Thirty-four
Ben
Slowly weaning off drugs and alcohol over the past two months has damn near killed me. My skin is crawling, my eyes are constantly dilated, and I’m always looking for something to keep me engaged. My hands haven’t stopped shaking, and my performances seem to be lacking a piece of me.
Sadie hasn’t once tried to control my sobriety. She listens, she tends to me, she holds me, and she lets me use her, but it’s not enough. It’s never fucking enough. I’ve had to distance myself from the band offstage, spending my nights and days locked up in the back room. The only way it’s fucking manageable is because Sadie’s here, glued to my side as my own personal therapist. Yes, I changed my meds and have been meeting with Dr. Danivah three times a week, but how am I supposed to get better when I am balancing the band and my sobriety?
Sadie nurses me after my nightmares—the flashbacks that the drugs used to help silence. She sees me go from zero to sixty when someone steps into my space.
When it gets really bad and I think I might shatter into nothing, she makes love to me, feeding the one addiction that I’m damn lucky to have. I’ll admit, my funny antics and romantic charm have taken a backseat lately, but she wrote me a love letter and gave it to me before my last show. That letter showed what we need. A night of me attempting to sweep her off her feet. Since she’s out running errands with Nick, I reread the letter for the fourth time.
Ben,
I know this hasn’t been easy. I actually think this is the hardest thing we’ve faced, both personally and together. But I wanted to tell you how proud I am of you. I know you sometimes don’t see me there on the side of the stage watching you, but I am. You shine up there with your astounding talent. You have so much talent in the tips of your fingers . . . it’s beautiful. I’m blessed to be by your side on this journey, and I can’t wait to see what’s next for your music career.
But mostly, I’m proud of your dedication and hard work getting sober, not only for yourself but for us. The therapy, the meetings, the late nights and aches and pains that you have had to endure to stay clean, I appreciate it all. You are the strongest man I know, and I cherish that beyond compare. I wrote you this letter so you could hopefully find comfort in it or encouragement whenever you are feeling confused, afraid, or like giving up.
Read this and know that you have a home with me, Ben, and I love you. I’ll never hurt you, and I will never let anyone else hurt you again. I will be a shield to protect you if it means that you will slowly mend and heal again. Your mother is proud, and I am proud . . . so you should be too.
I love you.
SJC
Still faithful to me during the battle of heaven and hell, it seems. But every word in that letter reminds me of the greatness I still have in my life, and that is Sadie. I still have her, and it makes every day worth fighting for.
I take a shower and wake myself up, getting ready for a day off with Sadie. No show tonight means I get to spend the entire night thanking her for the gift of her love and her overwhelming patience for me during my journey.