Chapter 27
WHEN THE SKY MOURNS, SO DO I
STATEN
Ican’t believe Leif had the gall to speak to Knox like that.
I felt so…powerless. I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did, and I definitely should’ve left the party with my boyfriend.
I don’t know why I didn’t. I hate admitting it, but I was embarrassed.
Knox needed me in that moment, and I abandoned him.
There’s an ache in my stomach as I walk through campus with my face smushed to my phone screen, waiting for Knox to message me back.
I hate this feeling. I hate hurting people, and that’s all I’ve been doing for the past few months.
Nothing else has occupied my mind—not even the Lit final. All I think about is Knox. Every second of every day. I think about the kindness and quiet support he’s shown me…and then I think about my inability to return the favor, especially in his time of need.
I’m contemplating disregarding the societal rules of consecutive texting and breaking my five-message quota when I run into the equivalent of a very tall wall.
I don’t anticipate that my silent sentry of a stranger is the one person who was so far back in my rearview he was almost completely out of the picture.
At least, until last night.
Leif stares down at me, guilt unfurling over his hardened expression and emphasizing the heavy bags under his eyes that weren’t there before.
Shock keeps me glued to the spot, and it feels like my entire body has been plunged into arctic water, my nervous system trying to reconfigure itself amongst a sudden induction of adrenaline and heart-accelerating endorphins.
“Leif?” Despite the single syllable, there’s a weight to the word that I don’t like. When I roll it around in my mouth, the taste is nauseating.
“Hey, um. I’m sorry to ambush you like this. I was just hoping we could talk,” he stammers, pasting on a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes—a stage illusion that only I can see through.
We may have become estranged within the last month, but that doesn’t erase the years I’ve spent learning the routes of his emotional plays.
“Why?” I croak, anger corroding my voice. “You clearly had enough to say to me after the game.”
He scratches the back of his neck, and maybe it’s because of the fading afternoon light or a wake-up call to my otherwise preoccupied attention, but I finally notice the aftermath of his broken nose. The laceration where skin was first broken, the crookedness of bone, the complementary swelling.
“I’m so sorry for lashing out at you last night.
I’m so sorry for causing a scene. I miss you, Staten.
A lot. I know things have been tense between us, and it’s all my fault.
I shouldn’t have said what I did about Knox.
I was just…fuck, I was hurt. The minute he stepped into your life, I was worried he’d take you away from me. ”
I’m not even sure I’m fully comprehending what he’s telling me. It’s like I’m standing in the middle of an echo chamber.
Tears begin to warp my vision into caustics. “So that gives you an excuse to try and punch him?”
“Of course not. No. I—that was a terrible oversight on my part. I thought I’d be happier if he suffered, but the only one I’ve been hurting is you.”
“Why are you even bothering with me? You’re in a relationship.”
“Trishella and I aren’t…together. I just wanted to make you jealous, and I failed miserably. All I did was level the playing field—a playing field that I didn’t want to be a part of.”
Since I’m already on a suicide mission, it’s kind of out of my control when I blurt out my next thought. “Why do you hate him so much?”
Leif rears back. “I don’t hate him. I envy him.”
I dig the heel of my palm into my forehead, no better than some poor, helpless bird that’s found itself on the other side of a window, colliding with glass in an explosion of feathers and blood.
Disoriented, displaced, so desperately yearning for something that’s been hidden behind a deceptively flashy facade.
“That doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter beneath my breath, one part of me itching for a fight, the other part tired of always escaping by the skin of my teeth.
“I took you for granted,” he confesses. “I didn’t realize I had a good thing until it was gone. You were that good thing, Staten. And then Knox came strutting in like he owned the place, and…and it messed with my feelings.”
“You never noticed me until you thought you had competition. Do you realize how many times I’ve bent over backwards to get your attention?”
“I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”
Regret punctuates the air with the sharpness of a tailcoat snapping in the wind. My composure is wearing thin, though it’s arguable if I had any left in the first place. There’s a heat in my body that floors me—a tremble to my lower lip that paints the perfect picture of impuissance.
A frown crooks my lips. “I envisioned something more with you, you know? I thought that’s what I wanted. I thought you were what I wanted, but I was wrong. I just wanted to be seen, and Knox was the first person to give me the time of day.”
I miss Knox so much. We didn’t even get in a fight, but it feels like I’ve lost him forever.
I wouldn’t survive losing him. He showed me what it meant to be cherished.
He taught me that I was worthy of healthy love.
He held me through it all, even when I scratched at vulnerable flesh in bestial defense.
Moisture finally rushes down my cheeks in twin streams until I taste salt in the canyon of my mouth. My limbs shake like I’ve missed a dose of medication—like I’ve been deprived of a baseline necessary for survival.
When Leif’s arms engulf me, I don’t have the strength to hug him back.
“I see you now. I promise,” he whispers, his tone tinted with a warmth that I hadn’t realized I missed.
My lungs battle for air; my lacrimal glands cook up a new batch of tears. The world moves in a time lapse around us—blurry and migraine-inducing—and when I weep, my heart does so in consolation.
I don’t have it in me to hate Leif. I wish I could. It sure would make this thing a whole lot easier for me. Although I can’t excuse all his transgressions, he’s not a bad guy.
“I never wanted this to ruin our friendship,” I sniffle, pulling back to mop up the residue on my face.
The smell of petrichor stains the ozone, predicting a nearby storm—one I can make out through the migration of low-rolling, slate-gray clouds. Brooding. Billowing.
“Nothing’s ruined. In fact, I’m glad we finally cleared the air between us because there’s something I’ve been wanting to say.”
I nod, hope spring-loaded between my ribs. Maybe we can finally leave this mess behind us and be friends again.
I’ve spent my whole life wondering if I’d be anybody’s first choice.
And being the wallflower that I was, there came a time when I stopped dreaming about it because I knew it would never come true.
I couldn’t compete with the other girls, you know?
The ones who didn’t need makeup to look beautiful, the ones who were effortlessly skinny yet still curvy in all the right places, the ones who took to making friends like it was a breeze rather than a painstaking chore.
Those were the girls who people noticed.
Leif’s lips ruck up into a smile. “I’m ready now. I want to be your boyfriend.”
What did he just say?
“You…what?” I exclaim, shock eating away at my expression.
“Don’t you still want this?”
Maybe two years ago. Maybe even a month ago. But now? When my heart belongs to Knox? The answer is obvious, yet somehow, the exact words I want to say don’t slither out of my lips.
I’ve been dreaming about this moment for years. I would’ve given anything to be with Leif, but…Knox changed my life for the better. So why can’t I just tell Leif how I really feel? Why do I still feel loyal to him?
“I—this is all a lot for me to process. I can’t give you the answer you’re looking for right now.”
I don’t know how I expected him to react, though the unnerving smile on his face never wavers. “You’ll know I’m the right choice when the time comes. And I’ll wait for you, however long it takes.”
KNOX
Ever since Leif’s and my conversation, I haven’t been able to shake this dreamlike offscouring. The voices in my head have never been so loud before, and inferiority crouches in the shadows of my subconscious.
Was everything he said true? Is Staten really too good for me? I mean, all the evidence points to yes. I’m just going to slow her down. She’s so…so put together, you know? And I’m the guy who ran over an innocent biker on the first day of school.
I should’ve talked to Staten about how I felt after Leif swooped in and ruined everything, but I’ve been too ashamed to show myself.
I never wanted her to see me like that—to see my anger getting the better of me.
Helpless, reprimanded, as if I was some sticky-fingered child who got caught with their hand in the cookie jar again.
God, and I can’t fucking believe Leif had the balls to talk to her like that. I can handle pokes at my own shortcomings, but when the girl I love is under fire, all signs of mercy get thumbed over.
I haven’t spoken to Staten since last night. Even now, as I walk across the quad, I pray I don’t run into her. Nausea coils in my belly, turning the breakfast sandwich I snatched from the McDonald’s drive-thru against me.
Leif is echoing what my dad has always said: that I’m never going to be enough.
My father has always tried sculpting me to his liking, molding me into an impossible shape—one that doesn’t have the stability to withstand the kiln.
One that breaks and shatters the second measly pressure is applied.
And that’s where I’ve lived for the past fourteen hours: vacuum-sealed in doubt and self-loathing.