Thirty-six
Ben
How the fuck could she get pregnant? Why did this happen to me? Punishment? It must be punishment for what happened to my mother. Sadie and I talked about a family one day, but I made it clear I wasn’t sure, especially with my life right now. The band, our success, our age, and my current state of trauma—I have to heal, and a child doesn’t deserve that. Sadie and I both have to work on us before we even attempt starting a family. We were there, straddling a line of making progress, and now we’ve moved ten steps back.
I left her behind with a broken heart and lonely eyes, but I needed to get away. Things were going to get way worse. I don’t think I have it in me to do anything but go completely black. Taking the stairs down, I call Nick and tell him to meet me at the hotel. I pace outside, waiting for him to get here. When Nick pulls up in a cab, he’s on me immediately.
“Ben, what’s going on? Where’s Sadie?” I shake my head, and I give him my hotel key.
“I fucked up, and I need to get the fuck away. Don’t leave her alone, and don’t let her leave. Room four.” Giving him the key, I ignore him as he yells after me. Climbing into the car, I tell the driver to take me to a local bar.
What the fuck have I done?
* * *
The bar is crawling with locals, a lot of them women and businessmen. I don’t see anyone here that I would usually pick as an opponent. That’s until the group of men in the corner catch my attention. I watch the girl next to the biggest asshole cower as he yells at her. The other men with him laugh at the way he belittles her.
Here we go.
Standing, I push my way through the crowd and approach the table.
“You’re an idiot. You had one too many drinks tonight. So much for your diet,” the man yells.
“The fuck is your problem?” I grab his collar and pull him from the booth. The table is right by the exit to the back alley, and I drag him in that direction. His buddies are right behind us. They know the drill: don’t fight in the bar, wait until we’re in the alley.
“Who the fuck are you! Get your fucking hands off me, dick!” the man yells as I throw him on the ground. Only thing is, I don’t want to hit him. I want him to hit me—to bruise me and punish me for the bullshit I just put my wife through.
I want him to hit me for my child. Fuck—I have a child. How could I have been so careless as to create a son or daughter and make them live their life watching their father rage and regret?
His buddies are on me before I even speak, knocking me down from behind and kicking me all over. My sides, my legs, my arms, even a boot to my fucking face. I laugh through it, the sound sinister while I take the beating I deserve.
“Is that all you fuckers got?” I yell and take more, their faces blurring as blood from my cut brow seeps into my eye.
“Hey, break it up!” We hear yelling, and like roaches in the night, they all scurry off in different directions, leaving me bruised and battered, like I hoped for.
That one’s for you, Sadie baby.
Through my blurred vision, I see one of the bar’s bouncers come to stand over me. He helps me up, and I stumble back a bit.
“Hey, man, let me get you an ambulance.” I wave him off and step back, gripping my side where my ribs are bruised and possibly broken.
“Don’t. I’m fucking fine.” I push past him and limp away.
“Let me at least call the cops,” he yells after me.
“Don’t call anyone. I said I’m fucking fine,” I snarl over my shoulder, and he yells profanities after me, calling me a dick. I nod my head, laughing, because I agree. I’m so much fucking more.
It takes me a minute to order a car, but I do. By the time I get back to the bus, Nick is still gone, and the guys are all passed out. I decided to give Sadie space, knowing she’s safe with Nick. Even after having my ass kicked, I have enough energy to mentally stew over all the ways that I deserve to be tossed to the curb by Sadie. I feel like scum. The smallest man who ever lived.
I take my anxiety pill and pass out, not sure who I am, where Sadie and I stand, or where the fuck to go from here. One thing I do know is I will not look pretty tomorrow. Physically, I’m going to feel this night for days—but mentally, I will never forget or forgive myself. Never.
* * *
“Get the fuck up.” My eyes open, and the morning light blinds me. Nick kicks the side of the bed, and I sit up, forgetting for a brief second that my body got fucked up in a bar fight. I wince, my eyes adjusting to the light. “Take these, get your ass dressed, and meet me at sound check. We need to talk.”
He’s pissed, and I 100 percent back him up on that. I hate myself too.
“Where’s Sadie?” I begin to worry, knowing that she left last time.
“She’s at the hotel. And for whatever reason, she won’t leave. Even though she fucking should.”
“What do you mean she won’t leave?” I stand and start changing. I hiss when I look at the bruises all over my stomach and legs. I don’t even want to know what my face looks like.
“I tried to tell her to leave you and go home. To get the fuck away, but no, she said she won’t leave.” Is this a dream? There is no way in hell she should still be here. I lace up my shoes.
“You hate me—you should.”
“I don’t fucking hate you, but damn it, I don’t fucking get you. I don’t. She deserves way fucking more, and I hope she sees that.” With that, he leaves. I agree with him. Sadie not only deserves better, she deserves to have her memory stolen from her so she forgets me and the damage I’ve caused.
Picking up my phone, I text her.
Me : I don’t know what to say. I fucked up.
Stepping into the small bathroom, I see the crusted blood around my bruised eye. My lip is busted, and I look like the hell I put Sadie through. Holy fuck. I splash my face and growl through the pain.
I towel off then check my phone, seeing a text.
My muse : We only have two weeks left, and then we’re home. The baby and I will leave then. You don’t have to say sorry for something you clearly didn’t want.
Me : You don’t have to stay, I wouldn’t blame you if you left.
I don’t know why I’m saying this. The last thing I want is for her to leave, but what I did is unforgivable. The things I said can’t be taken back. I love Sadie more than I care about my heart and my needs. I will set her free if that means she’ll be happy.
My muse : I promised I would stay to keep you on track and get sober. I may not want to be around you right now, but I care about your health and safety. But the minute this tour ends, you are on your own back in Portland. Have a good show.
I can’t believe that we’re here, that I went as far as I did last night. My words are moot at this point. I’ve fucked up and suckered her back in with failed promises too many times. The words are past jaded. They are nonexistent. They are void and have lost all power.
But what do I do? Do I want to stay? Do I really think I could be a good father with the history behind me?
I want Sadie, but wanting and being good enough are two different things, and in our entire time together I’ve been nothing but a letdown who is undeserving of her. Even if I choose to stay and really commit to being a better man, I can’t promise it. Shit, I can’t even breathe a word of it to her . . . I have to show her. Why couldn’t I think this through last night? Why didn’t I take a breather and tell her I needed a minute to process things? It’s always the aftermath that leaves me broken and wishing I tried harder.
* * *
“Whoever fucked you up last night could have done a better job,” Nick says as I step into the back entrance of the venue.
“They would have if security from the bar didn’t show up.” We walk back to the changing room, and one of the roadies hands me my earpiece. I remove my hoodie and set it up. Each movement is brutally painful. Tonight’s show is going to kick my ass.
“I can’t believe I’m asking you this, but how do you feel about everything?”
“Shit. Fucking shit, Nick. But what’s new?”
“Why are you so damn afraid of a family with Sadie?”
“How can I not be? Look at my past—at my dad.”
“Oh, that shit is tired. Stop using him as a crutch.”
Eric comes in and sees my face, interrupting our conversation. “Damn, you look fucking busted. Rough night?”
“You could say that.” He pats my back then pours himself a shot. It’s only eleven fucking a.m.
“It’s not a crutch, it’s who I am, and if I care about Sadie and our child, I should stay away.”
“Child?” JJ and Jason walk in at that moment, and all eyes land on me.
“Sadie is pregnant,” I tell them, grabbing my hat and putting it on. I let them all congratulate me, taking all the praise that I don’t deserve.
“Too bad he fucked it up,” Nick says, and their cheers cease. They stand back and look between Nick and me, confused.
“What do you mean?” JJ asks, pulling up a chair.
“Yeah,” Eric and Jason add.
“I told her I didn’t want our child. I pushed her away then left her.”
“Oh fuck, man, seriously? Shit. That’s rough. I don’t know what to say.”
I nod, agreeing with Jason.
“So, did she go home then?” Eric questions.
“No.” I shake my head in shame. “She didn’t. She said she wants to stay to make sure I stay clean. She said when we get home, though, we’re over.” My emotions begin overtaking me. I don’t want to lose Sadie. The pulsing in my head intensifies, and my blood seems to thicken in my veins.
“You’re going to let your girl and your child go like that?” JJ asks, standing next to Nick.
“What other choice do I have? I can’t take back what I said, and I still don’t know if I can be a father.”
“Well, you are, whether you want to be or not. You’re a dad now. It’s your choice if you want to try to be the best father you can or if you want to repeat history and join the long fucking line of Cooper deadbeats,” Nick hisses, his face turning red and his eyes stone cold. If I didn’t agree with him, his words would hurt me—tell me something I don’t know. “Make a fucking choice, Ben, but make sure you do it quick because you have no idea what the hell you’ve done to her. Don’t drag it out or make it worse.” Nick nudges my shoulder aggressively as he walks out. I keep my head low and look around the room, feeling guiltier than before.
The guys don’t say anything after that, and we make it through sound check in silence. I take the rest of the time before the show to pace the venue and talk myself out of going to Sadie a hundred times.
I pull myself together enough to get through the show. When the meet and greet ends, I take a cab and drive around town for hours, mulling over every part of my pathetic life.
Where do I go from here? What do I do next?