Fifteen
Sadie
Work and studying have drained me, and it shows. My eyes nearly drift shut during Mike’s sermon in church. I went with my parents today because my father is also giving a talk. I feel horrible because I’ve been neglecting Kate, my parents, and even Ben since I’m cramming in as much study time as I can while working at the hospital and finishing up classes.
To add more salt to the open wound that is my life, Ben’s been a little off lately, mostly silent on our nightly calls, and his texts seem forced. I don’t know why, especially after the phone sex we had the other day. I showed Ben parts of me that no one has ever seen, and I saw parts of him that I’ve never seen. For me, it built up my bond with him even more. It gave me a sense of closeness, a feeling inside me where I want to be only his. It’s special. I hope he feels the same way. Did I rush into this? Did I fall for a game? Was I a pawn? I self-sabotage and spiral. Yet I cling tightly to my phone and watch it like a lifeline as I wait for his name to appear on the screen. I am holding onto an unseen force, and I have no idea what will hold me in return.
My mom nudges me and wakes me up a few times at church, and when it ends, I drag my butt home and fall face-first into bed. When I wake up three hours later, I immediately start to feel guilty for all the things I seem to be lacking in. Has anyone told me I’m lacking? No, but I feel it in my core. If I am not everywhere at once, then I am nowhere at all.
I have plans to meet up with Mike for dinner. I want to remain friends regardless of what happened before Ben. I’ve decided to forgive him and move on from the nasty things he said to me. Holding grudges only holds you captive.
Halfway there, I realize I forgot my phone, meaning I will most likely miss a few texts from Ben before our nightly call. This doesn’t work in my favor, as I have been questioning exactly who I am to him for most of this second week apart. He has a show tonight in Atlanta, so I will get back just as he finishes.
“How are things with your new ‘rock star’ boyfriend?” Mike asks as we’re packing up to leave. It’s nearing nine o’clock, which is three hours behind Ben in his current city. I missed him before the show, and I add that to the list of things I am failing miserably at. I need to rush home if I’m going to be there to answer his call before he either goes to bed or spends the rest of the night with the guys.
“Things are great—a little rough since he’s on tour, but I like him a lot.”
Mike looks at me for a moment, giving me a questionable nod.
“What?”
“Nothing.” He waves me off. “It’s nothing. Be careful with that life, Sadie. Guys like him only want one thing and can’t be trusted.”
Part of me wants to be upset with Mike, but we already did this, and the rhetoric is tired. Everyone thinks they know what I want—or what I should want—but no one cares to ask me. What do I want? When will it be okay for me to explore these parts of me that I didn’t know I had? The curious side? The sensual side? The girl who wants more than what she had? Yet how do I do that without losing the parts of me that I love? The kind one, the one who would take a dagger for others—she is still there.
“Thank you, Mike. I appreciate it. But I trust myself. I don’t want to fight or go backward. I told you how I felt last time,” I warn him.
“Hey.” He reaches out and places his hand on my shoulder reassuringly. I peer up with a soft smile. “I am always here to talk. I respect you and your choice to do what you need to do. But we’re friends; let’s not lose that. And I will get better at sealing my lips.”
I return the innocent touch, placing my hand on his wrist and giving it a reassuring squeeze.
“I agree. Thank you for meeting up with me and talking tonight.” Tonight the main topics of conversation were school, church, and our families. Innocent and a lot less heavy than my other conversations lately.
“Anytime. Now get home safe and text me when you get there.”
“Will do. Night!” With a bounce in my step, I hurry to my car to get to Ben, the person who’s overtaken all my thoughts all night. Is he ever going to leave there? I quietly rush through the front door and up the stairs to my bedroom, doing my best to not wake up my parents. I drop all my things at the foot of my bed and look around for where I last put my phone.
I don’t see it at first, but then I hear it between my pillows. I quite literally jump onto the bed, dig it out, and answer it.
Just in time.
In a heap of messy hair and heavy breathing, I answer the phone.
“Hello!”
“Well, hello, you okay?” Ben asks, and his face steals my already frantic breathing from my chest. He is so stunning. The kind of handsome that magazines showcase, the kind starring in movies and written in the pages of books.
“Sorry. I just got back from dinner with Mike, and I forgot my phone, and I was scared I would miss your—” I’m rambling, but he stops me before I can finish.
“Wait. You were out with Mike? You missed our call because you were too busy with your boring ex? Does my time not mean anything to you?”
“Ben, that’s not true. I care about your time, and you don’t need to take digs at Mike. What’s wrong?” His questions are throwing me off, as is the deep scowl on his face. I want to immediately get defensive, but clearly there is something else going on here. I notice the neon lights of the bar behind him and hear men and women walking by.
“You would rather spend your time with someone else and not me.”
“That’s not true, Ben. You are blowing this up for no reason. I am sorry, but we have time to talk now.” I push for him to calm down a bit so we can start over. I would like to talk to him about why he is acting this way, but right now I need to get him back to square one.
“Forget it, Sadie. Go hang out with whoever else.” His words sting. This is a side of him I haven’t seen before; my stomach drops, and my heartbeat slows down.
“Ben! No! It’s not like that, please, I don’t want to end our call.” The tears build in my eyes, a reaction I wasn’t expecting. The last thing I want to do is hurt Ben, but the look on his face and his response tells me I in fact hurt him deeply.
“I don’t want to talk.”
“Ben—”
He ends the call, and I’m left stunned.
What just happened? Why is he acting this way? Why do I feel guilty when I didn’t do anything? Clearly, I respect our time together.
I rack my brain for a few more seconds before I try to call him back. He had no right to react so harshly with me. After I wrap my head around that, the guilt wears off and my good sense kicks in. That was uncalled for.
Ben doesn’t answer; instead, he denies my calls repeatedly. I stand up and pace my room, deciding to send him a text. One that I write, erase, and rewrite a hundred times.
You’re such a jerk, you didn’t have a right to say that.
No.
Ben, call me. That wasn’t cool. You’re overreacting.
Ugh.
Ben, listen. That was uncalled for, but I still want to make this right. I don’t want to fight with you. Call me back.
Finally, something that seems reasonable. I hit Send and watch it go through. After it says it’s delivered and read, I wait for a response. But after a minute or two, nothing comes—nothing at all. I release a defeated breath, and my heart aches even more. I’ve never fought with someone like this, let alone a man that I am falling for. I pace more and feel that familiar rise of anxiety. I do the only thing that comes to mind and that’s call Kate. She’ll make this right. She has to help me see this clearly, because I sure as heck don’t know what to do. Falling for him? Not knowing where I stand? Fighting with him? This is all new to me, and I don’t know how to navigate it. That terrifies me. This all absolutely terrifies me.
* * *
“Sounds like he doesn’t trust you.” Kate came over shortly after I called in a panic, dressed in her PJs and ready to stay.
“He has no reason to not trust me,” I point out. “For it to escalate that quickly, that isn’t normal, right?” Taking a sip of my water, I squeeze the pillow closer to me, the one Ben laid his head on when he slept here our last night together.
“No, I don’t think that’s normal. You accidentally forgot your phone and missed his calls; he took that as purposeful. Have you talked about him having trust issues?” she questions.
“No, in fact, I told him I need to be able to trust him. This all feels really rash, and I don’t know what to do,” I admit.
“I’m sorry. I wish I had a cure-all. But you need to talk to him.”
“I tried. He won’t answer.”
“Want to text Nick? I got his number.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, here.” She rattles off the number. Standing there in Ben’s shirt and my sleep shorts, I text him. I feel Kate’s eyes on me as I bite my nails, waiting for an answer.
Me : Hey, Nick, it’s Sadie. I’m sorry it’s late. Kate gave me your number because Ben and I had a fight and I wanted to make sure he’s okay. He won’t answer me.
Is there such thing as rambling in text messages? If so, I am sure as heck doing that.
Nick : Hey, sweetie, Ben’s here with me. He passed out. He was upset at the bar and drank a little too much.
Me : Oh, okay. I’m sorry. This is all my fault. I feel terrible that he’s upset. Can you tell him I’m sorry and I want to talk about this? To call me when he gets up?
Nick : Yes, I can do that. And don’t worry, this isn’t your fault. Okay?
I’m stunned that he’s not telling me to take a leap. He must think I did something awful to cause Ben to go out and drink himself into oblivion.
Me : You’re kind. Thanks, Nick, have a good night.
Nick : Sadie, he has a lot of things about him that make him hard to understand. But be patient with him. I see how close he is to you, and he’s right on the brink of telling you everything. Please give him that time. You may be his last hope.
The last text doesn’t need a response. What would I even say? I am falling in love with someone I know only from small glimpses of his complexity and beauty. The lines are blurred, and I feel a building pressure. In this moment, I wish I could run to Atlanta and be with him, talk about everything. But school and life are in the way, and honestly, I’m not that girl. Nevertheless, I can’t walk away from this twisted, codependent need we have for each other. I’m his last hope? What exactly am I supposed to be saving?
Who is Ben Cooper, and how deep into this did I get?
“What did he say?” Kate interrupts my thoughts.
“He’s wasted. He went out and got drunk over this stupid fight,” I groan.
“Is that why you look like you’ve seen a ghost?”
“No.” I roll my eyes and sit back down. “Nick said something to me, and now I want to puke.”
“Like what?”
“Here.” I shake my head and hand her the phone. I don’t want to explain it. I’m not really sure what to do with this information—that was a lot of vague stuff to dump on me.
“Damn, what the hell is he hiding? Oh my god, maybe he owns a sex compound, and he plans to turn you into a nymphomaniac,” she teases, and I laugh a little.
“Ha ha, so funny. No, Kate, I’m serious. I don’t know what to do.”
“Sleep on it and say a little prayer.” She winks, and I push her shoulder.
“Whatever, you’re no help.”
Closing my eyes, I say a silent prayer in the hopes that we’ll work this all out tomorrow.
* * *
Waking up with a stress headache the size of a boulder, I roll over and see Kate is still asleep. It can’t be later than seven o’clock. My internal clock wakes me up at all kinds of odd hours. I have hospital clinicals to thank for that. Rolling out of bed, I slip out of the room silently, not wanting to wake her—she’s a beast if you wake her up too early.
Heading downstairs into the kitchen, I see Mama and Papa already having their morning coffee and the muffins that my mother made.
“Morning, sweet girl. How you feeling today?” my dad asks, and like always, I hide nothing from my parents.
“Not good. Ben and I had our first fight.”
“Fight? What on earth about, sweetie?” Mama chimes in with concern.
“Maybe it wasn’t really a fight, more of a misunderstanding. I don’t know, it was stupid.” I take my coffee cup and slump down at the table. I’m sure I look like a million bucks.
“Couples have disagreements, baby. But you have to make a choice: Was it something big enough to break up over or something you can talk out and resolve?” That sounds so much easier said than done. I could work through this with him if he would call me, but that’s not the point. The issue is more why he was so upset.
“I’ve never been in this position before. Did you and Mama ever fight?” I look between the two of them and watch them share a glance then laugh.
“Did we? Oh, honey, we still have fights. Sure, they have become less heated and more mature, but we’ve had years of practice.” Papa grabs my hand and rubs the back of it with his thumb. “Besides, you and Ben are young. You have a lot of differences. You’ll learn how to compromise with one another. Promise. But don’t give up all of who you are to fit what he wants. It’s give and take.” I’m only nineteen—I’m still figuring out who I am, so how will I know what’s a worthy sacrifice? For the first time, I can fully admit that what I’m feeling is love.
“True. But I hate that he’s on the road, and I can’t see him to work our problems out.” Then something hits me. I was wrong. Maybe I can be that girl. My life right now is all about trying new things, especially in my relationship with Ben.
“I bet. Speaking of Ben, once you two work this out, we want to meet the young man.” I nod, my brain is already planning my next move.
“He gets back Friday. We can have dinner or something?” I say quickly, taking out my phone and searching for the earliest flight. I am going to see him. Why not? He has two shows scheduled in Atlanta, one last night and one tonight. We agreed in the lake to give and take, and I don’t want to sit idly by.
“Sounds perfect! You bring the dessert.” Mama winks, and that’s that.
“Will do. Hey, I’m going to stay at Kate’s for my next couple days off. We’re going to have some girl time.”
I have never lied to my parents, but they would most likely tell me to sit back and wait it out. Not this time. I’m going to him; I need to see him.
“Sure thing, baby, you have fun.”
I hurry up the stairs and shut the door, and Kate stretches off her sleep. “Any more disasters?” she teases. I’m sure I look deranged.
“No, but I need you to cover for me. I am going to see him, Kate. And I have less than an hour to pack my bags and get to the airport. You down?”
“Holy fuck, okay, Sadie! Damn.” She’s proud of me but still shocked. As am I.
“What do I pack for Atlanta in the spring?”