Five
Sadie
“Holy shit, Sadie! He was totally into you!” Kate screeches, her excitement enough for a dozen people. Her excitement is usually contagious—it was one of the things that made the time my mother was sick bearable. But in this moment, I can’t agree with her.
“I’m not interested.” I try my best to not let her know what kind of things I was thinking when I was looking up at Ben. Ben. Such a simple name for a man more mysterious and complex than the Riemann hypothesis.
“Oh please, Sadie. I saw the way you were looking at him. I could practically see your lady bits tingling.”
Scolding her with a look, I slap her arm. Yes, I felt a physical pull toward him. The way he owned that stage, the way the words he sang spoke to the musical parts in me, and the way he stared at me. I’ve never felt something so palpable, like I could reach out and touch the untouchable.
“You’re so vile sometimes, Kate. Can we go home now? I’m getting irritable, and I need to sleep.”
“Fine.”
We make our way out of the crowd into the slightly chilly night air. Ben’s there in my mind again, his cocky persona burning a permanent image into my memory. His one arm was covered in tattoos while his other arm and chest were bare. His stomach was lean with amazing abs and that V that Kate is always going on about. I get it now.
He made me feel something—desire. The way he looked at me, the way his body bounced on that stage with pure confidence, exuding sex from the veins in his neck all the way to the leather hugging his long legs, had me tempted to haul myself straight into sin.
I envisioned worshipping his full lips, whispering against them while he does things to my body. What things I don’t know, since I’ve never even read a book with sex in it or watched an R-rated film. Right now, my imagination is working overtime. He keeps his hair shorter on the sides and slightly longer on top so it flails about while he’s bent over and belting beautifully into the microphone. The way he ran his hand through it to reveal his brown eyes made me feel things I don’t want to feel. He is a rock star, and his cockiness tells me to run and never look back. But the way he controlled my inner needs with just his presence tells me the opposite.
I almost feel guilty that I’ve never felt a fraction of the desire for Mike that I did in that hour watching the rock star.
We’re outside the door, immobilized by the crowd in front of us like traffic on the highway, when a tall man with a long beard and slicked-back, dirty-blond hair approaches.
I see his badge, which reads: TOUR MANAGER OF THE ROES .
“Ladies, I’m Nick. Ben wanted me to come find you girls and bring you backstage for a meet and greet. You interested?”
He looks older but still handsome; I believe the statement “aging like fine wine” was made for men like him. If I were to guess, he is nearing forty, but you can only tell by the lines in the corners of his eyes and the one defined wrinkle on his forehead.
Even though he gives off big bad biker vibes with tattoos on almost every inch of skin from his neck down, his age and his soft green eyes tell me something different. Something about Nick makes me surprisingly comfortable.
“Yes! We would love that!” Kate says.
“No!” I reply.
“What? Sade, come on, it’s backstage passes to meet the band! Please! I won’t ask for another thing tonight! Please. They are my favorite band.”
She gives me doe eyes, and I want to fight her on it, but I don’t. People pleaser. I’m torn between sleep and the happiness of my best friend.
“Please.”
“Fine, but not for too long. I really need the sleep, Kate.”
“Yay! I love you, Sadie Jay!” Jumping up and down, she follows Nick. I drag my tired feet behind her.
“You better,” I mumble.
We’re nearly smoked out when we step into the room, and the polluted air makes me cough a little. I need to physically restrain myself from plugging my nose. I don’t want to disrespect anyone, but the smell is pungent, and my stomach rolls.
Staying close to the door, Kate takes charge of the room like she always does, catching the attention of all the guys. I check my phone awkwardly. Seeing a message from Mike, I occupy myself.
Mike : Want to get breakfast tomorrow? I can go over my thesis with you?
Me : Sounds good. Pick me up at 9?
As I wait for his response, I peer up for a quick second to see Kate attached to the guitar player. My phone buzzes again.
Mike : Perfect, see you then
I frown a bit at the bland closing of our conversation. Mike has never called me anything other than Sadie. No pet names or sweet terms of endearment. Just Sadie. What would it be like for him to say, See you then, baby? Would it feel as good as I imagine?
I hate to admit that I’m bored, and that’s driving my attraction to Ben, the lead singer. I’m hungry for something, and I don’t know what it is. Mike’s great, but he isn’t exceptional, and the young girl in me who believed in fairy tales wants to feel something life-changing. Like the world is moving rapidly under my feet in the best way possible.
“You know, I can’t take my fucking eyes off you. You are intoxicating.”
Thoughts of Mike fade away; a few feet away from me is the man who let temptation in, and those feelings are right there on the surface. I need to hush the voices screaming at me to do something I shouldn’t—to test boundaries.
“That was the stage lights. Everyone was shining. Really.”
“Fuck me, an accent?” His vulgarity might have shocked me, but I’m friends with Kate.
“Yes, I guess. But to me you have one, too, so really, do I have the accent or do you?”
His brows lift, his bottom lip getting caught between his perfectly straight white teeth. My breath hitches, and I nearly choke. He’s still shirtless, but now he’s wearing a backward flat-bill hat.
“Smart and sassy.”
“I’m not sassy,” I retort.
“Where are you from . . .” He trails off, searching for my name.
“Sadie. From Carolina.”
“North or South?”
“South.”
“Sadie from South Carolina, I’m Ben Cooper.”
“Do you always say your full name when introducing yourself? It seems a bit like an egotistical James Bond vibe.” I debate shaking his hand but decide against it. I will stick with the insult and avoid touching the skin that secretly I want to.
“Do you prefer fucking on buses, or do we go back to your place, gorgeous?”
The crass way he asks me that question catapults me to a different realm, one where my hand wants to slap his face. “Neither. I’m not interested.” Stepping back a little, I put some distance between us. He watches as I take two steps away from him.
“You can drop the act. I’m not in the mood to play hard to get. My bunk or your place?”
“Wow, no. I’m not that kind of girl. I’m only here because my friend wanted to meet the band.”
When I cross my arms defensively, he blatantly stares at my chest; I forgot for a second that I’m wearing the most revealing top in the world.
“Eyes up here, jerk.”
Seriously, is this what the world of men has become? Suddenly, I’m thankful for Mike and his infinite respect, and I regret my lapse in judgment.
“They feel better down there.”
“You are such a pig. We’re done here.” I move fast, pushing past him. Ben—too simple a name for a man with such an obviously big ego.
“Is this the part where I chase you, baby? I guess the hard-to-get thing can be pretty hot—at least you make it that way!” he yells after me.
“Kate, I’m leaving.” I exit the room, not looking back.
“What—wait! What happened!”
I don’t slow down. I feel so violated, so heated, completely enraged by his audacity. I feel . . . alive. What in the world is going on in my mind? He is an asshole. Not someone charming or worth giving a second thought.
“Hey, wait up! What did he say?” Kate catches up to me as we make our way out of the venue through the now-empty parking lot.
“He hit on me like a real class act. And if you can’t tell, I am being sarcastic. It was terrible. I never want to be in the same room with that man again.”
“Hmm.”
“Hmm what, Kate?”
“You liked it. You liked him. I can tell. You’re completely turned on, and the little cross on your neck is burning your skin. Oh my god, Sadie!”
“Kate, no. He’s trouble wrapped up in a nice body. It’s an illusion, and I can see through it.”
“That scares you, doesn’t it? Desiring someone and straying from the person you think you have to be. The good girl?”
“Kate, you have no idea what you’re talking about.” I shake my head. “I don’t know him. Our conversation lasted a hot second. I have nothing but pure disgust for a man who thinks he can proposition a woman with sex because he’s a rock star. No thanks.” My face grows red, my neck itches, and these awful clothes feel tight.
“You’re defending yourself pretty hard.”
“Because the world’s biggest player just hit on me, and I’m exhausted! Kate, can we please go home!”
I’m a mess, an out-of-control, overly stimulated mess. I don’t know what to make of my emotions because everything I feel right now is something I’ve never experienced. Everything happening inside me goes against everything that I am. I’m straddling a line between the woman I am and someone I wonder if I could be. And I don’t know which side I’m on. My body is hot, and I feel a pit of wanting in my stomach. There is even a quiver in my lip when I talk. Why would my body feel like that when simultaneously it wants to knee him in the balls?
“Hey, I’m sorry. Take a deep breath.”
Kate runs her hands over my shoulders, and I breathe out for what feels like the first time since I got here. I need rest and some time to reset myself. Maybe it’s the lack of sleep that has me feeling the way I do. No way can a man I just met have this much power over me. No way should he make me as worked up as he does.
A good night’s sleep will fix this. It has to.