this is not about trust. This is about you feeling uncomfortable, sad, and upset about having to share me with anyone else. And I want to make sure you never feel that way ever again. And that includes communicating better and making pertinent changes in my career choices.”
“William—”
“The fact that you didn’t know who I was is what drew me to you in the first place,” he admitted. “So I can’t hold that innocence against you when my curiosity to try a different type of relationship than the ones I’d been used to in the past is to blame.”
“I don’t want you to feel like you have to change who you are or what you do because of me.” I drew a finger along his eyebrow. “I am so proud of you and admire you like you have no idea. I don’t ever want you to stop growing in your career. You gotta do what you gotta do, and I promise to keep an open mind about everything.”
“I don’t feel that way,” he said. “I promise. And I’m proud of you, too.”
“Okay, so what if you don’t get this bug?” I giggled. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you get sick, so it wouldn’t surprise me if you have an ironclad immune system.”
William moved on top of me and hooked a finger around the hem of my pajama bottom. “Then you’ll have to make sure I get really exposed to this virus.”